pilot Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious pilot puns

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".

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The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

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What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

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Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

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I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear."

"The fear of flying?", I asked.

"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."

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Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"

The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

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How many pilots does it take to make good music?

Apparently at least 22

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People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

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Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool?

Don't believe me?

Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!

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A propeller is actually just a big fan to keep the pilot cool...

when it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating

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What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?

Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once

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So I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking..

We've just shot the pilot.

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What did the Kamikaze pilot say to his students?

Pay attention, I am only going to do this once.

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An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker in behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere" The principal turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers where in Messerschmidts"

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Japan's worst kamikaze pilot

He flew over 25 missions

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A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane.

The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down.

Scout Leader "There aren't enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!"

Lawyer "Fuck the children!"

Priest "Do you think there's time?"

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A pilot forgets to turn off his speaker after his speech...

After switching to auto pilot, he stretches, turns to his co-pilot and says:

"Finally I can take a huge dump, then I'll fuck that blonde flight attendant."

Hearing this, young flight attendant starts to run through the aisle to warn pilot about the speaker, but she stumbles and falls, next to an old woman. Woman puts her hand on flight attendant's shoulder and says:

"Don't rush young lady, let him take a dump first..."

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(Hope its no re-post) So this pilot was talking to his co-pilot...

and he says, "man i could really use a blowjob and a coffee." Little did he know, he had his hand on the intercom, blasting his statement out to the whole plane. The flight attendants all exchanged looks before one of them started running up to the front of the plane to tell the pilot to let go of the button. On her way there a passenger shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

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"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...

Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"

Amber: "I want to be a teacher"

Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"

James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"

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Two pilots are landing a plane.

Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.

When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"

The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

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Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?

Because the pilot was terrible.

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If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

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A rabbi and a priest...

take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the chute and says, " I have a life to live! F*ck the kids! "

The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "

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What's the difference between a Pakistani grade school and an Al-Qaeda training base?

How am I supposed to know, I just pilot the drone

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As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

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Two priests are on a plane

So two priests are flying with a planeload of Sunday school kids to the Vatican to meet the Pope. Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot tells them that the plane is going to crash and that there are only two parachutes.

One priest turns to the other and says, grab the chutes and we'll jump!

What about the children? Replies the other priest.

Fuck the children! Yells the older priest.

The younger one says, do you think we have time?

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Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport

The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest damn runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks to the left, then looks to the right and says "Yea, but it sure is wide"

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High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"

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What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane

A pilot

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A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane... (first joke, an old favorite of mine)

The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.

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An airplane is going down...

... so the pilot gets on the intercom and says "we have too much weight, we are going to have to throw off everybody's luggage."

But, afterwards they are still going down... So, the pilot says "Alright, I'm sorry to inform you that we are going to have to start throwing people off of the plane, we'll go in A, B, C order..."

"Africans, any Africans?" Nobody stands up.

"Okay, black people, any black people?" Nobody stands up.

"Colored people, any colored?" Still nobody.

So, a little black boy looks at his mom and says, "Mom, aren't we African, black, and colored?" "No, son, today we are niggers." She tells him.

The little black boy turns to a Mexican boy and says "Haha, you are getting thrown off before us!" The Mexican boy looks at him and says "Not today, nigger, today we're wetbacks!"

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Three gay guys die in a car accident...

Stricken with grief, their lovers meet at a local coffee shop to ease away the pain.

"My boyfriend was a great pilot." Said the first man. "Im going to cremate his body and spread his ashes in the sky".

"My boyfriend was a great sailor." Said the second man. "Im also going to cremate his body and spread his ashes in the ocean".

After thinking for a bit the third man says "My boyfriend was a great lover. Im going to cremate his body too and Im going to mix it inside my home made chili".

"Chili?!" ask the other two.

"Yes Chili. So a few hours after I eat it, I can feel him rip my asshole one last time.

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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What are the most funny Pilot jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Pilot? Well, here are the best Pilot dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Pilot pick up lines to share with friends.

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