Plans Jokes

What are some Plans jokes?

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

What are we doing for Easter?

Wife: What are our plans for Easter?

Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.

Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.

Husband: What do you mean?

Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

I like how the girl that called me a loser in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like what are your plans for dinner and Your dad and I are going out for dinner there's food in the fridge

Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.


Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.


Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it's feared staff may get a raw deal.

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"

There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He's in love with the shape of u

Donald Trump finally revealed his plans to defeat North Korea

He's buying it and turning it into a Trump brand business

A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.


Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?


Friend: Five.



Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.

Chris Christie is so fat, he plans on walking for president.

A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...

"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.

"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.

"Great! have fun" says the mom

"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.

"Have a ball!" says the mother

"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter

"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother

A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.

The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:

"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"

The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."

The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"

Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs smack into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.

The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"

Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler.

"Hey, is that Hitler?" he asks the bartender.

"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"

The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to Hitler.

"Hello Adolf."

"How are you?" Adolf asks.

"Good, what are you doing?"

Hitler's right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."

"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.

"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.

"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.

Hitler becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.

"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."

--

The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.

The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"

**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."

**Wife**: "What do you mean?"

**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."

**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."

**Husband**: "What do you mean?"

**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"



Husband stayed home all Easter.

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.

i have no idea where this is going

Banking Crisis in Japan

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

The boss plans a business trip

He calls his secretary, tells her they will go on a business trip for a whole week. The secretary calls her husband, she will be off for a business trip next week. The husband calls his mistress, they can spend the next week together in the absence of the wife. The mistress calls a kid she teaches, there are no studies next week. The kid calls his grandpa (who happens to be the boss planning a business trip), he wants to visit him for the next week.

The boss calls his secretary, the trip is canceled as he will receive a special visit. The secretary calls her husband, the trip is canceled. The husband calls his mistress, the wife has canceled her trip. The mistress calls the kid, they will continue their studies next week. The kid call grandpa, he won't come to visit him.

The boss calls his secretary, the trip is on again...

A young man shows up...

...to pick up a girl, Carrie, for their first date. When he rings the doorbell, Carrie's father answers the door and says, "Carrie is still getting ready, but she'll come downstairs in a few minutes. Why don't you come in and tell me what your plans are for this evening?"

The young man replies, "Well, sir, I guess I just figured we'd go to a soda shop or see a movie or something."

To which the father replies, "Well, those are nice ideas, but you know what Carrie really loves? She loves to screw. Why, she'd screw all night if you let her. Why don't you two do that?"

To which the young man delightedly replies, "Well, yes, that sounds like a great idea!"

Just then Carrie comes down the stairs and the couple leaves.

A few minutes later she bursts back into the house, slams the door and yells, "Dammit Daddy, it's called the twist!"

If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans

What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj

A man is sitting on his porch...

when a young boy walks by, holding a roll of duct tape. The man, slightly amused yet curious, asks the boy what he plans on doing with it.

"I take duck tape down to the lake, and I use it to catch ducks", replies the boy. The man laughs it off, but later the boy returns with his arms full of ducks.

The next day, the man is once again sitting on his porch when the boy comes around again, this time with a roll of chicken wire under his arm. "to catch chickens with", the boy tells the man, who is still a little skeptical, and laughs it off. Sure enough, that night he sees the boy carrying an armload of fat chickens.

The third day, the boy is carrying something, so the man asks what it is.

"They're pussywillows. I use it to..."

The man cuts him off. "I'll get my coat!"

A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.

As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"

The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

Making plans with a stoner is like having sex with a prostitute...

...They tell you they're coming, but you know it's a lie.

post-graduate plans

My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.

Japanese Banking Crisis

Worrying news from the Japanese financial markets. Following last week`s disclosure that the Origami Bank had folded, we hear that the Sumo Bank has just gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song. Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. But Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks.

Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation.

Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.

A guy really loved beans...

...so much that he had to stop eating them because they gave him horrible gas. After a couple of months, he went out to eat and decided to cave in just this one time since he'd been doing so well. He ended up eating 3 bowls of beans before his girlfriend called to make dinner plans. He knew he was going to be gassy, but he figured he could work it out. So that night, he goes over to his girlfriend's house. When he gets there, she tells him that she has a surprise for him but wants to blindfold him. She does, and leads him through the house and to the dining room table. She says she'll be right back, and he hears her leave. After just a few seconds, he gets a familiar rumble in his stomach. The urge to fart is so great, but knowing his girlfriend is not in the room, he leans all the way to one side and lets it rip. Then the smell. He almost gagged himself, it was horrible. He waved his arms trying to dissipate the smell, and it seemed to go away just before his girlfriend came back in. "Ready?" She asked. He nodded, so she took off the blindfold. She yells, "surprise!" All of the other guests just stood there looking horrified.

