Playing Hard To Get Jokes

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.

One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing n**... in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered: "I think... no... yes... I’m not sure... what about 4?"
"Did you say 4?" the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Gay bar

A biker walks into a gay bar and is giving everyone a hard time. Seeing his customers get irritated the bartender walks up to the biker and asks him if he knows how to play football. The biker responds with of course I know football. The bartender says not the sport! Bar football. The bartender then pours a pint and c**... it. Slams it on the table and says that's a touchdown, then turns around and pulls down his pants and farts, that's the extra point! The biker takes the challenge and c**... the beer. He then pulls down his pants and before he can f**... the bartender is behind him and thrusts forward and says "blocked the kick! "

Guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a drink. He's carrying a brown paper bag, which he sets down on the bar.
The bartender asks "What's in the bag?" The guy says "Wanna see?" He reaches into the bag and pulls out a very tiny grand piano and sets it on the bar. Then he reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny man dressed in a tuxedo. The little man sits down at the little piano and begins playing a song.
The bartender says "That's amazing! Where'd you get that?"
The guy explains he found a djinni's lamp, rubbed it, and was offered one wish from the djinni within.
"Have you still got that lamp? Can I give it a try?"
"Sure," says the man, reaching back into the bag and pulling out the djinni's lamp.
The bartender takes the lamp and rubs it. The djinni emerges and tells the bartender he can have one wish.
"Um... I wanna be rich!" exclaims the bartender. "I want a million bucks!" p**...! Suddenly the bar is filled with ducks. A million ducks.
"Hey!" complains the bartender. "I wished for a million *bucks* not ducks! Is your djinni hard of hearing or something?!"
To which the man says "You don't really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"

A man walks into a bar...(note: better told than read)

A man (Bill) walks into a bar, and takes a ten-inch pianist out of his pocket, and puts it on the bar. The Pianist then starts to play Mozart's 7th perfectly. Another man (Jim) walks up to Bill and says, "Wow, that's amazing! where'd you get him?" Bill says, "There's this genie down the street that will grant you one wish, but just a warning, he's a little hard of hearing". Jim then goes to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." suddenly a million ducks fall from the sky. Jim says to the genie, "I wished for a million BUCKS, not ducks!" The genie just shrugs, and walks back into his house. Jim then goes back to the bar, and says to Bill, "I wished for a million bucks, but all I got was a million ducks!" Bill says, "Well ya. Do you really think I wished for a ten-inch pianist."

So an engaged couple die in a car c**......

A very tragic occasion merely a week before their wedding, they were sorely missed by their family. Shortly after their deaths, they meed St. Peter, guarding the pearly entrance to heaven. They were both good people, led fulfilling lives, and so he has no problem letting them in to heaven, and even states that they are free to live together in heaven, encouraging them to get married. After a few days of life there, free of their earthly problems, they decide they want to take up the offer and seal the bond. They have several days of happiness, have great s**..., and love each-others company. However after a few days, they get kinda bored, and decide to ask St. Peter for a new TV. Peter grants them their wish, telling them:
"This is Heaven, you can have whatever you want!"
So they watch their new TV happily together for several days, until they find that they, once again are bored. They decide on sports, and return to St. Peter. They tell him they want to get basketball lessons. He agrees, and after searching for several days, finds a basketball player to teach them to play. They have tons of fun playing basketball together for a while, until they get bored and realize that they just arent for each other. They return to St. Peter with the request to get divorced. He says
"Gee, thats kinda tough. It was hard enough finding a basketball player, I doubt theres 1 lawyer up here!"

Rabbi and Priest

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

12 inches

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
The friend answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

Two guys are playing tennis.

After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy. At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a u**... sample, and the machine will tell you what's wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down. He puts in the $5 and a u**... sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper. On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away. This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine. So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it. He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample. A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to h**..., get her into rehab, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don't quit m**... your tennis elbow is never going to go away.

