Howlingly Hilarious Plan Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
Plane Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?"
I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"
Lawyers and Engineers
Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"
h**... and Stalin walk together in the afterlife
... they stop next two people and h**... tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.
one of the two people hear this and asks h**... "Why kill the mechanic?"
h**... turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"
Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all t**... in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!
Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
Getting on a plane . . .
. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"
I was walking around town the other day...
I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two j**...-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"
Anyways, they arrested me.
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...
To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant...
But then I changed my mind.
God's plan to use wasps to pollinate didn't work out.
So he had to resort to Plan Bee.
You can explore plan plot reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean plan health plan dad jokes. There are also plan puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A plane was going down....
A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to c**... in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"
A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.
So I saw these two guys walking down the street...
So I saw these two guys walking down the street, wearing the exact same outfit, I mean right down to the belt. So I yelled at them,
"Hey faggots, did you plan those outfits or what?"
Yeah they arrested me.
My blonde gf thinks...
My blonde gf thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.
Yo mama's so fat...
...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.
For our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to Hawaii...
...and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.
A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.
The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."
Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
Did you know there are more planes in the ocean..
Than submarines in the sky?
Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.
The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
I was on this plane once...
Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.
The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a b**... and a cup of coffee".
The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.
A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".
I'm on a plane and I see my friend Jack.
Instinctively I say, "Hi Jack!"
Still don't understand why I was detained.
What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?
One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.
Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
A plane is about to c**...
A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."
My wife doesn't know it,
but every time we have s**... I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
So far she's getting a McChicken
What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?
He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.
Why are plants so skinny?
They usually have a light lunch.
Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
As an airplane is about to c**..., a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
On the plane
A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:
-What's your name?
-Angela Benz, sir.
-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?
-Yes, sir. A very close one.
-How close?
-Same price.
Why are plants so thin?
They always eat light.
Two scientists walk into a restaurant
The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his m**... plan had failed.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
Women are discussing their s**... life.
- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.
A Soviet newspaper announces:
"Last night, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."
"...in four microseconds."
Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.
It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.
A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.
Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"
I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.
All I did was greet my friend Jack.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.
It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them
He's in love with the shape of u
I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.
"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"
A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "
"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Gf: what are your plans for today?
Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses
Gf: and after that?
Me: I guess we'll see
My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses
After that I guess I'll just see what happens
Why do plants use photosynthesis?
So they can have a light snack
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."
Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
I'm planning on starting a s**... club....
... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.
I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.
The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".
The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.
My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?
Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.
Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?
I would never get on a plane with Ben Shapiro
He would try to destroy the left wing.
Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?
Idk, it's beyond meat.
God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
God initially planned to use wasps to make honey.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.
Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn't show up
that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
My wife and I have decided we don't want children
We plan on telling them after supper
Russia is reportedly seizing Apple's assets in Russia with the intent to make a new vehicle.
They plan to call it the iVan.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.
The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one c**... left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The Ukrainian stands up, straightens his vyshyvanka, says "Slava Ukraini!" and throws the Russian out.
Lying
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Two little kids.....
aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, Okay, you say a**...' and I'll say h**....'
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. Aw, h**..., says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios. His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. What'll you have?
I dunno, quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your a**... it ain't gonna be Cheerios.
How does a ghost plan his day?
He makes a to-boo list
I hear the new PM has a bold plan to solve Britain's energy woes
Gaslighting.
The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound s**....
Operation "Just Let Them Talk"
A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly
Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so we've had to delay departure until we can locate a new pilot."
Never take a plane with Ben Shapiro
He will destroy the left wing
Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.
He plans to buy it.
I've got all these plane c**... jokes…
…they just never seem to land.
There were plans to have Chuck Norris's face on Mt. Rushmore
Unfortunately, the plans had to be scrapped because the granite was too soft to make his beard.
What did the plane say to the kite?
"Do I look high?"
