played Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious played puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little girl was playing in the garden

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That's a Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.

The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The class comes in from recess and gets a spelling quiz...

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher.
"I played in the sand box with Sally!"
"That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?"
"I played in the sand box with Jimmy!"
"Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!"
Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?"
"I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me."
"Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to a disco last night.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Went to the disco last night...

Went to the disco last night.
They played Twist, so I did the Twist.
They played Jump, so I jumped.
They played Come on Eileen, I got kicked out for that one..

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.

He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man was marooned on a desert island.

One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

Ronnie Corbett (1930 - 2016)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I played for a homeless mans funeral

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Russian goes to Africa.

A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.

"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."

"What's the danger in that?"

"One of them is a cannibal."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...

The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. "Well," Tommy begins, "I played in the sand box with Suzy!" "Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gold star." So Tommy goes up to the board, spells 'sand' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, "Suzy, what'd you do for recess today?" So Suzy answers, "like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together." "Okay," the teacher thinks, "if you can come up to the board and spell 'box' I'll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells 'box' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, "Tyrone, what'd you do for recess today?" "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn't let me," Tyrone answers. "Oh no!" says the teacher, "That's terrible! Do you know what that's called? That's called 'racial discrimination.' If you can come up to the board and spell 'racial discrimination' I'll give you a gold star."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?"

"Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski"

"And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?"

"Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated.

"Yesterday was my birthday."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

They played the Macarena, I did the Macarena. They played the Twist, I did the twist. They played Come On Eileen…

…I got kicked out for that one…

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..

the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to a dance.

First they played 'Jump', so I jumped.

Then they played 'The Twist', so I twisted.

Then they played 'Come On Eileen', so I got kicked out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last night my wife and I did it "doggy-style"...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone?

Because he lost his whoremonica

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife and I did it Doggy Style last night...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

He's been playing. She's been played.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.

I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck

He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we'd played a few holes when my wife hit a drive that sliced and drifted over into the dairy's pasture. All four of us searched and searched for that ball, but couldn't find it anywhere. Just as we were about to give up, I noticed something white under one cow's tail. I lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball in the cow's vagina. So, I pointed at it and said 'Hey honey, this looks like yours'.....

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I played my wedding video backwards today.

It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today, I played God.

I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist...

...whose breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately it distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached the organist and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said..."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was at a retro night down at the club

The DJ played "The Twist", so I did the twist. Then he played "The Macarena", and I did the Macarena. When he played "Come on Eileen", that's when the police arrested me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A class comes in from recess and is given a spelling test.

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess" asks the teacher. "I played in the sandbox with Sally" says Jimmy. "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.
"Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie.
"Jamal, what did you do during recess?" "I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me." "Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

George was having breakfast when Mildred walked in, dropped her robe, and sat naked at the table.

She leaned forward on her elbows towards George, her chin resting playfully on the back of her right hand as her left hand played with his tie.

"You know," purred Mildred, "I still have urges. I still want you, physically. In fact, even after 60 years of marriage, my tits are getting all hot just thinking about your hands exploring them."

"I'm not surprised," replied George, "one of them is in my porridge and the other one is in my coffee."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together

Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was at a disco last night

They played the twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. So I jumped.

They played come on eileen. I got kicked out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A teacher says to her first grade class

"Alright kids, from now on, we must use grown up words. Now Tommy, what did you do this weekend?"

"I rode on a Choo-Choo", said Tommy

"No Tommy, you rode on a train, please use more grown-up words. Now Jacky, what did you do this weekend?"
"I played with my woof woof", said Jacky

"No Jacky, you should say you played with your dog. Now Suzy, what did you do this weekend?"

"Well," she said, "I watched a television show"

"See, those are grown-up words. Now Suzy, what show did you watch?"

Suzy thought for a second and proudly said, "Winnie the Shit"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to a dance.

First they played 'Jump', and I jumped.

Then they played 'The Twist', and I twisted.

Then they played 'Come On Eileen', and I got kicked out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very busty organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons' because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2 spies were captured by the goverment

They both sat in the interrogation room.

The first spy whispered to the second spy "Whatever you do.... Dont say a word..."

An officer came into the room and asked "what is your name?"

The second spy just looked down for a few seconds and said "jabbaracko"

The first spy stared at the second spy angrily and whispered "what did i just say?!"

The second spy looked at the other and said "Oh when we played Scrabble you said 'thats not a word' but NOW its a word"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to a disco last night... (mildly NSFW)

They played The Twist, so I did the twist.

They played Jump, so I jumped.

They played Come on Eileen

I got kicked out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Discrimination?

A First-grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's great. Tell you what, go to the blackboard, and if you can write the word 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you can write the word 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Leroy what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.

Tell you what, if you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I played doctor with my girlfriend

She stayed over for the weekend and I sent her a bill for $200,000

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two little boys had a redneck cousin come over to spend the night.

While they were playing in their fort one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousin's finger. The redneck cousin said OW MOTHERFUCKER GET OFF MY FINGER!

The two boys had never heard that word before and asked about it. Redneck cousin explained that was the cool adult word that everyone was using. Delighted with their new word they merrily played through the night and went to bed late.

The next morning Dad is making breakfast and the first little boy drifts into the kitchen.

"What do you want for breakfast?" Dad asked.

"I want some motherfucking pancakes!", The first boy exclaimed. Dad smacks the little boy and admonishes him for swearing and sends him back into his room.

The second boy goes into the kitchen and Dad again asks what is wanted for breakfast. "I want some motherfucking pancakes!", the second boy said. He also gets whacked and sent back to his room, crying.

Redneck Cousin comes into the kitchen and Dad once again asks what is desired for breakfast.

Redneck Cousin says "I don't know, but I sure as HELL don't want any motherfucking pancakes!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Brother took going to jail really badly.

He refused food or drink. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and started throwing things.

We never played Monopoly again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...

I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.

Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I played chess with my friend from Central Europe.

Czech mate.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If Tiger Wood and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win?

Tiger Woods! because he has a better driver!


I'll be in hell if you need me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord.

Gsus

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?

He played the force.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I had a terrible night out at the club

I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it. They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well. Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A king is picking the music to be played at his party

A king is throwing an extravagant party, and wants the perfect music to go along, but he can't decide who to have perform. So, he asks his most highly esteemed servant for advice.

"I am looking for a new unique style of music to be played at the party," says the king.

"Well, how about Johann Bach?" suggests the servant.

"He's great and everything," says the king, "But I want something new and unique"

The servant says, "Well what about oldest son, William Bach? He has mastered the art of classical music"

At this point the King is getting irritated. "No, no, no. I want something fresh and new and refreshing to hear. We've all heard of classical music"

"I know just the person you're looking for!" says the servant. "His youngest son David Bach has a style unlike that of his brothers and father. How does that sound?"

The king, furious at his servants similar suggestions, screams, "What's wrong with you? Can't you think outside the Bachs?!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The first time I played chess, I thought the castles moved diagonally.

Rookie mistake.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum

But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Sight

A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."

"That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help."

"He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife.

The next day, he took Kevin to the golf course. He tees, takes a mighty swing and squint down the fairway, then turned to Kevin and said, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did" replied Kevin. " I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" he asked.

"Where did what go?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I played a blank CD at full blast yesterday

...the mimes next door went nuts.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My brother took being sent to prison really badly.

He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.

That was the last time we played monopoly.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Everybody who has played Russian Roulette will tell you it's safe.

Well, at least 5/6 people will.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Obama played the race card, Hillary played the gender card

But America played the Trump Card

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card

...I'd have $0.77 cents.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to a haunted house that played 70s music.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was out in the club and they played "The Twist," so I did the twist. They played "The Macarena," so I did the Macarena...

Then they played "Come On Eileen," and I got kicked out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I made a new mixtape, it was trash

Until I played it on my new galaxy note 7, then it was fire

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Poor Ajmal.

After playtime, Ms Wilson asks some of her kindergarten kids what they did during playtime.
"What did you do at playtime Tom?"
"I played in the sandpit" said Tom.
"Very good, if you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie!"
Tom spelled sand and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Sally?"
"I played in the sandpit with Tom" said Sally.
"That's nice, if you can spell pit, I'll give you a cookie!"
Sally spelled pit and was given a cookie by Ms Wilson.
"What did you do at playtime Ajmal?"
"I tried to play in the sandpit, but Sally and Tom threw rocks at me!" said Ajmal.
"That sounds like blatant racial discrimination, If you can spell blatant racial discrimination I'll give you a cookie!".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sex is like a video game for me.

I usually just watch gameplay footage of it but never actually played it myself.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Have you ever played the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom you take 4 Shots.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to a dance club last night...

>They played 'The Twist', and so I did the twist.

>They played 'Jump', and I jumped.

>They played 'Come on Eileen', and I got kicked out of the club.

-Not mine, but I thought I'd share.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2 spies in an interrogation room

The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.

Spy A says to the other

"Whatever you do, dont say a word"

A few seconds later Spy B said

"Fdugyop"

The Spy A looked at Spy B and said

"what did just say?"

Spy B replied

"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does all pirate music have in common?

It's all played in the high C's.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My gay friend told me his old boyfriend never played with his balls, but his new one just can't stop playing with them

I told him "I suppose one man's junk is another mans treasure"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....

If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to a dance club last night...

They played "The Twist, " so I twisted.
Then they played "Jump, " so I jumped.
Then they played "Come on Eileen, "
....and I got thrown out. :-(

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I lost a Scrabble game today when my opponent played the word "Clitoris".

I was amazed at how fast he found it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Kid: I played with grandpa today!

Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Just played Uno with my Mexican co-workers...

...they stole all the green cards.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song?

He was charged with resisting a rest

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Played an organ for the first time today

I really enjoyed it, but my patient didn't.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Giving up golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf everyday since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathises with him and makes a cup of tea.

As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother is 103, he can't help."

"He may be 103, but his eyesight is perfect." says the wife.

So the next day Arthur heads of to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did, " replied the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.

His brother-in-law looks at him for a full minute and says, "I can't remember!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

A fire staff.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today I played chess with some old men in the park.

It was hard to round up 32 of them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you played pokemon in Brazil,

you might catch a Zikachu

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"That is him." I said to my wife in the shopping centre.

"That's Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It doesn't look like him, go on over and ask."

A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. "Well, what did he say?"

"Nothing." I said. "It's a rubbish bin."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When I was a kid, I only had two friends and they were imaginary.

It was too bad they only ever played with each other.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So i went to a dance club the other night...

... I had a great time

They played the Macarena, so I did the Macarena.

They played Jump Around, so I jumped around.

They played The Twist, so I did The Twist.

Then they played Come on Eileen, so I was promptly kicked out of the club.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn't choose to be on losing team

that would be Sioux side.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a graveyard..

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. What's going on? he asks a cemetery worker.

It's Beethoven, says the worker. He's decomposing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny getting Married!

Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I was at the club

They played crank that, and I did the Superman.

They played the Cupid shuffle, so I did the Cupid shuffle.

They played Come on Eileen, and I got kicked out of the club.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jail

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

You are Darth Vader. How can you tell if your stormtroopers just played paintball in their freetime again?

You can't.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

No Butter!

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry and Fred both played poor shots. Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? I'm so angry you won't have any butter for your toast for a month..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for your toast for a year!" THEN POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, by the Pussy Willows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Scotsman at a baseball game

A Scotsman newly immigrated to the U.S. wants to immerse himself in American life, so he goes to a baseball game. He has no clue how it's played, but every time the batter takes off for first base all the people around him yell, "Run! Run!" So he stands up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!"

In the fourth inning a batter gets walked. When the umpire calls ball four he tosses the bat aside and starts ambling toward first at a leisurely pace. The Scotsman jumps up and yells, "Rrrrun, laddie! Rrrrun!" but the guy sitting next to him nudges him and says, "No, no, he's got four balls, he gets to walk." The Scotsman says, "Four balls?" He looks back out at the player, raises his fist and intones, "Walk prrrroud, laddie! Walk PRRROUD!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's in a name?

A woman sits down next to another mother on a park bench as their kids played together on a playground in Keswick, and they got to talking.
The woman was astonished that the other Mom had eleven children, all named Jayden.

Why did you call all your kids Jayden?" she asked her new friend.

"It's a great time-saver, I can just yell JAYDEN, time for bed", and they all will come running".

A perplexed look crossed the face of the first woman But don't you find it a little confusing? What if you only wanted to call one specific child, the second youngest, or the oldest? How do you get just their attention?

Simple… said the mother of eleven …then I just call them by their LAST names

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"I don't understand." The man said...

"They played 'Do the Hustle'. I did the Hustle...

They played 'Paint It Black'. I did that too...

They played 'Come On Eileen'. Now I'm here with you."

"I see," said the lawyer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep.

So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last week I played a round of golf and hit two of my best balls ever...

I stepped on a rake.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

5 out of 6 people would recommend it...

5 out of 6 people who played Russian roulette, would recommend it to others.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when I ran into a bear

Now he can ride a bike and has been through college.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three Nuns get into Heaven

Three nuns had died and were going to Heaven. They gathered at the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter, who said

"Congratulations Sisters you have made it to Heaven! Now to get in you must answer a question each"

One Nun steps forward and he asks "Who was the first man in Creation?"

"Well that would be Adam" she said.

Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.

The second Nun steps forward, and he asks "Who was the first Woman?"

"Well that would be Eve" she replied

Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.

The third and last Nun stepped forward, and he asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The nun paused, pondering for a moment, and said "Wow that's a hard one"

Trumpets played, the gates opened....

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A teacher calls up her first grade class from recess

She she says to little Sally
-"Sally, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sand box"
-"If you can spell the word "sand" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So she spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then comes in Jimmy so the teacher says
-"Jimmy, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sandbox with Sally"
-"If you can spell "box" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So he spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then Tyrone comes in
-"Tyrone, what did you do at recess"
-"Sally and Jimmy threw rocks at me!"
-"wow that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If Trump played an RPG, what would his main weapon be?

Fire staff.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The guy that played Killmonger in Black Panther is great

He's the Michael Jordan of acting.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Our neighbors got really annoyed at me after I played catch with their son yesterday.

But in fairness, I couldn't find a ball, and the kid actually seemed to enjoy getting tossed back and forth. So I don't know what the big deal is.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Went to our annual work party last night...

They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Come on Eileen'...I was asked to leave shortly after that.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend and I played footsie at the family table and I climaxed.

Turns out it was her grandma. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I played squash against my son.

A wall might have been better.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I once volunteered to help out at a special needs school

I played games with them like football, tennis, basketball etc.
It makes you feel so good inside...


Because you always win.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was at an office party last night.

They played the Twist and I twisted, they played Jump Around and I jumped around. Unfortunately, I was asked to leave when they played Come on Eileen

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One day a mother skunk

Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.

"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"

Out hid his eyes and began counting slowly all the way until 100.

"Ready or not, here I come," Out shouted.

He rushed around all the usual spots but couldn't find his sibling. Everywhere he looked and found nothing made him a little more nervous. After an hour of screaming for his sibling he ran back home crying. He burst through the door and his mother looked at him.

"Out, what's the matter?" she asked.

"We were playing hide and go seek and I can't find In," he replied through his tears.

The mother smiled and patted him on the head. "Wait right here," she said and walked out the door.

Not even a minute later she walked back in with her other baby skunk.

Out looked at her with amazement. "Mommy, how do you find him so quick?!" he asked.

"Oh, it was easy," she replied. "In stinked."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord"

Huh? Must have been G-sus

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.

Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."

Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have experience playing the part."

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him, and states, "I'll be Bach."ο»Ώ

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night.

The mime next door went nuts!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the most commonly played song at a strip club in Iraq?

Baghdad ass up.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did the bassist say when he played too high?

I'm in treble now

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to buy a 'Where's Wally?' book today but couldn't find one anywhere.

Well played, Wally. Well played.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Russian goes to Thailand

A Russian goes to Thailand and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.

"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."

"What's the danger in that?"

"One of them is a man."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mothers Day Prank Suggestion

I played this simple and harmless joke on my mum a few years back and the family still laughs about it. Here you go:

Go to the local greenhouse or place that sells plants. Buy a really nice flower pot (empty) and a bag of potting soil. This is the key, while you are there snag one of the tags from a nice looking flower that has its name, picture and whatnot on it. Make sure its something exotic so she is excited about it. Then fill the empty pot with potting soil, stick the tag into the empty pot and put a nice bow on it. When you give it to her say something like "the lady at the greenhouse said this is a really beautiful plant when the bulb grows but be sure to water it daily, it should grow in like 3-5 weeks". Done. Mom thinks she go a nice gift and you get to watch her water a pot of dirt for at least a month until she decides to dig up the bulb thinking maybe she killed it... At this point I suggest you have an actual gift ready to give to her because I had to make an emergency trip to the greenhouse after being told: DONTCOMEHOMEWITHOUTAGODDAMFLOWERFORME!!!!! or something like that. Dad was still laughing when I got home, and afterwords mom even said it was a pretty good joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you can spell...

