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Pilot Flight Attendant Jokes

32 pilot flight attendant jokes and hilarious pilot flight attendant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pilot flight attendant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Pilot Flight Attendant Short Jokes

Short pilot flight attendant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pilot flight attendant humour may include short flight attendant jokes also.

  1. My wife's an aspiring actor, and things most be going really well! On her last flight to LA (she's a flight attendant) she told me she did multiple pilots!
  2. I'm glad that flight attendants are never obese. So pilots have only one option for a soft landing.

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Pilot Flight Attendant One Liners

Which pilot flight attendant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pilot flight attendant? I can suggest the ones about airline pilot and airline stewardess.

  1. What do you call it when a flight attendant gets pregnant? Pilot error.

Pilot Flight Attendant Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about pilot flight attendant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean airplane pilot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pilot flight attendant pranks.

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit, talking, when they realize they are flying over a huge crater.


"Wow, what a beautiful sight," says the first pilot.
"It is, isn't it?" the other pilot replies.
Then a flight attended joins them.
"Sir, what are we flying over?" she asks the first pilot.
"It's a crater. A meteor crashed into the earth and left that giant hole."
"Wow," replies the flight attendant. "And what's that building right next to it?"
"That's the visitors center," the second pilot says.
"Phew," she says. "They really got lucky, didn't they?"

A blonde boards a plane to Miami...

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

Airline Safety

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"
"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane...

Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"

A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"why did we take off so late?"
To which the flight attendant replies:
"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."

One of my personal favorites (Thanks Good Will Hunting)

So I'm on a plane flying from New York to LA and the pilot gives his "now free to move about the cabin" message, only he forgets to turn off the mic, so the entire plane hears him when he turns to the copilot and says "Man I could really use a coffee and a b**...." The flight attendant runs to the cockpit to tell the pilot the mic was on, so I yell out "Hey honey, don't forget the coffee!"

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."*

So I was on a plane when the pilot makes his announcement..

"We will be arriving at our destination in 3 hours..." But he forgot to turn off the microphone and says to his co-pilot "Ahhh, I could really do with a BJ and a coffee right now!". So a flight attendant runs to the front of the plane and as she ran past I then said "HEY! Don't forget the coffee!"

A joke from one of my friends who's an airline pilot

So he often says, right before take off "Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to thank you for choosing Jet Blue and would also like to thank the wonderful flight attendants for their professionalism and dedication to trying to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible. However, you won't find any of those people on this flight. So sit back and please fasten your seat belts as we will shortly begin our ascent"

A little kid on a plane asks a flight attendant, "How come people can have babies, but planes can't have baby planes?"

The flight attendant tells the kid that is a question for the pilot.
She takes the kid to the cockpit and introduces the child to pilot and tells him to ask his question.
The kid asks the pilot "Why do people have babies but planes don't have baby planes?"
The pilot responds, "I can't speak for the other airlines, but this one always pulls out on time."

Engine failure

A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing.
After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards"

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

Sheesh calm down.

- Ladies and Gentlemen, This is you captain speaking. Thank you for choosing our avia company, And thank you for being my first passengers, I just finished my training, hope everything will go smooth...
There are some worried whispers started and eventually people start shouting to get out from the plane. A flight attendant running to cockpit and after that pilot speaking again.
- Ladies and Gentlemen, This is you captain speaking. Please calm down, I was joking about training, Actually my twin got sick, I am covering him today.

Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a b**....
Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.
Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.
As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!

Blonde flying to Houston, TX

A blonde hops on a flight to Houston, TX. She sees first class sits down and thinks, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am." So the flight is about to take off and the flight attendant comes by and asks for the ladies ticket. "Mam, your ticket is for coach. You need to go back to your seat because this is first class seating." The blonde replies. "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am." Puzzled the flight attendant goes to the pilot and says "We have a problem, this blonde lady in first class wont go back to coach where her ticket is." The pilot then says, "My wife is blonde, let me take care of this." Pilot walks up to the blonde and says "Mam, May I see your ticket?" Blonde hands him the ticket.
Quickly the pilot says to the blonde, "You might want to go back to coach, first class isn't flying to Houston." She quickly gets up and goes to coach.

Flight Attendant on the Airplane

The other day I was on a red eye flight from Logan Airport in Boston to SeaTac in Seattle. The pilot got on the intercom and did his courtesy remarks: "welcome aboard, our flight will be 5 and a 1/2 hours... please relax and enjoy the rest of your flight."
After making the announcement he proceeds to talk to the co-pilot without turning off the intercom: "man, I sure could use a cup of coffee and a good lay right now."
The stewardess comes running up from the back of the plane to tell the pilot that the intercom is still on when the guy sitting behind me yells: "hey hun! Don't forget the coffee!"

Fright Flight

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane.
Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.
There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.
More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.

The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff.
As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!!
The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway.
The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

A blonde goes to Paris

A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class.
The flight attendant went up to her and told her - very politely - that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" The stewardess quickly went away.
Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back down to coach. And again the blonde said "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!"
Now the two were in peril and were talking about what to do, when the pilot came back from his bathroom break. They told him what had happened, then nodded and said that he would take care of it. He then went into first class, walked up to the blonde's seat and said something to her. A second later the blonde got up, apologized and went down to coach again.
The flight attendants immediately asked him, what he had said to make her go back to coach. The pilot smiled and said: "I just told first class didn't go to Paris."

First Class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde b**... sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

In the spirit of a TIL that made it to the front page.

I'm sitting on this plane and the pilot comes on the PA system to tell the passengers that we are now flying at cruising altitude and all that nonsense but when he put the phone down he missed the hang up. All the passengers could still hear the pilot as he turns to to copilot and says, "You know I could really go for a a cup of coffee and a b**... right now." The flight attendant went running up the aisle to tell the pilot he didn't hang up and as she races by my seat the guy behind me shouts, "Hey, honey! Don't forget that cup of coffee!"

Blonde becomes a flight attendent

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A blond girl is on a plane to Dallas...

... she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says "Excuse me, mam, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class, could you please move to coach?"
She puts down her magazine, looks at her in the eyes, and says "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas." She continues reading her magazine.
The flight attendent calls the co-pilot to talk to her. The co-pilot confronts her and says "I'm the co-pilot of this plane, and I'm happy to hear you're excited to be going to Dallas, but could you please move to coach? You don't have a first class seat."
She puts down her magazine, looks at him in the eyes, and says "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas." She continues reading her magazine.
The co-pilot, furious and not knowing what to do, goes to the Captain and asks if he can talk to her. The Captain gets up and talks to the woman. The woman grabs her bags and moves to coach. He returns to the co-pilot. The co-pilot asks "How did you get her to move? We've tried talking to her but nothing happened. What did you say?" and the captain responded saying "I told her first class isn't going to Dallas."

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here .
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde b**... sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here .
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde .
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, Oh, I'm sorry and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, First class isn't going to Sydney

An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.
Having heard the c**... a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York.


The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots.
The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says:
Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...

There's this blonde.
She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class.
please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened.
so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job.
I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on.
He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane.
They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else.
I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".