Plain Jokes

What are some Plain jokes?

Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear

One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...

...no strings attached!

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.


"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.


"Isn't she just the cutest?"


Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"

A boy and his father are playing catch

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.


"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."


Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."


The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)


Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.


The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or
should I"?

A cowboy is riding across the plain one day,

when he sees an Indian chief laying on the ground with his ear pressed firmly to the earth. Never having seen this before, the cowboy says "Hey chief whatcha doin there." The chief in broken english says "Ugg, buffalo come." The cowboy says "That's amazing chief, how can you tell?" The Chief reply's "Ear sticky."

Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.

Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.

Einstein's countdown ends. 3.... 2.... 1....

He turns around and sees Isaac Newton in plain sight. He tells him:

"Ha, found you, Newton!"

I. Newton responds while nodding:

"You didn't find me, because 1N/1m^2 =1 Pascal. So it's Pascal who you found!"

The best pizza I ever had was just a plain dough base

Nothing topped that.

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.

What type of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel

An aviation enthusiast enters a bar.

He asks, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender laughs and says, "Sorry, we only have plain chips."

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

What's a pilot's favorite kind of bagel?

Plain

When I was your age...

When I was your age, before the Internet, there was none of this e-bola. We just had plain bola. And you know what? We were thankful.

I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

My local Greek restaurant just started serving tacos and burritos....

I tried it earlier today and it turns out it's plain old Greecey Mexican food.

50,000 battered women a year...

And I still eat mine plain!

If liberals are libtards...

Doesn't that make republicans just plain ole retards?

A friend calls his engineer friend

A friend calls his engineer friend. What are you doing? He asks. The engineer answers "I'm in the middle of the project hydro thermal behavior of porcelain glass and metals under a controlled high-pressured environment". I am not sure I understand, can you explain it in plain language?. And the engineer answers "I'm washing the dishes and my wife is watching me"

Blonde kidnapper

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag
behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.

Signed - "The Blonde"

She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in
a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also
inside the bag was the following note:

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do
this to another."

Animals getting frisky

A father and son are standing on a hill looking out over a plain. Seeing a pair of animals getting intimate, the son turns to his father and says "Dad, why is that buffalo getting on top of another boy buffalo? Is it gay?"

The father turns to the son to admonish him.

"You shouldn't be judgemental of another person or animal for the sexuality!"

While he says this, the same buffalo mounts a female.

"Anyway, it's bison."

What's a pilot's favorite kind of yogurt?

Plain.

What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike?

Attire

What is a daleks favourite breakfast

Eggs, plain

A very experienced man...

A man visits a house of ill-repute. He tells the woman, "I've seen everything and done it all. I need an experience I've never had before."
The madam summons a rather plain looking young woman and says, "This is Susan. She's for you."
The man seems unimpressed but resigns himself to the choice.
She takes him to her room, sits him down on the bed, and begins to fondle his manly bits.
After his interest is fully aroused, she pops out a glass eye, and uses her empty eye socket to gratify him.
As he's leaving, he says to the madam, "That was the most amazing experience! Can I come back tomorrow?"
The madams says, "Absolutely--I'll tell Susan to keep an eye out for you."

Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight

The Galaxy Note 7

Alcohol Free Beer

Is a lot like going down on your sister.
 
It tastes the same but it's just plain wrong.

Women are like numbers ...

* Some are Rational, but infinitely more are Irrational.

* The Real ones might be Proper or Improper, but only the Imaginary ones are ever Pure.

* Some are Natural, the rest are Negative, or just not there.

* Some are Prime, but those are hard to find.

* Every other one is just plain Odd.

A man walks into a convenience store

and he asks the clerk, do you have any helicopter flavored chips? The clerk responds, no, we just have plain.

I matched with this guy on Tinder. He said he wasn't like your average single Pringle – he was like a Dorito, edgy and spicy.

I hooked up with him. He definitely wasn't plain round.

I go to the Jim every morning

Are you thin? Are you overweight? Are you fighting the battle of the bulge? Do you have a sedentary lifestyle? Are you plain lazy? Do you have someone or the other always telling you to go to the gym?

Here's something for you...

"Instead of calling my bathroom the John, I call it the Jim.
That way it sounds a lot better when I tell people I go to the Jim first thing every morning :-)"

Poaching defenseless, innocent wild animals is just plain wrong

They're much better roasted.

Quaker home defense

one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled

"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"

car trouble

Wife: There's trouble with the car. I think it has water in the carburettor.

Husband: Water in the carburettor? That's plain daft.

Wife: I'm telling you the car has water in the carburettor.

Husband: Don't be silly, You don't even know what a carburettor is. how would you know there is water in the carburettor? "

Wife: darling, I figured there would be some water in the carburetor if the car is in the swimming pool."

Helicopter flavored potato chips?

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

50,000 battered women in America every year..

and I've been eating mine plain this whole time.

40% of women in the world are battered...

And I've been eating mine plain this whole time.

