Plane Jokes
174 plane jokes and hilarious plane puns to laugh out loud. Read vehicle jokes about plane that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Whether you're looking for some light-hearted humor to brighten up your day, or an aviation-themed joke to share with your friends, these plane jokes are sure to have you in stitches. From dark jokes about turbulence and coordinates to questions about paper airplanes and Boeing, these plane jokes will have you laughing in no time!
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Funniest Plane Short Jokes
Short plane jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The plane humour may include short flight jokes also.
- A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico. Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
- If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day… If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life
- A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, HIJACK! All passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, HI JOHN! - Worst Geometry Joke I Know When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides?
When it is intercepted by a plane. - My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
- I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
- On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class. On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.
- Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians... They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.
- Great news! I got the whole plane to myself! The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.
- I thought opening a door for a woman was polite But she just screamed and flew out of the plane
Share These Plane Jokes With Friends
Plane One Liners
Which plane one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with plane? I can suggest the ones about orbit and train.
- How does a Flat Earther travel the world? on a plane
- science builds planes and skyscrapers but faith brings them together.
- When does a pentagon not have 5 sides? When it's intersected by a plane
- I would never get on a plane with Ben Shapiro He would try to destroy the left wing.
- What do you call a flying nun? A bird? A plane?
Nope, nun of the above - Two wrongs don't make a right... ...but two Wrights made a plane
- What do you call a plane that flies backwards? A receding airline.
- How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon? Intersect it with a plane.
- When is a pentagon not a pentagon? When it's intercepted by a separate plane.
- I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.
- What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground? Boeing
- I spent months inventing a wingless plane sadly the idea never took off.
- 3.14% of People in Planes... ...are πlots.
- I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today. All I did was greet my friend Jack.
- Why do you never see a pregnant plane? They always go to the hanger.
Plane Crash Jokes
Here is a list of funny plane crash jokes and even better plane crash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive? American comedy films.
- Plane crashed in graveyard Police recovered 2000 bodies.
- Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the trampoline factory? Witnesses heard a loud Boeing!
- Fun WWI fact: There are more crashed planes down at the bottom of the ocean than- -crashed submarines in the sky.
- I hate jokes about airline crashes They're just plane awful.
- Did you hear about the plane that crashed on the way to the ginger convention? Thankfully there were no souls on board.
- Did anyone else witness that jet crashing into the ocean? It was plane to sea.
- What did the neckbeard say to the crashed plane? M'laysian
- So, there's a plane... So there's a plane. The plane crashes, and every single person dies. However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible?
He wasn't single. - Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane onto his brothers scrap metal yard.
Plane Landed Jokes
Here is a list of funny plane landed jokes and even better plane landed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the Flat Earther who went skydiving? He landed on a plane.
- What did Daddy Plane say to his Son when he refused to land? I don't appreciate your altitude right now,
- Grandmother's in a better place now... Her plane landed in Spain half an hour ago.
- 9/11 jokes are like the planes, They don't land
- A German man is leaving a plane after landing in Poland. The immigration officer asks him
"Occupation?" And the German man replies
"No just visiting" - What do bad jokes have in common with the planes on 9/11? They don't stick the landing.
- I took a photo while my plane was landing and got arrested... Apparently, its in-descent exposure.
- If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground? Boeing
- Did you hear about the Russian plane that had to land in the middle of a corn crop? Don't worry, that pilot is the best in the field.
- Say what you will about terrorism in Europe At least our planes take off and land at an airport.
Passenger Plane Jokes
Here is a list of funny passenger plane jokes and even better passenger plane puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I went to the toilet, I left the door open so I could keep watching the movie. The other passengers on the plane were slightly irritated.
- Why did the crew of a Southwest flight turn off the No Smoking sign? They figured that if the plane is smoking, the passengers might as well, too.
- Ahmad, Bilal and Hamza, the flight attendants, helped the passengers out of the plane. 10 minutes later, the plane landed.
- A passenger flying the Dutch Airline KLM asked the Captain : "Captain, what do you think is hard, flying a plane or ruling a country?"
"Well that question's so easy I'll let my copilot answer it!" - Firm landings... Pilot: "Daang, I really planted that one!"
Passenger: "Oh, yaa?"
Pilot: "Yah! I bet another plane will grow there!" - How do you know the passengers of the missing plane are alive? A new season of lost is out now!
- What do you call a passenger that rides on top of the plane? A strap-on!
Air Plane Jokes
Here is a list of funny air plane jokes and even better air plane puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A plane full of Japanese car parts just exploded in mid-air Apparently it's raining Datsun cogs
- Did you know that there are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the air? I mean... it's plane to sea.
- Life has 3 levels of existence... Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.
- After a plane lands, a man asks the flight attendant. "Is it chilly outside?"
"No sir, I'm afraid we are in Buenos Aires." - When I was in the air force, I put down over a dozen planes in air \-You were a fighting pilot?
