Plans Jokes

Following is our collection of funds puns and nato one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Plans jokes for adults, dirty health plan jokes and clean scheme dad gags for kids.

The Best Plans Puns

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!

Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"


What are we doing for Easter?

Wife: What are our plans for Easter?

Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.

Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.

Husband: What do you mean?

Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

I like how the girl that called me a loser in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like what are your plans for dinner and Your dad and I are going out for dinner there's food in the fridge

Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.


Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.


Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it's feared staff may get a raw deal.

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"

There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He's in love with the shape of u

Donald Trump finally revealed his plans to defeat North Korea

He's buying it and turning it into a Trump brand business


A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.


Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?


Friend: Five.



Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.

Chris Christie is so fat, he plans on walking for president.

A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...

"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.

"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.

"Great! have fun" says the mom

"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.

"Have a ball!" says the mother

"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter

"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother

A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.

The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:

"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"

The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."

The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"

Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs smack into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.

The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"

Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler.

"Hey, is that Hitler?" he asks the bartender.

"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"

The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to Hitler.

"Hello Adolf."

"How are you?" Adolf asks.

"Good, what are you doing?"

Hitler's right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."

"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.

"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.

"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.

Hitler becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.

"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."

--

The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.

The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"

**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."

**Wife**: "What do you mean?"

**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."

**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."

**Husband**: "What do you mean?"

**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"



Husband stayed home all Easter.

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.

i have no idea where this is going


If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans

What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother

"Is it true that babies come out of the same place that boys put their penises?"

The mother, hesitatingly replies "Yes dear" and plans on how to explain sex to her daughter.

The shocked teenager responds "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock out all my teeth"

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

Making plans with a stoner is like having sex with a prostitute...

...They tell you they're coming, but you know it's a lie.

post-graduate plans

My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.

Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation.

Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.

This Hurricane should have been called Snooki...

The're both heading to the Jersey Shore with plans to blow everyone in a 50 mile radius.

I had plans to start researching sinkholes

But they fell through

My protractor wanted to know what my plans were for this weekend

Not sure what his angle is

I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow.

My plans after that? Weight and see.

"Our battle plans look wonderful on the map" said the General...

"It's a pity the enemy doesn't follow them."

Trump and McConnell are in a restaurant

They are discussing their plans to invade Iran. A man walks by their table, intrigued by their conversation and asks them what they are talking about.

Trump explains to the man, We're going to invade Iran and kill 10 million Iranians and one bicycle repairman.

The man exclaims, Why would you kill a bicycle repairman!

Trump turns back to McConnell and tells him, See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Iranians!

Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?

In Watts.

I'll see myself out now.

Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"

The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."

The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them in?"

Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"

"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"

"You know," the other says, gesturing towards the corpse, "because we found Himalayan on the side of the road."

Before EA announced their plans for SW:Battlefront 2, I was pretty sure they were just a greedy company. That now has changed.

Now I am definitely sure they are just a greedy company.

How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans

So we landed a car-sized object on Mars...

...but we have no plans to bring it back. As a matter of fact there's at least 3 of 'em up there. Does this make us the rednecks of the Galaxy; leaving our broken down rovers all over our Solar System?

7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everything.
6. Despite everyone having everything, everyone remained a thief.
7. Despite the universal theft, no one was ever missing anything.

Funeral Plans

When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the sea.

So when my family eats sushi they'll think of me.

What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?

To take a Cruz.

Why is it so easy to trust a hypochondriac?

Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.

Post Grad Plans

When my son graduated high school, he wanted to open up a dispensary, but i wanted him to become a doctor. When it came time to choose I told him: "It's my way, or the highway.

My friend has a foot fetish and his crush asked him out last night

She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends

He decided to come with us and told us you know I wouldn't ditch you, bros before toes!

A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans

Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?

Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!

Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?

Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!

Why didn't the cheese want to get sliced?

Because it had greater plans.

Rudolph the Red

There once was a young Viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife Freydis. Freydis decided to have a walk with her husband, but when she told him of her plans he took one look at the sky grunted and said it was going to rain. Freydis was confused a there were no clouds in the sky. Later on in the day when it was pouring down rain she asked her husband how he knew which he replied with Ruldolph the Red knows rain dear.

Coronavirus is ruining my plans for 2020. But....

I have saved them for 2022, because 2022 is 2020 too.

How do men show that they have long term plans for the future?

They buy 2 packs of beer instead of 1.

I asked my Hindu friend whether he plans to evacuate for Hurricane Florence.

He said, Na-ama-ste.

What website do you go to in order to find the plans to the Death Star?

Wookie Leaks

I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.

But my ex-wife already had plans.

Plans for Easter

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus..

Wife: What do you mean ??

Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

Hitler and his generals are going over his plans for the Jews.

"I'm going to kill 6 million Jews and a clown." One of his generals asks him why a clown. Hitler responds, "See I told you no one cares about the Jews!"

I don't like making plans for the day

Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around the courtroom.

'North Korea plans nuclear attack targeting US'

At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me.

But has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

I started two diet plans today

Because one wasn't enough to fill my appetite.

I wanted to make a nice herby chicken dish for dinner but scratched my plans

I didn't have the thyme for it

What does a Pirate say before he plans on having sex with his wife?

[Can I plunder yer booty?](#s)

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, Nah, Imma stay .

I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining

It's really irrigating.

Moana decides she wants to visit Maui.

Maui, being a super nice guy, prepares a large feast for her arrival, with plans to treat her like a queen. Moana arrives and sees the massive feast, and she says to Maui, "You've done too much for me. I cannot accept these lavish gifts. Why did you do this?"

Maui responds, "What can I say? Accept your welcome!"

Say what you will about Elon Musk

but with his plans to bring people to Mars, no one is a more creative serial killer.

Did you hear about the woman who had to quit her job as an air traffic controller to date a monk?

She got out of the flying plans and into the friar.

Apple scraps a new product...

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.

What are your plans for today?

B: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses

A: And after that?

B: And after that we'll see.

What did the evil fraction say?

You will never stop my plans for world denomination.

I had plans to get together with a buddy of mine who's a clock hobbyist, but he never showed up.

When I asked him where he was he said he was busy binge watching.

Apple just announced new plans for the iPhone 8...

It wont be a physical device, it will be iMaginary!

A man goes to the bank...

and asks for a home-improvement loan.

The loan officer asks him what home improvements he plans to do.

The man responds, "well, I'd like to send my wife on a 6-month vacation."

The loan officer replies, "sir, a vacation for your wife isn't a home improvement."

The man says, "well, have you seen my wife?"

Disney just announced plans for an animated adaptation of Dante's Inferno

They're calling it, "101 Damnations."

Read an article where a girl plans on marrying a tree.

That's so crazy but what if he leaves you.

Bohemia just announced its plans to secede from the Czech Republic.

Is this the real life?

There is an abundance of outline jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 75 funniest jokes and plans puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any schedule witze you can hear about plans.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes