Pistol Jokes
109 pistol jokes and hilarious pistol puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pistol that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a few good laughs? This article contains some of the best Pistol Jokes around! From starting pistols to water guns to gats, get ready to fire off some chuckles. We guarantee a few giggles, but no gunmen!
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Funniest Pistol Short Jokes
Short pistol jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pistol humour may include short handgun jokes also.
- American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection. Librarians will be issued silencers.
- To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins... ...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.
- Pittsburgh shooter Robert Bowers was arrested trying to sneak the pistols back into his gun cabinet. At least he remembered to put the Glocks back.
- Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his p**... back in his pocket.
- Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter p**...? Police think it is race-related
- Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter p**... at the athletics track. Police think it was race related.
- A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter's p**.... Police suspect that the crime is race related.
- Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx. But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting p**....
- Karl Marx is a historically famous figure… But nobody ever mentions his sister, Onya, who invented the starter p**....
- When I lost my p**..., the Army charged me $125. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
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Pistol One Liners
Which pistol one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pistol? I can suggest the ones about rifle and firearm.
- What do you call a T rex that sells pistols for a living A small arms dealer
- Why do gangsters hold their pistols sideways? Because that's how it comes in the box :D
- Did you hear about the t-rex who sells pistols? He's a small arms dealer
- At the Special Olympics they don't use starter pistols... They use Spud Guns.
- A man has been shot with a starting p**.... Police are pretty sure it's race related.
- Today I found out Karl Marx's sister invented the starting p**... Her name was Onya
- I cocked my p**... and asked my girlfriend, "Any last words?" 4 hours later, I shot her.
- Its so cold outside today I was mugged by a guy using a water p**....
- Have you heard of Karl Marx's sister, Anya Marx? She invented the starting p**...
- Your daddy is so s**..... that he played Russian roulette with a Glock p**...
- It is so cold here that, Anyone can rob us by just showing a water p**....
- Chuck Norris once killed 50 people with his p**.... Then, he started shooting.
- What is a Madden player's favorite formation? p**....
- You think you're a true fan of the s**... Pistols? Name two of their albums.
- Do you know why a p**... is better then a woman? You can put a silencer in the p**....
Starting Pistol Jokes
Here is a list of funny starting pistol jokes and even better starting pistol puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Everyone has heard of Karl Marx, but no one remembers his sister, Onya… …who invented the starting p**....
- Get set..... Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting p**......
- Karl Marx is historically famous, but no one ever mentions his sister Onya and her contribution. She invented the starting p**....
- Karl Marx Karl Marx ia a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister and brother: Onya, the inventor of the starting p**..., and Skid, who was generally unpopular.
- Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, however no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting p**......
- Karl Marx is a historical figure but nobody mentions his sister Onya, who invented the starting p**... Not mine
- Ready, Set, Go... Did you hear about the muslim who was shot by a starting p**...?
It was race related. - UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting p**... at someone. They are treating the offence as race related.
- The 2024 Olympics should be held in Chicago. So they can figure out which gunshot is the starting p**....
- I can't believe what this country has come to. There was another shooting today The guy used a starting p**.... Police are saying it was race related
9mm Pistol Jokes
Here is a list of funny 9mm pistol jokes and even better 9mm pistol puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You know you're addicted to games... When you walk into the bank and see a camera and your first instinct is to take your 9mm p**... to shoot it.
Water Pistol Jokes
Here is a list of funny water pistol jokes and even better water pistol puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's so freezing cold outside that anybody can mug me with even a water p**...
Gather Around for Fun Pistol Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about pistol you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean machine gun jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pistol pranks.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: p**..., 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Water p**...
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''
Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''
A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl......
A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his p**..., and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The r**... girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In America we have so many i**... aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
A Dog Walks Into Bar...
A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "We don't serve dogs in here," pulls out a p**... and shoots the dog in a hind paw. The dog hops yelping out of the bar.
The next day the dog walks back into the bar with a huge bandage on his hind foot. He's wearing a ten-gallon hat and has a six-gun on each hip.
He looks at everyone in the bar and says...
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A rubber band p**... was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Always been a family favourite.
An elderly woman's husband dies
and she is so shackled with grief she wants to kill herself. She decides to use his old service p**... to shoot herself in the heart. She asks her doctor where her heart is to which he responds "right below your left breast". The next day she was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her left knee.
A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."
The monk then pulls out a p**... from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a p**..., and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. o**... opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."
A Russian joke about the police.
A police officer is called up by his boss and he says:
-I've been looking through the records and you haven't been collecting your paycheck.
The officer replies:
-Paycheck? I thought we just get a p**... and then we're on our own!
Thief and a congressman
A thief stuck a p**... in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
A congressman was walking down the street
A congressman was walking down the street when suddenly a thief jumps in front of him. The thief stuck a p**... in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
Short gun story
A man walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered p**... and yelled, "I have a colt 45 model 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who is sleeping with my wife!"
A voice yelled from the back of the bar, "You're gonna need more ammo!"
A woman is suicidally depressed
She's quite obese, unattractive, and lonely. Life having dealt her a bad hand, she buys a p**... and resolves to end her own life.
Wanting it to be quick, she calls her doctor to ask him where the heart is.
"It's right under the left breast", he replies.
So she hangs up, takes a deep breath, and shoots herself in the knee.
I stole a p**... made from gelatin the other day...
I was arrested for having a congealed weapon.
On an airplane to Alaska I was talking with the man next to me about fishing the rivers.
He asked if I'd thought about protecting myself from bears.
I proudly told him about the small caliber p**... I had for protection.
The man then asked "Have you filed off the sights?"
News just in:
Someone has been killed with a starter p**... !!!
Police think it might be race related..............
White taking a gun safety class, I was looking into the barrel of a p**... when the gun accidentally fired.
It really opened my eyes.
A hike with my girlfriend
Once I was hiking in the woods with my girlfriend when suddenly a huge bear charged right at us. We must've gotten close to her cubs or something. Luckily, I had my 9mm p**... with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took to get away.
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
I was hiking with my buddy. Suddenly, a 10ft grizzly bear appeared out of nowhere.
The bear started to charge at both of us. Luckily, I had my 9mm p**... with me. One shot to my buddy's kneecap was all it took. I walked away at a comfortable pace.
Did you hear about the guy that got murdered by a starter p**...?
Cops said it was race related
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
Today, I donated my wallet, and my watch to a homeless guy. You will not believe the joy that overcame me as i saw him
put his p**... back in his pocket.
A depressed old woman decides it's time to end it all..
so she purchases a p**... and decides she is going to shoot herself in the heart. However, wanting to make sure that death is quick, she visits her doctor to inquire the exact location of the heart. Her doctor informs her that the heart is located just under the left breast, after which she thanks him and returns home.
Later that evening the old woman is rushed to the emergency room with a gunshot to the left knee.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters
Wife : never
H : p**..., three letters
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
W : Up
A man was shot earlier today with a starter's p**...
Police suspect the incident was race related.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He t**... the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even p**... whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.
Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a crowded bar holding a p**... and yells I have a 45 caliber colt 1911 with one in the chamber and I wanna know who's been sleeping with my wife .
A voice from the back of the room yells
You're going to need more ammo
A police officer candidate goes for an interview...
The officer says, "Take this p**... and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 p**...?
Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.
You wouldn't believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the p**... back into his waistband.
Did you hear about the guy that was shot with the starter p**... ?
I guess it was race related !
Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter p**... at an event?
Detectives believe it was race related.
Crossword solving husband
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: p**..., 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up
Everyone knows the famous communist Karl Marx.
But I bet you never knew the inventor of the starter p**... was his sister, Onya.
A husband is doing crosswords with his wife.
**Husband:** Emphatic no; five letters.
**Wife:** Never.
**H:** p**...; three letters.
**W:** Gun.
**H:** Disgust; three letters.
**W:** Ugh.
**H:** Charity; four letters.
**W:** Give.
**H:** Female sheep; three letters.
**W:** Ewe.
**H:** Pixar movie; two letters.
**W:** Up.
A thief stuck a p**... in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!
The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,
he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Did you hear about the guy who got shot by a starter p**... ?
Police believe it was race related.
A cowboy walks into a bar.
There are 3 ladies sitting at the bar and he whips out his p**... and BOOM, shoots the lady on the left, BANG, shoots the lady on the right. He goes up to the last lady and says, "what's a pretty lady like you doing here all by herself?"
My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....
..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the p**... and the shovel are for though.
You're in Africa, a Lion and a Jaguar are in front of you, but your p**... only has one round left. What do you do?
Shoot the Lion, get in the jaguar and drive away.
A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his
unholstered p**... and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"
Panda's Day Out
A panda walks into high-end restaurant and sits down at a table. A waiter quickly asks for the order and brings it to him after thirty minutes.
After the delicious meal, the panda asks for the bill. As soon as the waiter brings it, the panda whips out a p**... and shoots him. The waiter dies on the spot and the panda runs away.
The police are called and owner explains the situation. But the police refuse to investigate. When the puzzled owner enquires why, the police just show a dictionary. It says,
"*Panda: A type of bear that eats shoots and leaves*"
Asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
She said, I'd like a p**.... Maybe a Glock?
She gave me a t-shirt with a target on it.
A panda bear walks into a restaurant
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a p**..., kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out of the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading 'Panda'. It reads:
'Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.'
So I was doing crossword with my girlfriend,
Me: Emphatic no, five letters.
She: **Never**
Me: p**..., 3 letters.
She: **Gun**
Me: Disgust, 3 letters.
She: **Ugh**
Me: Charity, 4 letters.
She: **Give**
Me: Female sheep, 3 letters
She: **Ewe**
Me: Pixar movie, 2 letters
She: **Up**
I accused my wife of putting glue on my p**... collection.
She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
What do a p**... and candy have in common?
When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.
A bunch of s**... dudes decide to play Russian roulette
After they pick who goes first, a guy grabs the p**..., puts it to his head and pulls the trigger — BAAM! — He falls on the ground dead
Everyone is terrified, but they go on.
The second guy grabs the p**..., puts it to his head and pulls the trigger — BAAM! — There is a huge hole in his temple
Finally, the third guy grabs the p**..., puts it to his head, gets ready to pull the trigger... Then he suddenly stops, thinks for a moment and asks:
"Don't they play Russian roulette with revolvers?"
March 2023, one year into the Ukraine war
A scowling man said to himself as he walked: No hamburgers, no coffee, not even toiletries...
At this time, police in plainclothes came over and whispered to him: I warn you, if you slander great Russia under Putin's leadership like this, I will hit you with a p**... on the head!
The man looked at him and continued to talk to himself: Look, no bullets.
A man has been admitted to hospital after being shot with a starter p**....
Police think it's race related.
My grandfather gave me the Luger p**... he took from a German soldier he shot
I had no idea that at his advanced age, he was shooting people in foreign countries and smuggling weapons.
Richard Marx was a famous singer in the 80s
But did you know his sister, Onya, invented the starter p**...?
A guy walks into a bar waving a p**...
He yells I've got a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber, now I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!
A guy from the back of the room calls out you're gonna need more ammo!
A man has been shot with a starter p**... at London Stadium.
Police do not think it is race related.