Playing Cards Jokes

Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: He was sitting on the deck.

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: He was sitting on the deck.

Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: The captain was sitting on the deck.

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".

Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.
Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.

Cheating Partner

A woman was in bed having s**... with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."

My girlfriend's black.

She's always in a rush, saying, "Come on! Let's go! We gotta move! We're gunna be late! Drive faster! Switch lanes! We gotta beat the crowd!" I look at her every time and say, "Leave it to you to play the race card."

The three most important things to have in a survival situation.

Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.

A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards.

A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce.

Why shouldn't you play cards in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs!

s**... is like playing cards..

if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand.

A man gets married and decides to set some ground rules..

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride thought for a minute and replied, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Why should you never play cards in the jungle?

Because of all the cheetahs

A group of hackers is sitting around one day playing cards. One asks another, "do you have any 7's?" and they reply:

"Go Phish."

Smart dog

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

I was playing a game of solitaire, but I only had a pack of Tarot cards

I actually won, but 4 people died

My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards.

My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards.
*He takes s**... poker very seriously.*

A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.

Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.

Warning: Never play poker with Tarot cards...

I got a full house once and 4 people died

I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...

Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave

Which playing cards are the best dancers?

The king and queen of clubs

Why can't pirates play any card games?

Because someone's always on the deck!

UK and USA are in a contest to destroy themselves.

The UK edged ahead with Brexit, but the US just played their trump card.

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?

The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.

DJ Khaled was playing cards with his family.

And a mother won.

Stalin's political career didn't really take off, until he played the trump card

-Seize the means of reproduction!

What's the difference between a playing card and Africa?

One is the ace of s**..., the other is the space of aids.

Why don't you play cards in Africa?

Too many cheetahs!

I bought a deck of glass playing cards...

It's pretty easy to shuffle but the deck cuts you.

Why do Mexicans s**... at playing Uno?

They always keep all the green cards

Why don't cats play cards?

Too many cheetas.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**... and asks, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father m**.... He asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm playing cards."
"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of s**... misconduct.

I was playing cards with my friend and lost.

I got so mad, I decked him in the face.

A relationship is like playing cards

First you have hearts and diamonds then at the end is clubs and s**...

I played cards by myself in prison...

It was solitaire confinement.

Never play cards with big cats...

... They're all cheaters and Lions!

I refuse to play Uno with people from the USA.

They take all of the green cards.

So a green piece of road walks into the bar...

So a green piece of road walks into the bar... It goes up to the bar and orders a drink, then takes it to a table where two traffic lights are playing a game of cards. The traffic lights take one look at the road and run out! Later the bartender finds them cowering behind the bins outside:
"What on Earth is wrong with you two?" He asks.
"That green piece of road that walked in! He told us he was a cycle path!"

Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays?

My credit card.

If black people play the race card, and if women play the gender card, what card does America play?

The Trump card.

Me: Officer, you can't give me a ticket. I'm planning to run a half marathon tomorrow.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

A Japanese Boy Is Playing His NES With His Family

The Grandfather says " I used to play Nintendo cards in the 1930's"
The Father said " I used to play with Nintendo toys in the 1960's"
The Uncle said " I used to have s**... in Nintendo love hotels in the 1970's"

Why couldn't the sailors play cards

Because they were standing on the deck

The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.

Elizabeth the Second lays a full house and sips daintily upon a cup of tea. A Russian agent puts a finger to his ear momentarily and approaches the table with a sleek briefcase, which Putin opens to reveal a marvelous hand. Donald then smiles and shows five trump cards.

Why can't Mexicans play uno

because they steal all the green cards

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.
Oh, I don't know, she said. Just give me something with diamonds.
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

I played cards with a guy in one of those T-Rex suits...

He was a small arms dealer.

Little Johnny and Cards

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**... and asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father m**....
He asks, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm playing cards."
"Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

A bee got in our house and I my wife freaked...

She yelled, "get it out but don't harm it". So I got a shot glass and a playing card and carefully trapped and released the little guy out back. When I returned my wife said, "well, what happened? And I replied...
Don't worry. Bee Happy.

A Child walks in on his parents...

He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son m**...
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand

Ive been playing uno with my kids for 50 years now.

I finally dropped my reverse card and now they have to change my diapers.

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.
"I have to go out, honey," he said to his wife.
"Oh no, not again," she said. "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes," replied her husband. "There are three doctors there already."

Five asexual people are playing cards

One of them starts to explain the rules and then he pauses and says
I would say no cheating but there's already five aces at the table

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.
Everyone antes up but the cat.
The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"
Cat:

All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this.

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

A guy goes to a New Year's Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.

A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes go by, he realizes he is not in the food line at all. He asks his friend about if this is the right line. Oh, no, the friend said...
This is the punchline.

Old Age Fun

Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and s**... n**.... Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to Jim why did you see that? Jim says yes... well what did they have on?.... I don't know, but it sure needed ironed

What did the Joker say while playing poker?

"Wanna know how I got these cards?"