piss Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious piss puns

I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

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How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

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My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a piss while in the shower.

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

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How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

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A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not fucking wait in line for anything! Sir."

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A man staggers into the police station piss drunk...

... at 3 in the morning and tells the officer on duty, "I'd like to have a word with that son of a bitch you'll arrested who broke into our house last week."

Sensing trouble, the officer informs him that this is against police policy and would not be possible.

"You don't understand," says the man. "I'd just like to find out how he managed to get into the house without waking up my wife."

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I was pissing against a wall when I remembered an old Indian saying

Hey, asshole, if I catch you pissing on my wall again I'm gonna kick your ass.

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Jonny the 5th grader needs to take a piss.

Jonny says to his teacher, "Ms. Hill can I go take a piss?"

Ms. Hill says, "Jonny, that's not appropriate language for a 5th grader. The proper word to use is urinate. Now, before you go to the bathroom.. use it in a sentence"

Jonny replied, "Urinate, but you'd be a 10 if you had bigger tits."

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I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

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I opened the door last night to carol singers & said "Do you know Silent Night?"

"Yes" they replied
"Well piss off then because I want one!"

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The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"

"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."
The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"
"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."

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I saw a sign the other day the made me fucking piss my pants...

...it said "Bathroom Closed"

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In the club last night i bought this hot girl a drink.

I then watched her give that drink straight to her boyfriend. Usually that would piss me off, but it was just as funny to watch him drink that Roofie.

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Shaky hands

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

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I'm getting pissed off now to be honest...

My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. I don't get it. If it gets any worse than this, I might just have to let her back in.

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I buy this girl a drink

So I buy this girl a drink at the bar and you know what she does? She says thanks and gives it to her boyfriend. Normally that would piss me off, but it was fucking hilarious watching him drink that roofie.

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I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.

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How to piss off a female archaeologist...

Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

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People that can't support their own arguments piss me off...

I don't know why.

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I read a sign today that almost made me piss myself

It was a sign that said "Bathroom closed"

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Three Old Men

Three old men are sitting on a porch discussing their old person problems

Man 1: Every day at 7:00am i wake up and i piss like a racehorse

Man 2: If you think thats bad, every day at 8:00 i wake up and i have to shit like a pig!

Man 3: You guys don't even have it that bad! Everyday at 7:00 i have to piss like a horse and then at 8:00 i have to shit like a pig, the problem is i don't wake up 'til 9!

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How do you piss off a feminist?

Don't worry, she's already pissed off.

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I held a door open for a lady today. You'd think she would say thank you or acknowledge in some way. But noooo....

....All she said was,

*CLOSE THE FUCKIN DOOR, I'M TRYING TO PISS.*

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I was at the local pool yesterday and went to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

Lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

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"Name that drink."

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name the kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.

A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."

"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."

So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"

"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

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Why did Hitler blows his brains out?...

Because he saw his gas bill.

Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp.

He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.

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My wife said she was leaving me because I'm too kinky

I almost choked on her piss when I heard it.

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Snake bite

Leeroy and Jimmy are working out in the fields. Leeroy goes to take a piss and gets bitten by a snake on his penis. Jimmy runs for help. He can't find a doctor but a citizen tells him to suck the poison out with his mouth. Jimmy runs back to his friend. "Leeroy, you're going to die!"

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How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

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If you piss off a vegan....

Is it still called a beef?

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I saw a sign today that almost made me piss myself.

It said "Toilet Closed!"

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A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss...

As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door.

With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: "In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom."

"No worries, mate;" answers the Aussie, " in Australia we don't piss on our hands."

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A friend bet me I couldn't piss in a Dyson Airblade

Boy, did that blow up in my face.

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Friends are a lot like snowmen...

They tend to go away when you piss on them.

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What are the most funny Piss jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Piss? Well, here are the best Piss dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Piss pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes