Player Jokes
181 player jokes and hilarious player puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about player that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From player haters ball to bass players, guitar players, football players and more - these hilarious player jokes will have everyone in stitches! Learn some of the funniest jokes about viola players, banjo players, hockey players, trumpet players, touchdowns, coaches, gamers and more. Get ready to laugh!
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Funniest Player Short Jokes
Short player jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The player humour may include short athlete jokes also.
- My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
- How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb? All of them. Never split the party.
- In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo. All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
- LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
- Do you know the football player whose missing 75% of his spine? He's the Quarterback.
(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X) - My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her That's what I get for dating a tennis player.
- What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after three periods!^I^will^see^myself^out^now
- My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed. "No," I said, "I'm their coach."
- What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
- You should never get into a relationship with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
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Player One Liners
Which player one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with player? I can suggest the ones about client and actor.
- Why did the console player cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side.
- I'd never let my daughter date a soccer player There is a 1/11 chance he's a keeper
- Why did the triangle player quit the orchestra? It was just one ting after another
- What does the highest paid WNBA player make? Sandwiches.
- Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt
- My dad is a professional Russian roulette player. He only lost once.
- I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend Love meant nothing to her
- What do you call the best Runescape player in the world? The 'Scape GOAT
- My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player He only ever lost once
- What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player? Lo Ping
- What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
- What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality
- How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest? Sing the national anthem
- How do you get a bass player off of your porch? You pay for your pizza.
- What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs? Drool
Football Player Jokes
Here is a list of funny football player jokes and even better football player puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
- What did the football player say to the flight attendant? Put me in coach.
- Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time. Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.
- Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!
- A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says, "You've broken your finger"
- Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.
- Where do football players go for new uniforms? New Jersey
- how many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but they'll give 'em four credits for it.
- What's a football player's favorite ice cream? Any given sundae
- What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player? To have no goal in life.
Baseball Player Jokes
Here is a list of funny baseball player jokes and even better baseball player puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player. He was big in the minors.
- Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team? They were truly ruthless.
- What's the difference between a baseball player and an orphan? An orphan doesn't have a home to run to.
- Sports Enthusiasts I got hired by my local baseball team to keep the players cool in the locker room. It was a difficult job because I'm not a fan.
- What do you call a baseball player that holds water? A pitcher.
- Why did the baseball player fail at the math test? He used base 3.
- Why did the police arrest the baseball player? Because he allegedly murdered his wife and kids.
- Why are frogs good baseball players? Because they're good at catching flies!
- Did you hear about the baseball player who was in that terrible wreck? It was a hit and run.
- Ambidextrous baseball players... Swing both ways
Basketball Player Jokes
Here is a list of funny basketball player jokes and even better basketball player puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom? Because he was dribbling. 😊
- A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens. They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.
- Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation. Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.
- What do you get when a basketball player gets a lung infection? LeBronchitis
- Blind basketball players... You've got to hand it to them
- My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever Nothing but net
- Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players? They dribble all the time.
- What's a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese.
- What do you call a Greek basketball player? A hooplite
- Why was Cinderella a lousy basketball player? She had a pumpkin for a coach.
Tennis Player Jokes
Here is a list of funny tennis player jokes and even better tennis player puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does love mean to a tennis player? Nothing
- How many tennis players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What?!? It's out? That's totally in.
- They say Federer is the greatest tennis player in Grass Court and Nadal for Clay Court. How about for Djokovic? Federal Court.
- Never get in a serious relationship with a tennis player. Because love means nothing to them.
- A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him. Hey what's all that in your pocket?
He says It's tennis balls
Well, if it's anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful! - I was cheated on by a tennis player... Should've seen it coming. Love means nothing to them.
- My first girlfriend was a tennis player, and she broke my heart... It was like love meant nothing to her.
- I always wondered why there is such a high rate of divorce among tennis players Then I realized love means nothing to them.
- Two tennis players got into a shouting match. They made quite a racket.
- Tennis players grunt too much when they practice... There's no need for all that racket.
Hilarious Player Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about player you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make player pranks.
My love life is like my video game
I always play single player, and I can never find anyone who wants to play co-op
A bass player runs into a bar...
where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped inside!"
A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.
The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
"You know, you're good as a keeper."
"Oh? What brought this about?"
"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."
After the Seahawks game, a reporter went to interview a banged-up player, who had two black eyes.
The reporter said, "You look terrible - what happened to you?"
The player said, "I pulled a groin."
The reporter asks, "You have two black eyes - how did that happen if you pulled a groin?"
The guy responds, "Not mine - someone else's."
3 soccer players, one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal, are lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what? So the guy from Manchester says, well since I'm from ManCHESTer, i'll get the chest. The player from Liverpool goes, well in that case I'll eat the LIVER. Then guy from ARSEnal says...i'm not hungry....
A man goes into a casting agents office
with his dog. The man says, "My dog can talk, you gotta give us a contract. We'll make millions!"
The agent says "Show me."
The man asks the dog "How does sandpaper feel?"
The Dog says "Rough!"
The man asks "Who is the best baseball player ever?"
The Dog says "Roof!" (babe ruth)
The agent says "Get out of here!" He has his goons throw the man and his dog out the front door.
The dog says "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio"
Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD.
Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player
How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Just have the keybord player do it with their left hand.
What do a hippie-chick and a hockey player have in common?
Both don't shower until after 3 periods.
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the t**... player jealous of his computer's RAM?
It has more gigs than he does.
What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?
Check, mate.
Why is French person a better team player than a pirate?
The pirate says, "Aye, aye!"
The French says, "Oui, oui!"
How did the unqualified harp player get into the orchestra?
She pulled some strings.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**..., I pee like a pro basketball player!
Lots of dribbling.
An accordion player walks into a bar,
orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.
why is the bass player stuck outside?
he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway
If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.
I'd hate to toot my own horn
Lucy, In the Sky, With Diamonds
John Lennon, proving he was a terrible Clue player
What did the orphan poker player say?
Will you raise me?
How do you get a guitar player to shut up?
Put sheet music in front of him
Letter to God
Dear God,
Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.
A man walks out of a bar...
He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar...
What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user??
Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time ;)
I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee.
No arm, no foul.
Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls.
He's won all 5/7.
If a piano player is called a pianist
Wouldn't a racecar driver be called a racist?
Why did the console player faint at the museum?
Because there were so many frames!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he's a player
But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys it's your mom?
My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player...
And boy, it's Messi.
Did you hear what happened to that NFL player that murdered several people?
He was suspended.
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
A Rock Band Plays 3 Chords for a 3000 Person Crowd
Where as a jazz player will play 3000 chords for a 3 person crowd.
Alabama college kid visiting Boston
So this Alabama Crimson Tide football player is visiting Boston. He's at a party and sees this pretty blonde girl, want to chat her up.
Goes over and says "What college does you go to?" She's not impressed by his down south accent and general rural hick ways, so she says "Yale." and looks away.
He lean over to her ear and says "WHAT COLLEGE DOES YOU GO TO?"
My mom told me never date a soccer player,
Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.
What's the difference between a Golf player and skydiver?
One goes:
*Whack*, "Darn!"
While the other goes:
"Darn!", *Whack*
PS: Not sure if this was posted before, but i think it's still funny.
What do a DND player and a gangster have in common?
They both refer to their freinds as those they 'roll with'
Don't be frightened if you see a Pokemon Go player outside your bathroom window.
He's just trying to catch a pikachu.
Bob didn't believe that Fred's dog could talk
So Fred asked his dog, What's on top of a house?
Roof, the dog barked.
Bob wasn't convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.
Rough.
He still wasn't convinced.
O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time? Fred asked the dog.
Ruth.
With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?
A guitar player was panicking because he couldn't play his open strings
His instructor told him don't fret
What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?
Grain Wetzsky
UNFAITHFUL WIVES
A man is talking to his friend "I think my wife is being
unfaithful to me. And I think she's going out with a tennis
player."
The friend asks "Tennis player? Why?"
"Because", answers the other, "I found a racquet under our bed".
The friend thinks for some seconds and says "Gee, I think then
my wife is being unfaithful to me with a horse".
"A horse?? How come? Why??"
"Because I found a jockey under our bed."
A man asked Satan...
"How can I become the best guitarist in the world?"
Satan answered, "Give me your soul."
The man was bewildered. "What if I gave you a dollar instead?"
Satan smiled. "Then I'll make you the best bass player in the world."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...
The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."
A Pokemon Go player walks into a bar.
And a tree. And a wall. And into a lake.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a guy bangs a lot of girls, he's a player. But if a girl bangs a lot of guys
I'm not one of them
A pianist performing in a subway terminal...
was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.
Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.
I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"
To which he replied, "I cannot play piano without my metro-gnome."
I don't have a girlfriend because I'm a player
More specifically, singleplayer
If I had to box a professional athlete.
I would choose a soccer player.
A bass player joke.
A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"
"I blew it off I had a gig."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Describe your s**... life with a movie title
Ready Player One
What do you call a German jazz player?
Jazz Hans.
What Do You Call An Arrogant Trumpet Player?
A Brass-Hole
I went to lunch with a champion chess player.
It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Fortnite player in a car?
v**... Mobile
Why did Shakira marry a soccer player
For his stamina mina eh eh!
