Playing Cards Jokes
116 playing cards jokes and hilarious playing cards puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about playing cards that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Playing Cards Short Jokes
Short playing cards jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The playing cards humour may include short card game jokes also.
- I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow. The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
- My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
- For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
- The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6) Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck. - Why did the snowman refuse to play cards on the winter solstice? It didn't want to "melt" under pressure.
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards.... That's right, the steaks were pretty high.
- Why was the accordion player always so good at poker? He knew how to play his cards right and pull out the perfect hand.
- Five asexual people are playing cards One of them starts to explain the rules and then he pauses and says
I would say no cheating but there's already five aces at the table - Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs.
Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.
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Playing Cards One Liners
Which playing cards one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with playing cards? I can suggest the ones about deck of cards and card deck.
- Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because they were sitting on the deck.
- I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.
- Just played Uno with my Mexican co-workers... ...they stole all the green cards.
- I could only see 51 playing cards on the table I was surprised to find a Jack in the box
- Why did the duck get a red card? For fowl play.
- Why was Zlatan bad at playing cards? Because he always wanted to be the ace.
- DJ Khaled was playing cards with his family. And a mother won.
- I played cards with a guy in one of those T-Rex suits... He was a small arms dealer.
- Why don't cats play cards? Too many cheetas.
- I played cards by myself in prison... It was solitaire confinement.
- Which playing cards are the best dancers? The king and queen of clubs
- What did the Joker say while playing poker? "Wanna know how I got these cards?"
- Never play cards with big cats... ... They're all cheaters and Lions!
- I was playing cards with my friend and lost. I got so mad, I decked him in the face.
- Why soccer players don't play Uno? Because they don't like to get red cards.
Uproarious Playing Cards Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about playing cards you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean poker jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make playing cards pranks.
When Chuck Norris played the card game War with a friend, France surrendered.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why you should never play cards with feminists?
They always play the "victim card"
Considerate.
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cheating Partner
A woman was in bed having s**... with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."
Why don't the zebra and the lion like to play cards in the prairie?
'CAUSE THERE'S TOO MANY CHEETAHS!!!
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards.
A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happened to the Mexican soccer player when he played fair?
He got a green card.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets married and decides to set some ground rules..
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride thought for a minute and replied, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
The Forgetful Golfer
A man was playing a full round of golf and forgot his score card in the middle of his game. Since he did not know what hole he was on, he asked a female golfer who was teeing off what hole she was starting. "This is the 14th hole." The man then knew that he had finished the 13th and continued his game. After he had finished, he saw the same female golfer in the clubhouse and bought her a drink as a thank you. The two started a conversation and he asked her what she did as a job. She blushed, then replied. "You have to promise not to laugh, but I sell feminine hygiene products." The man is laughing hysterically and the woman is embarrassed. "Hey! I told you not to laugh!" she said angrily. He stopped laughing and said "No, no. I'm not laughing at your job. You see I sell toilet wipes and such so I'm the hole behind you!"
What did the playing card say to the other one?
Everyday I'm shuffling.
A group of hackers is sitting around one day playing cards. One asks another, "do you have any 7's?" and they reply:
"Go Phish."
Why are they called "playing cards"?
They aren't playing. They're actually cards.
A kid and his dad are playing cards...
The kids tells his father "Dad, I'm bored"
The father then pulls out a box and says "are you sure you're not card board?"
Why should you never play Uno with a foreigner?
Because they will always steal the green cards.
My wife said she wants another baby
and if I play my cards right, I can be the father.
What animal do you not want to play cards with?
A monkey. Monkeys don't play cards.
I was playing a game of solitaire, but I only had a pack of Tarot cards
I actually won, but 4 people died
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards.
My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards.
*He takes s**... poker very seriously.*
Dictator
Who's the dictator who loves playing card games?
Kim Jong Uno.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why...
Can't i**... US immigrants play Uno?
Because they keep stealing all the Green Cards
A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.
Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.
John Quincy Adams is playing a card game
......Andrew a Jack.
Wife's Birthday Gift
John: "It's my wife's birthday."
Peter: "What's your gift to her?"
John: "I asked her what she wanted."
Peter: "What did she say?"
John: "Anything, as long as there is a diamond."
Peter: "What did you give her?"
John: "Playing cards."
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
UK and USA are in a contest to destroy themselves.
The UK edged ahead with Brexit, but the US just played their trump card.
Why don't many cats play cards?
Too many cheetahs!
(A staffmember at Universal Orlando said this to our daughter last week. She was pretty tickled.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?
The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.
Stalin's political career didn't really take off, until he played the trump card
-Seize the means of reproduction!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a playing card and Africa?
One is the ace of s**..., the other is the space of aids.
Why do you never play cards with the fastest animal?
He's a Cheeta
Earth now has a two Trump rule.
You can't play a Trump card unless you can reasonably defend two questions without completely damaging your credibility.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
'American Police' playing cards.
I bought a deck of 'American Police' playing cards yesterday.
There's no hearts or diamonds in it. Just one s**... and fifty one clubs.
I bought a deck of glass playing cards...
It's pretty easy to shuffle but the deck cuts you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Mexicans s**... at playing Uno?
They always keep all the green cards
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Typical macho man...
...married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "Nope, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night...... whether you're here or not."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards
It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of s**... misconduct.
My friend asked me if I wanted to play with his deck of cards...
"But you don't even have a full deck!"
"Just deal with it"
I break out into a cold sweat at the mere thought of a card-based roll-playing game
The doctor says I have PTSD&D
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A relationship is like playing cards
First you have hearts and diamonds then at the end is clubs and s**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once Upon a Time in the West, a Bear Walked into a Saloon..
As he enters, the piano stops playing, the poker players put down their cards, and the room goes silent, except for the ticking of the Grandfather clock in the corner. The bear stands in the doorway a few seconds, surveying the saloon, before walking to the bar. Whiskey, he growls. The bartender slides a shot glass of rotgut down the bar, which the bear snags with his good arm and gulps down. Another, he says. He downs the second whiskey, belches, swivels slowly on his barstool to face the room, and announces, ** Ah'm lookin' fer the man that shot muh paw. **
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once Upon a Time in the West, a One-Armed Bear Walks Into a Bar
As he enters, the piano stops playing, the poker players put down their cards, and the room goes silent, except for the ticking of the Grandfather clock in the corner. The bear stands in the doorway a few seconds, surveying the saloon, before walking to the bar. Whiskey, he growls. The bartender slides a shot glass of rotgut down the bar, which the bear snags with his good arm and gulps down. Another, he says. He downs the second whiskey, belches, swivels slowly on his barstool to face the room, and announces, ** Ah'm lookin' fer the man that shot muh paw! **
Diamonds
Could you gift me couple of diamonds, for our anniversary, girlfriend asked.
I gifted her a pack of playing cards.
A black man kept winning all the poker games at his local casino in Montana... Everyone would always fold when...
...he played the race card!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why Indians don't play soccer well
In soccer you don't get green cards
So a green piece of road walks into the bar...
So a green piece of road walks into the bar... It goes up to the bar and orders a drink, then takes it to a table where two traffic lights are playing a game of cards. The traffic lights take one look at the road and run out! Later the bartender finds them cowering behind the bins outside:
"What on Earth is wrong with you two?" He asks.
"That green piece of road that walked in! He told us he was a cycle path!"
Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays?
My credit card.
In Mexico, UNO is actually only played with three colors.
Well, they come with four, but everyone just keeps the green cards for themselves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.
I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless b**....
Playing a trump card no longer means a winning hand...
... Its now a small orange hand that's failing miserably.
What happened when the Mexican played UNO?
He took all the green cards
How are teenagers like playing cards?
You can't hold a sweet hand until they're passed out
Why can't pirates play cards?
Because they're standing on the deck, YARRRRRRRRRR!
This bellboy at this hotel must be really keen for his tips...
...I asked him for a deck of playing cards and it took 52 trips to get them to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you're playing Uno with a Mexican always set the colour to green if you can.
Lord knows they won't get any green cards.
A man walks into a bar
He sees people playing cards and asks them, "hey are you guys playing cards?"
It's really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Japanese Boy Is Playing His NES With His Family
The Grandfather says " I used to play Nintendo cards in the 1930's"
The Father said " I used to play with Nintendo toys in the 1960's"
The Uncle said " I used to have s**... in Nintendo love hotels in the 1970's"
The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.
Elizabeth the Second lays a full house and sips daintily upon a cup of tea. A Russian agent puts a finger to his ear momentarily and approaches the table with a sleek briefcase, which Putin opens to reveal a marvelous hand. Donald then smiles and shows five trump cards.
Why didn't they ever play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck
A bee got in our house and I my wife freaked...
She yelled, "get it out but don't harm it". So I got a shot glass and a playing card and carefully trapped and released the little guy out back. When I returned my wife said, "well, what happened? And I replied...
Don't worry. Bee Happy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Child walks in on his parents...
He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son m**...
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand