Pirate Jokes

What are some Pirate jokes?

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.

Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

A pirate goes to a doctor...

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.

"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."

The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

(sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

Why didn't the gay pirate have a parrot?

Because he preferred a cock-er-two!

This is my first original pirate-themed joke. I have more on the way. Love it? Hate it? Let me know!

What's a pirates favourite letter?

P, because without it they're irate

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"

BB looks at her as if she's an idiot

"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

A buccaneer :D

A pirate goes to the doctor

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

'Aye matey"

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!



[ I'm^so^sorry ]

A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing

The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"

"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised

"Because it's holding me back!"

Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain.

Captain: Are.

How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

Pirates never shower before they walk the plank.

They just wash up on shore afterward.

How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate?

None.

If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say?

.RAR

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a ships wheel on his crotch. One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your crotch, right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

What's a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location.

Sincerely,

Comcast

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?

A buccaneer.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"

The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

Why are pirates such good singers?

Because they hit the high C's.

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.

The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"

The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate

How much do pirates charge for piercings?

A buck an ear.

pirate joke

I saw a pirate walking down the street and he had a paper towel on his head so I said "what's with the paper towel." he said "arrgh got a Bounty on me head."

What did the pirate name his pet clam?

Michelle

What kind of music does a pirate like?

Arrr'n'B

Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

They keep getting lost at sea.

What direction did the pirate go to get his bread??

Yeast!!

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because they were sitting on the deck.

What does the white supremacist pirate say?

Well I'm not gonna repeat it but it ends with a hard Arrrr!

A Halloween joke for you.

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."

How did pirates communicate before the internet?

Pier to Pier Networking

The Pirate and the alphabet

Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?

Because they spend years at sea.

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.

The pirate smiles and says, "That be the bounty on me head!"

A pirate walks into a bar...

And it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

Did you hear about the pirate themed phone Apple have been designing?

They're gonna call it the ayePhone

What is the average grade of a pirate in college?

High C's

What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire?

Arrr son!

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."

The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"

Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..

Did you hear about the gay Pirate?

He took it up the arrrrs

A pirate walks in a bar...

A pirate walks in a bar with a paper towel on his head, the bartender says "whats with that" the Pirate says "ARR!! I have Bounty on me head"

What does a pirate from Boston say?

Aaahhh.

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

What do you get when you cross a pervert with a pirate?

AAARRRRRR Kelly

A pirate walks into a bar

with a steering wheel stuffed in his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why is there a steering wheel sticking out your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

Because they get lost at C

How much do pirates pay for earrings?

Somewhere around a buck an ear.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buck an ear

A Pirate's Life

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:


"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"


" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".

"What about the eye-patch?".


"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".


"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"


"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender looks at him for a moment, before asking, "Hey, what's up with the steering wheel?"

The pirate goes "Arghhh, it be driving me nuts."

A pirate goes to see his doctor

... to look at the spots on his arm.

After examining them, the doctor looks up and says, Nothing to worry about, they're benign.

The pirate says, No, Doc, there be eleven! I counted them meself!

So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...

but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."

What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven Cs!

The story of the pirate.

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that there is the steering wheel to a ship on the front of his pants. So the bartender, perplexed, says to him "you know that there's a steering wheel on your crotch, right?" and the pirate says "Arr! Its drivin' me nuts!"

What do pirates and pimps both have in common....

...they both say "yo ho" and plunder the bootie!

Compliments of my gf :)

Why did the Asian pilot get arrested at the airport?

TSA thought he said he was going to "pirate" the plane.

A joke my granpda tells to me every time I see him

A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buck 'n ear

What does all pirate music have in common?

It's all played in the high C's.

The Secret of the Red Shirt

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.

One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.

Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.

Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."



How to make Pirate jokes?

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