Pirate Day Jokes

A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.” The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!” “That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy. “I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!” “That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?” “No lad, this time I was just out finishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!” “Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”

The Secret of the Red Shirt

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.
One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.
Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.
Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."

So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...

but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."

A pirate walks into a bar one day...

...And he sees his old captain sitting down having a drink. So he goes up to say hello and catch up, but he notices that his old captain looks a little different. So he goes over to talk to him. "Captain," he says, "I haven't seen you in years. It's good to see you, but man, you look a little different. I notice that you have a wooden leg! What happened?"
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Ya see during a fearsome storm, a huge wave hit me boat, and my leg got trapped under a chain, and ripped it off, so I had to get this here peg leg."
"Wow" says the pirate. "That's terrible. But what happened to your hand? You have a hook now!"
"Gyarr," says the captian, "You be correct. Ya see I was captured by the enemy one day, and they were forcin me to walk the plank, but I turned back and tried to escape, and they cut me hand off, and I had to get this here hook."
Wincing, the pirate says "Christ! Now what happened to your eye? You have a glass eye now."
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Well, as I was sailing the sea one day, I happened to look up, and a seagull pooped right in my eye."
Confused, the pirate responds "Well, captain, that sounds bad, but that wouldn't make you lose your eye."
"True," pines the captain, "But it was the first day with me hook."

A pirate ship is sailing across the Atlantic..

When suddenly the lookout shouts, "Enemy ship heading our way!" The captain, as soon as he hears this, tells his first mate to go grab his red coat.
After they defeated the enemy, his first mate asks what the red coat was for. The captain responds, "Whenever I go into battle with my crew, I don't want them to lose morale by seeing my blood stain me, so I wear this coat to hide my wounds from them."
The next day the lookout warns them, "There's a fleet of five enemy ships heading our way!"
Upon hearing this, the captain tells his first mate to grab his brown pants.

A pirate at the local bar discusses his past.

A s**... meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The s**... notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The s**... asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the s**.... "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the s**.... "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar and sits. He is dressed as a stereotypical pirate, with a hook hand, peg leg, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder. As the bartender prepares his drink, he asks, "What happened to your hand?" The pirate replies, "I was sparring with me crew and one cut off me hand." Bartender: "What about your leg?" Pirate: "We were boarding an enemy ship and o**... went and cut off me leg." Bartender: "And the eyepatch?" Pirate: "Well, Polly pooped in me eye." The bartender exclaims, "That doesn't make you lose an eye!" The pirate sighs and says, "It was me first day with the hook."

Soiled Pirate

There once was a noble Pirate who had a very mighty crew.
One day, they spotted an enemy ship coming towards them when they were sailing.
The Pirate said "YOU! Go get me red shirt!"
So the young and rising Pirate did as the captain had said.
Then a fierce battle took place between the two ships, with the red-shirted Pirate and his crew standing tall.
Then one Pirate asked the captain "Sir, why do ye always wear a red shirt into battle?"
The captain replied "Because if I get shot the blood will not show and will not scare the courage out of me crew."
Days passed. Then one morning a young Pirate shouted from the top of the mast "SIR! 7 ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!"
The captain then turned to another young, rising Pirate and said:
"Aye, go fetch me red shirt... and me brown pants too..."

A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...

when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".

A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.
As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"
The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

s**...

A s**... meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The s**... notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the s**... asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the s**.... "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the s**.... "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird S*%t."
"It was my first day with the hook."

Old but gold, Captain Jack Arrow.

Jack Arrow was a captain of a pirate ship. He was always chased by danger. As one day, a crew member came up to captain jack and said " We got an enemy ship approaching us from behind, sir!!!" Captain Jack, with all confidence, replied "Bring me my red shirt!". As the enemy ship boarded Captain Jack's ship, a battle initiated, and it went successfully for Captain Jack's side as not a single crew member of his lost their live. After the battle, the crew member approached Captain Jack, "Sir, why did you ask me to bring your shirt? and why specifically 'red'?" the crew member asked. Captain Jack, with a smile on his face, replied "So that in case I get wounded in battle, my crew would continue to fight!". The very next morning, the same crew member came up to Captain Jack with t**... on his face "Sir! we have TEN enemy ships approaching us from behind, sir!!!". Captain Jack, stared dead serious at his face, then screamed "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!"

The pirate and the sailor

A sailor walks into a bar and sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand and an eye patch. His curiosity leads him to approach the pirate and ask, "Why do you have a peg leg?"
"I was washed overboard and a shark bit me leg off." the pirate responds.
"Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your hook hand?"
"Me first mate tried to kill me with his sword but only got me hand instead."
"Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your eye patch?"
"I was walking along the beach and a seagull pooped on me eye." the pirate explains.
"A seagull pooped your eye out?" the sailor asks incredulously.
"No," the pirate explains, "it was the first day with me hook."

A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it."
The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, it was me first day with the hook."

A Pirate's Life

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks how he got the peg leg.
"Well", says the pirate, "I fell into the sea and had to fight off a shark, but he ate me leg."
"What about the hook hand?" Pirate: "Me vessel got boarded by some scallywags and I lost me hand in the fight."
"Well, how about the eyepatch?"
"Ol' Polly here pooped in me eye!"
The bartender was confused and asked how that could possibly make him lose his eye. The pirate responds: "First day with the hook."

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.
One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"
Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.
"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.
"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

A Pirate Ship is attacked by a similar sized ship

Before the impending battle begins, the captain says to his crew mate, "Bring me me red shirt." The crew fought gallantly, and won. After the battle, the crew mate asks his captain, "Sir, why did you ask for thy red shirt?" The captain responds, "so that way, if I was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't realize and continue fighting bravely." The crew mate says, "Wow! That's really a good idea." A few days later, a huge navy ship approaches to defeat the pirates. The ship was armed with hundreds of cannons and thousands of crewmen. Te captain quickly turns to his crew mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants..."

An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar

The bartender says:
Whoa, that's quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.
The pirate explains:
Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!
The bartender asks:
Wow, how about the hand?
Pirate:
'twas me old nemesis Racham the Red cut it off afore I scewerd 'im like a sow at a buffet!
Bartender:
Wow, that's quite a story! How'd you end up with the eye patch?
Pirate:
Seagull s**... in me eye...
Bartender:
A seagull s**... in your eye? Really? How bad could that be?
Pirate:
Arr... 'twas the first day with me new hook...

A Pirate ship is out at sea.

One of the crew runs up to the captain and yells
"There is an enemy ship approaching!"
"Fetch me my red shirt" says the captain.
"Why?"
"Because then they will not know if I am bleeding!"
They fight and fight and win the battle. The next day, the crewmember yells
"two enemy ships are approaching!"
"Bring me my red shirt!" calls the captain once more. So they fight, and once again win.
One day, a crewmember runs up to the captain yet again.
"Sir! There are 10 enemy ships approaching! We're surrounded!"
So the captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!"

A pirate and his crew

A captain and his pirate crew would always go out to battle against groups of ships of 4 or 5.
Before he does, he always says to his crew, Someone, get me my red suit!
He would do this before every battle.
Then one day, one if his crew would say, O' Captain, why do you always wear your red suit to battle?
He would respond with, That way, if I get hurt and bleed, no one would notice it.
His crew, upon hearing this, were quite impressed.
The next day the captain went out to battle and saw 100 ships all aimed at him
Someone get me my brown pants.

An old pirate walks into a bar...

He had the whole package: pegleg, hook for hand and an eyepatch.
He gets some stares from the other guests as he takes his seat by the bar.
Eventually one of the guests dares to ask: "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arr I only fell overboard one time in me whole pirate career and that's when a shark bit me leg off." The pirate replies.
The guest keeps asking on and learns that he lost his hand in a swordfight.
And ofcourse finally he asks the pirate how he lost his eye.
To wich the pirate replies: "A seagull s**... in it."
Unsurprisingly this answer was met with a blank stare and ackward silence.
"Arr well" said the pirate eventually, "It was the same day I just got the hook..."

A boy walks up to a pirate

A boy walks up to a pirate and curious about his missing leg, arm, and eye, asks about them.
"Why are your arm and leg missing?" the boy asks.
"Well, I was attacked by a gator while burying me treasure. Now I got me a wooden peg and hook for me hand"
"Then what happened to your eye?"
"s**... seagull pooped in it."

"A bird p**... in your eye made it fall right out?" The boy asks, surprised.
"No, lad. That was the first day I had my hook!"

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"
"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"
He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"
And I say "Well... it's Swedish."
So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the plank and I shout "Don't you think you're going a little overboard?!" And the pirate says, "No, *you* are!"
Before I jump, I ask him, "Can I just have one last mug of rootbeer?" And he says, "That would be fine." So I take the mug and jump... and you know? I would've drowned if it weren't for one thing...
>Rootbeer floats!<