Pint Jokes
108 pint jokes and hilarious pint puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pint that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with this collection of hilarious pint jokes! From Mega Pints to Half Pints, these corny jokes about pint glasses, bottles, and more are sure to make any beer drinker smile. Perfect for a brewery gathering or to whet your party's appetite!
Funniest Pint Short Jokes
Short pint jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pint humour may include short pail jokes also.
- So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
- If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
- What did the Irishman text his Wife? "Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."
- I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..." "...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."
- Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.
- I got a pay rise in my job. At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.
I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint. - Two old englishmen are standing on the underground platform The first old man asks "Is this Wembley?"
The other replies "No, Thursday."
The first replies "Ah! So am I. Shall we go and get a pint?" - A man walks into a bar with a big slab of tarmac/asphalt under his arm... The barman asks him, "So what can I get you?"
"I'll have a pint and eh, one for the road." - A radio wave walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The barman says, "here you go, but why the long phase?"
- An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.
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Pint One Liners
Which pint one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pint? I can suggest the ones about paint and pinch.
- What do you call two pints of strict rules? A quart of law
- What comes in pints? elephants
- How does a geometry teacher drink beer? From pint A to pint B.
- What do you call a man who's had ten pints and wants to drive back home? A taxi.
- What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint? Catholic
- I saw a guy pour a pint of milk out on the floor the other day, I thought, how dairy!
- Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles? The Supreme Quart
- I drank a pint of beer in Saudi Arabia the other day... ... It cost me an arm and a leg.
- What do you call a woman juggling pints of lager and playing snooker? Beatrix Potter
- Grenade toss: How do you measure leadership? 1.75 pints at a time.
- Where does a trial over two pints of beer take place? An appellate quart
- Why can't floyd mayweather Jr drink pints quickly? Because he's only a lightweight.
- Where do web developers meet for a pint? At the Inet Pub
- I had 8 pints of yoghurt last night. I was Mullered..
- If someone helps you drink 2.114 pints They're literally your liter ally
Pint Beer Jokes
Here is a list of funny pint beer jokes and even better pint beer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint… His mate Gauguin walks in to the bar and says,
Hi Vinny, fancy a beer?
Vincent says,
No thanks , I've got one 'ere… . - A dead battery walks into a bar,and asks for the price of a pint of beer. The barman responds, "For you, sir, no charge."
- My dog becomes even more adorable after five pints of beer. He starts stumbling everywhere and rolling around.
- She said that burying her mom was the hardest thing she'd ever done I laughed and said "You've obviously never sneezed while holding a full pint of beer have you?"
- I was once at a bar with an Irishman. He told me that Irish beer is far better than other beer because it get him drunk the fastest.
Personally, I disagree, but he raises a good pint. - Male walks into a bar with a lump of concrete under his arm he says "I'll have a pint of beer and one for the road ".
- What do Roy Moore and craft beer have common? They both come in half-pints...
Pint Guinness Jokes
Here is a list of funny pint guinness jokes and even better pint guinness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
- Michael O'Leary walks into a bar... ... and says, "I'll have a pint of Guinness please." "Of course sir," the barman says, "and will sir be having a glass with that?"
Delightful Fun Pint Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about pint you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pong jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pint pranks.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"
The Edge walks into a bar.
U2 guitarist The Edge walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll ......................................... have a pint of Guinness."
The bartender replies "What's with all the delay?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poor ol' Billy Smith
Last night, the barman asked, "How come every time you come in here with your wife, Billy Smith quickly finishes his pint and leaves?"
I replied, "Billy was actually the first person to introduce us."
"So?"
"So, I usually punch him when I see him."
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
A Tesco Burger, produced in Ireland walks into a bar.
A Tesco Burger, produced in Ireland walks into a bar..
He says to the barman 'Can I have a pint please?'
Barman says 'Sorry pal, didn't quite catch that, speak up a bit'
Burger says 'Sorry there, I'm a little bit horse'
A Man Walks Into A Bar.....
He says to the bartender gimme a shot of whiskey. He get's it and downs it. He then says get me a glass of whiskey, he get's that and downs it. Then he asks for a pint of whiskey, the bartender says "Well he won't down this one" the guy downs it. by now he's swaying and staggering, he then asks for two pints of whiskey. The bartender says "Why are you downing all these whiskeys so fast?" the guy replies "Because I've only got 50 pence"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind man walks into a bar...
...and after managing to find himself an empty seat at the bar he orders a pint.
Bartender fills the pint and as it is being placed in front of the blind man says, "hey Bartender, wanna hear a dumb blonde girl joke?"
Bar goes silent.
"Hey man," the Bartender says, "you're blind so there is a few things you should know before you tell your joke. You are in a d**... bar, the only one in town actually, and many of us are blonde. I am blonde. Sid the biker chick next to you is blonde and so is her girlfriend. The bouncer is also blonde along with the 2 chicks behind you playing pool. Do you really want to tell that joke?"
"Nah, you're right." says the blind man, "I would have to explain it too many times."
An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...
and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a Saturday evening...
It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"
The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."
My rubbish dog joke.
A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'
An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman walk into a pub...
They each enjoyed a pint and shared some laughs. It was a great night.
An Irish man finds a lamp
He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"
A Panda goes into a bar and is asked what he would like to drink, the panda says 'I would like a....
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... Pint of Guinness please. The bartender says, sure no problem but why the big pause?
A Scotsman goes into a bar...
Sits at the table and orders 4 pints of Innis & Gunn.
Waiter says: 4 pints?
Aye, me lads have all moved away and we toast each other by drinking a pint for each of us.
A few days later he comes back in and orders 3 pints.
The waiter says oh no sorry for the loss of your friend.
The Scotsman says Ack, no nobody died, I just quit drinking.
A wig walks into a bar.
A wig walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint.
Bartender replies "No way man!"
Wig "Why not?"
Bartender "Have you seen yourself? You're off your head!"
;D
Math Joke #2
A group of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint, the next asks for half a pint, then the next a quarter of a pint and the next an eight of a pint.
Eventually the barmen hands over 2 pints and says, "You mathematicians do not know your limits."
Cr
Two Englishmen walk into a nearly empty American bar and one orders a pint of Strongbow
The bartender replies, "Oh, you boys must be British."
"You can tell from the order and accent, can you?" responds one of the Englishmen.
The bartender replies, "No, I can tell because you two lined up even though you're the only two at the bar!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy was born without a body
A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he'**... by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Adolf h**...'s Refrigerator
Adolf h**... opens his fridge to find 5 gallons of Tropicana, 8 gallons of Cranberry Ocean Spray, 1 gallon of Grape Minute Maid and a pint of V8. How long until he eliminates all of the juice?
A drunk's prayer...
A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"
Man walks into a bar
"2 whisky, 1 pint and 3 brandy"
Drinks all and takes the bottle of whisky and continues to fill and drink.
Barman " WOAHHH Slow down pal take it easy, what's the problem?"
Man " I only have £1.60"
My favourite joke
So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.
The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.
The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... And Murphy Are In The Pub
p**... and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. p**... says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
After finishing my pint really quickly, the barman told me to calm down.
I said, "You're telling me? You just drunk my pint!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"
A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar
He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender
"I'll have a pint please"
The bartender looks him up and down and laughs
"You're way too young!"
"How you know my name!"
The CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub...
Michael O'Leary, the CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub.
The he says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer?"
The bartender says "Certainly, that'll be €0.50"
He responds with "50 cents? That's wonderfully cheap!"
But then the bartender tells him "And it'll be €1 for the glass, €3 if you want to sit down, €7 if you stand up, €15 to use the loo... "
A traveling companion.
A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and orders, "I'll have a pint, please. And one for the road."
An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...
All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.
"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
Two elderly men in a bar...
...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are chatting over a pint
Bob turns to John and says, "You're looking down in the dumps, what's wrong?"
"It's the wife. Since she's started this high-powered job, she's cut our s**... down to 3 times a week!"
"You're lucky" remarked Bob. "She's cut me out completely!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...
She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the s**... bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"
An American, An Englishman, and A Bavarian walk into a bar
The American orders a bud, the Englishman a pint of ale.
The Bavarian orders a coke and says to the others:
"If you won't drink beer, I won't either."
Welsh pub
One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.
All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"
"No," replied the man, "I'm from London."
"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." Replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The bartender then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's o.k. lads, he's one of us!"
A huge crab walks into a bar...
...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"
A man with a pickaxe walks into a bar and orders a pint
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve minors here"
An Irishman walks into a bar.....
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.
The barman asks: What do you have?
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!
It just doesn't make sense
You know how people donate a pint of blood and are hailed as a hero. I go into the clinic and donate 8 pints of blood already packaged. And then they gotta go call the police. Guess I have to find another way to get rid of my mother in law.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**..., a m**..., and a Chick walk into a bar.
The s**... says, "Une tequila por favor."
The bar tender gives it to him.
The m**... says "Ah'll 'ave a pint o' Guinness."
The Chick says "Tweet tweet."
What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal that hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
Another 'walks into a bar' joke
The barman says, 'That'll be two pounds please.'
He ordered a pint of lager.
A time-traveller walks into a bar.
An Englishman, a Scot and a Welshman walk into a bar.
They order a pint of beer each. As they are served a fly lands in their glass.
The English man pushes the pitcher away in disgust.
The Scot removes the fly with a finger and drinks the beer.
The Welsh guy picks up the fly, holds it above the pitcher and shouts : spit it out.
I was talking to the barman.
"I hate my wife," I said, finishing my pint.
"Would you like another?" he asked.
I said, "Yes. But don't tell her I said that."
An American, a Brit, and an Irishman each order a pint.
When the bartender delivers the drinks, each one has a fly floating in it.
The American throws a fit, yelling, saying how he can't drink it, take it back immediately, etc.
The Brit removes the fly and politely enjoys his beer.
The Irishman is furious. STOP DRINKING MY BEER AND GET YOUR OWN!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
Man walks in to a bar and asks for a spoonful of lager in a pint glass, topped up with water.
"That's a strange drink to order" says the barman.
"That's what you'd be drinking if you had what I've got" replied the man.
"What have you got?" Asked the barman.
"Eleven Pence"....,
James Dean had a tiring day at work
James Dean had a long and tiring day at work, so he decided to stop at a pub on the way home. He ordered a pint of Coors Light and some whiskey. Before the drinks were poured he changed his mind - instead of the pint he asked for a can of Red Bull. He was getting a Red Bull without a Coors!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your a**..., and c**... on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
Took my son out for his first pint got him a Carlsberg.
He didn't like it. I drank it got him a Fosters.
He didn't like it. I drank it.
Same with the Guinness, the cider and the whiskey.
By the end of the night, I could hardly push his pram home.
We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.
He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America .
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.
One day, the man walked into the bar and said, bartender, one beer please . Silence fell. After a few moments, the bartender comes over, hands the man his pint, and says, Hey, I'm really sorry about your brother .
What? Me brother is fine! I've quit drinking .
My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop.
The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.
Guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer, he drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint and gets up to leave. The barman says why are you not drinking the other three pints.? He says, doctors orders, what do you mean by that asks the barman.? I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.
Cheaper Pub in the World
Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;
‟That will be $0.05 please sir .
‟Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too
‟Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir .
‟Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps .
‟0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together .
‟This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I would like to thank him .
‟Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife .
‟...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?
‟Same thing I'm doing down here with his business .
Calculus walks into a bar.
He sits down and orders a pint. The barman notices him scribbling some notes on a napkin and asks what he's writing.
Calculus replies, "Oh this... I'm just working on a new formula..."
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave." says the barman, "I can't let you drink and derive".
A guy orders a beer at the bar.
The bartender puts the beer pint in front of him with the coaster under the glass.
Guy drinks his beer and orders another one, the bartender picks up the beer glass but doesn't find a coaster and thinks nothing of it and serves the guy another round.
A few rounds like that and the guy orders another beer but the bartender not having any coasters near him just serves the beer without the coaster.
The guy goes:
"What, no biscuit this time?"
A dumb billionaire walks into a bar and orders a pint. The female bartender notices how attractive he is and slips him her number on a tissue.
" Preposterous! I could get laid for this much!"
I went to the pub last night and was steaming drunk after just one pint.
The eleventh, I think.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How I lost my Teeth
I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this b**... ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said how about giving me your number handsome
I looked at her and asked Do you have a pen sure! She said.
So I said, Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing!
My dental surgery is this Friday!.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar
… and order a pint each.
A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.
Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.
A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: spit it out! Spit it out your little bastad .
A Man Rushes Into A Bar And Says
Quick! Give me a pint of lager, and then a whisky, then another pint and another whisky, then a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, another pint, another whisky, and finally a pint and a whisky
As fast as the bartender is pouring the drinks, the man is knocking them back, one after the other.
The bartender says You okay mate? What's brought this on?
The man replies Man, I should *NOT* be drinking all this with what I've got…
My god replies the bartender, what have you got??
Man replies About five bucks..
A gorilla visits a pub and orders a pint of beer. 'That'll be £7.00' says the barman
The gorilla pays and the barman says 'We don't get many gorillas in the pub' the gorilla replies ' I'm not surprised at these prices'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish man in Dublin
An Irish man, enjoying a pint of Guiness in a pub in Dublin when he approaches a couple of very fat girls with british accent:
- Hi ladies! Are you from England?
- No! Wales!
- Hi whales! Are you from England?
I went to the shop today and picked up a loaf of bread, a pint of milk and a newspaper, I went to pay and said I'm sorry but I only have a £50 note .
She said ok well you'll have to just put one of them back then .
3 Psychoanalysts walk into a bar
Bartender says: we have every beer from around the world. What can I get you fellas?
Sigmund Freud says: I'll have an Austrian lager in a pint glass
Carl Jung says: I'll have a Swiss lager also in a pint glass
Bartender looks at the third guy and says: where you from buddy?
Third guy says proudly: oui oui, I am from France
Bartender: well, a french lager probably like your pals; bottle or a pint?
Jacques says: a lager oui, but do you have it in Lacan?
A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.
The mechanic said It won't become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!
