planned Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious planned puns

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

👍🏼

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

👍🏼

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

👍🏼

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

👍🏼

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

👍🏼

Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

👍🏼

I inherited some land recently and managed to buy 100 donkeys for £100...

...I planned on selling them one by one for a profit, but overnight some sick guy broke into my farm and cut all the donkeys tails off! Now I'm left with 100 donkeys with no tails, so I'm going to have to wholesale them!


(ask me why I have to wholesale them...)


Well I can't retail them can I?!

👍🏼

During a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, Little Suzie responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

Then the teacher picked little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully

Then it was little Johnny's turn, "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and my father replied, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

👍🏼

Someone asked Trump how he planned to build the wall

he said "On the day I got elected 60 million people shit a brick and Mexico agreed to pay for the mortar"

👍🏼

I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

👍🏼

Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel.

When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

👍🏼

Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.

Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.

Teacher: Well unlike your birthday, this test was planned ahead of time.

👍🏼

President Donald Trump said that by 2050 US forces intend to attack the Sun if it does not stop nuclear reactions.

the attack is planned at night or they will just fly from the dark side.

👍🏼

"I've been eating moms for 18 years"

My cousin made a mistake telling this joke last night while out to eat with a bunch of family.
Cousin: "this food is terrible. It tastes like ass"
Uncle: "HA, how do you know what ass tastes like?"
He planned on saying something like "I've been eating moms cooking for 18 years"
BUT
what came out was "I've been eating moms for 18 years"

👍🏼

Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!

👍🏼

A Well-Planned Life?

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
She answered:
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

👍🏼

Beautiful

A teacher asks her class for a sentence with the word "beautiful" in it twice. First, she calls on little Suzy, who responds with, "my father bought my mom a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzy," replies the teacher. She then calls on little Mikey. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he says. "Excellent, Mikey!" says the teacher, who then calls on little Johnny. Little Johnny says, "Last night my sister told my father that she was pregnant and he said, "Beautiful, fucking beautiful'!"

👍🏼

I make conversation like I play chess....

Plan 3 moves ahead then freak out when the other person doesn't do what I planned for.

👍🏼

Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method.

But Han shot first.

👍🏼

A Coca Cola salesman returns from his Middle East assignment...

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

👍🏼

A man had three balls

A man had three testicles. Everyday he thought about going to the doctor, but was worried about his condition reaching the news.

Later, he finally made up his mind and went to the doctor, but planned to tell him indirectly. When he went there, he told the doctor:

"My amount of balls plus yours equals five"

The doctor was horrified and said:

"You only have one testicle!"

👍🏼

It always shocks me when people say republicans are anti-communists

With trying to make abortions illegal, get rid of birth control, defund planned parenthood, those all are textbook examples of seizing the means of reproduction.

👍🏼

My son came out to me yesterday. I'm so disappointed.

I love my son, but this is tearing me up inside. I always thought I would be able to handle something like this, but this really is tough. It impacts so much of our relationship and family time. I mean, I had planned this big family dinner Sunday evening. (I smoked an awesome roast pork, I was so excited.) But I had to cancel it because of his choice. And it IS a choice. I don't know what to do at this point. Seriously, how have any of you handled your child going vegan?

👍🏼

Ask Jeeves

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

👍🏼

An airplane is flying over the Atlantic when suddenly...

One out of four engines explodes. The pilot says over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we lost one out of four engines. This is no cause for panic, as we still have three engines that work fine. However, instead of the two hour flight we planned, it will take us three hours. Thank you for your patience."

All seems fine until an hour later, when another loud explosion sounds. The pilot once again comes over the intercom and says, "Hey there, folks. No need to be alarmed; we lost another engine, but rest assured this airplane is still perfectly safe. Unfortunately this makes our delay an hour longer. Thank you four your cooperation."

Another hour goes by without incident, when there is another explosion. "This is your Pilot once again...we lost our third of four engines, but don't worry at all, we are still in good shape. I am sorry to inform you that we will once again be delayed and it will take us five hours to get to our destination. We apologize and thank you for flying with us."

One passenger turns to the next and says, "At this rate we'll be up here forever!"

👍🏼

A passenger airliner just landed at Glasgow airport...

...and after coming to a halt, the Pilot does his customary speech, but forgets to switch the intercom off.

The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the Pilot replies, "First up I am going for a shite and then I am gonnae ride the arse off that new wee stewardess" , unaware every passenger has just heard him.

The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door. A wee Glasgow women helps her up and says, "Take yer time love, he`s going fur a shite first"

👍🏼

Breaking up with your significant other is like bowling

You carry something heavy going into it, and if it goes as planned, you walk away with an X.

👍🏼

Once I summoned the Devil to grant my every wish.

The Devil appeared in my summoning circle, pitchfork in hand, horns on his head and a smirk on his face. 'Alright, mortal, I'll grant you three, but no more 'til the usual fee!'

As planned, I immediately shouted, 'I wish for 900 more!'

'No can do, unless you're willing to cough up!'

I thought for a moment, then said, 'Fine, here goes. I wish you would take your fork off its handle.'

The Devil, bemused, complied. 'OK. What will your second wish be?'

'Now, I wish you would shove the handle as far up your ass as possible.'

You can guess what kind of reaction that command aroused, though he had no choice but to obey and push it up about 11 inches.

'And WHAT... will be your THIRD wish?!' he shrieked in pain and rage, eyes gushing.

Now it was my turn to smirk as I said, 'Good, now grant me 900 more or I'll wish the fork back on!'

Moral of the story? If you want anything out of management in a timely fashion, give them a hard jab in the ass.

👍🏼

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

I had De Gaulle to post this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

👍🏼

Two blind pilots

Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...

Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their seats. The pilots went into the cockpit and shut the door behind them. The engines started up, and everything seemed to be going as planned, so the passengers went back to their magazines and forgot about the two blind pilots in the cockpit.

As the plane roared down the runway getting closer and closer to the water at the end, the passengers quickly became worried and started to scream and yell out. With that, the plane lifted smoothly off the ground and into the air. The passengers again went back to their magazines and in the cockpit, the pilot says to the co-pilot: "One day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"

👍🏼

Our local planned parenthood refuses to provide homeless women with abortions.

They say beggars can't be choosers.

👍🏼

Russian Elections

Ministry of Russian election announcement: Elections of Vladimir Putin will commence as planned in 2018.

👍🏼

Jesus is setting up for supper and he calls Judas

over to help. "Judas, please set the table. " Judas complies and sets the table. "Judas, put the food on the table." Judas places the food on the table. "Judas, please call everyone to the table. " Again, he does as he is told and gathers everyone.

As they are enjoying the feast Jesus planned and had Judas serve, Jesus gets really serious and says," This will be my last supper with you." He pauses and continues, " One of you will betray me."
At which point Judas throws his hands up in a huff," Why do I have to do everything around here?!"

👍🏼

John

After a long day at work this woman was on her way home on the train and closed her eyes to rest. After departing the station a male that was sitting next to her took his cellphone out and started a conversation with a rather loud voice.
"Hello sweetheart, John here, i am in the train. Yes i know its the 6:30 train and not the 4:30 train but the meeting took longer then planned. No dear, not with the blond of finance, this was with my manager. No babydoll, you are the only one in my life! Yes really, i swear!"

The woman next to him was growing more and more tired of his loud conversation and after 15 minutes she just had enough.

She leaned over to him and with her face close to his phone she whispered:

"Come John, put the phone down and come back to bed."

👍🏼

A coke seller

The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a problem I didn't know Arabic.

So I planned to convey this message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert. Second the man drinker cola and third man is totally refreshed. Then these posters were hanged everywhere there."

"That should have worked."said the friend.

He replied," well I didn't know Arabic neither realized that Arabs read from right to left...."

👍🏼

What are the most funny Planned jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Planned? Well, here are the best Planned dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Planned pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes