played Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious played stories

What are the best played puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Played? Well here is a complete list of the top played jokes:

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.


A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..

the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."


The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."


I played a blank CD at full blast yesterday

...the mimes next door went nuts.


Our neighbors got really annoyed at me after I played catch with their son yesterday.

But in fairness, I couldn't find a ball, and the kid actually seemed to enjoy getting tossed back and forth. So I don't know what the big deal is.


Doggy style

My wife and I haf sex doggy style last night...She rolled over and played dead, and I sat there and begged for it.


My rock band got a gig at the baseball game.

I played first bass.


There was a huge earthquake at the Christian Brothers' Monastery, which was destroyed...

All fifty brothers were killed and went to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, Let's go through the entry test as a group. First question, how many of you have played around with little boys? Forty-nine hands went up. Okay, right! said St Peter. You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory to atone for that before you can enter Heaven. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!


I asked a French man if he played video games

He said, "Wii"


Your daddy is so stupid..

that he played Russian roulette with a Glock Pistol


I should stay up until 3 in the morning more often

I want to make a show with the two actors who have played Khan in the different Star Trek films where we discuss literature. We will call it "Prose and Khans".


Cowboys and...

A cowboy, a Native American, and an African American are sitting at a bar.

The Native American says "Once we were many, now we are few."

The African American says "Once we were few, but now we is many."

The cowboy says "Yes, but we ain't played cowboys and niggers yet."


What sport is played in Spanish churches?

La Cross


Knock, knock.

Go fuck yourselves.

- The straight-laced and frustrated FBI agent, played by Tom Hanks', joke in the movie Catch Me If You Can.


A Chinese joke translated to English

A lion is getting married in jungle. There is a big bash and all animals are dancing to the tune of loud music being played.
In a corner, a rat is dancing too.
Rat is asked, "Hey! Why are you dancing?
Rat replied, "It's my brother's marriage, so only."
"When did the lion become you brother?"
The Rat: "Before marriage I was a lion too."


I wish Benedict Cumberbatch played Q in 007

Then I could call him Benedict "Q" Cumberbatch.


The guy who played Elliot in E.T. just got a DUI.

Probably wouldn't have gotten pulled over if he had taken the bicycle.


The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.


What do you call a Psychic Compromise?

A Happy Medium.

Sorry, a played around with the wording of this a lot and couldn't find anything better. Please suggest a better phrasing.


Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a prince, who asked a beautiful princess to marry him: Will you be my wife?

And she said:

And so he lived happily ever after, he went fishing and hunting, met his friends every single day, drunk helluva lot of beer, got wasted, played golf, threw socks all over the place, fucked maids, girls next door, sang in a shower, farted, burped loudly and scratched his balls anytime he wanted.

The end.


A Jewish boy played Operation with his mother.

He just couldn't beat her! Round after round he collected fewer bones than his mother; he just couldn't seem to keep from touching the sides and making Cavity Sam's big red nose light up.

Finally she gets up and says, "okay, that was the last game, honey". Then under her breath "yep, lawyer"


What did he blind man do for three hours after losing he's seeing-eye-dog?

He played Barko Polo.


What did the blind man do for three hours after losing his seeing-seeing-eye-dog?

He played Barko Polo.


Is this prank too much as revenge? Need suggestions for execution

So my boyfriend of a year played a prank on me where he had asked me if I found the gift he had left me. I spent so much time looking in every possible corner of my room and was even late to class only for him to tell me april fools. I want to get him back so I bought a fake pregnancy test. What do you guys think? Is this too much? I dont want to piss him off, just get a good laugh.


Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Little Johnny played in the mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke? Little Johnny took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke again? Bubbles was the girl next door.


Why was Tiger Woods such a good golfer?

He practiced more-- Tiger played an 18-hole course every day, and then played another 18 holes over the course of the night.


I got really angry and shouted at Bono when he played a prank on me recently.

He really had to know you can get seriously hurt if you fall backwards over someone.

But thats what happens when people push me over the edge.


A student in English class...

Today In English class we played a word game.
All the students were very competitive and wanted to win the game.
We were asked to come up with something related with crime and it needed to start with the letter "D"
A few seconds later I came up with an image of a Guillotine and it reminded me of the word "Decapitate"
Even though I was not sure how to spell it correctly, I wrote it down anyway.

A few minutes later, Finally I got a score after I spoke out loudly " Defecate"


Did you hear about the unreleased Western starring Bruce Lee?

He played Squint Eastwood.


What did Johann Sebastian Bach do when someone steam-rolled his organ?

He played a flat baroque piece!


Two little boys had a redneck cousin come over to spend the night.

While they were playing in their fort one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousin's finger. The redneck cousin said OW MOTHERFUCKER GET OFF MY FINGER!

The two boys had never heard that word before and asked about it. Redneck cousin explained that was the cool adult word that everyone was using. Delighted with their new word they merrily played through the night and went to bed late.

The next morning Dad is making breakfast and the first little boy drifts into the kitchen.

"What do you want for breakfast?" Dad asked.

"I want some motherfucking pancakes!", The first boy exclaimed. Dad smacks the little boy and admonishes him for swearing and sends him back into his room.

The second boy goes into the kitchen and Dad again asks what is wanted for breakfast. "I want some motherfucking pancakes!", the second boy said. He also gets whacked and sent back to his room, crying.

Redneck Cousin comes into the kitchen and Dad once again asks what is desired for breakfast.

Redneck Cousin says "I don't know, but I sure as HELL don't want any motherfucking pancakes!"


When Sean Astin played Rudy the people cheered, "Rudy! Rudy!! Rudy!!!"

With Giulianni it's, "Rudy? Rudy?! Rudy!?!"


I played UNO with my cousins from Mexico last weekend.

They just call it **ONE**


Last month, I went to a band's rock concert.

Last month, I went to a band's rock concert. I enjoyed my time there, the overpriced food was good, the band was great and they played a lot of songs, the people there were nice, but everything started falling apart once the show was over.

I wanted to ask for an autograph and they took me backstage, undressed me and violently buttfucked me.
My anus was ripped to shreds, so I knew I had to do something...

I waited a week to see if my anus was getting any better, but it was hopeless. I couldn't avoid the inevitable. I *had* to go *there*...

Once I was done manning myself up, I took a walk of shame to the hospital.

I entered the building slowly and awkwardly. I then told the nurses what happened. Luckily, they didn't judge me too much and they just told a team of doctors to take a look at my "situation".

The doctors checked the gaping, bleeding hole in my butt and patched it up.
Guess what I have all over and inside my ripped anus now?

Band aids.


Bob Marley is a liar.

I have loud headphones. I decided to listen to Bob Marley. I put them in while the volume was all the way up, and it's blaring at that level, but the song wasn't on. When I played it, the steel drum beat at the beginning hurt my ears. When the music hit me, I felt pain.


What's in a name?

A woman sits down next to another mother on a park bench as their kids played together on a playground in Keswick, and they got to talking.
The woman was astonished that the other Mom had eleven children, all named Jayden.

Why did you call all your kids Jayden?" she asked her new friend.

"It's a great time-saver, I can just yell JAYDEN, time for bed", and they all will come running".

A perplexed look crossed the face of the first woman But don't you find it a little confusing? What if you only wanted to call one specific child, the second youngest, or the oldest? How do you get just their attention?

Simple… said the mother of eleven …then I just call them by their LAST names


Today, I was outsmarted by my cat.

Every morning, my cat wakes me up, meowing incessantly until I feed him. He meows when I get out of bed. "I know," I say; "Meow!" is his response. "I'm coming." Meow! "Yes. You're hungry. Shocker." Meow! "Who has shit for brains?" Dead silence, as he stares at me. Well played, cat, well played.


A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...

The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. "Well," Tommy begins, "I played in the sand box with Suzy!" "Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gold star." So Tommy goes up to the board, spells 'sand' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, "Suzy, what'd you do for recess today?" So Suzy answers, "like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together." "Okay," the teacher thinks, "if you can come up to the board and spell 'box' I'll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells 'box' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, "Tyrone, what'd you do for recess today?" "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn't let me," Tyrone answers. "Oh no!" says the teacher, "That's terrible! Do you know what that's called? That's called 'racial discrimination.' If you can come up to the board and spell 'racial discrimination' I'll give you a gold star."


The post about the Auschwitz survivors reminded me about this. An old jewish man...

An old Jewish man played the lottery every day, and finally after a lifetime of buying tickets, he wins big. The very first thing he bought was a giant golden statue of Adolf Hitler and put it on display in his front lawn.

Of course, the man became a local celebrity. He just won the lottery and everyone was coming by his house to congratulate him. A local news reporter stopped by and asked the old man, "Sir, congratulations on winning so much money! But I have to ask... What's with the giant statue of Hitler on your front lawn?

The old man smiles... he rolls up his sleeve, reveals his forearm and says "Well... he DID give me the winning numbers.

(Yeah, I see you cringing)



A First-grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's great. Tell you what, go to the blackboard, and if you can write the word 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you can write the word 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Leroy what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.

Tell you what, if you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."


Little Johnny getting Married!

Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."


A man was hired to play bagpipes at a funeral...

He was running a little bit late on the day of the funeral, but he managed to find the proper address before too long. When he got there, the only people still there were the undertakers burying the casket. "Better late than never" he thought, so he played Amazing Grace and the men politely listened to the whole thing. When he was done, the one man said to him "Well thank you very much, that's the nicest accompaniment we've ever had to the laying of a septic tank."


I played for a homeless mans funeral

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.


A violinist goes to Israel to play a concert...

The violinist goes along with his concert and plays to the best of his ability. When he was finished, he rose up and gave a bow. The crowd roared in applause, but from the back of the crowd a man yelled,
"Play it again!"

Honored by this request, the violinist obliged, and played his piece again.
When he finished, the crowd again roared with applause. The man in the back of the audience proclaimed once more,
"Play it again!"

Knowing he was pressed for time, the Violinist replied,
"I am honored by your request sir, but I have another concert to perform in Turkey and I have to catch my flight.

Finally, the man said,
"You are going to sit down and play it again until you get it right!"


Did you hear about the kid who was afraid of monsters under the bed?

The kid's parents taught him to call under the bed every night and ask "Are there any monsters down there?". If you don't hear an answer, then you can go to sleep and know that it is safe.

Well, One night his parents went out and he was stuck with a stupid baby sitter. She completely ignored him. So he made cereal for dinner and played video games on the TV till it got late and he was tired.

He went to his room and found his baby sitter just sitting there. She left his room, and he went to bed. He sat puzzled for a moment, because the baby sitter's hair was a mess, and she had a blank look on her face like something had happened. So, he called under the bed and asked, "Are there any monsters down there?"

After a few seconds, a voice answered back "No".

The kid died of fright.


Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.

First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.

More movie news, the trailer for the new "X-Men" flick shows that Wolverine will potentially face grave injury. The harrowing injury comes about when our hero forgets to retract his claws before wiping.

This is a cool story, a US Airways flight safely made a belly landing at Newark Airport. The plane was evidently taken down by heavy turbulence originating from Governor Christie's farts at a nearby Long John Silver's.

TV news, ESPN has been forced to take major layoffs and budget cuts. You can tell things are getting cheap as now the only athletic event they now can afford to cover is Tiger Woods dodging heels thrown by his exes.

In the political sector, Vice President Biden recently ribbed the president for always using a teleprompter. However, nobody seemed to ridicule Biden when he read his recent speech on healthcare reform off the back of a Hooters napkin.

And finally, the new Xbox will utilize "the cloud" - so no matter where you are in the world, at any time, you can look up the fact that you lost a brave Call of Duty battle to a 13 year-old user named "GeneralFatPenis69".

Thanks for reading again, folks. I really appreciate it!


Poor Ajmal.

After playtime, Ms Wilson asks some of her kindergarten kids what they did during playtime.
"What did you do at playtime Tom?"
"I played in the sandpit" said Tom.
"Very good, if you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie!"
Tom spelled sand and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Sally?"
"I played in the sandpit with Tom" said Sally.
"That's nice, if you can spell pit, I'll give you a cookie!"
Sally spelled pit and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Ajmal?"
"I tried to play in the sandpit, but Sally and Tom threw rocks at me!" said Ajmal.
"That sounds like blatant racial discrimination, If you can spell blatant racial discrimination I'll give you a cookie!".


It was my first time riding a plane...

I was so nervous, and it was showing I was very uncomfortable...

A good-looking stewardess, approached me and asked if I was feeling okay, and If I needed anything. I said no, I was fine, it was my first time riding a plane and was just nervous. She smiled and said, "Ah perhaps you should listen to some music", then she walked away.

So I took out my phone, and played A7x in full blast, which disturbed everyone around me, as I did not have any earphones. Again the flight attendant approached me and asked,

"Would you like some headphones?"

I looked up to her at amazement and shock and said,

"yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"


I'll see myself out


One day a mother skunk

Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.

"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"

Out hid his eyes and began counting slowly all the way until 100.

"Ready or not, here I come," Out shouted.

He rushed around all the usual spots but couldn't find his sibling. Everywhere he looked and found nothing made him a little more nervous. After an hour of screaming for his sibling he ran back home crying. He burst through the door and his mother looked at him.

"Out, what's the matter?" she asked.

"We were playing hide and go seek and I can't find In," he replied through his tears.

The mother smiled and patted him on the head. "Wait right here," she said and walked out the door.

Not even a minute later she walked back in with her other baby skunk.

Out looked at her with amazement. "Mommy, how do you find him so quick?!" he asked.

"Oh, it was easy," she replied. "In stinked."


A little girl was playing in the garden

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That's a Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.

The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."



You've red some of the best played jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about played. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty played gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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