A first grade teacher is bringing her class in from recess.

Teacher: Jimmy, what did you do outside?

Jimmy: I played in the sandbox

Teacher: Wonderful! If you can spell "sand", you will get a cookie! What did you do Sally?

Sally: I played in the sandbox with Jimmy.

Teacher: Fantastic! If you can spell "box", you will get a cookie! Toby, what did you do?

Toby: I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Sally and Jimmy wouldn't let me because I am black.

Teacher: That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination"...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the kid who was afraid of monsters under the bed?

The kid's parents taught him to call under the bed every night and ask "Are there any monsters down there?". If you don't hear an answer, then you can go to sleep and know that it is safe.

Well, One night his parents went out and he was stuck with a stupid baby sitter. She completely ignored him. So he made cereal for dinner and played video games on the TV till it got late and he was tired.

He went to his room and found his baby sitter just sitting there. She left his room, and he went to bed. He sat puzzled for a moment, because the baby sitter's hair was a mess, and she had a blank look on her face like something had happened. So, he called under the bed and asked, "Are there any monsters down there?"

After a few seconds, a voice answered back "No".

The kid died of fright.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Doggy style

My wife and I haf sex doggy style last night...She rolled over and played dead, and I sat there and begged for it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I interviewed six people who had just played Russian Roulette...

5/6 of them said it was safe.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of Anne Frank's Diary was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My band

My band "Coldplay Secret Show" played a sold out gig tonight in front of 400 angry people.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the favorite game played by Hawaiian children these days?

The floor is lava.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do cows have long faces?

Why do cows have long faces?

Any woman who gets her tits played with twice a day but only f***ed once a year would have a long face too.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Following England in the world cup...

Every time England play I try to get in the spirit so when they played Tunisia I had a kebab, when they played Panama I treated myself to a cigar, when they played Belgium I pulled out the chocolates, can't fucking wait for this Colombia game!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I once heard a story of a man who played Destiny, trying to get the greatest boots of all time, named The Dubstep Grieves.

He died waiting for the drop.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

While I was on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem

While I was sitting on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem,

I stood up and he took my seat.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Dad who plays golf.

I always asked dad why he bought an extra pair of socks when he played golf. Told me in case he got a hole in one. πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do Tits & Model Trains have in common?

Tits & Model Trains were both intended for children,
but are played with by grown men.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walking on the beach...

...notices a man lying butt naked and a blind girl sitting next to him and tapping his butts. The man curiously asks her what she was doing, to which she responds "can't you see? I am playing the drums".

The man then pulls down his pants and lies down next to the girl and asks her "have you ever played a flute?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Golf in Japan

An American golfer went to Japan for a tournament. The night before he met a woman, and although neither spoke a word of the other's language, he managed to get the point across. They got into bed and when he stuck it in her she yelled something in Japanese which he took to me she was in ecstasy. The next day the golfer played in his tournament against a Japanese golfer. The Japanese golfer sank a tricky putt so the American golfer thought he'd compliment him but repeating the Japanese words he heard the night before. The Japanese golfer looked surprised and said What do you mean wrong hole?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My band played at a library yesterday

It was fully booked!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's a cowlick?

Dad: Son, your hair dresser does such a good job even with your cowlick as crazy as it is

Son: What's a cowlick?

Dad: Whatever it wants.

Son: what?

Dad: ...



My dad made this joke when I was around 10 and I didn't understand it until I was around 16...and I asked him about it every once in a while and he pretended he had no idea what I was talking about...really played the long con there....I can't wait for my kids to ask me about a cowlick...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My rock band got a gig at the baseball game.

I played first bass.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.
"Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a hooker before we met, are you OK with that"
He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on,so tell me more
She says "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friends told me I needed to loosen up....

so we went to a club and had a few drinks, after the 5th one I was ready dance.

So I went to the dance floor and then "The Twist" began to play, and I did The Twist.

Then "The Hustle" began to play, and I did The Hustle

Then "Come on Eileen" played and I got banned from the club.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Just played the new Hillary Presidency Simulator

I don't know why it's called Fallout 4 though.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Played puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Played? Well, here are the best jokes about Played to have fun with.

Joko Jokes