Plan Jokes

155 plan jokes and hilarious plan puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about plan that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A meta description is an important part of your website's SEO, so it's important to get it right! This article provides tips on how to plan jokes to liven up any conversation. It suggests ways to incorporate strategic, business, and project plans into the jokes, as well as to make light of layoffs, deportations, and other plot-points. Learn to plan the perfect joke today!

Funniest Plan Short Jokes

Short plan jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The plan humour may include short plot jokes also.

  1. LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
  2. I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn't show up that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
  3. Girl: What are your plans for today? Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.
    Girl: And after that?
    Boy: And after that we'll see.
  4. Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work. The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
  5. Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans... This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.
  6. God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers. But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
  7. Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter. He plans to buy it.
  8. What's the worst part about locking your key in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.
  9. What's the difference between iron man and aluminum man" Iron man stops bad guys. Aluminum man foils their plans.
  10. Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day." Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

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Plan One Liners

Which plan one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with plan? I can suggest the ones about scheme and policy.

  1. Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8 In charge of planning Yoda was
  2. (P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN Ha! I just foiled your plan!
  3. Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022! Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
  4. My wife and I have decided we don't want children We plan on telling them after supper
  5. Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plans? The Jedi Code forbids attachments.
  6. God initially planned to use wasps to make honey. But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
  7. I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.
  8. Yo mama's so fat... ...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.
  9. Animals: winter is here, we need a plan to survive. Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
  10. God's plan to use wasps to pollinate didn't work out. So he had to resort to Plan Bee.
  11. Chris Christie is so fat, he plans on walking for president.
  12. How does a ghost plan his day? He makes a to-boo list
  13. My plan tomorrow is to visit my optometrist. After that, we'll see.
  14. ISIS has a new plan for eliminating Americans. They donate to the NRA.
  15. A group of midgets were planning to rob a butcher's... But the steaks were just too high.

Plan Loved Jokes

Here is a list of funny plan loved jokes and even better plan loved puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them He's in love with the shape of u
  • I had trouble making friends in college, but then came up with a foolproof plan. I started telling girls I love them. Their first reaction was to say let's just be friends.
  • I love sunny side up eggs. But no matter how far in advance I plan to make one... ...I always wind up scrambling at the last minute.
  • I suggested that the call centre I work at should use the A-Team theme tune as their hold music and my boss agreed I love it when a plan comes together
  • What's worst than being just a procrastinator... Being caught in an infinite loop because of being a procrastinator who loves to plan.
  • Sure, I may not be in a relationship, but I am three people's plan B and someone's maybe if we're ever the last two people on Earth.
  • "I love it when a plan comes ogether" "You missed a 't'"
    "No, I'm Hannibal".
  • At college football games, there's advertisements everywhere. Companies love presenting moments of the game. Though it was ironic seeing Planned Parenthood presenting the "Delivery of the Game."
  • KC & The Sunshine Band are sad Blockbuster have closed down. They had plans to do a little dance, make a little love and get Downton out.
  • aplan Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

Business Plan Jokes

Here is a list of funny business plan jokes and even better business plan puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Donald Trump finally revealed his plans to defeat North Korea He's buying it and turning it into a Trump brand business
  • I heard the ChatGPT servers are slow because they're too busy planning their AI uprising.
  • I'm planning to start a business on teaching math to short people. Gonna call it "making the little things count".
  • I plan to retire at 30. The used tire business is just calling my name.
  • What's the only thing working out at the gym? The business plan.
  • I had plans to get together with a buddy of mine who's a clock hobbyist, but he never showed up. When I asked him where he was he said he was busy binge watching.
  • Donald Trump has a new plan for solving the conflict of interest of him owning his business empire and being President He's going to put America into a blind trust.
  • I'll admit; my business plan of impersonating and running marathons on behalf of fee paying clients who want prestige without effort, is not going well. But I'd still give you a run for your money.
  • I heard the Ringling Bros Circus is staying in business They plan to stick around for another four years under the name "Trump Administration"
  • If a bunch of nuns wanted to help small business, they could create their own small business writing business plans... And call it 'Nun of Your Business'
Plan joke, If a bunch of nuns wanted to help small business, they could create their own small business writing

Building Plan Jokes

Here is a list of funny building plan jokes and even better building plan puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport... The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"
    I replied "No, only guns."
  • NASA was planning on building a restaurant on the moon They cancelled because they figured it wouldn't have any atmosphere.
  • Trump is planning on shifting his efforts to build a wall along the east coast. He thinks it can keep Jose out.
  • If you're thinking about building a Velcro wall Plan on sticking to it
  • I tried to build a bottomless pit, But there was a floor in my plan.
  • If you want to keep unwanted people out of America, Instead of building a wall, don't defund Planned Parenthood
  • Donald Trump's plan for the first 100 days is going exactly according to plan... Now that he's finished building the swamp he can focus on draining the wall.
  • The council have started asking people what they think of their plans to build a wind turbine off the local coastline. I'm not a big fan.
  • Tension at work Local engineer was fired after building a road over a creak further up stream then planned. Dispite his long years of service, it was a bridge too far.
  • Just finished building the deepest well in England. Got the plans wrong way round, started work on the tallest lighthouse.

Escape Plan Jokes

Here is a list of funny escape plan jokes and even better escape plan puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • We're trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We've got some ideas. But it's still up in the air.
  • Did you ever hear the one about the ice cube's great escape from the freezer? You could say it was a very well thawed out plan
Plan joke, Did you ever hear the one about the ice cube's great escape from the freezer?

Howlingly Hilarious Plan Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about plan you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean proposal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make plan pranks.

A plane is about to c**......

A plane is going down and about to c**... when a woman suddenly leaps from her seat and screams,"If I'm going to die, I want to feel like a woman before I do!" She rips all her clothes off and screams,"Who here is man enough to make me feel like a true woman?"
A man stands up and calmly says OK. He unbuttons his shirt, takes it off, hands it to her and says,"Here. Iron this."

There's a plane crashing down...

On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."

Plane Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

How do you milk a sheep?

Sell headphone for $549.

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"

A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists

The head t**... is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up.
The pilot retorts: " This is an airliner, not a spaceship!"

h**... and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and h**... tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.
one of the two people hear this and asks h**... "Why kill the mechanic?"
h**... turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all t**... in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!

Importance of Planning

Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

I was walking around town the other day...

I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two j**...-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"
Anyways, they arrested me.

A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank...

The brunette is the getaway driver. She told the plan to the blonde, told her to be back in less than 5 minutes, and dropped her off at the front door of the bank.
10 minutes goes by.... No sight of the blonde...
20 minutes goes by... No sight of the blonde...
Finally, after a half hour the blonde comes running out of the bank, dragging the safe by a long rope. As soon as the blonde gets into the car, the brunette sees the guard running as fast as he can towards them, with his pants at his ankles...
After a few moments of silence, the brunette realizes what happened and screamed to the blonde, " You IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!!"

Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...

To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

A plane was going down....

A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to c**... in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

So I saw these two guys walking down the street...

So I saw these two guys walking down the street, wearing the exact same outfit, I mean right down to the belt. So I yelled at them,
"Hey faggots, did you plan those outfits or what?"
Yeah they arrested me.

My blonde gf thinks...

My blonde gf thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.

If you're going to do something i**... don't plan it through Facebook

Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.

For our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to Hawaii...

...and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.

What happens when a plant is sad?

The other plants have to photosympathize with it

I like to plant my herb in alphabetical order.

People ask me 'Where do you find the time?'
I say 'It's right there next to the sage'

What the the planet Jupiter say to Neptune?

I can see Uranus from here.

Classroom Nerd

(In a high school class room)
Girl: Do you see that F@#$ING nerd over there.
Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day.
Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a p**...

A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."

A plane was once flying over an island..

A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice:
Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

Did you know there are more planes in the ocean..

Than submarines in the sky?

I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.
The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a b**... and a cup of coffee".
The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.
A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".

2 scientists walk into a bar

the first one says: I´ll have a glass of H2O...
the second one says: i´ll have a glass of water too.... Wh... why did you say H2O ? Is there any reason to use the chemical formular outside the lab ?Doesn`t this just over-complicate things for no reason ? I really don´t think that was very smart...
the first scientists stares at his drink, angry, that his assassination plan has failed...

I'm on a plane and I see my friend Jack.

Instinctively I say, "Hi Jack!"
Still don't understand why I was detained.

A plane was about to c**..., and a woman stood up, took off her top, and exclaimed "Before this plane goes down, is there a man on board who will make me feel like a woman before I die!?"

A man stood up, took off his shirt and threw it at her, and said
"Here, iron this!"

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone

He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.

So I told h**... about 9/11

I told him about the carnage and the aftermath, and how the state of America was changed forever, but he was confused.
So, I told him about the backstory, and how Bin Laden began to plan this in the 90s, but he was still confused.
Then, I told him about the numerous connections and the conspirators who trained to fly the planes.
I saw the look on his face.
"What's the confusion?"
h**...: "But why no eleven?"

A plane is about to c**...

A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."

My wife doesn't know it,

but every time we have s**... I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
So far she's getting a McChicken

Planes have an absolutely perfect record.

We've never left one up there.

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

What's the Mummy's plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

Why are plants so skinny?

They usually have a light lunch.

Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

As an airplane is about to c**..., a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

I was on a plane and saw my freind jack

So i shouted hi jack
Still dont know why i was detained

On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:
-What's your name?
-Angela Benz, sir.
-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?
-Yes, sir. A very close one.
-How close?
-Same price.

Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant

The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his m**... plan had failed.

Women are discussing their s**... life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.

A Soviet newspaper announces:

"Last night, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."
" four microseconds."

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

While planning a potluck at work, one of my coworkers asked if we had any vegans on the team.

I told her probably not. They would have let us know several times by now.

A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes

A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples' souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says, I want to be beautiful . God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man's turn he laughed and said, I wish all those people were ugly again.

A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"why did we take off so late?"
To which the flight attendant replies:
"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"

I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "

"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of i**... immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?

He photo-sympathizes.

Gf: what are your plans for today?

Me: a friend and I are going out to buy glasses
Gf: and after that?
Me: I guess we'll see

My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses

After that I guess I'll just see what happens

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

I'm planning on starting a s**... club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.
I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.
The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".
The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent..

I'll be naming my daughter pregnant so when a guy meets her.
Guy: Hi, I'm Paul.
Her: Hi, I'm pregnant.
Case closed.

Plan joke, How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent..

jokes about plan