play Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious play puns

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

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Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

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Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

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I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

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Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

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Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

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Why can't two women play monopoly together?

There's only one iron.

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The Seattle Seahawks play calling.

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

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A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.

"Call who back?"

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A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

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What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Pitbull coming from the childrens play ground

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My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

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Two guys in a communal shower...

Guy1: You wanna play the rape game?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: That's the spirit!!

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Playing Oregon Trail.

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.

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England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'OK then, 2 minutes.'

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My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

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What video game would Adolf Hitler play?

Mein Kraft.

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They played the Macarena, I did the Macarena. They played the Twist, I did the twist. They played Come On Eileen…

…I got kicked out for that one…

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Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Nickelback

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Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?

A: Because they don't know where home is.

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Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

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Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

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iBoob

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

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Why does Elton John play the piano?

Because he sucks on an organ.

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If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting...

...what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

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My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

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America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

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TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

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I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Dad : I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Son: Why?

Dad: So you'll have something to play with when i take you there.

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My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

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There were two friends drinking and one says to the other

I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

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What are the most funny Play jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Play? Well, here are the best Play dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Play pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes