Planning Officer Jokes

A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

I went to the US Embassy for a visa interview in Bangalore.

Officer: Where to in the US?
Me: San Jose
Officer: It's pronounced as "San Hosey". J is pronounced as H in the US
Me: Oh okay
Officer: So how long do you plan to be in the US?
Me: 7 months, from Hanuary to Huly

An average American voter walks into a bar ...

... and sees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton huddled together at the end of the bar, whispering to one another. Intrigued, the voter approaches the pair and asks them what they are doing.
"We're planning the 2016 election," brags Trump.
"What's going to be different about it this year?" the voter asks.
"Well," Clinton replies, "We're going to rig the vote count and put me in office, as well as delete a few of my emails."
"What's so important about these emails that they've got to be deleted?" inquires the voter, eyeing the two suspiciously.
"See!" Clinton exclaims, turning towards Trump, "I told you no one would care if we rigged the election."

Going to the prom

A boy asks the crush of his dreams out to prom, and she said yes! So he plans out a list of to-do before the big dance.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there is a long tux line at the shop, he waits for 20 minutes.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits even longer but eventually gets the flowers. Next he heads out to rent a limo.
Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets a very nice limo.
Lastly he goes to the barber and once again there is a long line but as he sits and waits he is just dreaming how his date will look, and within no time he gets his hair cut.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

So the Germans were having a hard time against the entrenches Italians in WW1

Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive".
A German soldier called out, "Hey, Luigi!".
An Italian soldier stuck his head out and replied, "Ya?"
BANG!
This went on for a while.
"Hey, Luigi!"
"Ya?"
BANG!
It wasn't too long until the Italians figured out what was going on. One of their officers came up with an idea. He said that a lot of Germans were named Hans, and all they had to do was call out "Hey, Hans!" and they'd be shooting Germans, too. It seemed like a good plan so first thing next morning they tried it out.
"Hey, Hans!"
"That you, Luigi?"
"Ya!"
BANG!

Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation until much later.
When he finally arrives, he asks the front desk for his room but, unfortunately, no rooms are available.
Struck by this, Aristotle asks Socrates if he wouldn't mind sharing a room with him but Socrates slams the door in his face.
He goes over to Kant's room and pleads with him but Kant also slams the door in face.
Aristotle decides to change his plan. He walks to Descartes' room and tells him "Descartes, there has been a terrible mistake. The front desk has given you my room and has lost your reservation." Descartes, angered by this, replies "I think not!"
And then Aristotle got a room.

Japanese bank crises.

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

A police officer on patrol is flagged down by a guy on foot.

The guy slowly walks up to the patrol car and says, "Offisher, I wish to report a stolen aut... auto... automobile."
"You say your car's been stolen?"
"Yesh, orficer, that is corr.. correc... right."
"Sir, have you been drinking tonight?"
"A little bit."
"Then you shouldn't be driving, sir."
"I have no inten... inten... plans to drive. But my car has been stolen."
"Maybe you just forgot where you left it."
"Imposh... imposh... no. I know right where it was."
"Where was that?"
"Right here on the end of this key."
"Seriously? OK, sir. I'll take you to the station and we can fill out a report. Before we do, I have to tell you that you're unzipped and you're exposing yourself. You're going to need to tuck it away and zip up"
The guy looks down and says, "Oh my god, they got my girl, too!"

A man gets pulled over for speeding

The cop comes over to the window and asks the man, "What's the rush?"
"Well, you see I a body in the trunk and I wanna bury it ASAP before it stinks up the place," Answers the man.
The cop confused, "Why is there a body in the trunk?"
"Well, I wanted to buy 3 kilos of h**... and the other guy wanted to screw me so I shot him," The man calmly replied.
"So there's a dead, 3 kilos of h**..., and a gun in your trunk?!!??!" The cop nervously asks.
"Yeah, and also a bunch of C4. I'm planning to blow up the White House." The man continued.
The cop, frightened, called for back and returned to his vehicle. As the back up arrived the police chief decided to talk to the man in the car again.
"So what's in the trunk?" Asked the chief.
"Nothing just a spare tire."
The chief checks the trunk and sees nothing but a spare tire.
"Ok, where is the bomb, weapons, dead body and drugs?"
"I have no such things." The man answered and seemed very consumed.
"Well, the officer told me you had all these things in your trunk."
The man looks him in the eye and says, "Yeah, he probably said I was speeding too,"

Consequences of taking off early from work

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead who all worked in the same office. Every Friday, their boss would leave the office early to go home. One day the brunette says, "You know, we should leave early too when our boss leaves next friday!" The other two eagerly agree and set a plan in motion.
Next Friday, after their boss leaves work early, the three leave work early too. The Brunette goes to a restaurant to have an early dinner. The redhead goes to a bar. And the blonde goes home. Upon walking through the door, the blonde hears noises coming from the bedroom she shares with her husband. She walks to the door and peeks inside to find her boss and her husband having s**.... She closes the door, gets back in her car, and goes back to work, only to return home at her usual time. On Monday, the three friends get together to discuss their Friday adventures. The Brunette and the Redhead agree that they want to do it every Friday that their boss leaves.
The Blonde says, "No way! I almost got caught!"

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....

the k**... have him t**... and they're interrogating him.
"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"
The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next b**... raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination:
"Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg!"
The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a b**... raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic:
"You vill tell us all of your country's seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine!"
The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. "But please", he adds, "For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid".
"NO!" The German replies, "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"

Oprah Winfrey goes to the doctor for a physical...

...she walks into the doctor's office and sits down on the waiting table. The doctor comes in and says,
"Welcome back Oprah! First, I need you to take your clothes off."
She takes off her clothes and sits back down on the table. The doctor then says,
"Now I'm going to need you to stand over there in the corner."
Oprah gets up and stands in the corner and looks at the doctor. The Doctor takes a long look of inspection and says,
"Hmmmm. Now I would like you to stand over there on the other side of the room."
Oprah does what he says and, again, waits for his instruction. The doctor then replies,
"Hmmm. Can you please go back to the original corner and stand there again?"
Oprah, growing curious asks,
"Doctor, why are you having me stand n**... in different corners of the room?"
To which the doctor replies,
"I plan on purchasing a leather sofa and want to see how it will look in this room."

1916 in France

The germans and the french sat in their trenches. The german army suffered from great losses, so the german general had to come up with a plan. Because he couldn't find a solution for their problems he decided to ask his soldiers. Only one had an idea.
'We should find out the most common french name, shout it over no mans land and kill whoever is s**... enough to react to it.'
Since it was the only idea, the german general gave the order to find the most common french name and use this information to kill as many french soldiers as possible. One of his officers discovered that the most common french name was Pierre.
The germans tried this tactic and, surprisingly, many french soldiers were s**... enough to stick their head out of the trench when they heard their name.
Over the next couple of weeks the french lost uncounted men to the german tactic so they decided to copy it. They assumed the most common german name must be Hans. Their first attempt to try this tactic went as followed:
French soldier: 'Hans!'
No reaction
French soldier: 'Hey, Hans!'
German soldier: 'Hans is away!'
French soldier: 'Where is he?'
German soldier: 'Shitting! Is that you, Pierre?'
And the french soldier stuck his head out of the trench

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies,
GS-1.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin.
Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.
Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.

A lawyer has just settled down in his new office.

So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients.
After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office.
Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action.
So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."
He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?"
"Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor’s office.

“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
“Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever.
“Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to s**... the pill!

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
“Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one.
“You didn’t really do that, did you?”
“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked,
“Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”