Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,
'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply,
'Can I feel your tits, then?'
They just wash up on shore afterward.
We were too poor for a dog.
We couldn't afford a dog
We couldn't afford a dog.
Courtesy of Gary Delaney
So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.
And beat her to death.
Two Australian construction workers, Pete and Mick, and working on the top floor a high rise building. Pete says to Mick - "I need to take a piss, but there's no dunny up here". Mick suggests that they extend a plank out over the side of the building, supported by Micks weight and that Pete walk out onto the plank to take a leak. They proceed with Micks plan, but mid piss the lunch bell rings. Mick, forgets his role in the plan and walks off to get lunch leaving the plank unsupported and Pete plummets to his death.
Months later, theres a Frenchman, an American and an Aussie sitting in a bar telling tall stories about just how far their countrymen go to get pussy. The Frenchmn tells his story. The American tells his. But the Aussie says - "thats nothing, a few months ago I was walking down the street following some ladies when this Aussie comes roaring out the sky with his dick in has hand screaming CUUUUUUNNT!!!!!!"
So Long John Silver's was looking for a mascot to sell their fish on T.V and they were looking for a pirate.
So the first audition walks in and he is the perfect pirate! Peg leg, eye patch and hook for a hand, the perfect pirate look.
The interviewer talks to him for a little bit and finally decides to ask how he lost his leg.
The pirate says, "I had to walk the plank, and a shark came and took me leg!"
Next the interviewer asks about his hook
The pirate says, "some scalawag took it from me in a sword fight!"
Finally he asks about his eye patch
Pirate says, "we'll I was on the poop deck and saw a seagull fly over head and poop right in my eye!"
The interviewer says"that can't possibly have taken your whole eye out!"
The pirate replies sadly, "No, but it was the first day with me new hook..."
A small plank of wood goes to Watch a baseball game. For the first few innings, the plank is super into it. But by the seventh inning, its interest starts to fade.
A man nearby notices the fading enjoyment and starts up a conversation.
"Hey man, how you liking the game?" He asks.
"I really like it. I think it's pretty cool" the small plank replies.
"Really," says the man, "cuz it seems to me like you're a little board."
Well, he couldn't afford a dog.
Being curious, the bartender walks over to the old man and asks, Hey pal, why the long face?
The old man looks at him and points out the window, See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No,no."
The old man continued, And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for going on thirty-five years! but do they call me Simon the fisherman?
No...
No...
But you fuck ONE goat...
I told him, It's just a plank, bro.
It's just a plank.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
They were given a plank with two nails; one hammered half way and one hammered all the way. There were asked to remove the nails from the plank.
The engineer didn't think much of it, grabbed pliers and quickly took both nails out.
The mathematician after some thought said:
"The case with nail hammered all the way in is more interesting, so I'm going to start with it"
After long battle he managed to use a lever and get the nail out.
"Ok, the second case we can easily reduce to already solved one"
...and then he hammered the remaining nail all the way in.
One night the old soldier gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose and down his throat, wires monitoring every function all around his head, with a hell of a pain over his left ear and a drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steadily into his eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
Soldiers never die... they just fade away!
Welcome a Board!
(Inspired by a comment I left on another post, though I'm confident it's been posted many times before)
The plank!
A young man was walking through the Irish countryside when he saw a bar and decided to go in and have a beer.
He got in and sat down next to an old man and ordered a beer.
The old man turns to him and says, "Son, do you know who I am?"
The young man says, "No, who are you?"
"My name is Mick McFinnigan, and you did you see that windmill on the way into the bar? I built that with my own two hands, stone by stone over 3 years all by myself. But no one calls me McFinnigan the Windmill Builder.
I also built that deck by the water, plank by plank, 1 year. But they don't call me McFinnigan the Deck Builder.
I also built the Lighthouse that everyone uses to make sure they aren't lost coming into shore, that one took me 4 years. They don't call me McFinnigan the Lighthouse Man. But you fuck ONE goat....
A man was walking along, when he came upon a a property with a plank fence surrounding it. He hears people inside chanting the number seven over and over again. He doesn't know much about this property, except that a cult meets there, he can't see through the fence, and he's always been curious about it. When he hears "Seven!" "Seven!" "Seven!" he can't help himself, he peeks through a hole in one of the planks. Someone promptly pokes him in the eye with a stick. They begin chanting "Eight!" "Eight!" "Eight!"
And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"
"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"
He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"
And I say "Well... it's Swedish."
So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the plank and I shout "Don't you think you're going a little overboard?!" And the pirate says, "No, *you* are!"
Before I jump, I ask him, "Can I just have one last mug of rootbeer?" And he says, "That would be fine." So I take the mug and jump... and you know? I would've drowned if it weren't for one thing...
>Rootbeer floats!<
Two workers were busy in a construction work of a multi-storeyed building. One of them (Worker A) was standing on a plank outside the 5th floor, while the other (Worker B) was watching him from the ground. Suddenly Worker A realised that he didn't have the hammer. So he shouts to worker B.
Worker A: "I need a hammer."
No response from Worker B. Realising that Worker B couldn't hear him, Worker A started making hand gesture.
Worker A's gesture: Points finger at himself (I), then taps his 'knee' with his hand (need) and then shook his hand to represent a hammer.
After watching him, Worker B unzipped his pant, took out his prick and starts masturbating. Worker A got furious, he gets inside the building and goes downstair to yell at Worker B.
Worker A: "Wtf are you doing? All I was saying that I need a hammer."
Worker B: "I know what you mean. And I was saying that I am coming."
The guy he buys it from says
"we printed out the deed but didn't have paper so we printed it on this plank of wood, will that be okay?"
"That wooden deed"
and the captain has a parrot. Every time the magician does a trick the parrot squawks out the secret "Raawwwt he hid it in his sleeve" or "He's hidden behind the mirror. He's hidden behind the mirror Raaaaawttt!" thus always ruining the illusion.
One day the ship sinks and the magician finds himself stuck on a plank floating in the ocean. To his surprise the parrot lands next to him and stares at him for 3 straight days.
It finally says "I give. What'd you do with the boat"?
We couldnt afford a dog.
'Cause he'll just wash up on shore later.
Its the Max Plank institute
He wasn't on board with it.
...a plank-ton!
We couldn't afford a dog...
...a man in a bush?
Russel!
...a man in a lake?
Bob!
...a man with a car on his head?
Jack!
...a man with a spade in his head?
Doug!
...a man without a spade in his head?
Douglas!
...a man with a toilet on his head?
Lou!
...a man with a map on his head?
Miles!
...a man hooked to the wall?
Art!
...a woman slates on her head?
Ruth!
...a man with a plank on his head?
Edward!
...a man with TWO planks on his head?
Edward Wood!
...a man with THREE planks on his head?
Edward Woodward!
...a man with FOUR planks on his head?
I don't know, but Edward Woodward would. (try saying that ten times in a row)
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.
I was made to walk the plank
My family couldn't afford a dog.
Ed-wood
Because, he kept putting his captain's stool on the poop deck.
He asked "why?"
I said "Cuz you're a piece of ship"
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Plank? Well, here are the best Plank dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Plank pick up lines to share with friends.