The Best 57 Pistol Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Pistol jokes. There are some pistol uzi jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pistol revolver puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Pistol Jokes and Puns
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Water Pistol
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''
Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''
Ready, Set, Go...
Did you hear about the muslim who was shot by a starting pistol?
It was race related.
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl......
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
A Dog Walks Into Bar...
A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "We don't serve dogs in here," pulls out a pistol and shoots the dog in a hind paw. The dog hops yelping out of the bar.
The next day the dog walks back into the bar with a huge bandage on his hind foot. He's wearing a ten-gallon hat and has a six-gun on each hip.
He looks at everyone in the bar and says...
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
An elderly woman's husband dies
and she is so shackled with grief she wants to kill herself. She decides to use his old service pistol to shoot herself in the heart. She asks her doctor where her heart is to which he responds "right below your left breast". The next day she was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.
A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."
The monk then pulls out a pistol from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."
You can explore pistol gun reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pistol rifle dad jokes. There are also pistol puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A Russian joke about the police.
A police officer is called up by his boss and he says:
-I've been looking through the records and you haven't been collecting your paycheck.
The officer replies:
-Paycheck? I thought we just get a pistol and then we're on our own!
Thief and a congressman
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
Short gun story
A man walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a colt 45 model 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who is sleeping with my wife!"
A voice yelled from the back of the bar, "You're gonna need more ammo!"
A woman is suicidally depressed
She's quite obese, unattractive, and lonely. Life having dealt her a bad hand, she buys a pistol and resolves to end her own life.
Wanting it to be quick, she calls her doctor to ask him where the heart is.
"It's right under the left breast", he replies.
So she hangs up, takes a deep breath, and shoots herself in the knee.
Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.
Police think it was race related.
You know you're addicted to games...
When you walk into the bank and see a camera and your first instinct is to take your 9mm pistol to shoot it.
News just in:
Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!
Police think it might be race related..............
When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber pistol for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, Strip down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
Did you hear about the guy that got murdered by a starter pistol?
Cops said it was race related
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
I cocked my pistol and asked my girlfriend, "Any last words?"
4 hours later, I shot her.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters
Wife : never
H : pistol, three letters
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
W : Up
Its so cold outside today
I was mugged by a guy using a water pistol.
A man was shot earlier today with a starter's pistol
Police suspect the incident was race related.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.
Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a crowded bar holding a pistol and yells I have a 45 caliber colt 1911 with one in the chamber and I wanna know who's been sleeping with my wife .
A voice from the back of the room yells
You're going to need more ammo
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
A police officer candidate goes for an interview...
The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.
You wouldn't believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the pistol back into his waistband.
Did you hear about the guy that was shot with the starter pistol ?
I guess it was race related !
Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?
Detectives believe it was race related.
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher,
however no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...
Get set.....
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...
Karl Marx
Karl Marx ia a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister and brother: Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol, and Skid, who was generally unpopular.
Today I found out Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol
Her name was Onya
A husband is doing crosswords with his wife.
**Husband:** Emphatic no; five letters.
**Wife:** Never.
**H:** Pistol; three letters.
**W:** Gun.
**H:** Disgust; three letters.
**W:** Ugh.
**H:** Charity; four letters.
**W:** Give.
**H:** Female sheep; three letters.
**W:** Ewe.
**H:** Pixar movie; two letters.
**W:** Up.
Karl Marx is a historical figure but nobody mentions his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol
Not mine
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!
The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
Everyone has heard of Karl Marx, but no one remembers his sister, Onya…
…who invented the starting pistol.
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,
he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Did you hear about the guy who got shot by a starter pistol ?
Police believe it was race related.
Karl Marx is historically famous, but no one ever mentions his sister Onya and her contribution.
She invented the starting pistol.
A man has been shot with a starting pistol.
Police are pretty sure it's race related.
My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....
..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.
You're in Africa, a Lion and a Jaguar are in front of you, but your pistol only has one round left. What do you do?
Shoot the Lion, get in the Jaguar and drive away.
A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his
unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"
A panda bear walks into a restaurant
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out of the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading 'Panda'. It reads:
'Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.'
So I was doing crossword with my girlfriend,
Me: Emphatic no, five letters.
She: **Never**
Me: Pistol, 3 letters.
She: **Gun**
Me: Disgust, 3 letters.
She: **Ugh**
Me: Charity, 4 letters.
She: **Give**
Me: Female sheep, 3 letters
She: **Ewe**
Me: Pixar movie, 2 letters
She: **Up**
I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.
She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
What do a pistol and candy have in common?
When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.
A bunch of stoned dudes decide to play Russian roulette
After they pick who goes first, a guy grabs the pistol, puts it to his head and pulls the trigger — BAAM! — He falls on the ground dead
Everyone is terrified, but they go on.
The second guy grabs the pistol, puts it to his head and pulls the trigger — BAAM! — There is a huge hole in his temple
Finally, the third guy grabs the pistol, puts it to his head, gets ready to pull the trigger... Then he suddenly stops, thinks for a moment and asks:
"Don't they play Russian roulette with revolvers?"
Karl Marx is a historically famous figure…
But nobody ever mentions his sister, Onya, who invented the starter pistol.
March 2023, one year into the Ukraine war
A scowling man said to himself as he walked: No hamburgers, no coffee, not even toiletries...
At this time, police in plainclothes came over and whispered to him: I warn you, if you slander great Russia under Putin's leadership like this, I will hit you with a pistol on the head!
The man looked at him and continued to talk to himself: Look, no bullets.
A man has been admitted to hospital after being shot with a starter pistol.
Police think it's race related.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pistol semiautomatic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working pistol kneecap piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.