Worlds Smartest President

Trump, The Pope and little Joey are all on an airplane when the pilot comes running out of the cabin yelling the plain is going to crash!!! The pilot grabs his parachute and jumps out, Trump sees that there are only two parachutes left and exclaims " I am the smartest President and I need to live!" He grabs a pack and jumps, the Pope turns to Joey and says " son I have lived a long life and I am okay meeting God." Joey smiles and replies " There's no need, the worlds smartest president took my backpack."

What do you call jokes about 9/11 and why are they generally not funny?

Too plain jokes

Mr T and I were thinking about scaling a glass wall.

We were looking at the standard equipment and the fancy equipment too. I selected the most basic suction device for my ascent, and suggested Mr T do likewise.

He looked at me and said, "I ain't using no plain sucker!"

Dumb Nirvana Joke

I was gonna tell a Dumb Nirvana joke About a girl I knew named Polly that lived On a Plain. Her favorite drink was Pennyroyal tea with crackers and Mexican Seafood, she had a sliver in her finger and once had an Aneurysm at School but Nevermind that.

One for us old guys

Lady opens a house of ill repute and hired 3 girls to work for her: a fashion model, a telephone operator and an elementary school teacher. She figured the model would be the most popular with the guys as she was so much prettier, followed by the operator then the teacher who was rather a plain Jane. To her surprise, after the second week, most of the guys wanted to see the teacher. Lady decided to stand out side the girl's doors and eaves drop on them.
She heard the model say, don't mess my hair, don't mess my makeup. She heard the operator say, you three minutes are up, deposit another $5.50 (told you it was for the old guys). BUT when she listened outside the teacher's door, she heard," I don't care how many times it takes, you are going to do it over until you get it right!"

I love to build things...

I love hammering, I love sawing, and I love sanding.

But drilling is just plain boring.

TIL that 1 in 3 Women are Battered.

...And to think I have been eating them plain all this time.

I prefer loose leaf paper over plain white paper...

...the plain white stuff is too unruly.

Medical Term

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Wanted: One Night Stand

I'm moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.

Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel.

Plain.

Apparently people don't like pictures of a Boeing 737

Maybe it's just too plain

Today I learned that 48% of women in the U.S. are battered...

and to think I've been eating mine plain for all these years.

I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway...

It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.

A small, plain looking guy is sitting by himself in a bar.

All evening girls walk up to his table, talk to him for a bit and then they both head out the door and come back 30 minutes later.
Another guy, getting no action at all, beckons over the bartender and asks if he knows what the guy's secret is.
"Beats me" says the bartender. "All he does is sit there licking his eyebrows."

A young zebra escapes from the zoo and meets a stallion in a nearby valley

The stallion was fascinated and asked the zebra "where do you come from and what do you do?" the zebra replied "I come from Africa and I just chill with my friends on the plain"
Then the zebra asked the stallion "what are you and what do you do?" and the stallion replied "I'm a stallion, get your pyjamas off and i'll show you"

How did the heckawii indians get their name?

They split off from a larger tribe and fallowed a river, they walked for weeks and months until finally coming to a great plain, the Indian chief looked at the medicine man and said "where the heck are we?"

The cheerio wanted to go to prom with a honey nut cheerio

A plain Cheerio wanted his prom date to be a beautiful Honey Nut Cheerio, the Cheerio asks the Honey Nut Cheerio to the dance, the Honey Nut Cheerio rejects and says "I only date Honey Nut Cheerios". A farmer approaches the now saddened Cheerio and tells him "Do some work on my farm and I'll turn you into a Honey Nut Cheerio." The desprate Cheerio does the farmers bidding and the farmer keeps his promise. At the dance the Honey Nut Cheerio asks the once plain Cheerio "Could you get me some punch?" He looks over at the line, turns back around and says "There is no punch line."

There are 4 million battered women in the US.

But I like mine plain.

why were the people in the twin towers so upset?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain

What's an airline pilots favourite crisp flavour?

Plain

An organic chemist and an inorganic chemist walk into a room.

There is a table inside and on the table there are two boxes, one in front of the other. Next to the boxes is a sign that says "please take one".

There is nothing that distinguishes the two boxes from each other except for their placement on the table, and the writing on the boxes. They are both plain cardboard boxes with black magic marker on the front. The first box has the suffix "-ic" written on it while the second box has the suffix "-ice" written upon it.

The organic chemist takes the formic, while the inorganic chemist takes the lattice.

I like my ice cream like I like my women.

Plain vanilla, and hopefully if it lies around long enough it will get wet so I don't have to do much with my mouth.

Sometimes I'll just eat a plain piece of bread for dinner, to you it might seem like a snack...

but to me it's a wholemeal.

Why did 9/11 happen?

Because someone ordered a pepperoni pizza but got plain instead.

I went to an ASDA Cafe for lunch

Yesterday i was shopping in ASDA and decide to have lunch in the Cafe, i ordered a plain burger and chips.

when i got to the counter to pay the woman said,

"A plain burger, that's a bit boring isn't it? are you sure you don't want anything on it?"

to which i replied,

"Oh go on then! i'll have Β£5 each way..."

How to make Plain jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Plain to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Plain? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Plain pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes