Plans Jokes
120 plans jokes and hilarious plans puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about plans that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Plans Short Jokes
Short plans jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The plans humour may include short plane jokes also.
- LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
- I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn't show up that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
- Girl: What are your plan for today? Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.
Girl: And after that?
Boy: And after that we'll see. - Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work. The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
- Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans... This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
- God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers. But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
- Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter. He plans to buy it.
- What's the worst part about locking your key in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.
- What's the difference between iron man and aluminum man" Iron man stops bad guys. Aluminum man foils their plans.
- Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day." Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
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Plans One Liners
Which plans one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with plans? I can suggest the ones about budget and strategy.
- Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8 In charge of planning Yoda was
- (P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN Ha! I just foiled your plan!
- Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022! Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
- My wife and I have decided we don't want children We plan on telling them after supper
- Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plans? The Jedi Code forbids attachments.
- God initially planned to use wasps to make honey. But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
- I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.
- Yo mama's so fat... ...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.
- Animals: winter is here, we need a plan to survive. Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
- God's plan to use wasps to pollinate didn't work out. So he had to resort to Plan Bee.
- Chris Christie is so fat, he plans on walking for president.
- How does a ghost plan his day? He makes a to-boo list
- My plan tomorrow is to visit my optometrist. After that, we'll see.
- ISIS has a new plan for eliminating Americans. They donate to the NRA.
- A group of midgets were planning to rob a butcher's... But the steaks were just too high.
Laughter Plans Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about plans you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean schedule jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make plans pranks.
Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"
"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."
A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.
The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:
"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"
The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."
The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"
Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs s**... into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.
The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"
Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
Apple scraps a new product...
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.
So we landed a car-sized object on Mars...
...but we have no plans to bring it back. As a matter of fact there's at least 3 of 'em up there. Does this make us the r**... of the Galaxy; leaving our broken down rovers all over our Solar System?
This Hurricane should have been called Snooki...
The're both heading to the jersey shore with plans to blow everyone in a 50 mile radius.
Why is it so easy to trust a hypochondriac?
Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.
Did you hear about the woman who had to quit her job as an air traffic controller to date a monk?
She got out of the flying plans and into the friar.
A man walks into a bar and sees h**......
A man walks into a bar and sees h**....
"Hey, is that h**...?" he asks the bartender.
"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"
The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to h**....
"Hello Adolf."
"How are you?" Adolf asks.
"Good, what are you doing?"
h**...'s right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."
"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.
"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.
"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.
h**... becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.
"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."
--
The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.
h**... and his generals are going over his plans for the Jews.
"I'm going to kill 6 million Jews and a clown." One of his generals asks him why a clown. h**... responds, "See I told you no one cares about the Jews!"
Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?
In Watts.
I'll see myself out now.
This and That are both on summer break.
That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.
i have no idea where this is going
How do men show that they have long term plans for the future?
They buy 2 packs of beer instead of 1.
I had plans to start researching sinkholes
But they fell through
post-graduate plans
My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.
Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation.
Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.
Plans for Easter
Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus..
Wife: What do you mean ??
Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!
If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans
What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj
What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?
To take a Cruz.
"Our battle plans look wonderful on the map" said the General...
"It's a pity the enemy doesn't follow them."
My protractor wanted to know what my plans were for this weekend
Not sure what his angle is
So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...
So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf h**...... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"
Disney just announced plans for an animated adaptation of Dante's Inferno
They're calling it, "101 Damnations."
A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...
"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.
"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.
"Great! have fun" says the mom
"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.
"Have a ball!" says the mother
"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter
"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother
The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.
The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"
A man goes to the bank...
and asks for a home-improvement loan.
The loan officer asks him what home improvements he plans to do.
The man responds, "well, I'd like to send my wife on a 6-month vacation."
The loan officer replies, "sir, a vacation for your wife isn't a home improvement."
The man says, "well, have you seen my wife?"
Making plans with a s**... is like having s**... with a p**......
...They tell you they're coming, but you know it's a lie.
I started two diet plans today
Because one wasn't enough to fill my appetite.
Apple just announced new plans for the iPhone 8...
It wont be a physical device, it will be iMaginary!
"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"
"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."
"Why the two dogs?"
"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me.
But has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
What are we doing for Easter?
Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.
'North Korea plans nuclear attack targeting US'
At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.
What does a Pirate say before he plans on having s**... with his wife?
[Can I plunder yer b**...?](#s)
What website do you go to in order to find the plans to the Death Star?
Wookie Leaks
f**... Plans
When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the sea.
So when my family eats sushi they'll think of me.
A man asks a blonde how many apples
can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".
The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.
Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?
Friend: Five.
Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.
7 Great Wonders of Communism:
1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everything.
6. Despite everyone having everything, everyone remained a thief.
7. Despite the universal theft, no one was ever missing anything.
Say what you will about Elon Musk
but with his plans to bring people to Mars, no one is a more creative serial killer.
Donald Trump finally revealed his plans to defeat North Korea
He's buying it and turning it into a Trump brand business
Moana decides she wants to visit Maui.
Maui, being a super nice guy, prepares a large feast for her arrival, with plans to treat her like a queen. Moana arrives and sees the massive feast, and she says to Maui, "You've done too much for me. I cannot accept these lavish gifts. Why did you do this?"
Maui responds, "What can I say? Accept your welcome!"
Before EA announced their plans for SW:Battlefront 2, I was pretty sure they were just a greedy company. That now has changed.
Now I am definitely sure they are just a greedy company.
Rudolph the Red
There once was a young Viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife Freydis. Freydis decided to have a walk with her husband, but when she told him of her plans he took one look at the sky grunted and said it was going to rain. Freydis was confused a there were no clouds in the sky. Later on in the day when it was pouring down rain she asked her husband how he knew which he replied with Ruldolph the Red knows rain dear.
I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.
But my ex-wife already had plans.
Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day
One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"
The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."
The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them in?"
I like how the girl that called me a loser in high school is now blowing up my phone
She sends me things like what are your plans for dinner and Your dad and I are going out for dinner there's food in the fridge
I had plans to get together with a buddy of mine who's a clock hobbyist, but he never showed up.
When I asked him where he was he said he was busy binge watching.
What did the evil fraction say?
You will never stop my plans for world denomination.
I don't like making plans for the day
Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around the courtroom.
I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining
It's really irrigating.
There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them
He's in love with the shape of u
I asked my Hindu friend whether he plans to evacuate for Hurricane Florence.
He said, Na-ama-ste.
Two h**... are discussing plans for dinner
After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"
"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other h**... scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"
"You know," the other says, gesturing towards the corpse, "because we found Himalayan on the side of the road."
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.
Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.
Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it's feared staff may get a raw deal.
How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials
You FOIL his plans
A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans
Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?
Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!
Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?
Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!
A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.
Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, Nah, Imma stay .
In 1590, John White traveled to Roanoke Island to discover that his entire family, wife and children, had disappeared.
Anyway, just figured out my family vacation plans
Great Easter joke I heard today
**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"
**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."
**Wife**: "What do you mean?"
**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."
**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."
**Husband**: "What do you mean?"
**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"
Husband stayed home all Easter.
In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May
May wants to leave at the end of May.
Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE
There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.
Coronavirus is ruining my plans for 2020. But....
I have saved them for 2022, because 2022 is 2020 too.
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother
"Is it true that babies come out of the same place that boys put their p**...?"
The mother, hesitatingly replies "Yes dear" and plans on how to explain s**... to her daughter.
The shocked teenager responds "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock out all my teeth"
My friend has a f**... and his crush asked him out last night
She told him to meet her on Sunday but he already had plans with me and some friends
He decided to come with us and told us you know I wouldn't ditch you, bros before toes!
I wanted to make a nice herby chicken dish for dinner but scratched my plans
I didn't have the thyme for it
If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...
Reservations about reservations on the reservation.
I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow.
My plans after that? Weight and see.
What are your plans for today?
B: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses
A: And after that?
B: And after that we'll see.
Post Grad Plans
When my son graduated high school, he wanted to open up a dispensary, but i wanted him to become a doctor. When it came time to choose I told him: "It's my way, or the highway.
Why didn't the cheese want to get sliced?
Because it had greater plans.
Trump and McConnell are in a restaurant
They are discussing their plans to invade Iran. A man walks by their table, intrigued by their conversation and asks them what they are talking about.
Trump explains to the man, We're going to invade Iran and kill 10 million Iranians and one bicycle repairman.
The man exclaims, Why would you kill a bicycle repairman!
Trump turns back to McConnell and tells him, See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Iranians!
Gf: what are your plans for today?
Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses
Gf: and after that?
Me: I guess we'll see
The 12 Days of Corona
In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 m**... Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery Store TP
I've been married for 24 years. The wife told me the older I get, the more h**... that I am.
I told her that is not true. I just include her in my plans more often.
My girlfriend asked me why im always so quiet.
Well, no one plans a m**... out loud.
My son is doing a social experiment for school.
He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.
My dad has been very open about his plans for gender reassessment surgery
He's that trans parent
Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced?
It had grater plans
The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes.
I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.
