Pissed Off Jokes
105 pissed off jokes and hilarious pissed off puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pissed off that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pissed Off Short Jokes
Short pissed off jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pissed off humour may include short infuriated jokes also.
- How do you p**... off a female archaeologist? Give her a used t**... and ask her what period it came from.
- Putin met with Zalenskyy and said "After I die, I bet you'll p**... on my grave" And Zalenskyy said "No, after I got out of the army I promised myself I would never wait in a line again"
- Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like... trying to organize the p**... section in a swimming pool.
- How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get p**... when it won't screw
- I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website. Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the p**...-taking b**....
- My wife is p**... off at me... She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently "honey, don't worry, your t**... will cover it up" was not the right answer.
- Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.
So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really p**... at me now.. - Scam. I am p**... off, I sent off $1,500 for a book on how to scam people.
I have been waiting four months and it still hasn't arrived. - This p**... off guy bursts into a bar full of people with a rifle. Who the h**...'s the a**... who slept with my wife?!
Some guy answers:
Woah! Woah dude! You're gonna need more bullets. - A drunk American was p**... on a street in Germany When a German girl walks by and screams Ah Nein! The American guy says, I'm flattered but I think it's closer to 8.
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Pissed Off One Liners
Which pissed off one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pissed off? I can suggest the ones about angry and enraged.
- I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today His parents were p**....
- Everyone in my family is bad at holding in their p**.... Sadly, it runs in our jeans.
- how do you p**... lady gaga off? poke her face
- I found a new way to p**... off grammar n**... Well, sort've.
- Went to McDonald's today and ate a kid's meal. He cried and his mom was p**....
- How do you p**... off an archeologist? Ask her why she dates everything she sees
- I ate a kids meal at McDonald's for lunch today His mom was p**...
- I saw a sign that made me p**... myself today, it said: Toilets closed
- Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a p**...? Silent p.
- I found a fly on the edge of the u**... today I p**... him off
- What do you call an angry firearm? A p**...-tol.
- What do you call a nut that's really annoyed? A p**...-achio.
- If you think female squirt isn't p**...… Then u**... for a big surprise
- Just had a w**... about my ex She got hit by a bus and i p**... myself laughing
- I went to McDonald's and ate a kid's meal Boy, that kid's parents were p**... at me
Comical Pissed Off Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about pissed off you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean incensed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pissed off pranks.
A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a p**...'.
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
A little girl goes up to her mom and asks Why are you getting gray hair?
A little girl goes up to her mom and asks Why are you getting gray hair? The mother responds, well every time you do something that upsets me I vet a gray hair.
The girl thinks for a minute. Then says, wooow you must of really p**... off grandma.
He was right
I was walking down the street and a man offered to read me my fortune for $5. I agreed out of curiosity. He takes hold of my hand and then said you're gonna be p**... and took off running.
Friend: "You're a lot like Socrates"
Me: "Because I'm the wisest man around?"
Friend: "No, because you p**... everyone off"
Boy with Phenomenal Memory
A host enters the circus and announces:
"Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will enter the arena."
A boy enters the stage, drinks a bucket of water and leaves.
The audience begins to scream and express their displeasure.
Then again the host comes out and says: "And now a boy with a phenomenal memory will p**... on everyone who sits in the second row."
Everyone sitting in the second row jump up and start to run away.
Host: "Hiding is useless! The boy has a PHENOMENAL MEMORY!"
My uncle just saw his wanted picture at the courthouse and was p**...
Because he was framed
My wife asked me if I'd ever p**... in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.
My Wife responded 'What!? How can you p**... in the shower by accident? Twice!?'
And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a s**...'.
My neighbor visited my house the other day
He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?
12 I said.
A few days later he came back, pretty p**.... "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"
Yeah, so did I.
\*Heard in Dutch and translated.
The executioner is going to be p**... when he finds out we lost the basket from his guillotine.
I'm telling you, heads will roll!
Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again, he says.
The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. You missed the best act, says his friend. While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and p**... into the orchestra pit.
I think I need to stop p**... around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.
It's his birthday last month.
I miss the age where my biggest worry was how I would tell my mom I p**... the bed.
Oh to be 23 again
She said she was stripping to feed her kids.
Yet she got p**... at me when I stuck a can of green beans in her garter.
Zack late to his work
Zach's boss was super p**... as Zack was an hour late to the work because of the daylight savings time.
After the boss left, Zack kick a lamp to vent out his frustration.
Suddenly a genie appeared and said - you have made me free. I will grant you a wish.
Zack - Can you bring peace between Israel and Palestine?
Genie - That's not possible. Sorry you got to ask another wish.
Zack - Can you please explain me the benefit of daylight savings time?
Genie - Ahhh... Ok, I will call Netanyahu
A sailor and a marine walk into a bathroom at a bar
They both do their business, the sailor goes to wash his hands -- the marine heads to the door. The sailor sees this and says "You know, in the NAVY they taught us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom". The marine looks back at him and says "Oh yeah? Well, in the marines they taught us not to p**... on our hands"
Old men and their bathroom problems (Long)
Three men are sitting around the table at their nursing home talking about bathroom issues because of age. The first guy says.
"At 6 every morning I try and s**.... But I am so constipated it takes an hour." The second man speaks up.
"Every morning at 7 I try and p**.... But it is slow and just drips out." The 3rd man says.
"I have you both beat. Every Morning at 6 I take a huge c**.... must be a pound of turns there. Then at 7 I p**... heavy. must be a gallon of p**...." The other two men look confused.
"Why is that bad."
"I dont get out of bed until 9."
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
I was taking the p**... out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today.
He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.
A blind man was walking down the street
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.
The dog, at this point, started p**... on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a d**... treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a n**... deed.
The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his f**...' a**...."
What happened when Napoleon went to mount Olive?
Popeye got p**...
Guy was driving in the outback.
He decides he needs a break and finds a bar off the beaten track and parks his truck..
He goes i and was confronted by a lot off p**... up bikers.
They started insulting him, so he had one beer then left.
The bikers started shouting, he was not such of a man was he.?
The barman said not much of a driver either, he has just run over 21 motorcycles.
I named my enlarged prostate Gandalf
Because every time I try to go it shouts "YOU SHALL NOT p**...!"
A p**... drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...
When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.
He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"
The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig! He is a purebred French poodle!"
The man squints his eyes and is silent for a second. Then turns back to the lady and slurs once more:
"I wath tokking...to thuh Frensh poothle."
Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."
A wife calls her husband.
"The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink."
"Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?"
"What happened last time?"
"He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I p**... on him"
Why do you never want to scare a magician?
Because he'll p**... your pants.
What do you call a p**... off monkey?
Furious George.
English Football joke.
A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a
breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man
is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'
So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then
pulls out another card which read 'this man is anemic, please
do not take his blood'. Finally the police, getting p**... off asks
him to take a u**... test, finally the man pulled out his
Manchester United season ticket which read 'this man is a
Manchester United fan, please do not take the p**....
(Edit works with other teams as well.)
A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery
Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."
Worker: "What happened?"
Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."
Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."
Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."
Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"
Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a p**...."
The vaccine really p**... me off after I got it...
They gave me the 4g chip instead of the 5g one!
New job wants a u**... sample everyday
they're taking the p**...
Mr. O'Malley comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he needs to supply a u**... sample.
Mr. O'Malley is distraught because he has no idea what a u**... sample is. Mr. O'Malley asks his wife to go nextdoor and ask their neighbor for help.
Mrs. O'Malley comes back, beaten, bruised, and bloodied.
"What the b**... h**... happened to you, my love!?" exclaims Mr. O'Malley.
"I asked Mrs. Finnegan how you get a u**... sample," Mrs. O'Malley explains. "She said, 'Go p**... in a cup!' and I said, Go s**... In A Hat! And the fight was on."
Miss Drake, can I go to the bathroom? I need to p**....
"Billy, we don't say p**.... We say urinate. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Miss Drake."
"Very well. Now use the word urinate in a sentence."
"Miss Drake, urinate, but if you had any t**... you'd be a ten."
I once got fired from a clock factory.
and after all those extra hours I put in...
And then I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
And then I got fired from the calendar company. I put in 8 days a week and they were p**...!!!
Two Irishmen lose their oars
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!
The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams you m**...! Your haste decision has s**... us! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
Did you hear the inventor of spell check died?
May he rust in p**....
Told my ex I had a w**... about her last night
She fell off a cliff and I p**... myself laughing
I've made the decision I'm not going to have kids.
They are gonna be p**... off when I tell them.
Probably bad but why not. Al Pacino and a dwarf walk into a bar
The bartender asks Pacino what he wants to drink, but ignores the dwarf. This goes on for some time, until the dwarf gets p**... and tells Pacino. Pacino then pulls out a gun and points it at the bartender, and shouts "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!"
So this guard was escorting me out of the pool the other day…
I asked him why.
Because you p**... in the pool!
He shouted.
So what? everyone does!
I exclaimed.
To which he replied:
Well… yeah… but not from the diving board!
I was desperate for a p**... at the pool....
I was at the swimming pool last week, and you know when you're absolutely bursting for a p**... but the toilets are way over there?
I thought: "weeelllll..... everyone else does it..."
So I decided just to let one slip out in the pool.
The lifeguard must have spotted me though. He shouted at me so loud I nearly fell off the diving board.
At the u**...
Two man, p**... side by side.
"Sorry sir, do you happen to be of the Jewish faith?"
"Erh... yes I am."
"You are from Krakow?"
"Yes."
"And did you always go to the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street?"
"Yes, do we know each other?"
"I don't think so. But you were born between 1970 and 1980?"
"Yes, could you finally tell me where we met?"
"We have not met, sir. But in the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street in Krakow, Rabbi Goldberg war responsible for the bris in between 1970 and 1980. And the good Rabbi never managed to make a clean cut. And you're p**... on my shoes".
Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat
They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.
Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns black and foamy, pure Guinness.
"Whadda do that for ya feckin' idjit!" Yells his companion, "Now we have to p**... in the boat!"
Three automobile managers at the u**...
The first goes to the sink and dries his hands with so many paper towels that not even the smallest droplet remains. "At Opel, we learn to be extremely thorough," he says.
The second uses only one towel for this and remarks: "At BMW, we also learn to be extremely efficient."
The third walks past the sink and says, "At Daimler, we don't p**... all over our hands!"
City s**...
Joe Ed and Jim Bob met up with a city gal who was lookin for a good time. She ask if they wanted to have s**.... Both said they did. She gave each of them a c**... and told them to put it on their shaft and keep it on or she'd get pregnant. Both boys agreed and proceeded to have s**... with her. Next day Jim Bob said Joe Ed, I really don't care if she does get pregnant, let's take these things off and have a good p**....
During a water shortage, the government encouraged us to p**... in the shower to save the water from flushing
I now have to shower 3-4 times a day and it's not clear to me how this is helping with the water shortage…
Two Irishmen are stranded in the middle of the ocean
A bottle bobs up to their boat. One of the Irishmen opens the bottle and a genie comes out.
Thank you for freeing me! , says the Genie. In honour of your deed, I shall grant you one wish.
Before the first Irishman can get a word out, the second says Turn the whole ocean into Guinness!
The ocean turns a glistening black and the genie disappears. The first Irishman hits the second over the head and says,
Way to go, ya bleedin' idiot! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
I just saw a c**... fly across the room
Seemed to be p**... off.
A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.
The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.
The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.
The teacher walks out without washing his hands. "I was taught not to p**... on my hands.", he says.
Know what the difference is between the NYC subway and our public bathrooms is?
We don't let the homeless p**... in our public bathrooms.
My mate lets his dog drink beer with us every time we stay over.
One time the dog had about 4 or 5 bottles of the stuff in one evening.
I woke up the next morning in his flat to go for a pee and saw the dog lying awkwardly in his basket looking a bit worse for wear. Hung-over, I'm sure.
I said How you feeling buddy?! mid-p**... and to my surprise he responded with just the word: Rough
A highly successful blonde business woman was headed west
She was on her way to a work conference, driving through Arkansas.
As she's cruising along she comes across a farm and out in the middle of the field is a blonde in a rowboat, surrounded by cows, rowing like mad and going nowhere.
She's p**.... She pulls over and jumps out of her car, runs up to the fence, and begins shouting.
"I don't know who the h**... you are, but you're giving all of us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come over there and kick your a**...!"
Two recent college graduates walk into the mens room at the same time.
They proceed to the urinals to relieve their bladders. When they finish one walks to the sink and washes his hands.
The other about to exit without washing his hands.
Sink guy- at Harvard they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom.
Other guy- at my college they taught us not to p**... on our hands.
A man and his zebra walk into a bar.
A man and a zebra walk into a bar.
They both pull up a stool, and proceed to order shot after shot until they're both so drunk that the zebra falls right off his stool, hits the ground, and passes out.
After the man tries to wake the zebra up with no avail, he gets p**... off and starts to walk out of the bar, leaving the zebra on the floor.
The bartender yells, 'Hey! My man! You can't just leave that lyin' there!'
And the man says, 'That's not a lion, it's a zebra'.
In a brewery, the ceiling is getting painted
One of the painters falls into a barrel with 1000 liters of beer and drowns. His boss then goes to the colleague's wife to report the death. "Did my husband suffer much?" "I don't think so, he went out to take a p**... three times."
My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad
My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad.
"Quit p**... off the roof. Quit p**... off the balcony. Quit p**... off the diving board."
We donated my fathers body to science today…
and boy was he p**....
I'm p**.... The window on my house FELL OFF onto my front lawn!
It's a pane in the grass.
