plain Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious plain puns

Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear

One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...

...no strings attached!

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A boy and his father are playing catch

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.


"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."


Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."


The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)


Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.


The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or
should I"?

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A cowboy is riding across the plain one day,

when he sees an Indian chief laying on the ground with his ear pressed firmly to the earth. Never having seen this before, the cowboy says "Hey chief whatcha doin there." The chief in broken english says "Ugg, buffalo come." The cowboy says "That's amazing chief, how can you tell?" The Chief reply's "Ear sticky."

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Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.

Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.

Einstein's countdown ends. 3.... 2.... 1....

He turns around and sees Isaac Newton in plain sight. He tells him:

"Ha, found you, Newton!"

I. Newton responds while nodding:

"You didn't find me, because 1N/1m^2 =1 Pascal. So it's Pascal who you found!"

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The best pizza I ever had was just a plain dough base

Nothing topped that.

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A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.

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What type of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel

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An aviation enthusiast enters a bar.

He asks, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender laughs and says, "Sorry, we only have plain chips."

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Guy walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

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2 men walk into a corner shop,

one of them dressed like a clown the other in a plain ski mask. They go to the counter and say

"Empty the till, no one needs to get hurt!"

The clerk complies with all comands given to him. Just as they're about to leave the clown drops his trousers and takes a shit on the middle of the floor. He then proceeds to wank all over the counter, get his bollocks out and run up and down shouting

"Julia Gillard's a fucking cunt!"

The robber in the ski mask looks astounded.
After they've both left he asks the man in the clown outfit

"What the fuck was that back there?!"

the clown replies "I'd like to see those fuckers on Crime Investigation re-enact that".

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When I was your age...

When I was your age, before the Internet, there was none of this e-bola. We just had plain bola. And you know what? We were thankful.

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A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

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What's a pilot's favorite kind of bagel?

Plain

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A man walks into a bar

and really needs to shit, he asks the bartender to use the bathroom and is given directions. He walks in and sees a regular toilet and a gorgeous golden one. So the man plops down on the golden one and has the most glorious shit he's ever had.

The next day he goes into the same bar and does it again, this shit being better than the last. The third day he goes in and there's only the plain white toilet. He walks out and asks the bartender where the gold toilet went. The bartender looks at him and then yells "hey Frank, I found the fucker that's been shitting in your tuba!"

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I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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I'm so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality.

"Hi, so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality, I'm dad."

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My local Greek restaurant just started serving tacos and burritos....

I tried it earlier today and it turns out it's plain old Greecey Mexican food.

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Dimension Dummies

The zero(th), first, second, third, and fourth dimension go to a party. A guy comes over and says "can I tell you guys a joke?" The fourth dimension says "No, I don't have time for that." The second dimension says "Chill, bro, you're acting so plain." The first dimension says "Hey guys, you're crossing the line." The third dimension says "Yeah, give him some space." "You've got a point," adds the zero(th) dimension. "Damn dimensions," says the guy "always plotting something."

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

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50,000 battered women a year...

And I still eat mine plain!

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A friend calls his engineer friend

A friend calls his engineer friend. What are you doing? He asks. The engineer answers "I'm in the middle of the project hydro thermal behavior of porcelain glass and metals under a controlled high-pressured environment". I am not sure I understand, can you explain it in plain language?. And the engineer answers "I'm washing the dishes and my wife is watching me"

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Animals getting frisky

A father and son are standing on a hill looking out over a plain. Seeing a pair of animals getting intimate, the son turns to his father and says "Dad, why is that buffalo getting on top of another boy buffalo? Is it gay?"

The father turns to the son to admonish him.

"You shouldn't be judgemental of another person or animal for the sexuality!"

While he says this, the same buffalo mounts a female.

"Anyway, it's bison."

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Blonde kidnapper

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag
behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.

Signed - "The Blonde"

She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in
a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also
inside the bag was the following note:

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do
this to another."

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What's a pilot's favorite kind of yogurt?

Plain.

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What is a daleks favourite breakfast

Eggs, plain

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What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike?

Attire

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A very experienced man...

A man visits a house of ill-repute. He tells the woman, "I've seen everything and done it all. I need an experience I've never had before."
The madam summons a rather plain looking young woman and says, "This is Susan. She's for you."
The man seems unimpressed but resigns himself to the choice.
She takes him to her room, sits him down on the bed, and begins to fondle his manly bits.
After his interest is fully aroused, she pops out a glass eye, and uses her empty eye socket to gratify him.
As he's leaving, he says to the madam, "That was the most amazing experience! Can I come back tomorrow?"
The madams says, "Absolutely--I'll tell Susan to keep an eye out for you."

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Guy meets a Girl on Tinder..

Both never showed their real photos on their respective profiles. They agree to meet up in a Starbucks. Guy says he will be wearing plain white tees, but wore a green shirt. Girl says she will be wearing a yellow dress and she did. Day of the meet up, guy sees the girl and is ugly as hell. The girl, seeing that nobody was wearing any white shirt, asked the only guy obviously waiting for somebody. "Are you the guy I was supposed to meet from Tinder?" The girl asked. "Am I wearing plain white tees?"

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Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight

The Galaxy Note 7

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A man walks into a convenience store

and he asks the clerk, do you have any helicopter flavored chips? The clerk responds, no, we just have plain.

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Women are like numbers ...

* Some are Rational, but infinitely more are Irrational.

* The Real ones might be Proper or Improper, but only the Imaginary ones are ever Pure.

* Some are Natural, the rest are Negative, or just not there.

* Some are Prime, but those are hard to find.

* Every other one is just plain Odd.

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Alcohol Free Beer

Is a lot like going down on your sister.
 
It tastes the same but it's just plain wrong.

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The Rodeo

Two ranchers are sitting on a fence taking a break while their cattle eat when one looks at the other and says, "What's your favorite sex position?"

The other rancher looks at him and says, "I'm a pretty plain guy, missionary I guess. What's yours?"

"Mine? I like the rodeo," the first rancher responds.

"What's that?" asked the second rancher.

"Well, you get your woman from behind. You reach around with each arm and grab a firm hold of each boob. Then you lean in real close and whisper, 'These feel like your sister's' AND YOU HOLD ON!"

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Custer's last stand...

A rich woman from France purchased a mansion in America. The library had a wall that seem quite plain to her, so she commissioned an artist to paint a mural. To fit her new life in America, she decided that it should be a scene from American history. But not being to fond of American culture, she thought to choose a less than pleasant example. She settled on Custer's last stand.

So she brought the artist in to discuss with him what it was that she wanted. She explained, "I want a beautiful mural depicting Custer's exact thoughts at Little Big Horn during his last stand. I will be gone back to France to finish up my move for three months. Can you have it ready for me when I return?" The artist was sure that he could and agreed.

Now after three months the woman returned from France anxious to see her mural. The artist was waiting proudly in the library. As she came into the library, her jaw dropped. "What is this?", she exclaimed! On her wall were all manner of Indians naked and half naked, engaging in every conceivable sexual act. The wall was completely full of a Native American orgy. "I demand to know what is the meaning of this! I asked for Custer's last thoughts at Little Big Horn.", she yelled again. The artist raised an eyebrow and said, "Exactly what you asked for, Custer was thinking 'Looking at all these fucking Indians.'"

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I matched with this guy on Tinder. He said he wasn't like your average single Pringle – he was like a Dorito, edgy and spicy.

I hooked up with him. He definitely wasn't plain round.

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What are the most funny Plain jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Plain? Well, here are the best Plain dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Plain pick up lines to share with friends.

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