Played Jokes

What are some Played jokes?

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

I went to a disco last night.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

They played the Macarena, I did the Macarena. They played the Twist, I did the twist. They played Come On Eileen…

…I got kicked out for that one…

A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..

the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

I went to a dance.

First they played 'Jump', so I jumped.

Then they played 'The Twist', so I twisted.

Then they played 'Come On Eileen', so I got kicked out.

Last night my wife and I did it "doggy-style"...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone?

Because he lost his whoremonica

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.

I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

I played my wedding video backwards today.

It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

Today, I played God.

I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...

Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

I was at a retro night down at the club

The DJ played "The Twist", so I did the twist. Then he played "The Macarena", and I did the Macarena. When he played "Come on Eileen", that's when the police arrested me.

So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together

Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the " Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen"

So I was told to leave

I played doctor with my girlfriend

She stayed over for the weekend and I sent her a bill for $200,000

My brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

My Brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused food or drink. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and started throwing things.

We never played Monopoly again.

My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...

I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.

Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

I played chess with my friend from Central Europe.

Czech mate.

Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord.

Gsus

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?

He played the force.

I had a terrible night out at the club

I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it. They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well. Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...

The first time I played chess, I thought the castles moved diagonally.

Rookie mistake.

I played a blank CD at full blast yesterday

...the mimes next door went nuts.

My brother took being sent to prison really badly.

He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.

That was the last time we played monopoly.

Everybody who has played Russian Roulette will tell you it's safe.

Well, at least 5/6 people will.

If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card

...I'd have $0.77 cents.

Poor Ajmal.

After playtime, Ms Wilson asks some of her kindergarten kids what they did during playtime.
"What did you do at playtime Tom?"
"I played in the sandpit" said Tom.
"Very good, if you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie!"
Tom spelled sand and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Sally?"
"I played in the sandpit with Tom" said Sally.
"That's nice, if you can spell pit, I'll give you a cookie!"
Sally spelled pit and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Ajmal?"
"I tried to play in the sandpit, but Sally and Tom threw rocks at me!" said Ajmal.
"That sounds like blatant racial discrimination, If you can spell blatant racial discrimination I'll give you a cookie!".

I made a new mixtape, it was trash

Until I played it on my new galaxy note 7, then it was fire

A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...

The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. "Well," Tommy begins, "I played in the sand box with Suzy!" "Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gold star." So Tommy goes up to the board, spells 'sand' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, "Suzy, what'd you do for recess today?" So Suzy answers, "like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together." "Okay," the teacher thinks, "if you can come up to the board and spell 'box' I'll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells 'box' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, "Tyrone, what'd you do for recess today?" "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn't let me," Tyrone answers. "Oh no!" says the teacher, "That's terrible! Do you know what that's called? That's called 'racial discrimination.' If you can come up to the board and spell 'racial discrimination' I'll give you a gold star."

Sex is like a video game for me.

I usually just watch gameplay footage of it but never actually played it myself.

I went to a dance club last night...

>They played 'The Twist', and so I did the twist.

>They played 'Jump', and I jumped.

>They played 'Come on Eileen', and I got kicked out of the club.

-Not mine, but I thought I'd share.

2 spies in an interrogation room

The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.

Spy A says to the other

"Whatever you do, dont say a word"

A few seconds later Spy B said

"Fdugyop"

The Spy A looked at Spy B and said

"what did just say?"

Spy B replied

"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"

What does all pirate music have in common?

It's all played in the high C's.

Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....

If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.

I went to a dance club last night...

They played "The Twist, " so I twisted.
Then they played "Jump, " so I jumped.
Then they played "Come on Eileen, "
....and I got thrown out. :-(

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

Kid: I played with grandpa today!

Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!

Just played Uno with my Mexican co-workers...

...they stole all the green cards.

Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song?

He was charged with resisting a rest

Giving up golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf everyday since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathises with him and makes a cup of tea.

As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother is 103, he can't help."

"He may be 103, but his eyesight is perfect." says the wife.

So the next day Arthur heads of to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did, " replied the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.

His brother-in-law looks at him for a full minute and says, "I can't remember!"

God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Played an organ for the first time today

I really enjoyed it, but my patient didn't.

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?"

"Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski"

"And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?"

"Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated.

"Yesterday was my birthday."

Today I played chess with some old men in the park.

It was hard to round up 32 of them.

If you played pokemon in Brazil,

you might catch a Zikachu

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."

A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"

"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

When I was a kid, I only had two friends and they were imaginary.

It was too bad they only ever played with each other.

So i went to a dance club the other night...

... I had a great time

They played the Macarena, so I did the Macarena.

They played Jump Around, so I jumped around.

They played The Twist, so I did The Twist.

Then they played Come on Eileen, so I was promptly kicked out of the club.

If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn't choose to be on losing team

that would be Sioux side.

A man walks into a graveyard..

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. What's going on? he asks a cemetery worker.

It's Beethoven, says the worker. He's decomposing.

Little Johnny getting Married!

Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

So I was at the club

They played crank that, and I did the Superman.

They played the Cupid shuffle, so I did the Cupid shuffle.

They played Come on Eileen, and I got kicked out of the club.

You are Darth Vader. How can you tell if your stormtroopers just played paintball in their freetime again?

You can't.

What's in a name?

A woman sits down next to another mother on a park bench as their kids played together on a playground in Keswick, and they got to talking.
The woman was astonished that the other Mom had eleven children, all named Jayden.

Why did you call all your kids Jayden?" she asked her new friend.

"It's a great time-saver, I can just yell JAYDEN, time for bed", and they all will come running".

A perplexed look crossed the face of the first woman But don't you find it a little confusing? What if you only wanted to call one specific child, the second youngest, or the oldest? How do you get just their attention?

Simple… said the mother of eleven …then I just call them by their LAST names

2 spies were captured by the goverment

They both sat in the interrogation room.

The first spy whispered to the second spy "Whatever you do.... Dont say a word..."

An officer came into the room and asked "what is your name?"

The second spy just looked down for a few seconds and said "jabbaracko"

The first spy stared at the second spy angrily and whispered "what did i just say?!"

The second spy looked at the other and said "Oh when we played Scrabble you said 'thats not a word' but NOW its a word"

A class comes in from recess and is given a spelling test.

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess" asks the teacher. "I played in the sandbox with Sally" says Jimmy. "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?" "I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me." "Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep.

So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.

"I don't understand." The man said...

"They played 'Do the Hustle'. I did the Hustle...

They played 'Paint It Black'. I did that too...

They played 'Come On Eileen'. Now I'm here with you."

"I see," said the lawyer.

5 out of 6 people would recommend it...

5 out of 6 people who played Russian roulette, would recommend it to others.

Three Nuns get into Heaven

Three nuns had died and were going to Heaven. They gathered at the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter, who said

"Congratulations Sisters you have made it to Heaven! Now to get in you must answer a question each"

One Nun steps forward and he asks "Who was the first man in Creation?"

"Well that would be Adam" she said.

Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.

The second Nun steps forward, and he asks "Who was the first Woman?"

"Well that would be Eve" she replied

Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.

The third and last Nun stepped forward, and he asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The nun paused, pondering for a moment, and said "Wow that's a hard one"

Trumpets played, the gates opened....

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when I ran into a bear

Now he can ride a bike and has been through college.

A man was marooned on a desert island.

One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

Ronnie Corbett (1930 - 2016)

I typed ninjas into thesaurus.com. It said ninjas cannot be found.

Well played ninjas, well played.

A teacher calls up her first grade class from recess

She she says to little Sally
-"Sally, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sand box"
-"If you can spell the word "sand" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So she spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then comes in Jimmy so the teacher says
-"Jimmy, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sandbox with Sally"
-"If you can spell "box" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So he spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then Tyrone comes in
-"Tyrone, what did you do at recess"
-"Sally and Jimmy threw rocks at me!"
-"wow that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"

The guy that played Killmonger in Black Panther is great

He's the Michael Jordan of acting.

Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks

Our neighbors got really annoyed at me after I played catch with their son yesterday.

But in fairness, I couldn't find a ball, and the kid actually seemed to enjoy getting tossed back and forth. So I don't know what the big deal is.

Went to our annual work party last night...

They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Come on Eileen'...I was asked to leave shortly after that.

The class comes in from recess and gets a spelling quiz...

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher.
"I played in the sand box with Sally!"
"That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?"
"I played in the sand box with Jimmy!"
"Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?"
"I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me."
"Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

My girlfriend and I played footsie at the family table and I climaxed.

Turns out it was her grandma. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

A king is picking the music to be played at his party

A king is throwing an extravagant party, and wants the perfect music to go along, but he can't decide who to have perform. So, he asks his most highly esteemed servant for advice.

"I am looking for a new unique style of music to be played at the party," says the king.

"Well, how about Johann Bach?" suggests the servant.

"He's great and everything," says the king, "But I want something new and unique"

The servant says, "Well what about oldest son, William Bach? He has mastered the art of classical music"

At this point the King is getting irritated. "No, no, no. I want something fresh and new and refreshing to hear. We've all heard of classical music"

"I know just the person you're looking for!" says the servant. "His youngest son David Bach has a style unlike that of his brothers and father. How does that sound?"

The king, furious at his servants similar suggestions, screams, "What's wrong with you? Can't you think outside the Bachs?!"

I played squash against my son.

A wall might have been better.

I once volunteered to help out at a special needs school

I played games with them like football, tennis, basketball etc.
It makes you feel so good inside...


Because you always win.

I was at an office party last night.

They played the Twist and I twisted, they played Jump Around and I jumped around. Unfortunately, I was asked to leave when they played Come on Eileen

One day a mother skunk

Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.

"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"

Out hid his eyes and began counting slowly all the way until 100.

"Ready or not, here I come," Out shouted.

He rushed around all the usual spots but couldn't find his sibling. Everywhere he looked and found nothing made him a little more nervous. After an hour of screaming for his sibling he ran back home crying. He burst through the door and his mother looked at him.

"Out, what's the matter?" she asked.

"We were playing hide and go seek and I can't find In," he replied through his tears.

The mother smiled and patted him on the head. "Wait right here," she said and walked out the door.

Not even a minute later she walked back in with her other baby skunk.

Out looked at her with amazement. "Mommy, how do you find him so quick?!" he asked.

"Oh, it was easy," she replied. "In stinked."

I went to buy a 'Where's Wally?' book today but couldn't find one anywhere.

Well played, Wally. Well played.

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.

Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."

Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have experience playing the part."

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him, and states, "I'll be Bach."ο»Ώ

How to make Played jokes?

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