Hilarious Plant Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
How do plants feel about paparazzi?
They're photosensitive.
There's an old Italian man
There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.
"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."
The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."
That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.
The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."
A Chinese farmer tells a judge he wants a divorce...
So the judge asks him why. The farmer says, "I'm just a simple farmer, I never went to school, and I don't know very much. But I do know this: when I plant corn, I get corn; when I plant rice, I get rice; now when I plant Chinese boy and black boy comes out, something's wrong."
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
What plant attacks people?
An Ambush ;)
The most heinous crime--against both Man and Nature--would be to plant dynamite inside cattle
That, my friends, would be a-bomb-in-a-bull...
Potato Patch
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred
Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
What happens when a plant is sad?
The other plants have to photosympathize with it
I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order.
People ask me 'Where do you find the time?'
I say 'It's right there next to the sage'
Onions
My friend told me that onions are the only edible plant that can make you cry.
I bludgeoned his head with a watermelon.
You can explore plant soil reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean plant harvest dad jokes. There are also plant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I walked into the nuclear plant operators office...
I walked into the nuclear plant operators office and asked him what to do with the barrels of radioactive waste.
"Bury 'em" he snarled at me,
"No sir, it's actually uranium"
2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the s**...t
when a m**... plant yells out of no where:
"You big dumb dark cow!"
One of the farmer turns to his friend and says
"look at the p**... calling the cattle black"
What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with v**...?
A sorority.
A plant fell on my head...
I'm alright though, it was no big dill.
A man went to water his garden...
He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.
Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.
How do you call a flower on steroids?
A power plant.
Why couldn't the plant escape the jail?
Because his cell had walls.
What do you call a flower that is also a spy?
A plant
What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform?
Send crudes.
What do you call an adequate manufacturing plant?
A satisfactory
Why are plants so skinny?
They usually have a light lunch.
What do you call it when two flowers have a child?
Plant parenthood.
Where do plants go after having s**... for the first time?
Plant Parenthood
Why are plants so thin?
They always eat light.
What kind of plant is the scariest?
bamBOO
Farmer and Son
A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
This year, I can't plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, Papa, don't dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, Now you can plant your potatoes.
A boy in Russia asks his Grandpa...
Grandpa? asked a little boy, Is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Plant?
Yes, it's true, said the grandpa, and patted his grandson's head.
Is it also true that no one was harmed and there were no consequences whatsoever?
Yes, it's true, said the grandpa, and patted the grandson's second head.
James Bond is laid off
James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
You can't plant flowers...
...if you haven't botany.
What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it
Water lily
From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.
A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.
Mom, how did I come to this world?
A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew m**... plant, then smoked some w**... and had s**... on the washing machine...
What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?
Grow a pear.
A little girl asks her mum
A little girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born" Her mother smiled and replied "once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful tiny seed. Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed germinated and grew tall with many leaves until it became a lovely healthy plant. Then we dried it and smoked it and got so high we forgot to use a c**..."
Best Worst Joke Ever: How do you get water into a watermelon?
You plant it...in the spring!
What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?
He photo-sympathizes.
I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?
They're having a hard time moving inventory now.
My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!
I think she's a hoarder-culturist.
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.
Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.
They're explaining how him smoking w**... led to his condition worsening.
But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?
Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?
A water lily.
Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant
o**... goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.
"What are you doing?!" he yells
"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back
"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"
"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear it. I have to get it back though, My teeth are in the pocket!"
(Just a silly joke my granddad told me yesterday. Didnt see it when I searched the sub so figured yall might enjoy)
Why does the army plant saplings every year?
To grow the infant-tree
Why do plants use photosynthesis?
So they can have a light snack
My husband works in a plant nursery and is looking for quality plant jokes to tell his overworked co-workers. Show me what you've got! (I'll start)
Why are plants bad cheerleaders?
Because they're always rooting for themselves.
My neighbor says he is too afraid to plant an apple tree.
I told him, "Grow a pear"!
I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.
It was the best dam job I ever had.
An old farmer writes his son...
An old farmer writes his son (who is in prison) a letter and he tells his son that he won't be planting potatoes this year because there is no way he can dig up the field by himself. His son writes back and tells his his dad that there's no way he can dig up the field cause that's where he hid all the money he stole. Well, the cops read that letter and the next day the cops sure dug up that field good and proper. The same day the cops got to digging, the son writes his dad again telling his dad to go ahead and plant his potatoes and that is the best he can do from in here.
A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"
"Yes, there was"
answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.
"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"
"Yes, absolutely"
answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.
Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?
Idk, it's beyond meat.
What do you call a plant eating Viking?
A Norvegan
Fun guy helping daughter prep for her science test
Last night I pulled a classic dad joke on my daughter. Normally this would make anyone groan but because my daughter is cool like me she loved it.
We were studying for her science vocabulary test. When we came to the word organism
she said:
Any living thing. Like an animal, plant or fungi
I said:
You know people think I'm a fun guy (fungi)
(Pause) she looks at me….
Her:
Oh I get it! then we laugh as she explains the joke I made. She's 9.
Classic… My daughter is going to make a great dad one day…
I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.
I'm living on borrowed thyme.
Mummy, how was I born?
A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**
The mother smiled and replied:
Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.
After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a c**....
Why shouldn't you grow m**... in the ground?
Because it's a p**... plant.
What's a pirates favourite plant?
An arrrrrrtichoke!
The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds
The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis
Letter from prison
A father sends a letter to his son in prison: "I will not be able to plant potatoes this year. The fields have not been plowed yet, because you are not here to help out."
The son wrote back: "It's just as well, because the money I stole was buried in the fields."
The next day, the police are at the farm and dugged up the entire land, looking for the money, but found nothing.
The son writes to his father again: "Dad you can go ahead and plant the potatos now, that's the best I can do for you from here!"
I'm saving up some money to plant bushes for my backyard.
That's…my hedge fund.
My uncle is a plant geneticist...
He's working on making vegetables crispr.
I was at WalMart to buy bird seed...
I was at WalMart to buy bird seed and with a straight face I asked the nice young lady that worked there:
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THE BIRDS TO GROW ONCE I PLANT THESE SEEDS?
