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Pints Jokes

102 pints jokes and hilarious pints puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pints that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Pints Short Jokes

Short pints jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pints humour may include short pint of beer jokes also.

  1. So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
  2. If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
  3. What did the Irishman text his Wife? "Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."
  4. I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..." "...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."
  5. Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.
  6. Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.
  7. I got a pay rise in my job. At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.
    I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.
  8. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The bar man says, "sorry, we don't serve food".
  9. An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, Figure it out yourselves.
  10. Two old englishmen are standing on the underground platform The first old man asks "Is this Wembley?"
    The other replies "No, Thursday."
    The first replies "Ah! So am I. Shall we go and get a pint?"

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Pints One Liners

Which pints one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pints? I can suggest the ones about pint beer and pint guinness.

  1. What do you call two pints of strict rules? A quart of law
  2. What comes in pints? elephants
  3. How does a geometry teacher drink beer? From pint A to pint B.
  4. What do you call a man who's had ten pints and wants to drive back home? A taxi.
  5. What's grey and comes in pints? An Elephant.
  6. What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint? Catholic
  7. A skeleton goes to the bar and says "Can I have a pint and a mop..."
  8. I saw a guy pour a pint of milk out on the floor the other day, I thought, how dairy!
  9. Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles? The Supreme Quart
  10. What's the difference between a fox and a dog? About 8 pints of larger.
  11. What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 6 pints....
  12. I drank a pint of beer in Saudi Arabia the other day... ... It cost me an arm and a leg.
  13. What do you call a woman juggling pints of lager and playing snooker? Beatrix Potter
  14. A skeleton walked into a pub... I'll have a pint and mop.
  15. Grenade toss: How do you measure leadership? 1.75 pints at a time.

Pints joke, Grenade toss: How do you measure leadership?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about pints can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of pints puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Hilarious Fun Pints Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about pints you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean a pint of guinness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make pints prank.

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.
The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney"
So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story.
One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness...
The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother..."
The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"

A Pint of Guinness

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

p**... Quits Drinking

An irishman walks in to a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The barman says: 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn't it be better to buy one at a time?'
And the Irishman replies: 'Well you see, I have 2 brothers. One lives in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we left home we promised that we'd drink this way, to remember the good old days when we could drink together.'
The barman is quite touched.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the pub, always drinking the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. But one day, he comes in looking a bit sad and orders just two pints. The regulars notice and fall silent, When he comes back to the bar for another round, the barman says:
'Look, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I know we all want to offer condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment then he laughs. 'Oh no,'he says, éveryone's fine. I've decided to quit drinking."

A pint, a dog and an old lady

A guy goes into a bar and as he orders a drink he notices a jar at the end of the bar full of money. He says to the barman "what's that about?" to which the barman replies "you pay a tenner and have to complete 3 challenges, if you are successful you win all the money in the jar. Would you like to try it?" The man says he'll think about it and sits down with his drink. After about 8 pints the man staggers up to the bar and slams a tenner on down in front of the barman, "Okay pal, I'll have a go".
So the barman says "ok, challenge number 1, here's a pint of tequila, you have to drink all of that without coughing it up or being sick". It takes the man a couple of minutes but he finishes the drink.
"well done" says the barman. "The next challenge, there's a guard dog outside with a bad tooth, you need to go out there and remove it. After that, there's a woman upstairs, she's 83, never had s**... in her life. I want you go up there and show her a real good time".
So the man goes outside and for about 15 minutes there is a lot of barking, shouting and screaming. Then after a while it goes quiet. The barman walks outside to find out what's happened... The dogs dead. The man who's out of breath turns to the barman and says "Right... Where's this old lady with the bad tooth?"

A Man Walks Into A Bar.....

He says to the bartender gimme a shot of whiskey. He get's it and downs it. He then says get me a glass of whiskey, he get's that and downs it. Then he asks for a pint of whiskey, the bartender says "Well he won't down this one" the guy downs it. by now he's swaying and staggering, he then asks for two pints of whiskey. The bartender says "Why are you downing all these whiskeys so fast?" the guy replies "Because I've only got 50 pence"

I finally came up with a good punchline for the "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar" joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a third of a pint, and the fourth one is about to order when the bartender waves him off and pours two full pints. Whoa whoa, hold on, says the mathematician, How do you know we're all here? The bartender replies, Well, when I saw that guy wearing the brace on his right side I figured you were all set.

What's all natural, well balanced, and comes in pints?

An elephant sitting on your fence m**....

A mathematician walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender for a pint. Then another mathematician walks into the bar, and asks for half a pint. Suddenly, an infinite number of mathematicians walk into the bar, asking for a quarter pint, an eighth, and so on, each asking for half of what the last mathematician ordered...
The bartender knows what's up. He says, "Oh, you mathematicians!" and pours two pints total for everyone.

An American walks into an Irish pub...

