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Pirate Ship Jokes

139 pirate ship jokes and hilarious pirate ship puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pirate ship that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Pirate Ship Short Jokes

Short pirate ship jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pirate ship humour may include short pirate treasure jokes also.

  1. Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals? Crew: I I captain.
  2. What happens when a red pirate ship and a brown pirate ship meet on a deserted island? They get marooned
  3. A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey mate, what's with the wheel?" The pirate responds, "Arg, it's driving me nuts!"
  4. Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea? Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.
  5. Who drives the ship while all the pirates are pillaging? No one, they just turn on auto-pirate
  6. Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship? Because the other weapons are non-canon.
  7. What did the Pirate say to the plank as it was being installed on the ship? Welcome a Board!
    (Inspired by a comment I left on another post, though I'm confident it's been posted many times before)
  8. What do you call an American navy ship that's been hijacked by communist pirates? USS-Arrr!
  9. A Pirate Walks Into A Bar ...With the steering wheel to his ship crammed into his trousers.
    Bartender: What is that steering wheel doing down your pants?
    Pirate: Arrrgh... It's drivin' me nuts!
  10. A pirate walks into a bar The bar tender notices that he has a ships wheel sticking out of the front of his pants, he asks "doesn't that bother you". And the pirate says "arrrr it's drivin me nuts"

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Pirate Ship One Liners

Which pirate ship one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pirate ship? I can suggest the ones about pirate and pirates caribbean.

  1. What do you call a communist pirate ship? The USS-ARRR
  2. What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship? The U.S.S. ARRRGH
  3. What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire? Arrr son!
  4. What do you call first aid on a pirate ship? Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!
  5. What has 7 eyes and 7 legs? A ship with 7 pirates
  6. What do you call a ship that drives itself? Auto-pirate.
  7. What did the proud pirate dad say after seeing his son torch an enemy ship? Arr, son.
  8. Did you hear about the cruise that was rated 3.14 out of 10? It was a pi-rate ship
  9. What do you call a group of pirate ships? An Arrrrrmada
  10. If you are on a pirate ship, what happens if you take a pee? The captain becomes irate.
  11. What is a Soviet pirate's favorite ship? The USS Arr.
  12. What does the cook on a pirate ship say? Sizzle me timbers!
  13. Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built. Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.
  14. What kind of ships do pirates have the most trouble with? Relationships
  15. What do you call polyamorous pirates? An open sea relation-ship.

Pirate Ship Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about pirate ship you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kid pirate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pirate ship pranks.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants.


The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?"
The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "

1 enemy ship on the horizont."
The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die."
So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?"
The captain says, "Because if i get injured they won't see and keep on fighting."
So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizont."
The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."

The Fearsome Pirate

The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."
The captain turns around and replies "Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red jacket."
The first mate is confused and asks the captain why he needs a red jacket. The captain replies "Arr, if I am shot and the crew sees that I'm bleeding they're liable to be afraid."
The first mate admires the captain's bravery, so he goes off to the captain's quarters to fetch his jacket. Once he comes above deck to find the captain, however, he realizes that just visible on the horizon is an enormous armada of ships - hundreds and hundreds of Royal Navy vessels coming towards them from every possible direction. They are completely surrounded.
The captain whispers to him:
"Aye, matey, find me brown pants."

There was a pirate ship...

And the man in the crow's nest looked through his scope and yelled down to the captain "ONE ship on the horizon!". The captain then said "Get me my red shirt, for if I am wounded in battle, my crew will not see me bleeding and they will fight on". The man in the crow's nest looked again yelled down to the captain "TEN ships on the horizon!!!" The captain then said "Get me my brown pants."

The Secret of the Red Shirt

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.
One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.
Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.
Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."

So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...

but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a ships wheel on his c**.... One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your c**..., right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

The story of the pirate.

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that there is the steering wheel to a ship on the front of his pants. So the bartender, perplexed, says to him "you know that there's a steering wheel on your c**..., right?" and the pirate says "Arr! Its drivin' me nuts!"

Display of courage in House of Leaves.

From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:
I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."
A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the captain and his crew were victorious.
The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates. That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The captain calmly replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great display of courage.
Well the next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."

The Captain

A long time ago there was this captain on his boat with his crew, sailing the high seas when they spotted a pirate ship. Before the battle began, the captain shouted, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but the captain and his men were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. The captain cried, "Bring me my red shirt!" and they proceeded to defeat the three pirate ships. Later on, as the crew was resting and tending to their wounds, an ensign asked the captain why he always wore that red shirt. The captain replied "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." The crew was moved by this great display of courage.
The next day, ten pirate ships were spotted. The men looked to their captain, waiting for his command. Calm as ever, the captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants."

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel attached to his pants...

He walks up to the bartender and says "Aye matey, give me a bottle of yer finest r**...!"
The bartender looks at the pirate, looks at the wheel and, with a confused look on his face says, "Sure buddy, but you gotta tell me, what's with the steering wheel attached to your c**...?"
The pirate replies "Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

A Pirate Captain Spots a Naval Ship On The Horizon

... He turns to his first mate and says "Get me my red shirt!". The first mate asks why and the captain replies, "If I get injured in battle I wouldn't want my crew to worry about me". The first mate nods and fetches the shirt.
The pirates engage the naval ship but soon discover it was a the flagship of a much larger naval fleet that was heading in their direction.
The captain turns to his first mate and says "Fetch me my brown pants!"

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".
"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.
"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".
The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:
"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

Hard Times

A pirate was standing on the crow's nest and then he slipped and fell. He fell through the first floor, then he fell through the second floor, then he fell through the third floor and hit the bottom floor of the ship!
The first mate comes up to him and asks "Are ye all right matey?"
The pirate replies, "Arrr, yes... I've been through hardship before!"

A joke for pirate day.

A pirate ship's first mate comes up to the deck to find the ship's (steering) wheel missing. The first mate rushes to the captain of the ship, only to find the wheel in his pants.
The first mate asks, "Captain, did you know the ship's wheel is in your pants?"
"Aaarrrh," the pirate captain replied. "I know, it's driving me nuts!"

Talk like a pirate joke

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel attached to him by the front of his pants. He sits down, and the bartender, curious, asks him 'Why do you have a steering wheel attached to you? Isn't it uncomfortable?' The pirate sighs, troubled, and answers 'Yaaarrr, it's drivin' me nuts!'

A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...

when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".

A pirate walks into a bar...

...and he's got a ship's wheel shoved down the front of his pants. The bartender asks him, "Why is there ship's wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responds, "YAAARRR! It be drivin' me nuts!"

What did the pirate captain say to the s**... fish he hired to clean his ship?

s**... my *DECK*!!!

A pirate walks into a bar...

He has a ship's wheel right on his c**.... The bartender asks:
"What's the wheel for?"
The pirate reply's:
"ARRRRRGH, It's drivin' me nuts!"

A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.
As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"
The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his pants.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says, "You know you got a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

If you like non ARRRRR-punchlined pirate jokes that take place in bars.....

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck down the front of his pants. It looks very uncomfortable and he is walking very laboriously.
The bartender, noticing the odd situation asks: "Hey, why do you have a steering wheel stuck down the front of your pants?" to which the pirate replies: "ARRRR, I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

One more Pirate joke for the road!

A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel stuffed in the front of his pants. The Bartender finds this odd, and asks the pirate "why do you have ship steering wheel in your pants?" the pirate replies with, "I don't know, but it is driving me nuts!"

Pirate jokes you say?

A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel in his pants and sits down in an empty stool.
"I'll take yer best r**...!" he asks.
The bartender pours him the r**... and places it infront of him. The bartender asks:
"Isn't that wheel uncomfortable sir?"
The pirate responds:
"ARRR it's drivin' me nuts!"

A man walks into a bar and sees a pirate with the helm of a ship in his pants.

The man is quite confused and stares for a while. Finally, he approaches the pirate and asks, "Is that a helm in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Aye!" The man says, "Isn't that driving you crazy?" The pirate says, "It's driving me nuts!"

A pirate ship is voyaging at sea.

First mate: Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon preparing for battle!
Captain: Bring me my red shirt!
The two ships got to battle and the enemy ship ends up being destroyed.
First mate: Captain why did you ask me to bring you a red shirt before the battle?
Captain: Well, if I were to get shot during battle, the red shirt would disguise the blood and you would continue with the battle.
First mate: Wow, that is very honorable. Captain there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon!
Captain: Bring me my brown pants!

A pirate goes to the doctor

A doctor walks into his exam room and is greeted with a strange sight: a pirate captain with a ships steering wheel protruding from his waistline. The doctor says "Well, I'm not sure what you came in here for, but I think we should start by addressing the steering wheel down your pants."
The pirate nods fervently, and says "Yarr, it's been drivin' me nuts!"

What's the definition of a mere myth?

A pirate ship thailing clothe to an itheberg

So, a pirate walks into the bar with a ship's wheel in his breeches...

The bartender gives him a funny look and says, "Hey, you know you have a wheel in your pants?". The Pirate responds, "Yarr, it's drivin me nuts!"

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird S*%t."
"It was my first day with the hook."

So a pirate has a steering wheel on his pants.

After he boards the ship, his matey asks him, "Do you know that there's a steering wheel on your pants?" He then replies, "Arg, and it's driving me nuts!"

Pirate ship

Why did the pirate carve a t**... mermaid into the front of his ship?
Yar, cause wouldn't it be loverly

A pirate come back from sea...

He stops at the barber for a trim on his beard. The barber is aghast at the sight of the pirate.
Barber : What happened to you??? When you left you were fine but now look at you!!
Pirate: Whaddaya mean to say?
Barber: You got a wooden leg now, when you left you had both legs...
Pirate: Oh this? We were in a ship to ship battle and a cannonball got my leg, but the doc gave me this peg and I'm just fine.
Barber: But you have a hook hand now, when you left you had both hands!
Pirate:Oh that? We were fighting natives on an island and one cut off my hand, but the doc fixed me up with this hook and I'm fine.
Barber: But your eye! You had both when you left.
Pirate: That...Well it was a beautiful day with not a cloud in the sky. I saw a gull overhead and as I looked at, it crapped in my eye.
Barber: You can't lose your eye from that!
Pirate : See I hadn't gotten used to the hook yet...

What's the worst part about running a gay pirate ship?

There's always s**... on your poopdeck!

My favorite pirate joke

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge wooden ships wheel stuck down the front of his pants, as he waddles up to the bar the bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that thing bother you?"
To which the pirate replies, "Gaarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

So a pirate walks into a bar...

So a pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices he has a large ship wheel on what looks like his belt buckle. The pirate tries to sit at the bar, but the wheel is too large for him to be able to comfortably sit. The bartender says, "Hey, you're having trouble because of that wheel on your c**...." The pirate replies, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."

A pirate walks into a bar

with his ship's steering wheel shoved down his pants. The bartender says, "hey pirate that's got to be hard to walk with." Pirate says, "aye, it be driving me nuts."

A Pirate walks into a Bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his belt buckle. The bartender says "what's that on your belt buckle?"
Pirate says "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

A pirate with Alzheimer's sold his parrot

The next day he woke up and shouted "Where's my ship!?"

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging from his c**.... Someone asks "what is that on you?"
He responds, "Arrr, I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

Why did the one-eyed pirate run his ship aground?

He didn't have any depth perception

What does a Somali pirate scream when boarding a ship?

**Allahu akbarrrr!**

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel between his legs

The barkeep asks if he knows he has a wheel there..
He replies, "Yarr, it be driving me nuts!"

A Pirate's Life

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".

Why were the pirates on the ship fighting?

They needed better anchor management.

A pirate crew is fleeing from a whaling ship

One pirate swabbie asks, "This be the whaling ship driven by the w**... with two vaginas?"
The pirate says, "Aye, we best be wary of har poons."

This PS4 Pirate Simulator game is rubbish! Bringing your ship into harbour is a nightmare!

I guess it's just a bad port.

A pirate pirate sails a ship ship...

On the redundant-seas redundancies.

TIL The most successful pirate captain ever was a Chinese p**... who controlled 1,500 ships and had over 80,000 sailors working for her

I bet she knew how to handle s**....

What did the pirate yell from his ship when he spotted a girl laying out n**... on the beach?

Land h**...!

Why is a blind person the same as a pirate with no ship?

Neither one can Sea!

TIL: Captain Hook ran an entire pirate ship.

He did it single handedly too.
He was a bit out of breath afterwards though.

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel sticking out his c**....
'Does that not hurt?' asks the bartender.
To which the pirate replies: 'Yaarr, it's driving me nuts!'

A pirate walks into a bar...

...and requests a grog of ale.
"Sure thing pal," says the bartender. But he sees the pirate has his ship's wheel stuck in his pants. "Mr. Pirate," he says, "you do realize your wheel is in your pants?"
The pirate looks at the bartender with a fury-induced bloodshot eye that held years of rage. "Aye...it's driving me *nuts*!"

So, the guy who plays Captain America bought a pirate ship.

And he covered it in Vegas-style lights
And he has Phil Collins' band playing on it.
...
It's a Neon Genesis Evans' Galleon

What do you call a movie theif on a ship?

A pirate.

What does a ship captain and an aspiring film director, have in common?

They both get captured by Shamalian pirates

What do you call a pirate on a battle ship?

A Battle Pirate

A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells
"There is an enemy ship approaching!"
"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.
"Why?"
"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"
They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells
"two enemy ships are approaching!"
"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.
One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.
"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"
So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"

A pirate and his crew

A captain and his pirate crew would always go out to battle against groups of ships of 4 or 5.
Before he does, he always says to his crew, Someone, get me my red suit!
He would do this before every battle.
Then one day, one if his crew would say, O' Captain, why do you always wear your red suit to battle?
He would respond with, That way, if I get hurt and bleed, no one would notice it.
His crew, upon hearing this, were quite impressed.
The next day the captain went out to battle and saw 100 ships all aimed at him
Someone get me my brown pants.

Pirates

Did you hear about the pirate ship caught by the Ottoman Empire and tried for thievery?
Regrettably, all hands were lost.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship steering wheel between his legs

Bartender: Excuse me good sir but I believe you have a steering wheel stuck between your legs.
Pirate: Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrhhhh it's drivin' me nuts!

How much did the pirate pay for his ship ?

Why did the pirate ship need a new chef?

The last one was a desserter

Once upon a time there was a pirate ship...

... and then the original ship came by.

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized that there are in fact 20 ships!" The captain suddenly goes very pale and calls, "Bring me my brown pants."

Pirate Joke

How did the captain know he was about to lose his ship when he looked in the mirror?
He saw he had mutant ears.