pieces Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious pieces puns

A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

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A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

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So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"

*What?*

"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"

*I don't understand*

"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

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I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"

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A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."

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Marijuana-Filled Firewood

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yup sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'

'Yup!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


by mid_nite_poet

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A Golden Oldie Blonde joke...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asked, What is it supposed to be when it's finished?

The blonde said, According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, Second, I'd want you to relax… Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…

He sighed, let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

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I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

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I once swallowed two pieces of string and an hour later they came out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

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A piece of string walks into a bar...

And asks for a Beer.

The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string".

So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please".

The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave".

To which the piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".

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A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

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A blonde is working on a puzzle...

She calls her husband over and says, "This is the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever seen in my whole life!"

The husband responds, "What do you mean, honey?"

She says, "Well there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but looking at all these pieces, I don't see how in the world this is going to ever make picture of a tiger."

The husband says, "That's alright honey, let's just put all the cereal back in the box."

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A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle.....

...so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put it together. After a while she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend. He asks her what is wrong and she tells him about the trouble she is having with the puzzle. He tells her to look at the picture on the front and tell him what it looks like. The blonde says, Okay, well, the background is blue and there is a tiger on it. 
After a long pause her boyfriend sighs and says, Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box.

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A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

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Ceiling meat.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling . The guy asks "What's this about?" The bartender replies "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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My friend is panicking because he is missing a puzzle piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle

if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

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I just swallowed a whole box of scrabble pieces...

My next shit could spell disaster

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A piece of string walks into a bar...

and tries to order a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here"

The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair.

The string goes back into the bar and orders again.

The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string?"

"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot"

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There was an accident at the toll booth

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.

In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the truck driver to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"

"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

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The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces.

The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."

The old man says, "No. Further up the mountain is a swordsman greater than I."

So the young man climbs up the mountain to another ledge where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in three pieces.

The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."

The old man says, "No. At the top of this mountain is the greatest swordsman."

So the young man climbs up to the top of the mountain, where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly buzzes away.

"What's going on," the young man yells. "I thought you were supposed to be the greatest swordsman in the world. You couldn't even kill that fly."

"No," the old man says. "That fly is not dead. But that fly will never again father children."

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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh

............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

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The worst stash spot

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yup sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'

'Yup!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

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A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.

After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas."

The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."

The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.

"Relax," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' shitload of Californians. No big deal."

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I like my women like I like my marijuana...

Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.

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What do you call a bombed schoolyard?

Recess Pieces.

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A man orders a pizza

A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"

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A piece of string walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

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caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.

Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.

At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

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My blonde friend called me the other day...

Hey, can you come over real quick? I have a puzzle and I can't figure out how to put it together. I have all the pieces spread out on the table and I don't know where to start. All the pieces look the same to me!

What's the picture on the box? I asked

It's a tiger, I think.

So I went to her place, and she opens the door, tears in her eyes, and a look of frustration on her face.

I walk to her kitchen, look at the table, turn around and tell her: Hey, why don't we have some tea? Then I'll help you clean up the corn flakes.

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Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"

He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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Pack your Bags

A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage.
As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, "I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."
The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the women and says, "I'm sorry, we can't do that!"
The woman says, "Well why not? You guys did it last time without me even asking?"

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What do you get then you divide a poop in three pieces?

Turds


(Well shit - I do my best proof reading after I post - it should have been when not then - fuck me its a Tuesday)

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Losing game pieces sucks...

Especially when it's hide and seek...

I'll never forget you, Brian..

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Sometimes I ask my blind friend what something in braille says.

So I started handing him legos, and apparently all lego pieces mean "fuck you" in braille

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A man walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."

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A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

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The jigsaw puzzle

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then...", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

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A man walks into a bar

He notices some pieces of meat hanging down from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks "What's with the meat on the ceiling?"

Bartender:"It's a challenge. If you can jump up and touch one, you get free beer for a night."


Man:"Nah, pass".
Bartender: "What? Why not?"

Man:"The steaks are too high"

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What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

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A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

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Three men are confronted by the grim reaper [NSFW]

The grim reaper says to the three men, "I will spare your lives if you can each collect 12 pieces of fruit for me." All three men go their separate ways, and a few minutes later guy 1 comes back with 12 oranges.


The grim reaper says "before I can spare your life, you must complete one final task: you must shove all 12 pieces of fruit into your ass without displaying any emotion."


