Pis Jokes

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his p**... back in his pocket.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter p**...?

Police think it is race-related

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
 
Wife : never
H : p**..., three letters
 
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
 
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
 
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
 
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
 
W : Up

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter p**... at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.
"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...

I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist, to me: What does she mean?
Me: It's a feminine pronoun,

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck.

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter's p**....

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

Me: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: you are?
Me: "screams"
Therapist: Oh I see
Me: "continues to scream"

A man goes to see a s**... therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting p**....

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

Karl Marx is a historically famous figure…

But nobody ever mentions his sister, Onya, who invented the starter p**....

It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...

My therapist says I'm paranoid.

He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.