Pistol Jokes
85 pistol jokes and hilarious pistol puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pistol that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a few good laughs? This article contains some of the best Pistol Jokes around! From starting pistols to water guns to gats, get ready to fire off some chuckles. We guarantee a few giggles, but no gunmen!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Pistol Short Jokes
Short pistol jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pistol humour may include short handgun jokes also.
- American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection. Librarians will be issued silencers.
- To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins... ...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.
- Pittsburgh shooter Robert Bowers was arrested trying to sneak the pistols back into his gun cabinet. At least he remembered to put the Glocks back.
Share These Pistol Jokes With Friends
Pistol One Liners
Which pistol one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pistol? I can suggest the ones about rifle and firearm.
- Did you hear about the t-rex who sells pistols? He's a small arms dealer
- At the Special Olympics they don't use starter pistols... They use Spud Guns.
- I cocked my p**... and asked my girlfriend, "Any last words?" 4 hours later, I shot her.
- Its so cold outside today I was mugged by a guy using a water p**....
- Your daddy is so s**..... that he played Russian roulette with a Glock p**...
- Chuck Norris once killed 50 people with his p**.... Then, he started shooting.
- What is a Madden player's favorite formation? p**....
- You think you're a true fan of the s**... Pistols? Name two of their albums.
- What p**... goes good on a baked potato? SIG Sauer cream.
- Did you hear about that son-of-a-gun comedian? He was a real p**....
Gather Around for Fun Pistol Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about pistol you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean machine gun jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pistol pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a p**...
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a p**... were exploring the seven seas when they came across an island inhabited by cannibals. After eating their victims, these cannibals would use their victim's skin to make canoes.
They were captured, and each one was given the option to kill himself, and choose how he would die.
The Englishman was first and requested a p**.... " For the Queen!!" he yelled, and shot himself in the head.
The Frenchmen was next, and requested a Sabre. "Viva La France!!" He exclaimed, before running himself through with the sword.
Its the p**...'s turn. He requests a fork. "A Fork?" The chief cannibal asks. "Yes, a fork"
The p**... grabs the fork, begins to stab himself repeatedly in the chest and yells "I HOPE YOUR BOAT SINKS!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A panda bear walks into a bar...
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a p**..., kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, What do you want?
The bartender replies, First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.
The panda bear turns around and says, Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!
The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:
Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets pulled over...
A man gets pulled over and the police officer approaches the driver's window. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver says, "No sir." The cop says "Well son, you were speeding. Now please hand me your license and registration." The driver pulls out his license and says, "Well my registration is in the glove box, but I have to warn you, there is a loaded p**... in there." The cop is taken aback and places a hand on his own weapon. "Why do you have a loaded gun?" "Well it's what I used to kill the guy in my trunk." The cop then freaks out a little and calls for backup. While waiting, he has the driver toss his keys to the road and keep his hands up. Backup arrives, and they get him into the back of the squad car. Shortly after, their chief pulls up.
"Alright sir, we are going to retrieve the gun from the glove box, and the body from the trunk. We need you to identify the body, and then we will take you to the station for holding."
The driver says, "Sir there's no dead body in my trunk, nor is there a gun in the glove box...I bet he told you I was speeding too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandmother's p**...
My grandmother got pulled over for speeding. She rolled down her window and talked to the cop. He asked for her registration, and she said,
"Sure, i'll give it to you, but i want to warn you, I've got a Colt 45 in the glovebox."
As he reviewed her licence and reg, the cop asked her about any other weapons she had.
She admitted she had 2 other revolvers- one under her seat and one in her purse.
"3 pistols in your car!" said the cop, "What are you so afraid of?"
She said, "I am not afraid of anything!"
(did i read this here?)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cowboy and his lady are riding in the desert
Out of nowhere, their horse stumbles. The cowboy gets down, steps in front of the horse and says, "that's one."
A few miles later, the horse stumbles again. The cowboy climbs down, looks at the horse and says, "that's two."
Further down the path, the horse stumbles a third time. The cowboy gets off, pulls out his p**..., and shoots the horse dead.
The cowboy's lady starts yelling. "What have you done? That was our only horse and we're miles away from any towns. We will never make it through this desert on foot!" The cowboy looks at her and says, "that's one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Only in Australia
A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Land Cruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's k**... and squealing so much I can't get him free," he said.
"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 'cruiser there's a p**.... Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 15 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem now?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the fender and flashing blue light is jammed in the wheel-well."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Water p**...
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''
Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ready, Set, Go...
Did you hear about the muslim who was shot by a starting p**...?
It was race related.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl......
A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his p**..., and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The r**... girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In America we have so many i**... aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
UNBELIEVABLE!!! Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber p**... !
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
While out hiking in Alberta, Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Look it up in the dictionary
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a p**..., kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads:
"panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are you saying that if I shoot you with a p**..., you won't get hurt?
Why don't you give it a shot?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 gunmen died from a car c**......
... when the devil shows up, and holds up a key. He says 'I will let one of you go, if you get this key.'
The three men look at each other, and realize that if any one of them were to take it, the other two would shoot them. So they agree to have a duel - each of them can choose a weapon for the duel, and they agree to shoot at 10 paces.
'I'll take this one' said the first gunman, grabbing a large p**... with a lot of rounds.
'I want this one!' said the second, taking one with a laser pointer.
'Ummm... That one!' said the third, who grabbed a lasso.
The others stare at him in disbelief, but let hi choose it anyway.
They place the key on top of a little mound of rock, and each take 10 steps from that rock. Then the instant they do, they take aim. Not caring about the third gunman, the first gunman points his gun at the second, and the second at the first. They look viciously into each others eyes.
Then they look at the third gunman, who's disappeared with the key.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets r**... by a bear while hunting...
and the bear runs off before he can shoot it.
The next weekend, he comes back with 2 guns and a bear trap, but the wily bear somehow sneaks up on him and rapes him AGAIN!
The third weekend, the guy comes back with a knife, a p**..., a shotgun, a rifle, 2 bear traps and a taser. As he is setting up his array of weapons, he feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to find himself face to face with the bear, who says "Let's be honest, mister. You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Concealed Carry
Got another concealed carry p**... yesterday.
In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the p**... and ammo, the cashier said, "s**... down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Take a p**...
1. Take a p**...
2. Point it to your head
3. Pull the trigger
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian joke about the police.
A police officer is called up by his boss and he says:
-I've been looking through the records and you haven't been collecting your paycheck.
The officer replies:
-Paycheck? I thought we just get a p**... and then we're on our own!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam
A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 p**... across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this p**...; go out and shoot six i**... aliens, six m**... dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.
"That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Koala walks into a bar...
A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a BLT sandwich. The Koala eats the BLT sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a p**... out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you're going!?" The Koala replies, "Hey, I'm a Koala. Look it up." The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: The dictionary said "n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nobody wants to play laser tag with me…
They always say I get too into it when I start p**... whipping everyone.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you were locked in a room with Trump and Clinton
And it was just you, them, and a p**... with one bullet...
Which one would you shoot and which would you bludgeon to death with the p**...?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard they were going to ask...
...a mother superior to fire the p**... at the next Boston Marathon, but that idea was shot down pretty quickly. So...kind of a nun starter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple was on their honeymoon
They decided to go for a ride on a stage coach. So they took a horse and a stage coach and went for a ride along the coast.
Suddenly the horse trips and almost falls down, shaking the stage coach, but keeps going. The man says loudly "one!"
After a couple hundred meters the horse trips again, and the man says "two!"
After another couple hundred meters the horse trips again. The man says "three!", takes a p**... and a shoots down the horse.
His wife, in chock, starts screaming "oh my god! What have you done?! Why have you killed the horse?! You're a monster! I should never have married you!"
To which the man replies "one!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar with a p**... that shoots blanks.
The bartender says "you can stay, but don't start anything."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On an airplane to Alaska I was talking with the man next to me about fishing the rivers.
He asked if I'd thought about protecting myself from bears.
I proudly told him about the small caliber p**... I had for protection.
The man then asked "Have you filed off the sights?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know you're addicted to games...
When you walk into the bank and see a camera and your first instinct is to take your 9mm p**... to shoot it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
News just in:
Someone has been killed with a starter p**... !!!
Police think it might be race related..............
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
White taking a gun safety class, I was looking into the barrel of a p**... when the gun accidentally fired.
It really opened my eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't believe what this country has come to. There was another shooting today
The guy used a starting p**.... Police are saying it was race related
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a cowboy goes riding on his horse why does he bring his p**...?
For an emergency breaking device.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids come in and share their stories. "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a p**..., and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands."
"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found out today that a guy was shot outside my local bank with a starting p**...
The police are saying it was race related.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the policeman put his p**... in the pencil sharpener ?
Because he didn't think he was enough of a sharp shooter
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man looking to join the Texas sheriffs is being interviewed for the job
The deputy doing the interview says, "Well all of your referrences check out and your qualifications are good. The only thing left is to see how you do on the attitude test."
The deputy slides a service p**... and a box of ammo across the desk. "Take this and go shoot 6 i**... Mexicans, 6 black guys, 6 Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
The guy asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude!", says the deputy. "When can you start?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was hiking with my buddy. Suddenly, a 10ft grizzly bear appeared out of nowhere.
The bear started to charge at both of us. Luckily, I had my 9mm p**... with me. One shot to my buddy's kneecap was all it took. I walked away at a comfortable pace.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was in an interview for a job as a sprinter.
The guy said, "When can you start?"
I said, "After the sounding p**..., of course."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do cops shoot black people?
Because they'd get in more trouble if they p**... whip them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An athlete is about to start the four hundred metre race. He sets himself ready at the starting blocks and the starter p**... fires.
As he's half way through the race he peaks around to see how his apponents are doing.
To his suprise, they're all miles behind.
Bizzarly, one seems to be actually running backwards. One is walking on his hands, making slow progress. Two are piggy backing each other, taking turns, and another is simply standing on the starting line.
He reaches the finish line and claims first place. He approaches the race official and asks, "what's going on? I thought this would be competitive."
"Oh, the real race is later today", the race official replies, "that was the d**... run".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.
The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"
The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The mobster puts a p**... to the accountant's head. "Ask him again!"
The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
"Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"
"What'd he say?" asks the don.
"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today my best friend and bro was killed with a starter p**....
Police think it might be race related.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man was reportedly killed with a starting p**...
They're treating it as a race related incident.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This evening, my friend who watches One Piece pretend punched me saying, "Gum-Gum p**..."
His body's in the trunk now. That *bleeeeeep* had been watching the dubbed version.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was shot with a starting p**... and then beaten to death with a relay baton.
Police believe it may be race related.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter p**...?
Police think it is race-related
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The 2024 Olympics should be held in Chicago.
So they can figure out which gunshot is the starting p**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer candidate goes for an interview...
The officer says, "Take this p**... and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 p**...?
Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian Cossack, an American Cowboy, and a Mexican Bandito are sitting on a ridge getting drunk at their camp.
After some merriment, the Cossack rises to his feet, throws his bottle of v**... into the air, pulls out his p**... and shoots it and says "Ah, we have too much of that in my country anyway." The Bandito looks at the bottle of tequila in his hand, then throws it, pulls his p**..., shoots it out of the air, and says "Ay, we have too much of that in *my* country." The Cowboy then stands up, shoves the Bandito off the edge of the ridge, and shoots him in the back as he falls. He then turns to the startled Cossack and says...
"Sonuvabitch killed my father."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting p**... at someone.
They are treating the offence as race related.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once a panda walked into a restaurant...
...and ordered a hamburger and some fries. The waiter was surprised to see a panda in the bar but served him thinking it to be an intelligent animal as it ordered it's own food.
The panda finished its food and as it saw the waiter approaching it with the bill, it got up and shot him with a p**.... Fortunately, the wound was not fatal and the waiter lived. As the panda was leaving, the waiter croaked, "Why?".
The panda stops, turns around and whips out an encyclopedia page about pandas. It was very old and wasn't properly punctuated. It read, "Pandas: Eats, shoots and leaves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three frogs are sitting on a lily
The first frog goes "Croak"
The second frog says "Croak"
The third frog says "Ribbit"
The first frog pulls out a p**... and shoots the third one. Puzzled the second frog asks why. The first frog puts the p**... away and says "He knew too much"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting p**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just by your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cowboy walks into a bar.
There are 3 ladies sitting at the bar and he whips out his p**... and BOOM, shoots the lady on the left, BANG, shoots the lady on the right. He goes up to the last lady and says, "what's a pretty lady like you doing here all by herself?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....
..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the p**... and the shovel are for though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You're in Africa, a Lion and a Jaguar are in front of you, but your p**... only has one round left. What do you do?
Shoot the Lion, get in the jaguar and drive away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Panda's Day Out
A panda walks into high-end restaurant and sits down at a table. A waiter quickly asks for the order and brings it to him after thirty minutes.
After the delicious meal, the panda asks for the bill. As soon as the waiter brings it, the panda whips out a p**... and shoots him. The waiter dies on the spot and the panda runs away.
The police are called and owner explains the situation. But the police refuse to investigate. When the puzzled owner enquires why, the police just show a dictionary. It says,
"*Panda: A type of bear that eats shoots and leaves*"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
She said, I'd like a p**.... Maybe a Glock?
She gave me a t-shirt with a target on it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A panda bear walks into a restaurant
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a p**..., kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out of the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading 'Panda'. It reads:
'Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bunch of s**... dudes decide to play Russian roulette
After they pick who goes first, a guy grabs the p**..., puts it to his head and pulls the trigger — BAAM! — He falls on the ground dead
Everyone is terrified, but they go on.
The second guy grabs the p**..., puts it to his head and pulls the trigger — BAAM! — There is a huge hole in his temple
Finally, the third guy grabs the p**..., puts it to his head, gets ready to pull the trigger... Then he suddenly stops, thinks for a moment and asks:
"Don't they play Russian roulette with revolvers?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
March 2023, one year into the Ukraine war
A scowling man said to himself as he walked: No hamburgers, no coffee, not even toiletries...
At this time, police in plainclothes came over and whispered to him: I warn you, if you slander great Russia under Putin's leadership like this, I will hit you with a p**... on the head!
The man looked at him and continued to talk to himself: Look, no bullets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather gave me the Luger p**... he took from a German soldier he shot
I had no idea that at his advanced age, he was shooting people in foreign countries and smuggling weapons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Richard Marx was a famous singer in the 80s
But did you know his sister, Onya, invented the starter p**...?