\-No, I was a mechanic. - My buddy just became an Air Marshal. He's a plane clothes cop.
- I hate flying air Iberia After all.. the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane.
- A German airman on the air forces during WW2 If you see a white plane, it's American; if it's black it's RAF (Royal Air Force). If you see no planes at all, that's the Luftwaffe.
- I was looking for the best price for a flight from the UK to the US and found Air India is the cheapest.. Problem is i'm not sure if I can hold on to the outside of the plane for that long.
- Why was the whole flight being recorded? The plane was on-air
Hilarious Fun Plane Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about plane you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean plate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make plane pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two r**... survived the
c**....
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane c**.... Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.
They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...
The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
Plane Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So people are loading into an airplane
And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off s**... is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the s**.... A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the s**.... The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."
Flying Blind
A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.
The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."
The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"
The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"
Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."
So a kid gets on a plane for the first time
and he is really excited about it. He is sitting inside the plane mid-flight when he finds out the plane's a Boeing. So he starts saying "Boeing.. Boeing.. Boeing.."
After a while when he doesn't stop the passengers start getting irritated, and the hostess comes along and tells the boy "Be Silent". So the boy starts "Oeing.. Oeing.. Oeing.. "
Fighter jock and the cargo pilot
A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.
The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.
"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceeds to do loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, corkscrews, and all manner of fast paced aerial acrobatics.
"Very impressive," responds the cargo pilot. "But that's nothing, watch this." For a half hour the large craft simply plods along straight as an arrow, not even so much as dipping the wings.
After a while, the cargo pilot comes back on the radio and says "So, what'd you think?"
Jock: "What d'you mean? You didn't do anything. You just flew straight for a while."
Cargo: "Oh no, that wasn't all. I got up, stretched my legs, got some coffee, went to the bathroom..."
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
Blind pilots
A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.
All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:
Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"
Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"
The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.
Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
Italian: "Once"
Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"
Italian: "Don't stop"
I have a kid in africa
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)
A man was on a plane...
A man was on a plane when a stewardess approached him and said "Would you like some headphones?" To which the man replied "Yes I would, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
May I have a piece of gum?
Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota
Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."
Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land."
As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short."
Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?"
But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna c**...!"
Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it."
So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!"
Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"
Getting on a plane . . .
. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"
A bearded guy
A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I'm making a TV series about a plane h**.....
We've just shot the pilot.
I thought of this joke this morning in the shower
A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"
Henry Winkler on a plane
Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"
He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."
Literary position.
Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."
I got arrested at the airport last week.
Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Harrison ford c**... his plane?
because he was flying solo and went look no hans...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane c**....
It was the left wing.
A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.
There are 500 bricks on a plane...
- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
- Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick
Stewardess
Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you were arrested for m**... on a plane...
....they would have to charge you with hi-jacking
I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...
But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.
Justin Bieber has been kidnapped!
They want $100 million and a charter plane to Mexico or else they will release him.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any helicopter flavored chips?"
The Bartender says "No, we only have plane"
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.
A woman has a heart attack in a plane.
The stewardess asks "Is there a doctor on board?".
A person comes forward and announces "I'm a vegan."
How do you put an elephant in a fridge joke
A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?
A brick falls from the sky and kills her.
Knock knock Who's there?
Not Mary
So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.
"Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"
Two pilots are landing a plane.
Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.
When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do not fap on a plane..
Unless you enjoy h**...
Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane.
I'm on a plane and I see my friend Jack.
Instinctively I say, "Hi Jack!"
Still don't understand why I was detained.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a priest...
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was getting off an airplane, when I passed a little boy who was waving and saying "Bye, plane!"...
"No, this isn't a biplane." I said, as the kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look.
I went on, "You can't tell its s**... preference based just on how it looks."
I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess
That's how i lost my job as a pilot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the soviet plane c**...?
It was stalin
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mathematician is afraid of flying
A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a t**... attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A k**... passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.
"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."
Wanna hear a physics pun?
If an aircraft always takes off at an angle, doesn't that make it an inclined plane?
Flight back home
Guy was boarding a plane to go back home from a business trip.
As he was boarding another passenger asks him: "our flight looks full what do you think they will do??"
The Asian man flying back home says "beats me"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man tried smuggling sausage and v**... out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.
The whole event was pretty terrible.
It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.
A man walks into a bar, and sees King Kong having a drink...
Now, the man loves all of Kong's films, so he decides to walk up to him. He says, "wow! King Kong! I'm such a big fan. Sorry to bother you, but do you have time for a photo? "
King Kong suddenly looks up, checks his watch.
He turns to the man and says "sorry, I've a plane to catch".
On the plane
A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:
-What's your name?
-Angela Benz, sir.
-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?
-Yes, sir. A very close one.
-How close?
-Same price.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed...
You must suffer from p**... evacuation.
The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -
The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.
S. W.
I quit my job drilling ventilation holes in jet engines...
...it was just plane boring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called a s**... hotline in saudi arabia
they got excited and asked me if i could fly a plane
I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?
