Pills Jokes
144 pills jokes and hilarious pills puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pills that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the lighter side of pharmaceuticals with these amusing pills jokes! From sleeping pill puns to pharmacist gags, these jokes will give you the laughter medicine you need. Make your next medication break a humorous one with these pill jokes.
Funniest Pills Short Jokes
Short pills jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pills humour may include short tablets jokes also.
- If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris
- Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.
- I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill. - My Dad had a headache the other day so I asked if he needed any pills. He said "The only pills that could have stopped this head ache should have been taken 16 years ago"
- Why are diet pills so effective in the UK? If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
- Doctor: You need to take this pills everyday for the rest of your life Him : But there's only 3 pills doctor
Doctor : Exactly - Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
- On the back of a pack of condoms it said: "Keep away from children." So now I have to get her the morning after pill.
- People say the hardest part of the first date is the first kiss. No idea what they mean, the hardest part of my first date was getting her to take the sleeping pills.
- I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boot. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought... "A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."
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Pills One Liners
Which pills one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pills? I can suggest the ones about drugs and painkillers.
- There's now a morning after pill for guys. It changes your blood type.
- What's the medical term for a chill pill? A relaxative
- What do you call movie night at Bill Cosby's house? Netflix and pill
- I always walk very quietly past pharmacies... so I don't wake up the sleeping pills.
- Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism. But I'm not buying it.
- Why are pills white? Because they work!
- Why there were no pharmacies in USSR? Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach
- Why did the old man put jelly beans in his pill organizer? He had dementia.
- I just created a memory loss pill! At least, I think I did...
- I have pills that makes you forget stuff If only I remembered where i left them...
- What kind of pills did Jesus take before Ascension? Uppers
- My psych recommended me some pills to deal with my schizophrenia I haven't seen him since
- What do you call a colonial pharmacist? A PILL-gram.
- I've just bought anti-anxiety pills But I'm too afraid to take them
- New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!
Sleeping Pills Jokes
Here is a list of funny sleeping pills jokes and even better sleeping pills puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just found out why they open medicine cabinets very carefully... To not disturb and wake up the sleeping pills...
- I said to the chemist: Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife? He said: Why? I said: She keeps waking up.
- I remember once before a big school exam, I wanted to get a good night's rest, so I asked my Mom if I could borrow some of her sleeping pills. She said "Sure! Knock yourself out!"
- Roseanne and Bill Cosby have at least one thing in common. They can both blame the sleeping pills.
- My friend keeps lying about how he didn't steal my sleeping pills Whatever helps him sleep at night.
- Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy? In case you wake the sleeping pills!
- The blonde tip-toed near the medicine cabinet so that she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. This is not a joke, ambien serious!
- Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard? He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep? A trunkquilizer.
Comical Pills Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about pills you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean medication jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pills pranks.
What do you call Matthew Broderick after he takes his Iron deficiency pills?
Ferrous Bueller
Buddy, those pills you're taking, are they for your face?
No, they're for my low self esteem.. So you're not taking anything for your face?
(Courtesy of C&H)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
e**... your ears for this one
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
Two old men
Fred and Bob were sitting in an old people's home.
"Fred," says Bob, "Do you remember those pills they gave us back in the war to stop us being interested in girls?"
"Oh yes," chuckles Fred, "I'd forgotten about them. Never did much good, did they!"
"Well, I don't know," replies Bob. "I was just thinking that they might be starting to work."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy
A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males employed here. Sir, how can I help you? I am a pharmacist & I will be professional."
The man pondered over this & then said, "Well. OK. Every day, I have an e**... that lasts for 3 hours. I don't take any pills. It's just a natural occurrence. What can you give me for it?"
The pharmacist thought about it for a moment, then said, "Let me call my sister. Wait right here." She came back a few minutes later & said, "Here's what we can offer you: 1/3 ownership of the store, a company truck, a king size waterbed, & $3000/month living expenses."
My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.
I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.
Computer games don't affect kids.
If, say, pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Beauty and the beast
Belle goes to a petting zoo with her four year old daughter. She bent down to pet a small pony and started coughing from an allergic reaction to the pony's fur. She pulled out a bottle of allergy pills as her strokes on the pony became more and more e**..., eventually causing it to sprout an e**.... A worker came rushing up to her hastily saying "please put that away. There are children here." Belle responded, "oh sorry. I was feeling a little hoarse."
I'll just apologise right now...
A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."
The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that, Mr Jones?"
"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."
"I shouldn't worry about that," replies the doctor. "Those are just side effects..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...
He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.
"She's thirteen." the man says.
The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she s**... active?"
The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
j**... grandson : Grandma,grandma did you see my pills I left on the table ?
Grandma: F*c**... the pills,did you see those dragons in the kitchen ?
Why did the UN outlaw diet pills?
Because they're weapons of mass destruction.
Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical m**... store
I'll call it glazed and confused
What do canes and blue pills have in common?
They're both ready for use when a man is limp.
What do you call that part of the pharmacy where they keep the condoms, birth-control pills, etc.?
The Contrasection.
Police has arrested a charlatan
He was attempting to sell trusting elderly people some pills that were supposed to bring them their youth back.
After further investigation the police found out that the same man has been previously arrested for the same thing in years 1734, 1859 and 1926.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Doughnuts
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't ethiopians take med pills?
Cause they can't take 'em with empty stomach.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hear about that 70s date r**... band?
Cosby Pills Smash and Run
I went to the doctor and told him I thought I might be a kleptomaniac.
He said, "Here, take these pills."
So I took them.
"Silent farts that don't stink..."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
I threw some pills at my doctor
I thought it would be a good idea to give him a taste of his own medicine
Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...
This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.
A man goes into a pharmacy
And asks,
Do you have pills for memory?
The pharmacist says,
Yes we do.
And the man goes:
You do what?
Eternal life
Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946.
What do you get when the Pillsbury dough boys bend over?
Dough-nuts (South Park reference again; just spreading it).
If video games were really bad for you, then the entire Pac-man generation would be eating pills and running away from their problems
Oh wait.
Patient: Doctor every night i see ants playing football
Doctor: It's okay take these pills
Patient: No way tomorrow is the final
Why are there no headache pills in Troy?
Cause Paracetamol
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Pillsbury Doughboy just passed away.
His f**... service will take place at 3:50 and it will take 15-18 minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
I don't understand why we're always sending pills to Africa...
I mean... aren't you supposed to take them after meals?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work...
But who's smart-a**... idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?
What did the director say after the actor took the wrong number of pills on the first shoot of a scene?
"Take two!"
I was biking to work today and someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!
I'm ok though. The injuries were super fish oil.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told her to get some of those pills that increase a girls s**... drive...
...she came home with diet pills for me instead
How does Bill Cosby get girls?
Netflix and pills.
Did you hear the story about the girl who tried overdosing on homeopathic pills?
She survived.
"Sir, wake up!"
The nurse said to the old patient.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because i forgot to give you your sleeping pills!"
So I was part of a double blind clinical study...
So I was a part of a double blind clinical study of the effects of sugar pills on patients. Little did I know, I was part of the placebo group and was given Xanax.
My coworker asked me why all the Plan B pills kept getting stolen
I told her it was probably because they were easier to steal than vacuums
A fat British man walks into a store...
... He sees a box of pills labeled "Lose 50 Pounds Instantly, if it doesn't work we'll give you your money back!". Excited and with nothing to lose, the man promptly purchases the pills and gobbles them down on the spot, but to not effect. Angrily, he tells the cashier it didn't work and he wants his money back. The cashier replies "Yes it did, you have the receipt as proof."
Problems in bed
A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband, "Maybe you should get some pills to help you out."
He agrees.
When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills.
He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her a bottle of diet pills.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a Priest asks a Girl if she is a v**...
the Girl: yes Father
the Priest: so you have no Memory of any Man touching you?
the Girl: of course Father!
the Priest: thank god then those Pills Really work
Doctor- I've got good news and bad news...
Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.
Man- That's great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.
Doctor- Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an e**....
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Headache
Guy gets home from the bar and he wants some s**... time but he finds his wife asleep. So he proceeds to go to the bathroom and makes a lot of noise rummaging the medicine cabinet. The wife wakes up.
Wife: What's with the noise?
Husband: just open up your mouth.
She opens up jet mouth and he proceeds to shoot two pills into her mouth.
Wife: what was that?
Husband: two ibuprofen for your headache.
Wife: but I don't have a headache.
Husband: that's what I wanted to hear
A 32 year old Florida man has died after overdosing on his homeopathic regimen.
He forgot to take his pills.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old woman falls asleep in church
The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"
Its unfortunate that Avicii died but
At least Mike Posner can pop pills in ibiza and not have to worry about impressing anyone.
A New Prison Band coming soon....
Cosby, Pills and Smash
I started using sleeping pills yesterday
Rest assured they worked
My nurse is obsessed with power rangers
Each time she gives me pills she says "it's morphin' time"
why did silly Billy tip toe passed the medicine cabinet?
Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
Did you know you can get nitroglycerine pills to cure sickness?
Yep, just pop one and you'll never be sick again.
The Chinese pharmacist
A man sends his wife to pick up his erectile dysfunction medication.
She gets back and they get undressed and get down to business.
The wife stops and says our new pharmacist is a very nice Chinese man but talks too much politics but don't worry, I made sure your pills aren't made in Russia
Why would it matter if the Russians made my pills said the husband.
The wife responded well the pharmacist told me Russia was meddling in U.S erections
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boss calls in his top 4 employees.
Boss:
Been doing some evaluations. And I am very upset at the results. James, you appear to be buying c**... from some K-Fish. Peterson, you appear to be taking m**... from this same K-Fish. I'm mostly disappointed at you, Jessie, for purchasing pills from this K-Fish person as well.
This is why I'm promoting Kevin Fishouse, for being a great role model for the company.
Why did the Mexican man have to go to the hospital after taking 3 pills?
Because it was an over dos.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..
You'll have nothing to gain.
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years now
And she recently asked me to get some pills that would make sure that I'd be up for some action in the bedroom.
I brought home some diet pills. Apparently that's very much not what she meant.
Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.
News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.
My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.
She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.
The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was hallucinating that we had a son. If only I was married...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple is having s**... one night....
After they finish up, they realize that the c**... ripped during s**.... But before the woman freaks out, the man hands her some birth-control pills he bought earlier.
He came prepared.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
