Place Jokes
153 place jokes and hilarious place puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about place that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for the perfect joke to break the ice in the workplace? This article offers some of the best jokes that are sure to bring a smile to the faces of your colleagues at work. From hilarious jokes about first and second place to zingers about the local meet up spot and even the ever popular “The Good Place,” this article has it all. Read on and get a few laughs at work today!
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Funniest Place Short Jokes
Short place jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The place humour may include short location jokes also.
- My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places.... 24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
- Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races? Because he likes to come in a little behind.
- These bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
- I took an epileptic girl to a rave I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
- I entered my chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! My dog came in third.
- I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
- I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day... It's a vicious cycle.
- How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
- The people who write instructions for places like IKEA must be in good shape. All that manual labor
- How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
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Place One Liners
Which place one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with place? I can suggest the ones about site and plaice.
- Why's a graveyard the safest place in quarantine? Everybody's 6 feet away
- The US has placed 18th for math… It sounds bad, I'm just glad we hit top ten.
- I don't usually brag about going to expensive places But I just left the gas station.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- My Local Pizza Place Just Folded Now they serve Calzones.
- Someone broke into my place and stole all my fruit... ... I'm peachless!
- The Holy Land isn't a fake place Israel
- What's Hillary's favorite pizza place? Little Seizures
- I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places... He said to stop going to those places.
- Why do Chinese people love playing Among Us? It's the only place they can vote
- There is a time and place for decaf coffee Never and in the trash.
- I went to a place in France last week It was nice.
- I bet when Hugh Hefner dies... ...no one will say he's in a better place.
- What's the safest place to hide a dead body? Page 2 of Google search.
- What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat? Wendy's
Takes Place Jokes
Here is a list of funny takes place jokes and even better takes place puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you" - How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves
- I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
- Music can really take you to another place Like this bar I'm in plays nickleback, so I'm leaving
- How many light bulbs does it take to change a man? Just one, if you put it in the right place.
- A girl looked at me funny last night as I struggled to take her bra off... She was probably wondering why I had it on in the first place.
- Valentines Day is on Monday Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.
- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? None.
It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!
(MASH s1 ep7) - I knew a man who was taking a trip. His destination was a guillotine.
It was a terrible place to be headed. - I should start a pizza place called original pizza, abreviated OP and it will only have take out. OP will not deliver
First Place Jokes
Here is a list of funny first place jokes and even better first place puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I visited Stockholm At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.
- They say curiosity killed the cat, but what I want to know is how the cat got to mars in the first place
- My buddy has a trophy wife But from the looks of it she didn't get first place
- "Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence " I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.
- I entered a laziness competition and placed first. I got atrophy.
- Stop saying no to drugs You talking to inanimate objects is the reason why your doctor prescribed them to you in the first place.
- My coworkers at my place of work have given me a nickname Mr. Compromise . It wasn't my first choice, but I guess I'm ok with it.
- I won first place in a swimming competition once... 9 months later, my mother gave birth to me
- My wife complained to me the other day that I'm trying to be somebody that I'm not... I'm just confused as to how she got into the batcave in the first place.
- At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second. Coincidently, that's how the Catholic Church ranks it's priorities.
Last Place Jokes
Here is a list of funny last place jokes and even better last place puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you guys hear about that crazy thing Trump said at the debate last night? I couldn't believe it. He said "Ohio is a spectacular place."
- Ferguson Protestors looted a Payless Shoe store last night... Cleaned the place out, nothing left but work boots...
- I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow. When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy... - last week, i saw the obituary of a dairy farmer. he's in a butter place now.
- What do you call a dog with no legs? Why would you call him, he can't come over.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Last place you put him.
Where do you bring a dog with no legs?
Drag race. - I was about to win a race but my phone went off and I stopped to answer it, in the end I finished last. I shouldn't have done it in the first place.
- Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear.
- What do you call a horse meat sandwich in Kentucky? Last placed.
- They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place... ...Tell that to the crab.
- My wife said I'm lucky to be married to a trophy wife. I said to her, they giving out last place trophies?
Resting Place Jokes
Here is a list of funny resting place jokes and even better resting place puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm starting a new business tomorrow. It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
I'm calling it, "Resolutions." - When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection... It will be my Vinyl resting place
- The man who rests on his laurels… ….is wearing them in the wrong place.
— Harold Coffin - Mosquito came buzzing up and landed on me, said, "I just need a place to rest and maybe a bite to eat." I said, "I feel you."
Best Work Place Jokes
Here is a list of funny best work place jokes and even better best work place puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Where's the best place to work if you want to make a lot of money? The mint.
Hilarious Place Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about place you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean position jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make place pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wireless Internet is like s**...
You still want it, even if it's unprotected and in a public place.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was chatting it up with the receptionist at the s**... bank
And I said "You know, I really love this place. I come here all the time."
What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado?
The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown
A tip for Snowden.
Apparently he is traveling all of the world but if you never want to appear in front of an American judge there is only one place to go...
Guantanomo bay
A drunk is walking around downtown...
When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
A kangaroo walks into a bar
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.
Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."
The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."
Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?
In a stable environment.
Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...
On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had s**.... I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
"Cool, where'd you get that?" says the bartender. "Africa", replies the parrot. "They're all over the place."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...
And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.
Pedro was driving down a street when...
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their p**...?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went up to a s**... girl in a bar.
I said, "Would you like to come back to my place?"
"I think you should ask my boyfriend first." she smiled.
I said, "No thanks. I'm not gay."
A German man goes on holiday
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
A Mexican man was visiting America.
He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.
Milk joke
Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US...
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one."
Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?
Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a pirate's favourite...
What's a pirate's favourite architectural feature?
An *arrr*ch.
What's a pirate's favourite place to play?
A p*arrr*k.
What's a pirate's favourite thing to do to women?
r**....
I never understood why society romanticises pirates.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar
Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."
The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where's the best place to hide after committing m**...?
Behind a badge.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay s**... scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene
Weinstein said that the s**... scene usually takes place before he approves a movie
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?
Can I c**... at your place tonight?
I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".
But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?
2nd place in a presidential election.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an e**....
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
I went to a restaurant.
It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**
Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.
My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry
... but you can't count Missouri twice.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..
...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....
How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.
So nice of her to save me the gas money.
Common English Mistakes
Common English Mistakes
-mixing up there, their, and they're
-using the wrong too, to, or two
-putting commas in the wrong place
-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches
-using apostrophes for plurals
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
Just went to a BBQ place..
Me: I'll have 6 ribs please
Waiter: We only serve those in quantities of 3, 5, 7, or 13.
Turns out it was prime rib.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.
A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies
In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you £20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.
20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets £20 to give.
Her boyfriend said "I can't take this, I have seen the movie before."
She replies, "So have I but I didn't think lightning would strike twice in the same place!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can't take it with you
A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does as asked and soon after the man dies.
A few months later the wife is cleaning out the attic and finds the suitcase. "s**... idiot" she says "I knew I should have put it in the basement."
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
Where is the worst place to hide if you are having a game of hide and seek in a hospital ?
The ICU
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I encountered a m**... at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake？
A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.
He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A World War 2 joke
Stalin and h**... died and were recieved in h**... by Satan.
Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in h**... for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .
While waiting, h**... got bored and asked Stalin to tell him a joke.
Stalin said one word, "Moscow."
h**..., after a long and hard thought, replied, "I don't get it."
Stalin laughs merrily and says, "Exactly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scotsman
A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. Did you smell that? she asked her husband. It smells absolutely incredible! Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought what the h**...…I'll treat her!
So, they walked past the place again!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Draco Malfoy's f**... service take place outside?
Because he hated grief indoors.
A Russian worker standing in a liquor line says: I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.
Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.
His friends ask, Did you get him?
No, the line there was even longer than the line here.
A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"
"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."
Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"
"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."
Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*
His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."
My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...
I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
A girl I was dating invited me over to her place. When I went into her room, she had a Soviet banner draped on her wall. I left immediately.
It was a big red flag.
I had a job offer in Newark, but I heard it's dangerous...
So I called a friend of a friend who lives there. He said, "It has a bad reputation, but if you use basic caution and common sense, it can be a fun, vibrant place to live."
I said, "Cool! By the way, what do you do there?"
He said, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
I donate my O- blood as often as allowed, but I don't do it to help others.
The blood donation center is just the only place I can go where I'm everyone's type.
I was in an interview and they asked me where I see myself in 10 years
I said the same place I see myself now, in the mirror
