Pipes Jokes
65 pipes jokes and hilarious pipes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pipes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pipes Short Jokes
Short pipes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pipes humour may include short pipeline jokes also.
- Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes? He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.
- My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.
- What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus? He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
- I like my women like I like my drain pipes. Covered in a thin layer of PVC and attached to a wall.
- What happened to the man who tried to blow up a bus? What happened to the man who tried to blow up a bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
- What's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer? They way they pronounce unionized.
- Woke up. There was a group of indians protesting outside my house Must be all the pipe I am laying.
- In a philosophy class... Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.
One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests. - Do you know that old fable about how your tongue will stick to an iron pipe if it's too cold? It's twuu.
- Before ordering takeout, the Indian guy made himself some piping hot tea, but spilled it on himself. He got chai knees.
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Pipes One Liners
Which pipes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pipes? I can suggest the ones about tube and rips.
- Last night I had a dream where I was a tail pipe on a car I woke up exhausted.
- What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument? bag pipes
- The pipes that my plumber installed are leaking... Clearly, he didn't give a flux.
- I went out in a thunderstorm carrying a metal pipe What happened next shocked me
- Why do skateboarders make lousy plumbers? Because they only use half pipes.
- Why did the Hipster order piping hot soup? He wanted to eat it before it was cool.
- i always wanted to be a plumber but then i realized that was just a pipe dream
- Why don't the plumbers ever get wealthy? Because all they have are pipe dreams.
- Why did the Piranha Plant start coughing? Because Mario went down the wrong pipe!
- I've always wanted to be a plumber... but my friends all say it's just a pipe dream.
- Why did princess peach choke? Mario came down the wrong pipe
- I can stop any pipe from leaking Just by giving it a tap
- What did the boss say to the plumber after he broke the pipe? water you doing?
- Did you hear about the mechanic who dreamed of being a plumber? It was all a pipe dream.
- You see my neighbour worships exhaust pipes He's a Catholic converter
Delightful Fun Pipes Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about pipes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pins jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pipes pranks.
that Whitney Houston sure had some pipes.
I bet she was holding one when she died.
What do i look like?
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Fixer-Upper
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says, "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Little Johnny is in Sunday School,
and little Mary Margaret in the front row pipes up, "Sister Jean, what part of our body gets to heaven first?"
And the sister Jean smiles and asks, "Well what do you think, class? What part of your body gets to heaven first?"
Tommy raises his hand, "I think it's your hands, 'cuz that's what you pray with."
"Oh lovely, Thomas." says sister Jean
Then little Mary Margaret chimes in again "I think it's your heart, 'cuz that's where Jesus lives"
Sister Jean clutches her chest, "Beautiful, dear."
But then Johnny shouts, "It's your LEGS!"
Sister Jean looks stunned, "Your legs, John? Why?!"
"Last night I went in my mommy and daddy's room, and mommy was on the bed, with her legs in the air going 'OH GOD, I'M COMING!'"
What's the difference between Stephen Harper and Rob Ford?
One likes pipelines, and the other likes pipes *and* lines.
Do ya know the difference between Scots and Scotch?
Ay now.
A Scot is a lad that can play the pipes.
Scotch is what makes it so that he canna.
Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.
The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the s**... club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'
3 new inmates discussing their sentences
first new prisoner pipes up "i'm in for m**..."
the other two ask him "what did you get?"
"20-life"
second prisoner "i'm in for burglary and r**..."
"what did you get?"
"10-15"
third jailbird "i'm in for burning i**... immigrants"
"what did you get?"
"10 to the gallon!"
A little boy and a little girl were walking home from school...
The little boy says to the little girl, "This weekend, my dad's gonna take me to ride a horse!"
The little girl says, "Oh, I have my own pony."
They walk a little further.
The little boy again pipes up, "Next weekend, my dad's taking me to a baseball game!"
The little girl replies, "My uncle plays major league baseball."
The boy scowls as they continue to walking.
Finally in frustration, the little boy pulls down his pants and yells
"Well, I've got one of these and you don't!"
The little girl calmly lifts her dress and replies "I have one of these, and with one of these, I can get all of those I want."
An infinite number of professors walk into a bar...
the first walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a pint of lager." Before the bartender can start pouring the second says, "I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender is about to pour when the third pipes up, "The same but half again!" Once again the bartender is about to serve when the fourth says, "Yeah a lager, but half of that!" The bartender, once more is about to pour when the fifth interrupts. He's about to order when one of the professors in the back shouts, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JUST POUR TWO BEERS!"
Did you hear about the Polish assassin that blew up cars for a living?
He burns his lips on the tail pipes.
Plumbers are a lot like h**......
They'll unclog your pipes, but it's gonna cost ya.
Three engineers are arguing about which engineering discipline god favors...
The first says "God is an electrical engineer - electricity is fundamental to all life. Electricity is the most transportable, universal energy... it's like the force. Clearly, god is an electrical engineer."
The second pipes up and says "Nah... god must be a chemical engineer, from the bio-molecular to the materials sciences, the attention to detail needed to just put together the basics for the physical world just require a chemical engineering mind. God is a chemical engineer."
The third guy shakes his head and says "you two don't know what you're talking about. God is a civil engineer."
His friends are incredulous, derisive, and sarcastic, telling him that there's no way he can offer even a single shred of evidence for this flat assertion... to which he replies:
"Who else would run a waste main through a recreation area?"
p**... the Englishman, p**... the Irishman and p**... the Scotsman are arguing in a pub
p**... the Englishman, p**... the Irishman and p**... the Scotsman are arguing in a pub over who comes from the most respectable family.
p**... the Englishman starts 'My uncle is a Bishop and when he walks down the street people address him as Your Grace'.
p**... the Scotsman replies 'That's nothing, my uncle is a Cardinal and when he walks down the street people bow and address him as Your Eminence'
Finally p**... the Irishman pipes up 'That's noting, my uncle weighs 32 stone and when he walks down the street people stare and exclaim JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY'
A teacher had given his class an assignment.
He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme s**... exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
an engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a sheep
A engineer, a scientist, and a mathematician are riding through Scotland on a train. Looking out the window they see a black sheep.
"Who knew that Scottish sheep were black?!" exclaims the engineer.
"Now, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves," admonished the scientist. "All we know is that one sheep in Scotland is black."
At this point the mathematician pipes up: "Hey, both of you are jumping to conclusions. All we really know is that one SIDE of one sheep in Scotland is black.
A man is sent to live amongst a tribe in Africa.
After settling in to his new lodgings he hears a loud set of pipes playing near the tribes village. He asks one of the tribe members what the pipe music is for and he answers, "Nobody know for sure, just that very bad thing happen when they stop." The man begins to worry about what this bad thing could be but after a few days of constant pipe music he begins to settle down but is still curious. However, after a week amongst the tribe, as he was out hunting with a tribe member he hears the pipes begin to die down. Terrified, he asks the tribe member, "What happens now?".
The tribesman covers his ears and whispers, " Drum solo."
Three vampires walk into a bar...
The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.
Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"
Bartender says "coming right up"
Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"
After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.
The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"
Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"
Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"
Vampire 3 takes a used t**... out of his coat pocket and responds
"I'm having tea"
pipechu
the pikachu ears is like pipes if u are greek u know what i mean
A New Movie - Stephen Spielberg
Stephen Speilberg has just recently decided to create a new action movie about the greatest composers on Earth. His creates his cast and asks them 'Who do you want to be' ...
Bruce Willis says to him 'I ll play Beethoven, i've always fancied myself as a bit of a genius'
Liam Neeson then pipes up saying 'Im going to be Mozart, i find his music very relaxing and very baroque'
Lastly Arnold Schwarzenegger says 'Ill be Bach'
Ever hear about the busy plumber's wife?
Turns out she had to clean her own pipes.
An old soviet joke.
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.
A boy tells his father that humans are cruel
"Hmm okay, but why?" asked the father.
"Well some people out there are hanging horses" said the son.
The father let out a confused chuckle, "What do you mean people are hanging horses?!"
The son tells him "well I overheard mum telling her friend that the plumber who came over to fix the drain pipes was hung like a horse."
Asked a Chinese girl for her number last night
She shouts "s**...! s**...! s**...! free s**... tonight!"
Yes please, I said.
Her friend pipes up and says "She means 6**...-3629"
My piano has started evolving pipes.
I think it's a new organism.
Two elderly men in a bar...
...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
A drunk stumbles out of a bar...
...and meanders down the street. He makes his way into a church and enters the confessional booth. A priest is there and waits a minute, but the drunk says nothing. He waits 5 minutes, then 10, and still there's silence. Finally, the priest knocks loudly on the dividing wall, and the drunk pipes up, "Sorry, pal, I can't help you. I've got no paper over here, either."
Whitney Houston had quite the set of pipes on her.
In fact she died clutching onto one of them.
I like my women like I like my old timey tobacco pipes
Curvy and remind me of grandpa.
What do my female neighbor and a well kept o**... have in common?
Really clean pipes.
One morning, a little girl goes into the living room and asks her mother...
"Why did you name me Rose, mom?"
Mom says, "As we we leaving the hospital after you were born, a rose petal fell on your head. So we named you Rose."
The daughter says, "Is that why my little brother is named Leaf and little sister is named Rain?"
"Yes," Mom says. "Exactly."
A fourth child pipes up from beside them. "DARGLE BUBPHHH BIBI MMMMOOMOOO!"
"Quiet, Brick!" Mom says.
A plumber had to attend to the house of a gender fluid person.
Apparently "handling her pipes" wasn't the best course of action.
A blonde, a brunette, and a black-haired girl are walking down their high school hallway
when they come across a genie's lamp. The black-haired girl rubs it, and a genie comes out. He tells them that he'll give each of them three wishes if they say something true about themselves. If not, they'll go "p**...", and die.
So the black-haired girl squeals, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in school!"
\*p**...\*
The brunette pipes up, "I think I'm one of the smartest girls in school."
\*p**...\*
And then the blond says, "I think--" \*p**...\*
School Essay Test
A teacher says to her class Tomorrow morning there will be a set essay writing exam. You are all to be on your best form and well rested overnight
One lad pipes up with a smirk What if we are suffering from severe s**... exhaustion Miss?
Well, she replies you'll just have to try to write with your other hand!
Muffins are in the oven, one says "Is it getting hot in here?" A second screams, "Aah! A talking muffin!"
A third pipes up, "Duuuude, we're so baked."
A plumber
is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!
3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...
Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.
The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...
Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?
Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head
This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...
Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH
Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
I was talking to my plumber...
I told him, "Mario, I'm growing a big bushy mustache like yours, so I got this hair trap to prevent the stray mustache hairs from clogging my drain. It's working great, and I'm thinking of keeping the mustache, so I figure maybe I should get some plumbing epoxy and affix the hair trap to the pipes. What do you think?"
My plumber responded, "Listen, if it ain't a-broke..."
A man walks into a rough pub near Glasgow docks...
..."here, lads, there's been a big department store fire in town, loads of stock's been written off, I can sort you out with a few things, if you'd like, what're you after?"
After doing the rounds and taking orders for various items of clothing, and even a few bigger items, someone up the back of the pub pipes up, "here, I didn't see anything about a big fire on the news, when was it?"
"Tomorrow".
My mother advised me not to marry an electrician
"Don't marry an electrician, he will take late night calls and plug himself into other women", my mother warned me.
"Don't marry a plumber either", she continued, "he will work on weekends and do other women's pipes".
"Don't marry a pizza boy neither. He will work on Friday nights and make other women pizzas"
And that's why I married an unemployed man!
Three babies in the w**....
They are discussing what they would like to be when they grow up.
The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."
The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."
The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."
The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"
He replies, "So I can beat the h**... out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."