Great joke to make fun of any profession that is hard to get a job in

I'll be using a musician, since I'm a frustrated musician.
There once was a musician looking for a job, he was starting to get desperate since it had been so long since he made any money. One day he gets excited finding out that there's an opening for a musician in the Circus so he goes to the interview.
Arriving at the Circus, the Circus owner explains to him that unfortunately the musician job opportunity had already been taken, but if he really needed a job he had one for him...the musician is disappointed but so desperate he says he will be up to anything.
The circus owner shows him what he has to do, he has to dress up as a deer and cross the high rope over a cage full of hungry lions... hesitant, but desperate the musician accepts.
On his first night in the job, the musician gets ready for his performance, dresses up as a deer and starts crossing the high rope, when he is halfway through he falls, right into the middle of the lions and all the lions immediately surround him.
The lions start running towards him, getting closer and closer until the closest one is right in front of his face...
The lion takes off his mask and says "don't worry! just play along! we're all musicians!"

It's getting hard.....

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing n**... in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran. "

Christ and Moses...

...are playing a round of golf. Jesus is on the green, but he puts away his putter and takes out a driver. Moses says "Put that away. You'll never get it in." "Nonsense," replies Jesus. "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." Jesus hits the ball too hard, and it falls into the water. Moses rolls his eyes, parts the waters, and brings the ball back. Not one to be deterred, Jesus takes out the driver again, saying "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." The ball once again goes into the water, Moses parts it, retrieves the ball, and gives it back. When once again Jesus fails to get the ball in, Moses refuses to help. So, Jesus steps out onto the water and proceeds to search for the ball. A man walking by looks incredulously at Jesus, turns to Moses and says "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" "No," replies Moses. "Sam Snead."

A man walks into a bar and puts a shoebox down on the table...

He says, "I'll have a beer and a shot of Jack Daniels for my friend in the box."
The bartender looks down and sees a small man playing the piano. He brings the drinks and then asks, "Where'd you get this little guy?"
The man at the bar replies, "I was walking on the beach when I found a bottle lying in the sand. I was dusting it off when a genie came out and this was my first wish."
The bartender is thinking that maybe he can trade something for this guys wish. Now, this guy is feeling pretty generous so he agrees to giving up his second wish in exchange for free food and drinks. The bartender grabs the bottle, rubs it, and exclaims, "I wish for a million bucks!"
Then, the door slams open and a million white ducks come marching into the bar.
The man at the bar says, "I think the genie is hard of hearing."
"What makes you say that?" asks the bartender.
"You think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

A woman was riding the bus with her kid

*[Translated from a foreign language. Hope it works.]*
A woman was riding a bus along with her young, hyper-active son, trying hard to get him to eat some breakfast.
"Eat your eggs Johnny, or I'm going to give it to the man in the back". The kid, not interested, continued playing around.
A few minutes later, the woman tried again, "eat your bacon Johnny, or I'm going to give it to the man in the back". The kid was now fascinated by something outside the window and continued ignoring his mother.
A while later, the woman, now very frustrated, cried out, "Johnny, eat your pancakes or I'm going to give it to the man in the back."
Suddenly an exasperated voice called out from the back of the bus, "ma'am, please make your decision, I've missed four stops already".

Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5

Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The o**... was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another o**.... As Billy began to play, the o**... also creaked and then ceased to make a sound. The judge arranged for yet another o**... for Billy, but that one broke down as well. The judge suddenly collapsed to the ground.
At the hospital, the doctors pronounced the judge dead and performed an autopsy.
"The cause of death appears to be multiple o**... failure."

Woman bathing n**...

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys was lingering over by a bush. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long, so he walked over to the bush, and to his astonishment saw a woman bathing n**... in the stream. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why his friend ran away so abruptly, so he took off after him. When he finally caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

A Man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar one night, and he sees a tiny man sitting on the bar playing a piano, so he asks the guy sitting beside him "Wow that's so cool! Where did you get that?"
"There's a genie out back! He's giving out wishes!" So the man walks outside to find the genie.
He walks up to the genie, and the genie says "Hello there! Have you come for a wish?" And the man replied "Yes! I Want a million bucks to fall from the sky!" And just like that, A million DUCKS fall from the sky.
So the man walks back inside and says to the other guy "Hey man that genie is cool and all, but I think he might be hard of hearing."
And the man replied "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Two boys were playing by the stream.......

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing n**... in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

The two boys and the n**... woman.

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing n**... in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

I'm turning into a stone...

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing n**... in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."