He slams some money on the counter and loudly announces "These 100 Pounds go to the man who can drain ten pints of guinness without pausing!" He then orders the bartender to line up ten pints, and asks "Anyone who thinks he can do it?"
After a moment, p**... gets up and says "I'll have a go at it, but before that, can I go outside for a few minutes?" "Sure, why not" comes the answer.
So p**... walks out and, after a little while, comes back in. "Okay, I'm ready" he says, picks up one pint after another and drains all of the glasses. The American is very impressed, but as he hands out the money, he has to ask: "Say, where did you go just before you won my little bet here?"
"Ah, just went to Reilly's pub next door to see if I could do it!"

Came up with this on the spot tonight

Two rocks walk into a bar. They sit down and the bartender asks them what they would like. One rock, speaking for the both of them says "we'll have two pints please". Astounded by this, the second rock exclaims "Pints?!" He turns to the bartender and tells him "two quartz".

The Good Old Days!

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
"Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look." 

pint of guiness

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." 
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey y**..., is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds."
"Aye" replied the Scot, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.
"Ok y**..., pay up." said the Scot
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Scot replied, "Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

A Scotsman goes into a bar...

Sits at the table and orders 4 pints of Innis & Gunn.
Waiter says: 4 pints?
Aye, me lads have all moved away and we toast each other by drinking a pint for each of us.
A few days later he comes back in and orders 3 pints.
The waiter says oh no sorry for the loss of your friend.
The Scotsman says Ack, no nobody died, I just quit drinking.

Texan in Ireland

A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness.
He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping"
Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether.
About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says "I'll take you up on that challenge"
The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs each one, hardly stopping to take a breath.
"Wow that was amazing!" exclaims the Texan "here's your money... but tell me one thing...why did you leave when I first made the offer?"
The Irishman wiped off his chin and said "I went to another pub to make sure I could do it."

An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm....

A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have three pints of Guinness please".
The bartender looks at the Irishman.
Looks at the penguin.
Looks at the crocodile.
Looks at the parrot.
Looks back to the Irishman and says,
"What's all this supposed to be then? Some kind of joke?"

An elderly Irishman walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender for 3 pints, sits down and drinks all 3. Next week he does the same thing, and so on, week after week, until finally the bartender asks him:
"Pardon me sir, but I happen to notice you order 3 beers each week, without fail... no more, no less. May I ask why?"
"Oh, well I have 2 brothers you see, and so I have a pint for each of them and one for me as well."
A few years later, the Irishman walks into the bar, but he only orders 2 pints this time. The bartender is surprised, and after a while he realizes what's happened.
"Pardon me sir, I don't mean to pry, but I notice you've ordered only 2 this week and, well, I'd like to extend my condolences for your loss. I have a brother myself, and I can only imagine the pain it would cause..."
"No lad," interrupted the Irishman, "I'm just off drinking!"

An Irishman walks into a bar...

...and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up.
"Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this."
This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?"
"No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"

So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."

p**... goes to the pub...

He's drunk 16 pints of beer, and decides to walk home along the canal.
As he's walking along the canal he see's a chap who's just thrown himself in the canal, p**... reacts bravely and rescues him.
The next day the police knock on p**...'s door, they ask him did he save a bloke who jumped in the canal, p**... explains he did and that he doesn't want any special treatment or medals.
The police explain that he shouldn't of bothered, because he hung himself.
p**... replies, "No he didn't, I put him up there to dry!"
Courtesy of Dennis Taylor (UK Snooker Player)

At a bar, the Sailors and Marines are arguing about who can drink the most.

The bartender says, "Can anyone drink 10 pints in 2 minutes?"
The place goes quiet until one sailor pipes up, "I'll bet I can."
Instead of running up to the bar, he runs out the door.
A few minutes later, he's back. "Line 'em up," he yells.
The bartender pours the pints and sure enough, the sailor downs them in 2 minutes.
Amongst the cheers and back-slapping, the bartender asks, "where'd ya go just now before the contest?"
The sailor looks up, bleary eyed, "I went to the bar across the street to see if I could do it!"

Irishman and a Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .

Math Joke #2

A group of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint, the next asks for half a pint, then the next a quarter of a pint and the next an eight of a pint.
Eventually the barmen hands over 2 pints and says, "You mathematicians do not know your limits."
Cr

DRINKING BUDDIES

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

This old man was reminiscing about the good old days...

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many f**...' security cameras.

A lot of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one says "I'll have a pint."
The second says "I'll have half a pint."
Bartender replies "We don't serve half pints."
All the remaining mathematicians moan "Way to ruin the joke!"

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

What did the pints say upon landing on Planet Metric?

"Take us to your liter."

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar..

They both sit at the bar and start drinking..8 pints later...
the giraffe falls down drunk
The bartender says "You better not leave that lying there"
The man says "Thats not a lion, thats a giraffe"

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

Why can't floyd mayweather Jr drink pints quickly?

Because he's only a lightweight.

What do you call a woman who can balance 5 pints of lager on each arm?

Beatrix

A recent study showed that Alcohol contains female hormones.

In the study, ten men were told to each drink 10 pints. By the end of it, none of them could drive, and everything they said was hard to listen to.

An infitite number of mathmeticians walk into a bar...

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second, half a pint, the third an quarter and so on. The barman pours 2 pints of beer and says "know your limits".

Mathematicians in a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half a pint, the third 1/4 pint, the fourth 1/8... the bartender gets impatient, gives the whole group 2 pints and says "you guys dont know your limits..."

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.
The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.
The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.

I gave two pints of blood at the hospital.

You would think they'd appreciate it but they just started asking me questions like...
Who's blood is this, and how did you get it?

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of v**...

The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:
'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'
'What have you got?' Asked the barman.
The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'

Scientific research recently revealed....

Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

If someone helps you drink 2.114 pints

They're literally your liter ally

I had 8 pints of yoghurt last night.

I was Mullered..

An infinite number of mathematics walk into a bar...

The bartender asked what they want. The first says a pint, the next says half a pint, next says a 1/4th a pint, next says an 1/8th a pint and so on until the bartender gets tired of hearing what they want. He pours two pints and says "Y'all need to learn your limits."

Two men are sitting in a bar

Two men are sitting in a bar. One leans to the other and says "Hey Patrick, if you can guess how many pints I have behind my back I'll give you both of em"

I'm not Deaf

I shouted to the barmaid, Two pints of lager please.
She said, I'm not deaf.
I said, Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening.

Where does a trial over two pints of beer take place?

An appellate quart

3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work

2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

My dog becomes even more adorable after five pints of beer.

He starts stumbling everywhere and rolling around.

Two archers are sipping pints in a pub.

The first archer says, "Did you see the new leathersmith? He's a beast of a man with eyes as black as night."
To which the second archer replies, "Aye, he makes me quiver".

The mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a pint of beer. The second mathematician orders a half. The third, a quarter pint. There is an infinite line up of Mathematicians.
The bartender fills up two pints and slides it over to the Mathematicians.

I drove past an accident involving an ice cream truck.

It must have been pretty bad because I heard one of the paramedics say that it looks like they lost a few pints.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"
"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"
"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have s**... for FREE!"
"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"
"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk.

Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
she confirms saying "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman. "Up to my neck will be fine."

An American man is drinking in a pub in Ireland...

He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"
No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.
The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who had walked out earlier. "Does your bet still stand?" He asks.
The American says yes and gets him his pints. The Irishman then drinks all 10 in 10 minutes.
The American gives him his money, he says "That was amazing! But why did you leave earlier?"
The Irish man says "I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it first!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one to enter asked for a pint of whatever's on tap.
The second, third, fourth, and so on all the way to the infinite subsequent patron to enter said "I'll have half of what he's having", pointing to the person who came before him.
The bar tender responded "you're all idiots!" and poured two pints.

It just doesn't make sense

You know how people donate a pint of blood and are hailed as a hero. I go into the clinic and donate 8 pints of blood already packaged. And then they gotta go call the police. Guess I have to find another way to get rid of my mother in law.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter pint. The bartender interrupts them, You guys need to learn your limits. Two pints, coming right up!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..

It's funny how 8 cups of water a day seems impossible...

but 8 pints and 4 shots in 3 hours goes down quicker than a chubby kid on a see-saw!

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders 1 pint, the second orders a half pint, the third a 1/4 pint, and so on. This goes on for awhile until the bartender finally stops them, hands them 2 pints, and says "you mathematicians just don't know your limits"

Man & his Giraffe walk into a bar

The man orders a pint for himself and 1 for his giraffe. They finish the drink and the man orders another 2 pints. This keeps going until leaving time when the man and giraffe go to leave. The giraffe collapses on the walk out but the man keeps on walking. The bartender shouts " you can't leave that lying here". The man turns back and says it's not a lion its a giraffe

An American, an Englishman, and a Russian walk into a bar

And they all share some pints and have a good time

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one asks for a pint. The second asks for half a pint. The third asks for a quarter pint. and so on.
The bartender stops them and pours 2 pints and says "Know your limits"

The last thing my grandfather said to me was Pints! Litres! Gallons!

That spoke volumes.

We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.

He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America .
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.
One day, the man walked into the bar and said, bartender, one beer please . Silence fell. After a few moments, the bartender comes over, hands the man his pint, and says, Hey, I'm really sorry about your brother .
What? Me brother is fine! I've quit drinking .

A bra, a battery, and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar...

The battery and cables sit down at a table while the bra approaches the bartender.
Bra says, "Three pints, please."
Bartender replies, "I'm not serving you."
The bra asks why not.
Bartender answers, "Because you're clearly off your t**... and your friends look like they're about to start something."

Guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer, he drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint and gets up to leave. The barman says why are you not drinking the other three pints.? He says, doctors orders, what do you mean by that asks the barman.? I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.

The last thing that my grandfather said before he died was Pints! Litres! Gallons!

That spoke volumes.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a pint.
The second orders a half pint.
The third orders a quarter pint.
The bartender sees where this is going, he pours them all two pints of beer and says, "you guys are d**...".

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

Pints joke, An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

jokes about pints

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these pints jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.