This Hurricane should have been called Snooki...

The're both heading to the Jersey Shore with plans to blow everyone in a 50 mile radius.

Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3.

A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk. Hitler opens by saying:

"Okay guys, I've got a great idea. I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input. He didn't believe me."

Mussolini responds "believe you about what?"

"Okay this time, the plan is to kill ten million jews and one mexican."

The waitress at this point is intrigued and confused, decides to chime in. "One Mexican? Why do you want to kill the mexican?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says "HA! I told you nobody would care about the jews!

I had plans to start researching sinkholes

But they fell through

An American, a Brit, and a Japanese guy are stranded on a desert Island...

...the American says, "We're great at running the world, so I'll be President of the island." The Brit says, "We do whatever you blokes say, so I'll be Vice President." The American starts drawing out plans to build shelter and explaining them to the Brit. The Japanese guy asks, "Wait, what about me?" "Umm, you can be in charge of supplies."

So the Japanese guy goes off into the jungle and the American and Brit commence building. By the time they finish, the Japanese guy still isn't back. The other two start to get worried, so they decide to go in after them. When they're a good way into the jungle, the Japanese guy jumps out from behind a bush and yells "SUPPLIES!"

My protractor wanted to know what my plans were for this weekend

Not sure what his angle is

Going to the prom

A boy asks the crush of his dreams out to prom, and she said yes! So he plans out a list of to-do before the big dance.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there is a long tux line at the shop, he waits for 20 minutes.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits even longer but eventually gets the flowers. Next he heads out to rent a limo.
Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets a very nice limo.

Lastly he goes to the barber and once again there is a long line but as he sits and waits he is just dreaming how his date will look, and within no time he gets his hair cut.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

"Our battle plans look wonderful on the map" said the General...

"It's a pity the enemy doesn't follow them."

Husband & Wife Diary Entries

Wife's Diary

Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I'd been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.

Conversation over supper wasn't flowing, so I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

Tonight, when he came home from work, he skipped supper altogether, piddled in the garage for two hours, then headed straight for his recliner and sat there quietly staring at the TV. When I asked him about the fire they'd just covered on the news, he said he hadn't followed the story. It had just been on!

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but he was distant and distracted. He didn't even kiss me goodnight -- he just fell asleep. I lay there for hours wondering what was wrong. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know what to do.

Husband's Diary:

Boat still won't start. Can't figure it out.

Bear and rabbit get wishes

Bear and rabbit were just walking through the forest, as a fairy apearred. it granted both 3 wishes.
bears first wish was, to make every bear girl in this forest like only him. the rabbit on the other hand just wanted a very fast harley.
second wish from bear was that every bear girl on the whole planet should only like him. the rabbit wanted a helmet with ear holes.
as for the last wish the bear wanted every bear on earth to be female and to like him.
the rabbit had other plans though. he had put on his helmet, sat on his bike, started the engine and yelled as he was driving away: "I want the bear to be gay!".

Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?

In Watts.

I'll see myself out now.

Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"

The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."

The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them in?"

Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"

"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"

"You know," the other says, gesturing towards the corpse, "because we found Himalayan on the side of the road."

Before EA announced their plans for SW:Battlefront 2, I was pretty sure they were just a greedy company. That now has changed.

Now I am definitely sure they are just a greedy company.

How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans

So we landed a car-sized object on Mars...

...but we have no plans to bring it back. As a matter of fact there's at least 3 of 'em up there. Does this make us the rednecks of the Galaxy; leaving our broken down rovers all over our Solar System?

Japanese bank crises.

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everything.
6. Despite everyone having everything, everyone remained a thief.
7. Despite the universal theft, no one was ever missing anything.

Burial Plans

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried face down, and I know he won't ask for directions."

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....

the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him.

"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"

The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination:

"Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg!"

The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a bombing raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic:

"You vill tell us all of your country's seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine!"

The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. "But please", he adds, "For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid".

"NO!" The German replies, "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"

Funeral Plans

When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the sea.

So when my family eats sushi they'll think of me.

A girl brings her fiance home to meet her father..

