Places Jokes

Following is our collection of worlds humor and dirty places one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Places puns for adults, dirty armpit jokes or clean place gags for kids.

There is an abundance of things jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 58 funniest jokes on places. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any walks witze you can hear about places.

The Best jokes about Places

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....

24 years in to their marriage unfortunately

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.

"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"

"I want two more of these, then!"

I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...

a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:


"We tried, but nobody would take you"


I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

I lost my watch at a party.

After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

Jesus walks into a hotel...

He places 3 long nails on the counter and asks - can you put me up for the night?

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places...

He said to stop going to those places.

Found this one on Wikipedia of all places

Two young women are drinking tea together. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. One of the women opens the door and finds a courier with a big great bouquet of roses. She walks inside and reads to her friend: *"Much love from your boyfriend!"* She immediately groans out: *"You know what this'll mean? This'll mean I'll be lying on my back with my legs spread wide open for the next two weeks!"* To which her friend says, *"Don't you have a vase?"*


A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"

The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places today

He told me not to go back to those places

Two Indians put their ears to the ground........

The first Indian says: "Buffalo come".

The second Indian says: "Buffalo no come".

The first Indian places his ear back on the ground and repeats "Buffalo come".

The second Indian places his ear back on the ground and says "I no hear anything, why you think buffalo come?"

The first Indian replies "Ear sticky".

So I've got some buddies...

They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical marijuana to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.

I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.

It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

Darth Vader could never find love....

He was looking in Alderaan places.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places...

...My doctor told me to stay away from those places.

What do you do if you break your arm in two places?

Don't go back to those two places.


A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.

I've broken my arm in 3 places.

I've decided to stop going to those places.

Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine...

"One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..."

Women are alot like continents.

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, but not without places of interest. From 55 onwards, she's like Australia- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares.

A young girl goes to the doctor and tells him she is feeling ill

So the doctor places the end of the stethoscope on her chest and says "Big breaths".

To which the girl replies "Thankth, I'm only thickthteen."

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

Lost vulture

A young vulture flew away from his home for a bit and got lost on his way back. His parents searched and searched, but they couldn't find him. About a week later, he finally finds his way home, and his parents are so happy that they have a huge feast. His father places a plate in front of him loaded with his favorite foods. He asks his father "What's all this?" His father replies "Carrion, my wayward son."

What's common between a Game Tester and Gynecologist.

They both look for problems in places where other men find pleasure.

Patient Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places

Doctor Well don't go to those places.

A girl walks in a store

A girl walks in a store and collects the items she wants to buy.

She walks up to the cashier and places her items on the counter.

The cashier says "I can tell you are single" with a smile on his face.

The girl says "How can you tell?"

"Cause your ugly" says the Cashier.

Khakis

In most places, losing your khakis means you have no pants. In Boston, if you lose your khakis, you can't drive.

So the pope coes to New York...

and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...

Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.

Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.

Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...

After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

Philosophy final

in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.

"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."

Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.

The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"

His answer: What chair?

My girlfriend and I could never agree on holidays...

I wanted to fly to exotic places and stay in luxurious five-star hotels. And she wanted to come with me.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.
It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!

(MASH s1 ep7)

How do you get herpes viral infection of the eye?

Looking for love in all the wrong places.

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner.

Next the pot is placed on the floor with the same instructions. The physicist once again picks it up, places it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematician picks it up and puts it on the table, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved.

Why couldn't Princess Leia find love?

She was looking in Alderaan places.

Why are hipsters such great assassins?

Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.

"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.

"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."

"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.

"Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony.

"What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest.

"Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony.

The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat.

"Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony.

"You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.

A priest gives a young nun a lift home from church one day..

As he's shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun's knee.

The young nun looks up at the priest and says, Father, remember Luke 14:10.

The priest withdraws his hand embarrassed.

Next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher up on her thigh, again the nun says, Remember Luke 14:10, Father.

The priest apologizes, The flesh is weak.

So he drops her off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14:10.

Friend, come up higher, then shalt thou have glory!

Talented Pets

A tramp goes into a bar and says to the barman 'Gimme a shot of your finest whiskey and I'll show you something amazing.'

The barman agrees and the tramp pulls out a hamster from his pocket and puts it on the piano stool. The hamster then begins to play the most incredible music that anyone in the bar had ever heard.

The tramp gets his shot of whiskey and says 'Another shot of that whiskey for something even more amazing'

The barman agrees and the tramp pulls out a frog, and places it on top of the piano. The frog starts to sing along with the hamster in the most beautiful tenor voice, cadencing perfectly with the hamster.

As the barman is pouring out the whiskey a man comes over to the tramp and says 'I'll give you $10000 for that frog, right here.' The tramp agrees and pockets a check while the man walks away with his frog. Meanwhile, the barman looks in disbelief and says to the tramp 'What're you doing? Those two could've made millions, let alone $10000.' The tramp turns to the barman and says 'Ah, but what he doesn't know, is that the hamster is also an excellent ventriloquist'

A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table.

A man places $100, a fifth of Jameson and a bible on the table. His son cones in and the man tells him to sit down. He says to his son, "if you take the $100 you will grow to be a gambler. If you take the whiskey, you will die as a drunk in the streets. But if you take the bible, you will be a holy man of God and live a good and righteous life."

The son sits and thinks for a moment, he then reaches out and takes the bible, the whiskey and the money off the table and walks out the door. The man sits stunned for a moment before he jumps out of his seat and proclaims "By God!!! My son is going to be an Irish priest!"

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew.

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion
during a dinner.
Catholic: I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!
Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!

Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
I'm not selling!!!...

Winning Blonde !!!

A beautiful blonde walks into a casino and over to a soda machine and arrives there just before a business man who's come to quench his thirst. She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents , studies the machine , presses the Diet Coke selection , and out comes a Diet coke , which she places on a counter by the machine. Then she reaches in her purse again and pulls out a dollar and inserts it in the machine.Studying the machine carefully, she presses the button for coca cola classic and out came a coke classic and 50 cents change.She takes the 50 cents and puts it in the machine , studies for a moment , and presses the sprite button.Out comes a sprite. As she is reaching into her purse again , the business man who has been waiting patiently for several minutes,speaks up"Excuse me miss , but are you done yet?" She looks at him and indignantly replies,"Well, Duh! I'm like , still winning!"

A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination

The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.

The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name

How do you know that the prostate exam is going horribly wrong?

When the doctor places both hands on your shoulders.

Another vampire joke.

3 vampires walk into a blood bar.

The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges.

The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges.

The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"


[

Father: *places hand on shoulder* My son.....

*Son: Yes father?
*Father: Check out this cool severed hand I just found!

editted for format, which I suck at apparently

A doctor, lawyer, and an engineer are about to be guillotined...

The doctor is first. The guillotine comes down and stops halfway. The doctor immediately yells "This is God's will, I must not be killed". The executioner, not seeing anybody protest his claim, lets him go. The lawyer is next. He places his head down, and as the guillotine falls, it comes to a halt right above his neck. "This is an act of God," he exclaims, and is set free. Finally the engineer is about to be executed. He puts his neck down, and as the guillotine falls, yet again it stops right above his neck. He looks up and exclaims, "Hey, I see the problem!"

My brother's still single on star wars day.

Apparently he's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

The Jew says...

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!

Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!

Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!

They all wait for the Jew to speak…

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!

A pastor takes four earthworms and places them in different jars at the start of the service.

Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. "Dead!" exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. "Dead!". The worm in the sweets "DEAD!" Finally the worm in the dirt, "Look at this! He is alive!"

"Can anyone tell me what the moral of this story is?"

Mrs. Jones, an elderly woman in the front row, stands up and exclaims "If you drink, smoke, and eat nothing but candy, you won't get worms!"

What did the stamp say to the envelope?

Stick with me and we'll go places.

Hitler asked his portrait

"What's going to happen to me when the war is over?" Hitler asked
"We're going to switch places" replied the portrait.
"How so?"
"They're going to take me down and hang you up."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes