Pig Day Jokes

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city.
Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse.
The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep.
There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.
The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door.
When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Snow White and the Farm Hand

A newly hired farm hand is tending to his daily duties when he's approached by Snow White.
"How are you today, good sir?" she asks.
"Very good, Snow White." He responds
"How are the animals today? Have you yet to ask them?" She asks.
A bit confused, the farm hand answers, "Animals don't talk, ma'am. However, I'm sure they're just fine."
Snow White walks up to the donkey. "How are you today, donkey?"
"Very good, my lady!" replies the donkey.
She walks up to the pig. "How's your day, pig?"
"A fine day, indeed!" replies the pig.
Suddenly the man starts shouting, "The sheep LIES! The sheep LIES!"

The pig farmer

The pig farmer is having trouble with his pigs not breeding so he visits the vet. The vet suggests he try artificial insemination, and that if successful, the pigs will roll in the mud. Being a simple pig farmer, he thinks "artificial insemination" means "do it himself."
To save his embarrassment and to give himself and the pigs some privacy, he loads them into the back of his pickup and takes them to the woods to do the deed.
The next day he wakes up and the pigs are, unfortunately, not in the mud. Back into the pickup and out to the woods for a second day...
The next morning he wakes up and the pigs are still not rolling in the mud. The farmer loads them into the pickup again and takes them out to the woods.
The next morning the farmer is too tired and sore to get out of bed so he asks his wife if the pigs are rolling in the mud. She responds, "They aren't rolling in the mud, but they're piled into the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Lost in the Woods

A reporter is doing a story on the life of a farmer. The first man she meets seems friendly enough, so she decides to interview him.
"What would you say your best memory is as a farmer?" she asked.
"Well, I would have to say it was when John down the road lost his pig in the woods, so we found it, r**... it, and brought it back."
"Oh. Okay..." obviously the reporter could not use that, so she tries again. "What was your next best memory as a farmer?"
"Well, one day my cow, Bessie, got lost in the woods. We found her, r**... her and brought her back"
...that couldn't be used either of course, so the reporter thinks for a bit, and asks "What was your least favorite memory as a farmer?"
"Um. Well one night I got really drunk, and found myself lost in the woods..."

A yuppie is driving through the country and sees a pig on the side of the road...

...but there aren't any farms nearby. So, he picks it up and puts it in the passenger seat and drives off looking for the nearest person to whom it may have belonged. After a few miles he drives by a farm, stops, and asks the farmer if it's his pig.
"Nope, ain't mine, and no farmers around here own no pigs."
"Do you want him?"
"Nope." The farmer replies.
"Well, what should I do with him?" The yuppie asks.
"I guess you oughta just take him to the zoo."
So the yuppie leaves with the pig. The next day the farmer sees the same yuppie in the same car with the same pig. Only now the pig is wearing a baseball cap. Perplexed, the farmer waves his arm for the yuppie to stop. "What are you doing with that pig? I thought you were gonna take him to the zoo!"
"I did! We had so much fun now I'm taking him to the ballgame!"

Pig With a Wooden Leg

A journalist on vacation in Texas is driving on his way to do some sightseeing. Soon, he gets stuck in traffic. After slowly inching his way forward, he decides to take a back road. After getting hopelessly lost, he stops at the nearest ranch to ask for directions. Walking up to the ranch, he is met by a farmer, who is followed by a pig with a wooden leg. At first, the journalist is extremely confused, but then realizes that this could be an interesting new story, and asks the farmer about the pig.
"Oh, him? This here is Orville; he's one helluva pig. See those derricks yonder?" he asks as he points to the horizon, where indeed there are several derricks.
"One day, I was walking, and Orvill starts digging and a digging like crazy. Right after, he done struck oil, made me rich!"
The journalist, writing furiously, stops, with a stunned look.
"WOW! That's amazing! But...why does he have a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "Well, after we were rich, I built me a mansion. We lived really happily, until one day, a fire started! My wife and I got out, but the baby was still inside. Sho' nuff, Orville runs inside and rescues Junior!"
The journalist, amazed, continues scribbling furiously. "That's amazing, what a pig! But...why does he have a wooden leg?"
The farmer looks at him and says,
"Pig like that, ya can't eat in one piece, now, can ya?"

Little Johnny had a bad day.

He stomped home from school to the family farm. Being an annoying little kid, he saw the farm animals and decided to take out a little frustration on them, so he yelled at the pig, chased the chickens around, and kicked in a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. Finally, he made it to the house. His mom was waiting and furious.
"Johnny, I saw you just did and you're in big trouble! For abusing the poor pig and chickens, you don't get sausage or wings tonight. And no pumpkin pie, either!"
Just then, the two of them saw Johnny's dad came back from a day in the fields. He walked to the porch, where the cat is sleeping peacefully in the sun. He irritably kicked the cat out of the way to make it to the door. Johnny turns to his mom with a big grin and says,
"Shall you tell him, or shall I?"

The Glorious Leader visits a pig farm

Kim Jong-Un visits a pig farm and has the obligatory p**... photo taken.
Later, three editors for the Pyongyang Times are facing the task of finding an appropriate caption.
#1: "How about 'The Glorious Leader among pigs'?"
#2: "Are you mad? That could cost us our heads!"
#3: "How's 'Even the farm animals look up to our Dear Leader'?"
#2: "No, no, no. Could be misinterpreted. We need something neutral."
They debate the entire evening.
The caption on the following day's issue simply states, "Kim Jong-Un, third from left."

A short collection of jokes....

Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: homework!!!
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Why is there no mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder..
Q: Why do Jewish men get circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.
Boy:say me
Girl:me
Boy: you forgot the d
Girl: there's no d in me
Boy: not yet there isnt :)
One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over
Failed my biology test today:
They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasnt the correct answer
Enjoy and post some funny ones i can havea laugh at...

A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...

Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police one day. When suddenly, they happened upon a barn. They ran inside to escape the boys in blue and barred the door on their way in. All that was in the barn was a few cows, a couple of pigs, and a pile of potatoes. They could hear the sirens approaching so they had to act fast. The brunette hid behind the cows, the redhead hid behind the pigs, and the blond behind the potatoes. The police broke in and surveyed the area. The brunette, trying to be inconspicuous, decided to imitate the cows. She let out a great big "Moooooo!" The redhead did the same, letting out a pig squeal. The blond, in the spur of the moment, let out the loudest noise of them all. "POOOOTTTAATTTOOOOOO!"

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox...

After a long winter, a mountain lion, a wolf, and a fox get together and each tells how they spent the winter.
The mountain lion says, "I spent my winter in a pigpen, and each day I ate a pig. The owner counted the pigs, saw that some were missing, and set a trap from which I barely escaped."
The wolf says, "I spent my winter in a henhouse. Each day I ate two hens. The owner counted the hens, brought out his shotgun, and I almost got shot."
The fox says, "I spent my winter at a construction site where there were lots of Mexicans. Nobody counts those b**...."

A first grade teacher was giving a cookie to each student who spelt a word right

"Well little John" she said. "Can you spell Pig?"
"P-I-G" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then went to the next student.
"Hi little Susan" she said. "Can you spell Cow?"
"C-O-W" Susan said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the third student.
"Hello little Jim" she said. "How do you spell Crab?"
"C-R-A-B" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the next student.
"Good day Ahmed. Can you tell me how to spell Racial Discrimination?"

Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he's the rabbi, he can't risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. As he's waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they're saying hello, the Rabbi's pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it's mouth. As it's placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: My goodness...so this is how they serve apples here!

A drunk old Irish man told me this one...

A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig. But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him.
One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea. He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says
Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want .
With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says

Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk