The Best 83 Pirate Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Pirate jokes. There are some pirate arrgh jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pirate pirate knock knock puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Pirate Jokes and Puns

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

Pirate joke, What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a ships wheel on his crotch. One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your crotch, right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

pirate joke

I saw a pirate walking down the street and he had a paper towel on his head so I said "what's with the paper towel." he said "arrgh got a Bounty on me head."


A Halloween joke for you.

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."

How much do pirates pay for earrings?

Somewhere around a buck an ear.

Pirate joke, How much do pirates pay for earrings?

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:

"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

A pirate walks in a bar...

A pirate walks in a bar with a paper towel on his head, the bartender says "whats with that" the Pirate says "ARR!! I have Bounty on me head"

Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

A buccaneer :D

You can explore pirate ahoy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pirate argh dad jokes. There are also pirate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

What does a pirate from Boston say?

Aaahhh.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...

A pirate goes to a doctor...

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.

"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."

The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

(sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

Pirate joke, what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

The Pirate and the alphabet

Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?

Because they spend years at sea.

How much do pirates charge for piercings?

A buck an ear.

Why didn't the gay pirate have a parrot?

Because he preferred a cock-er-two!

This is my first original pirate-themed joke. I have more on the way. Love it? Hate it? Let me know!


Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

They keep getting lost at sea.

What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire?

Arrr son!

What did the pirate name his pet clam?

Michelle

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

'Aye matey"

A pirate goes to the doctor

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

What kind of music does a pirate like?

Arrr'n'B

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.

Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?

A buccaneer.

What's a pirates favourite letter?

P, because without it they're irate

A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing

The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"

"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised

"Because it's holding me back!"

Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain.

Captain: Are.

If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say?

.RAR

A pirate walks into a bar

with a steering wheel stuffed in his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why is there a steering wheel sticking out your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!

[ I'm^so^sorry ]

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh

How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"

BB looks at her as if she's an idiot

"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"

The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."

How did pirates communicate before the internet?

Pier to Pier Networking

How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate?

None.

What's a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location.

Sincerely,

Comcast

What direction did the pirate go to get his bread??

Yeast!!

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head, sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender serves the pirate his drink, and asks about the paper towel.

The pirate smiles and says, "That be the bounty on me head!"

Why are pirates such good singers?

Because they hit the high C's.

Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

Because they get lost at C

Did you hear about the gay Pirate?

He took it up the arrrrs

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.

The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"

The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

Did you hear about the pirate themed phone Apple have been designing?

They're gonna call it the ayePhone

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."

The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"

Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..

Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

Because they were sitting on the deck.

What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

Pirates never shower before they walk the plank.

They just wash up on shore afterward.

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

What is the average grade of a pirate in college?

High C's

A pirate walks into a bar...

And it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

What does the white supremacist pirate say?

Well I'm not gonna repeat it but it ends with a hard Arrrr!

What do you get when you cross a pervert with a pirate?

AAARRRRRR Kelly

β€Œβ€ŒA pβ€Œβ€Œirate gβ€Œβ€Œoes tβ€Œβ€Œo tβ€Œβ€Œhe dβ€Œβ€Œoctor aβ€Œβ€Œnd sβ€Œβ€Œay, "β€Œβ€ŒI hβ€Œβ€Œave mβ€Œβ€Œoles oβ€Œβ€Œn mβ€Œβ€Œe bβ€Œβ€Œack aβ€Œβ€Œaarrrghh"

The dβ€Œβ€Œoctor: "It's oβ€Œβ€Œk, tβ€Œβ€Œhey're bβ€Œβ€Œenign"

Pirate: "β€Œβ€ŒCount aβ€Œβ€Œgain, Iβ€Œβ€Œ tβ€Œβ€Œhink tβ€Œβ€Œhere bβ€Œβ€Œe tβ€Œβ€Œen!"

Why didn't the pirates bathe before walking the plank?

They figured they'd wash up on shore later.

Why didn't the pirate finish the alphabet?

He got lost at C

How do you make a pirate angry?

By taking away the P.

My six year old's current favorite joke:

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: Interrupting pirate.

Me: Interrupting pira...

Him: Arrrrrrgggh!!!

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The bartender says Hey pirate, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants? Isn't that annoying? The pirate says Arrr, it drives me nuts.

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?

Because they'll just wash up on shore later.

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

Why don't pirates know the alphabet?

Because they get lost at C

What's a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

What's a pirates favorite letter?

In best pirate voice me hart will always belong to the CCCCcccc!!!

For talk like a pirate day

There was a famous pirate captain who before a battle would turn to his ensign and say
Fetch me me red shirt
After the battle was won the ensign asked
Why the red shirt captain?
If I get shot or wounded the shirt will hide the blood and the crew won't be alarmed
A month later, looking out at the see he saw a huge English armada headed for him
He turned to his ensign and said
Fetch me me brown pants

What do you call a female Pirate with wooden legs?

Peggy

A pirate started singing me a song. I didn't really like it until he started swinging his arm around.

Then I was caught on the hook.

Get me my Red Shirt"!

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, Why do you need a red shirt?

The Captain replies, So that when I bleed, you guys don't notice and aren's discouraged. They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, Get me my brown pants!

How much do pirates pay for corn?

A buccaneer.



Nah, just kidding... they just steal it.

What is a pyromaniac pirate called by his dad?

Arrrrson

So, a pirate walks into a bar..

..with a wheel in his crotch..

The bar tender says: "hey, man, what's with the wheel?"

And the pirate saysback: "Arrr! It's driving me nuts!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pirate pirate christmas jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working pirate pirate day piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes