The Best 69 Play Jokes

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

Playing Oregon Trail.

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.

Why does nobody play Uno with Mexicans?

They always steal the green cards.

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

The Seattle Seahawks play calling.

Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting...

...what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

What video game would Adolf Hitler play?

Mein Kraft.

My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand?

Because she uses the other one to sing

Why does Elton John play the piano?

Because he sucks on an organ.

Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?

A: Because they don't know where home is.

What does sex and basketball have in common?

I'm too short to play

:(

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

Me: *Playing Ouija board*

Me: What's your name?

Ouija Board: I H A V E A B O Y F R I E N D

There were two friends drinking and one says to the other

I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

Two guys in a communal shower...

Guy1: You wanna play the rape game?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: That's the spirit!!

They played the Macarena, I did the Macarena. They played the Twist, I did the twist. They played Come On Eileen…

…I got kicked out for that one…

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

Why can't two women play monopoly together?

There's only one iron.

I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Dad : I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Son: Why?

Dad: So you'll have something to play with when i take you there.

I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been raped and beaten 3 times...

This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad

Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Nickelback

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Pitbull coming from the childrens play ground

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Why don't cats play poker in the forest?

Because there are too many cheetahs

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.

0 Kills

0 Assist

7 Deaths

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.

But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that's where the winner has the lowest score.

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Officer, you can't give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.

Cop: That's not how you play the race card.

As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I'm sexist, I just don't think it's right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he'll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part.

How many guitarists does it take to play Wonderwall?

Apparently, all of them.

My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary?

A play on words.

Why did 50 cent play at half time?

Because it's after 2 quarters.

If you play Nicki Minaj songs backwards you can hear satanic messages.....

even worse, if you play them forwards you can hear Nicki Minaj.

Have you heard about that new Zelda game where you play as Zelda on a quest through underground caves?

Search for the link below.

Why does Willem Dafoe always play villians?

If he played a good guy, he'd be Willem Dafriend.

I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.

The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.

Finally, a blonde joke I haven't heard before…

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

Because I'm the Goalie!

​

**

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

"Because I'm the Goalie!"

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.

I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off…

But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

Why can't the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

My friend keeps trying to annoy me by using bird puns

But I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

Why can't dinosaurs play chess?

Cuz they're all dead.

An excited kid rushes home to tell his dad the good news.

He tells his dad he got a part in the school play. The dad congratulates the son and asks what part he got. Son says I'm playing the part of a man who's been married to the same woman for 25 years. Dad says nice son, just keep at it, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

But I had to quit as it was just one ting after another

Son, why don't you play circus?

"It is great fun. First you make a sawdust ring."

"Where'll I get the sawdust, Dad?"

"Here's the saw. Just saw some of that cordwood into stove lengths. You can have all the sawdust you make."

​

Source: 1913 newspaper

Yo mama is so fat …

She can only play seek.

Sylvia was wheeled into the operating room.

​

The surgeon told the nurse, "Please prepare the instruments."

Sylvia glared at him and said, "Here I am at death's door and you want to play music?!?"

Why do women play with their hair?

Because they don't have balls