Pills Jokes

144 pills jokes and hilarious pills puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pills that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the lighter side of pharmaceuticals with these amusing pills jokes! From sleeping pill puns to pharmacist gags, these jokes will give you the laughter medicine you need. Make your next medication break a humorous one with these pill jokes.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Pills Short Jokes

Short pills jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pills humour may include short tablets jokes also.

  1. If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris
  2. Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me... Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..
  3. Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.
  4. I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad!
    2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
    3. My sisters not on the pill.
  5. Did you hear about the new pill that's supposed to turn lesbian women straight? It's called tricoxagain.
  6. My Dad had a headache the other day so I asked if he needed any pills. He said "The only pills that could have stopped this head ache should have been taken 16 years ago"
  7. Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me I'm fine- I only suffered super fish oil injuries
  8. Why are diet pills so effective in the UK? If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
  9. Doctor: You need to take this pills everyday for the rest of your life Him : But there's only 3 pills doctor
    Doctor : Exactly
  10. Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Share These Pills Jokes With Friends

Pills One Liners

Which pills one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pills? I can suggest the ones about drugs and painkillers.

  1. To the guy who stole my weight loss pills.. You'll have nothing to gain.
  2. I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago I'm not too worried about it
  3. What do you call a Roman Emperor, without his epileptic pills? Julius Seizure
  4. There's now a morning after pill for guys. It changes your blood type.
  5. Somebody threw Omega-3 pills at me today. I got super fish oil injuries
  6. What's the medical term for a chill pill? A relaxative
  7. My Mexican uncle takes anti anxiety pills. They're to stop Hispanic attacks
  8. What do you call movie night at Bill Cosby's house? Netflix and pill
  9. Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets? So they don't wake up the sleeping pills.
  10. I always walk very quietly past pharmacies... so I don't wake up the sleeping pills.
  11. Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism. But I'm not buying it.
  12. Why are pills white? Because they work!
  13. What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills? They become mummies.
  14. TIL there is a new type of morning-after pill, and it's
    for men!
    It changes blood type.
  15. Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? To not wake up the sleeping pills.

Sleeping Pills Jokes

Here is a list of funny sleeping pills jokes and even better sleeping pills puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • People say the hardest part of the first date is the first kiss. No idea what they mean, the hardest part of my first date was getting her to take the sleeping pills.
  • Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
  • Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills
  • I just found out why they open medicine cabinets very carefully... To not disturb and wake up the sleeping pills...
  • I said to the chemist: Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife? He said: Why? I said: She keeps waking up.
  • I remember once before a big school exam, I wanted to get a good night's rest, so I asked my Mom if I could borrow some of her sleeping pills. She said "Sure! Knock yourself out!"
  • Be quiet in a pharmacy... You don't want to wake the sleeping pills.
  • Roseanne and Bill Cosby have at least one thing in common. They can both blame the sleeping pills.
  • My friend keeps lying about how he didn't steal my sleeping pills Whatever helps him sleep at night.
  • Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy? In case you wake the sleeping pills!
Pills joke, Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy?

Comical Pills Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about pills you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean medication jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pills pranks.

What do you call Matthew Broderick after he takes his Iron deficiency pills?

Ferrous Bueller

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an e**......

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an e**....

You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.

e**... your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Two old men

Fred and Bob were sitting in an old people's home.
"Fred," says Bob, "Do you remember those pills they gave us back in the war to stop us being interested in girls?"
"Oh yes," chuckles Fred, "I'd forgotten about them. Never did much good, did they!"
"Well, I don't know," replies Bob. "I was just thinking that they might be starting to work."

A man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males employed here. Sir, how can I help you? I am a pharmacist & I will be professional."
The man pondered over this & then said, "Well. OK. Every day, I have an e**... that lasts for 3 hours. I don't take any pills. It's just a natural occurrence. What can you give me for it?"
The pharmacist thought about it for a moment, then said, "Let me call my sister. Wait right here." She came back a few minutes later & said, "Here's what we can offer you: 1/3 ownership of the store, a company truck, a king size waterbed, & $3000/month living expenses."

My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.

I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.

Computer games don't affect kids.

If, say, pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.

I'll just apologise right now...

A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."
The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that, Mr Jones?"
"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."
"I shouldn't worry about that," replies the doctor. "Those are just side effects..."

Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle?

To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...

He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.
"She's thirteen." the man says.
The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she s**... active?"
The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical m**... store

I'll call it glazed and confused

Smart pills

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like c**....''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

What does the Pillsbury Doughboy see when he looks down?

His Doughnuts.

Police has arrested a charlatan

He was attempting to sell trusting elderly people some pills that were supposed to bring them their youth back.
After further investigation the police found out that the same man has been previously arrested for the same thing in years 1734, 1859 and 1926.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?


Yesterday my dear friend Gavin passed away after taking heartburn pills.

I can't believe Gaviscon.

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...

This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.

Eternal life

Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946.

Patient: Doctor every night i see ants playing football

Doctor: It's okay take these pills
Patient: No way tomorrow is the final

The Pillsbury Doughboy just passed away.

His f**... service will take place at 3:50 and it will take 15-18 minutes.

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work...

But who's smart-a**... idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?

I was biking to work today and someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!

I'm ok though. The injuries were super fish oil.

Not Tonight

Guy brings his wife a glass of water and two pills. She looks puzzled. "What's this?"
He says, "Oh, these are your aspirin, sweetheart."
She says, "I don't have a headache."
To which the husband replies, "AH HA!"

Did you hear the story about the girl who tried overdosing on homeopathic pills?

She survived.

My wife told me to go to the doctor to get some of those pills that help get an e**...

Mfw I brought her a box of diet pills.

My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head

Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil

An old lady visits her doctor...

...and says to him:
"Doctor, I have a problem. I keep f**... all day long, luckily they don't smell and are dead silent, can you do something to make it stop?"
"Take these pills and come back after a week for a checkup."
One week later she comes by and says:
"Doctor! Not only didn't the f**... stop, but now they are smelly as a landfill!"
The doctor replies:
"Calm down, miss. I cured your sense of smell, now to do something about that hearing."

My coworker asked me why all the Plan B pills kept getting stolen

I told her it was probably because they were easier to steal than vacuums

A fat British man walks into a store...

... He sees a box of pills labeled "Lose 50 Pounds Instantly, if it doesn't work we'll give you your money back!". Excited and with nothing to lose, the man promptly purchases the pills and gobbles them down on the spot, but to not effect. Angrily, he tells the cashier it didn't work and he wants his money back. The cashier replies "Yes it did, you have the receipt as proof."

Problems in bed

A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband, "Maybe you should get some pills to help you out."
He agrees.
When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills.
He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her a bottle of diet pills.

Doctor- I've got good news and bad news...

Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.
Man- That's great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.
Doctor- Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an e**....
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?


Guy gets home from the bar and he wants some s**... time but he finds his wife asleep. So he proceeds to go to the bathroom and makes a lot of noise rummaging the medicine cabinet. The wife wakes up.
Wife: What's with the noise?
Husband: just open up your mouth.
She opens up jet mouth and he proceeds to shoot two pills into her mouth.
Wife: what was that?
Husband: two ibuprofen for your headache.
Wife: but I don't have a headache.
Husband: that's what I wanted to hear

An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"

I've just bought anti-anxiety pills

But I'm too afraid to take them

Its unfortunate that Avicii died but

At least Mike Posner can pop pills in ibiza and not have to worry about impressing anyone.

Sooooo... with Avicii gone,

Can Mike Posner finally stop taking pills in Ibiza?

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him "Lately I've been dreaming of squirrels playing soccer!"

the doctor says "No problem, take these pills before bed, and it will keep you from having strange dreams."
The guy says "Sounds great, but can i start tomorrow night, tonight are the finals!"

My nurse is obsessed with power rangers

Each time she gives me pills she says "it's morphin' time"

Why there were no pharmacies in USSR?

Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach

The Chinese pharmacist

A man sends his wife to pick up his erectile dysfunction medication.
She gets back and they get undressed and get down to business.
The wife stops and says our new pharmacist is a very nice Chinese man but talks too much politics but don't worry, I made sure your pills aren't made in Russia
Why would it matter if the Russians made my pills said the husband.
The wife responded well the pharmacist told me Russia was meddling in U.S erections

Why did the Mexican man have to go to the hospital after taking 3 pills?

Because it was an over dos.

An old lady goes to the doctor

Says I don't really have a big problem, I f**... all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. As a matter of fact I f**... four times while sitting here talking to you
Dr. Gives her some pills and says come back in a week
A week later the lady shows up and says not sure what you gave me, I'm still f**..., but now they are really loud and it's quite embarrassing
Dr. Says good, now that we've fixed your hearing, let's work on your sinuses

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years now

And she recently asked me to get some pills that would make sure that I'd be up for some action in the bedroom.
I brought home some diet pills. Apparently that's very much not what she meant.

Doctor, every night I dream of mice playing football, what should I do?

-Take these pills tonight, it should all go away
-Can I take them tomorrow?
-Tonight are the finals

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

I was struck by a bottle of omega 3 pills...

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

Hard to s**...

My friend says to me "I'm sick but I'm having a tough time keeping my medicine in me".
"Why don't you try taking it with food like soup or a banana?" I suggest.
A few days later I see him and he's looking a lot better.
"I tried taking my meds with a banana like you said and it worked!" he proclaimed.
"What kind of pills were you taking?" I asked.
"Oh, they weren't pills. They were suppositories."

What's worse than the doctor saying you'll have to take pills every day for the rest of your life ?

Realizing he only gave you one box

My psych recommended me some pills to deal with my schizophrenia

I haven't seen him since

What kind of pills did Jesus take before Ascension?


Not properly prescripted

- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "l**..." engraved on 'em.
- F*c**... them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!


The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that help get an e**....
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!.
I'm still looking for a place to live...can you help?

An old lady goes to the doctor.

"Doctor, i'm constantly passing gas. They're not loud and they don't smell. But I want it to stop."
The doctor gives the woman pills and says
"Take these and call me next week."
So a week later the old lady calls the doctor.
"Your pills didn't work, not only am I still f**..., but they're also extremely loud."
"Good," says the doctor. "We've fixed your hearing, now lets fix your sense of smell."

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can s**... pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

"Doctor I haven't f**... in 5 years."

A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't f**... in 5 years."
The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."
A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't think those pills helped at all, and worse now everything stinks to high heavens!"
"Good!" he says. "We've unplugged your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing."

An old lady is sitting with her doctor

I've been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor. I just can't stop passing gas. Luckily, they're silent and they don't smell at all. Why, you couldn't tell but I've f**... at least five or six times in the few minutes I've been here with you.
The doctor pulled out his prescription pad and began writing.
Are these pills to help with my stomach?
The doctor replied, no – your sense of smell.

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have r**... the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

Why did the spanish take his anti-anxiety pills ?

For hispanic attacks.

they help me sleep better

An old lady goes to a pharmacists and orders contraception pills.
"Why do you need them, in your age?" asks the pharmacist.
"They help me sleep better," replies the old woman.
"How is that possible?" asks the pharmacist.
"I put them in my granddaughter's drink and then I sleep better..."

Pills joke, they help me sleep better

jokes about pills