... and the father asks him, "so what are your plans in life." The suitor responds, "well, I'm interested in pursuing a degree in theology." The father then asks, "well, what do you plan to do for a living with only a theology degree?" The suitor, without a missed beat responds with "well, god will provide." The father then asks, "where will you two live?!" Again, the suitor responds with, "god will surely provide." Finally the father asks him, "have you made any long term plans at all?" He replies, "no, but as I've stated, I'm sure god will provide." The dinner eventually concludes, and both the daughter and the suitor leave her parents house. When a moment of quiet catches the mother, she softly asks her husband what he thought of the suitor. He pauses for a second, and replies -- "well, he's broke, and fairly stupid, but on the other hand he thinks I'm god."

What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?

To take a Cruz.

A couple with five kids...

A couple with five kids had to be careful when trying to have sexy times. The codenamed it, "doing the laundry." One day the husband was trying to get frisky, but the wife just had too much to do with the kids. Well she thought, he has been working a lot of overtime to pay for christmas and has been attentative to every other need that has come up. She calls her sister and makes plans for her to pick up one of the kids giving her some extra time that day. She walks up behind him and whispers, "I have some time to help you out with that laundry."
"It's ok sweetie, it was a small load, I did it by hand."

Why is it so easy to trust a hypochondriac?

Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.

A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans

Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?

Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!

Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?

Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!

Rudolph the Red

There once was a young Viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife Freydis. Freydis decided to have a walk with her husband, but when she told him of her plans he took one look at the sky grunted and said it was going to rain. Freydis was confused a there were no clouds in the sky. Later on in the day when it was pouring down rain she asked her husband how he knew which he replied with Ruldolph the Red knows rain dear.

How do men show that they have long term plans for the future?

They buy 2 packs of beer instead of 1.

What website do you go to in order to find the plans to the Death Star?

Wookie Leaks

I asked my Hindu friend whether he plans to evacuate for Hurricane Florence.

He said, Na-ama-ste.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

Trump replies: " We're going to kill 14 million muslims and a dentist"

"Huh, why are you killing a dentist?"

Pence taps Trump on the back: "See, I told you no one would ask about the muslims"

Hitler and his generals are going over his plans for the Jews.

"I'm going to kill 6 million Jews and a clown." One of his generals asks him why a clown. Hitler responds, "See I told you no one cares about the Jews!"

I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.

But my ex-wife already had plans.

Plans for Easter

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus..

Wife: What do you mean ??

Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me.

But has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

'North Korea plans nuclear attack targeting US'

At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

I don't like making plans for the day

Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around the courtroom.

I started two diet plans today

Because one wasn't enough to fill my appetite.

A man goes to the doctor for a urine test.

The doctor performs the test and tells him that he has Diabetes. The man doesn't believe this and tells the doctor he wants to retake the test. The doctor complies, but the test results remained the same. The man returns home and plans to confuse the doctor by mixing his urine with that of his wife and daughter and adds some of his car oil. The doctor examines the sample and comes out to tell the man:"Your wife is cheating on you, your daughter is pregnant, your car needs an oil change, and you still have diabetes. "

What does a Pirate say before he plans on having sex with his wife?

[Can I plunder yer booty?](#s)

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

Did you hear about the woman who had to quit her job as an air traffic controller to date a monk?

She got out of the flying plans and into the friar.

Two friends each get a gift from their fathers

One friend gets a gold watch. The other gets a gun.

They trade gifts.

The father of son who traded his gun away is angry. He asks his son if he plans on marrying a beautiful wife. The son replies of course. The father asks his son if he came home to find his wife in bed with another man, wouldn't he be angry? The son replies of course.

The father then asks, "well then son, what will you do with this watch you now have, tell them, 'times up' ?"

Moana decides she wants to visit Maui.

Maui, being a super nice guy, prepares a large feast for her arrival, with plans to treat her like a queen. Moana arrives and sees the massive feast, and she says to Maui, "You've done too much for me. I cannot accept these lavish gifts. Why did you do this?"

Maui responds, "What can I say? Accept your welcome!"

I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining

It's really irrigating.

A man walks into a bar in Germany

He sits down and orders a beer, he is an American on holiday and he is looking around and he sees a guy that looks just like hitler so he goes over to him and says "excuse me but are your Hitler?"

"Ja I am" replys Hitler

The man says: "Well that's amazing you almost took over the world, what have you done since then?"

Hitler responds "Oh a rally here a rally there, you know the normal stuff"

"We'll do you have any plans for a Fourth Reich or anything?" Asks the man

Hitler says "Well I'm going to kill 6 Million Jews, and one clown"

The man looks puzzles and says
"Why the one clown?"

Hitler says "see no one cares about the Jews!"

Apple scraps a new product...

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.

Say what you will about Elon Musk

but with his plans to bring people to Mars, no one is a more creative serial killer.

How to make Plans jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Plans to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Plans? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Plans pick up lines to share with friends.

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