Guy 1 manages to get three oranges in before giving up. The reaper beheads him.


A few minutes later guy 2 comes back with 12 blueberries, and the reaper offers him the same deal. He manages to cram in 11 blueberries before bursting out laughing. The reaper beheads him.


In the afterlife, guy 1 asks guy 2 "what happened man? you were so close."


"I saw guy 3 coming back with pineapples."

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Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.

"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.

"Oh yeah I'm fine."

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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar Β£100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

The guys asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together

Totally nailed it

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Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals..

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

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A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

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I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier

So going to the bathroom could spell disaster

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If you watch Godzilla backwards

it's about a dinosaur that passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

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If I had a nickel for every racist joke I've heard

I'd have a giant pile of 3 cent pieces.

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I once swallowed two separate pieces of string...

An hour later they came out tied together, I shit you knot.

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I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

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My wife gets mad at me for peeing in the shower.

I keep explaining to her it's the best way to break the poop up into smaller pieces, so it goes down the drain. She just doesn't understand.

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A Cucumber, Banana and a Penis are having a conversation...

The Banana says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big and grown up my skin gets ripped off and I am shoved into a dark cave before being crushed to pieces."



The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? As soon as I get big and grown up, they slice me up and put me in a salad."



The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big and grown up they throw a plastic bag over my head, hit my head against a wall ina dark room - until I puke and pass out!"

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My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together.

I totally nailed it.

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Three pieces of string enter a bar...

The first string approaches the counter and says, "Beer, please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here, get out." The second string goes up to the bartender and says, "Bloody Mary, please." The bartender says, "Didn't you hear what I told your friend? We don't serve strings here. Get out." Seeing this, the third string goes into the bathroom, unravels his ends, and ties himself in a bow. Then he goes out to the bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a martini, please, straight up, with a twist." The bartender looks at him suspiciously. "Are you a string?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

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An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar...

An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says, "In London we have so many bloody South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one twice".

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I can swallow two pieces of string and make them come out an hour later tied together

I SHIT YOU KNOT

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I accidentally swallowed two pieces of string today and they came out tied together

I shit you knot

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An apple, a watermelon and a penis

An apple, a watermelon and a penis are debating whose life is worst.

"My life is terrible" says the apple. "When I get hard and juicy I'll be cut into 10 pieces and eaten."

"My life is worse than that" says the watermelon. "When I'm hard and juicy I'm gonna be cut into 50 pieces and eaten."

"Pfffff, that's nothing" says the penis. "When I get hard and juicy I get a bag put over my head, I'm shoved into this hot wet and dark room and I get banged around until I vomit and pass out".

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So three guys are walking through a forest...

So three guys are walking through a forest and they come across a cannibalistic tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the men that they will not eat them if they can complete two specific tasks. The men agree, and ask for their first task. The chief explains to them that it is simply to collect 10 pieces of any fruit and bring it back to the tribe (under close watch of course). So the men leave, and the first guy comes back with 10 apples. The chief approves of the fruit and then explains the second task; which is to put all of those 10 fruits up their butt without showing any sign of emotion. So the first guy begins, but gets the to 5th apple, winces in pain, and so is killed and eaten. Then the second guy comes back, and he has 10 grapes. After being told what the task is, he begins. He gets to the 9th grape and starts bursting out into laughter - and so is killed in eaten. Then the first guy meets the second guy in heaven, and asks him "Why did you laugh? You were so close!" And so the second guy replied "I saw the third guy come back with pineapples!"

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TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

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A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl......

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

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A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there.

Critic: "Would you like to know what I think of your art?"
Artist: "Oh, yes please"
Critic: "It's useless"
Artist: "I know, but I would still like to hear it. "

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Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once?

I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.

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A bowling ball jumped off the roof of a tall building.

Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."








I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before....

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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and smack the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar...

So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar. The first says "I'm I-10, baby! Atlantic to Pacific! Long and Strong. All day, traffic, truckers and they're flying along at ninty miles per hour. Cuz I'm the Best!" The other piece of highway snorts. "You got nothin! I'm I-95. Always busy! Always full and Always bringing the business! Semis! Tandems! All of it! Bartender! More whiskey!"
As the bartender is refilling their glasses, a small piece of gravel and dirt trail walks in and sits at the end of the bar. "Excuse me, Bartender? Could I get a cranberry juice?"
The first piece of interstate starts to pick on the little fellow. "Hah! Cranberry juice!?" But the other piece of highway stops him. "Hey, don't mess with that one man." "Why not?" Asks the other.
"Cuz he's a cyclepath."

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People say congress is in a stalemate, but that isn't true

In order for a stalemate you need black pieces

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The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood and with one swing cuts the walnut into two pieces. The man comes out amazed.

30 years later he sees a similiar poster:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a coconut in half with his penis!"

"Can it be the same viking?" the man thinks and buys a ticket to the show, where he sees the now much older viking slowly coming to the ring, placing a coconut on the table and after an aimed swing with his pecker two halves of coconut fall to the ground. After the show ended the man walks up to the viking and asks him, after this many years, why did he change from walnuts to coconuts? The viking answerd:

"You know, at this age, my vision is just not the same."

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Drink for free

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?"
The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?"
The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on yer toes, or jumpin', or nuthin the drinks are on the house."
The man quietly refuses. Shaking his head, he orders a beer and reaches for his wallet.
The bartender, stumped, asks the man why he won't even try.
The man curtly replies, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

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A man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling, about 12 feet high. He asks the bartender, Why are there these steaks hanging from the ceiling? . The bartender then replies, We have this challenge where of you can jump and hit one of the meats, you drink for free tonight, but if you miss, you have to buy drinks for everyone else in the bar. Wanna give it a try?

The man then replies, Nah, the steaks are too high

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A blonde joke (that i didn't make nor take credit for)

A blonde wakes up one morning and decides she wants to do a puzzle. So she reaches into the cabinet and grabs a box. After 4 hours of trying to match the pieces together she finally breaks down and calls her boyfriend for help.

Blonde: "I've been trying to get this puzzle together for over four hours and I can't even find one piece."

Boyfriend: "What's the picture on the box?"

Blonde: "A tiger with a bowl of cereal on a blue background."

Boyfriend: "Honey... Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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three men stranded on a desert island...

3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."
The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says "Now shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."
He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot.
The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same.
He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot.
He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, "Why did you do that, why did you laugh?" and the second guy replies,
"Well I nearly finished when I saw the next guy walking up with pineapples!"

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Not a string of puns but...

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "We don't serve pieces of string in here!"

The piece of string walks out the door upset, but a sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

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Swallowed two pieces of string

Swallowed two pieces of string this morning.

A little while ago they came out tied together...

I shit you knot!

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My car and I share two things in common...

We're both pieces of shit but still work alright

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Party Trick

I've come up with a new party trick. Basically I swallow two pieces of string and a few hours later they come out of my ass in one piece. I shit you knot!

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I swallowed two pieces of string

A few hours later they were tied together

I shit you knot

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A fascist, liberal, and communist start arguing who's got a better ideology

To settle their argument, they decide to see whose ideology can make a cat eat mustard.

Fascist takes a spoonful of mustard and forcefully shoves it down the cat's throat.

Liberal puts mustard between two pieces of tasty meat and thus tricks the cat into eating it.

Communist smears mustard below the cat's tail. Poor animal starts meowing and tries to lick it off. Communist says: Note, it's eating mustard voluntarily and with a cheerful song!

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Two pieces of string walk into a bar

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. One of them sits down while the other goes up to the bar and says, "two pints of Guinness, please." The barman looks the piece of string up and down and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here."

So the piece of string goes back to his friend and explains the situation, and the friend decides to tie himself into a knot and fray his ends. He walks up to the bar and orders two Guinness's. This time the barman starts to fill the order but halfway through he looks up and says, "Hold on a minute... You're not a piece of string are you?" To which the piece of string answers:

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

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I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

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prank for a guy with multiple girls in the house

Take a piss and toss in a couple pieces of toilet paper. Don't flush. Repeat. Watch with amusement as all the ladies of the house argue with each other over who isn't flushing the toilet.

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Last Supper

Jesus started off the dinner by announcing that he is trying some new natural recipes with some very organic ingredients. Peter approaches him and says, "This bread is fantastic! What's in it?"

"I made that from my flesh," Jesus replied.

A bit surprised and disgusted, Peter and all other apostles who were eating the bread regretfully put their pieces back down onto the table.

"This wine is the best I've ever tasted!" said James.

"That's actually just my blood."

James discretely spat the wine back into his cup.

Absolutely chowing down, Judas exclaimed, "I don't care what you tell me is in these, nothing can keep me from these desserts! The filling in these eclairs is absolutely orgasmic!"

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My cousin pranked me by putting some string in my spaghetti....

Later that night, while using the restroom, I noticed two pieces of string had somehow tied themselves together.

I shit you knot.

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A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.

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Three guys crash on an island with cannibals...

Three guys crash on an island with cannibals. The cannibals capture the three men and then tell them to go collect ten pieces of fruit and bring them back. So the three men each go out and collect ten pieces of fruit. The first guy comes back with ten apples. The cannibals say to him, "We lack entertainment here, so if you can stick all ten apples up your ass, without laughing, we will spare your life." So the man starts to stick the apples up his ass. He gets to three apples, and then laughs. So, the cannibals kill him and eat him. The second guy comes back with ten grapes. The cannibals offer him the same thing. So the man starts to stick the grapes up his ass. He gets all the way to eight and then laughs. So, the cannibals kill him and eat him as well. Up in heaven the first two guys meet up. The first guy says to the second one, "You were so close to finishing, what made you laugh?" The second guy replies, "I saw the other guy coming back. He was carrying pineapples."

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I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together...

Yep...I shit you knot!

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I ate 2 pieces of string...

When they came out they were tied together.

I shit you knot.

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A blonde's jigsaw puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?".
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then"....... he sighed and said, "Third... lets put all these Cornflakes back in the box"

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A Londoner is walking his dog...

...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.

"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"

"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.

"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.

"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"

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5 pieces of advice for men to live a happy life.

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

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A Thief Walks into Church...

A Thief walks into an empty church to steal the offerings left behind by the people. As he walks in he approaches the big statue of jesus in the center of the church. He notices a a few pieces of gold and and a few rings on the statue and begins to take them. Suddenly, he hears the doors of the church open and he runs behind the statue to hide.

Lo and behold, a beautiful young lady walks in. She approaches the statue and begins to pray: "Oh lord, you have blessed me with a good family that is rich, you have blessed me with knowledge, and you have blessed me with good looks. Lord, could you please send me a good man for me to marry as well?"

Immediately the thief jumps out clenching his butt "Calm down lord, there is no need to kick me, Im going myself."

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A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve no scrawny pieces of string in here."
The piece of string leaves, goes around back, ties himself up, ruffles his hair and re-enters the bar.
The bartender says, "Say aren't you that sorry piece of string that I told to beat it?"
The string replies, "frayed knot."

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I have a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle that's missing three pieces.

The pessimist said, "Three pieces are missing."

The optimist said, "Ninety-seven pieces are here."

EA said, "It's a full puzzle with three DLCs yet to be purchased."

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Holmes and Watson were investigating a murder at an archaeological dig-site

Holmes picks up several of the rocks and pebbles surrounding the murder victim. After a while, Holmes turns to his companion and says "I've cracked the case. The suspect was clearly murdered with a blow to the head by a rock, which then crumbled and scattered into pieces."

"How on Earth can you tell?" exclaims Watson.

"It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."

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Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals.

The cannibal king tells the three men that they must complete a test so that they may not be eaten.

He tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. The first man brings back apples and is told he must shove all 10 up his butt without making a noise to pass the test. He gets half of one up there before he screams and gets cooked.

The second man comes back with rasberries. As he is about to get the 10th and final rasberry in, he bursts out and laughter and gets cooked.

Up in heaven the first man asks why the second laughed when he was so close. "I couldnt help but laugh when i saw the other guy walk in with pinapples." said the second man.

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Three Strings Walk Into a Bar...

Three pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve strings here." So the pieces of string walk outside again.

They're sitting on the curb outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning until he finally ties himself into a knot as a disguise. One of the other strings sees this and decides he will fray his ends as a different disguise.

The two pieces of string walk back into the bar. The bartender looks at them a little suspiciously again and says in a stern voice "Sorry, we still don't serve strings here!"

So the strings go back outside and tell the third piece of how they had failed. The third string then decides he will tie himself in a knot, and also fray his ends.

The third string walks into the bar and the bartender looks at him and says "HEY, are you a bit of string?!"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"

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3 guys are stranded on an island of cannibals....

Three men are stranded on an island and caught by cannibals. The cannibals tell the three men to go into the jungle and bring back 5 pieces of fruit and they might let them live. All three men go into the forest to find fruit, and the first man comes back with 5 oranges. The cannibals say if he can shove all 5 oranges up his butt without screaming in pain them they will let him live. the man screams in pain on the second orange and the cannibals kill him. the second man come back with 5 cherries and the cannibals tell him if he can shove all 5 cherries up his butt without laughing they will let him live. the man gets to the fourth cherry and starts laughing uncontrollably. Therefore the cannibals kill him. In heaven the two men meet up and the first man goes up to the second and says "what the hell? why did you laugh?" and the second man replies with a smile on his face "i saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"

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What do you get if you blow up a monkey?

Rhesus Pieces.

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A man tells his shrink he's no longer attracted to his wife.

"For some reason I'm only aroused by small pieces of fruit."

"I've seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.," the doc replies.

"Twin Syndrome?"

"You only come in pears."

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What do you get when you slice a watermelon in four pieces?

A quartermelon!

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Four guys get captured by indians...

the indians say to them we will let you live if you do a few things for us. First you must go into the woods here and get ten pieces of any one fruit and return to us here. The men scurry off into the woods. The first man eventually returns with 10 apples. The indians then say " now you must shove them up your ass with out making a face laughing or smiling". The man stares blankly and starts shoving. He gets to four amd starts laughing uncontrollably. The indians take him into a line to be killed. The next guy comes back with oranges and the same thing happens. Now the third guy comes back with grapes and makes it to ten and just starts dying laughing. In the line to be killed the first two guys say to the third " why did you laugh you were so close you could have lived". The third man replies " I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples.

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One hundred year old man propositions a prostitute...

A 100 year old man propositions a prostitute on the street. She is doubtful he can even get it up but she takes him to a motel room, undresses and hops in bed.

The old man shuffles to the foot of the bed and pulls out a cotton ball and a condom. He tears the cotton ball into four equal pieces, methodically putting one piece in each nostril, and one piece in each ear.

Before he puts the last piece of cotton in his ear, the prostitute, asks him, Honey, why did you put that cotton in your nose and ears?

The old man put the last bit of cotton in his ear and started strapping on the condom and then replied to her question, There are few things I can't abide, one is the smell of burning rubber, and the other is the sound of a screaming woman!

comment: this may be a common joke. I don't tell them much or collect them. It's 20 years old at least. Heard it when I was 17.

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Cutting Pizza - A blonde Joke

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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Three men on an island get captured by cannibals...

And the cannibal leader tells the men that they need to explore the island to find some fruit. They then must collect ten pieces of that fruit and bring it back to the cannibals. So the men head out and after some time the first of the three returns. He has brought ten apples with him, and the cannibal leader explains to him that he must fit all of the fruit in his butt without making any noise or they will kill him. The man tries but on the 4th apple he squeals and they kill him. Then the second man returns with blueberries. The cannibals tell him the same thing and he starts to put the blueberries in his butt. He gets to the 9th berry and bursts out laughing so they kill him. In heaven the first man asks the second man why he died if he only had blueberries to fit into his butt and the man respondes "I was almost there but I cracked up when I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples."

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Three guys get stranded on an island...

When they are captured by the local villagers, a community of cannibals. They are tied and up and the chief speaks to them

"We will give you people a chance to leave us. Go to the forest and bring back 3 pieces of 1 kind of fruit. When you come back, I will tell you the test. To prevent any attempts to escape, you will each be escorted by a guard"

And so the 3 men went to gather fruit. The first one arrives back at the village with 3 apples in his hands,and upon his arrival, the chief tells him the test.

"What you will have to do for your freedom is, you will have to try and shove all 3 fruits into your bum, and if you make any facial expressions or whatsoever, we will put you in a pot, cook you then eat you."

The first man tries his best, but upon inserting the first apple, he cringes and is sent to the pot.

The second man arrives, and brings with him grapes. The chief tells him the same thing.

The first man saw the man with the grapes and thinks that he was going to be set free, but was surprised when the second man started walking towards the pot as well, giggling. Curious, the first man asks the second why he wasn't able to successfully finish the test. The second man replied,

"Well,when I was about to put the 3rd grape in, I saw the third guy walking back with watermelons"

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3 guys are driving in the desert and their car breaks down...

Their destination is 2 days away on foot, so the guys decide to take pieces of the car so they don't die.

First guy says "I'll take the radiator, we can drink the water from this"
Second guy says "I'll take the hood of the car, it will give us shade"
Third guy says "I'll take the door, I can roll the window down if it gets too hot"

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I was playing a board game with my friends when I noticed some important pieces of the game were missing.

I asked my friend, " Are you the game owner?"

He said, "I moan but I'm straight"

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A dad walks into a bakery...

...and he asks, "Hey do you have any big pieces of shortbread?"

The baker responds, "No, we don't make them any longer."

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A man walks into a bar. First thing he notices is two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

He sits down at the bar and says "what's with the meat?"

The bartender replies "Ah that's our game. The rules are simple, if you can jump in the air and touch both pieces of meat before your feet touch the floor, then everyone else in the bar will buy your drinks for the evening, but if you can't then you have to buy everyone else's drinks. Would you like to play?"

The man considers for a second and then says "Nah, steaks are too high".

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A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window.

The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks.

The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces.

The windows phone freezes mid decent.

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Chemistry Humor...

"What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.02214129Γ—10^23 pieces?"

Guacomole.

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How did the ISIS soldier cross the road?

In pieces.

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I swallowed two pieces of string yesterday

I shit you knot

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What do you get when you microwave a monkey?

Rhesus pieces.

I'll let myself out.

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I gave my blind friend a Lego piece so he could tell me what it says.

I kept giving him more and more pieces.

Apparently, from what I've seen, all Lego pieces read "Fuck you, asshole."

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Arguing with a social conservative is like trying to play chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to shit on the board, knock down the pieces and strut around like it's victorious.

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Three guys were kidnapped by cannibals....

The head cannibal says " in order to survive you must go collect ten pieces of the same fruit and bring them back here. You will then endure a final task"


So the three guys frantically run off.


The first guy returns with 10 apples.
head master says "now you must shove them up your ass without showing any type of emotion"


He gets one up there no problem after the second one he screams in pain. The cannibals kill him and eat him.


The second guy shows up with ten berries.


The head master tells him the same thing.


One...two... All the way to eight after the eight one he starts laughing uncontrollably...so they kill him.


Guy one and guy two meet in heaven.


Guy one " what the Fuck dude you were so close what the hell made you laugh"


Guy two "i saw the third guy coming with pineapples"

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Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently...

The steaks have never been higher.

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For my next party trick I'll swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they'll come out of my ass tied together....

I shit you knot

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A man walks into a bar, and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.....

K so a dude walks into a bar, and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's that?", Said Dude, looking up at the meat.

"It's a contest", replied the bartender. "Whoever can jump up and hit all three pieces, I will cook that beef for them and will serve them all free drinks for the rest of the night."

He continues, "If you fail to hit them, or even two, on the first three tries, you will have to pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night. Nobody can interfere. Wanna give it a try?"

"No," Said Dude, "I would, but the steaks are too high."

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A piece of string goes to a bar.

A piece of string goes to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here".

The string goes outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair and goes back in. The bartender asks, "are you that same piece of string?" "No", says the string, "I'm a frayed knot."



----

Credit to /u/ryan_taurant

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I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes.

I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.

.

.

.

.

I'll see myself out.

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What do you get when you cut a piece of poop into three pieces?

Turds

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A man walks into a bar and sits at a table.

He tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still serving breakfast?" She says yes. "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kind of stuff in here!" The man responds, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday."

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An elderly man shuffles into a chemist and asks for viagra

'No problem', says the pharmacist. 'How much do you want?' 'just four,' replies the old geezer. 'But could you cut them into smaller pieces? I'm not interested in sex. I just want to be able to piss without hitting my slippers.'

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What's the difference between jelly and jam?

Jelly is made by filtering out the fruit pulp after the initial heating, whereas jam contains the small pieces of chopped up fruit.

I'm tired of seeing "I can't jelly my dick up your butt", so I wanted to give the correct answer.

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Two pieces of rope are trying to get into a bar.

Two pieces of rope are trying to get into a bar. One rope turns to the other rope and says, "It's no use, the bartender hates ropes. He won't serve us."

The other rope decides to try to go into the bar anyways.

The piece of rope goes into the bar, orders a drink, and tries to look nonchalant. The bartender looks at him and says angrily, "You're a damn piece of rope, aren't you?! Get out of my bar right now!"

The rope runs out of the bar. The piece of rope tries it again but with the same results. Finally, the piece of rope has an idea. He shakes himself and then proceeds to tie himself. The piece of rope then enters the bar.

As the bartender is about to give a drink to the piece of rope, the bartender pauses for a second and asks, "Wait, are you a piece of rope?"

The piece of rope looks around and says, "Who me? I'm a frayed knot."

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A few years ago, I had a friend who was struggling with some mental health issues.

A few years ago, I had a friend who was struggling with some mental health issues. She once admitted to me that she was self harming, and even went so far as shoving pieces of sandpaper inside her vagina until she bled.

I told her it would be okay and things would get better, it was just a bit of a rough period for her.

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Justin Bieber is on a game show...

He is asked the question; "what is one of the most popular pieces of clothing in India?" Bieber's mind is racing, well as fast as his mind can race, but the timer buzzes. Time is up.
Put out, Bieber cries out, "Is it too late to say sari?"

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Three men get lost in a forest...

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.


The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten strawberries. The king then explained, Next, you have to shove all the fruits up your butt, or you'll be eaten. He managed 7 strawberries but could go no further and was killed.


The second one arrived, and showed the king ten apples. The king explained the challenge to him, but he only managed one apple and was killed.


When the second guy gets to heaven, the first guy is laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I saw the last guy coming and he had 10 watermelons!"

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My Boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together...

I nailed it! My friend Steve figured I would of screwed it up.

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Last night I ate 2 pieces of string cheese...

This morning they came out tied together. I shit you knot.

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Doctor walks into hospital room..

Old man is sitting on the bed.

Doctor: I've got two pieces of bad news for you.

Old man: what is it doc?

Doctor: Well you got cancer..

Old man: That's terrible.. what's the other news?

Doctor: .. you have Alzheimer's too..

Old man: Fuck.. well at least I don't have cancer!

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Three pieces of string walk into a bar.

First one goes up and asks the bartender for a drink. Bartender says 'sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of strings here'. The string sits down and his mate says 'I'll give it a try'. Again, the bartender explains that they don't serve pieces of string in the bar. The third piece of string says 'don't worry fellas, I'll get this'. He ties himself in a bow to neaten himself up, messes up his hair and walks up to the bar. He asks for three drinks. The barman looks at him and asks 'are you a piece of string?' 'No, I'm a frayed not.'

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What do you call an experimental monkey in a blender?

Rhesus pieces........

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Can anybody else here tie pieces of string with their mind?

Thought knot...

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My dog destroyed my chess set. I tried to replace the missing pieces...

but the pawn shop was closed.

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Broke and starving, Bill & Ted walks up to a bakery.

Bill: "Look..I stole 3 pieces of bread, placed them in my pocket and the baker didn't even notice. It's like magic!

Ted: "You want to see real magic? Watch this."

Ted approaches the baker: "Excuse me, sir. Would you like to see a magic trick? Let me eat 3 pieces of your bread then watch me bring them back." "Sure. Let's see it" replied the Baker.

So, Ted heartily eats 3 pieces of bread. Baker:"Ok..you said you were gonna bring my bread back. Where are they?"

Ted: "See my friend over here? Check his pocket. Your 3 pieces of bread are in there."

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I ate two pieces of string and they came out tyed together.

I shit you knot.

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What do you call a mini-golf club made of wasp testicles that's covered in Reese's Pieces?

A peanut butter bee-nut putter.

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Where did the chess player go when he lost one of his chess pieces?

The pawn shop.

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A piece of string wanted to get into a club

A piece of string wanted to get into a club that didn't let in pieces of string. So he twisted himself up, and frayed his top end.
The bouncer asked "Hey, aren't you a piece of string ?"
The piece of string said "No, I'm a frayed knot"

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Today I swallowed two pieces of string...

Later they came out tied together, I shit you knot.

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What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with pieces of cardboard?

A pillow fight

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Bonzo The Martial Arts Dog

I once had a dog named "Bonzo" and he was really talented. One day, Bonzo and I went to find him a job, so we went to a martial arts studio. The owner looked at us and told us to get out. Bonzo looked unhappy, so I convinced the owner to allow us to give a demonstration. So the owner points at a table and says to Bonzo "karate that table!" and Bonzo breaks the table into a million pieces. The owner thinks it's a fluke, so he says "karate that tree!" and Bonzo splits the tree in two. Proudly, I say to him "are you convinced yet? When can Bonzo start?"

Disgusted with the idea, the owner grumbles "karate, my ass."

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What are the best Pieces puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Pieces? Well, here are the best jokes about Pieces to have fun with.

Joko Jokes