piece Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious piece puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass.

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."

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"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

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Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

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I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues.

Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience.

Finally he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up.

"Miss, are you sick?"

"No, but the last guy was."

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Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

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I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

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I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

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A man arrived to a Duel with only a pen and a piece of paper

He proceeded to draw his weapon

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I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.

I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.

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A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

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I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?

Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit.

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

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What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

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Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece

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A woman picks up a guy at a bar... Nsfw

And takes him back to her place. They start to get busy and he goes down on her. After a couple minutes he feels a piece of rice in his mouth but in his horny state just decides to spit it out and continue. A few minutes later he feels a pea in his mouth but once again decides to spit it out and go back to work. Not two minutes later he feels a chunk of beef in his mouth and this time he gets up a little concerned and asks the lady what's the matter with you are you sick or something? The lady looks at him and says no, but the last guy was.

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Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

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A piece of shit walks into the bar

Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit

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husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop..

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

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Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

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A woman bent down

....to take a close look at a fine piece of jewelry in a jewelry store. In the process she vent out a fart. Embarrassed at that she looked around to see if anyone heard that.
A salesman was right behind her. She gathered her composure and in the hope he didn't notice her breaking the wind asked " What is the price for that necklace?"
The man smiled and said, "Just looking at it you let out a fart. If I tell you the price I am pretty sure you'll shit your pants".

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This piece of tarmac is arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!"
2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner.
A hush falls over the bar.
Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace.
"Hey guys, whose the hardest?"
"We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

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A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money.

It was a strobbery.

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Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial

The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand.

Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?"

Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy."

Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?"

The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."

The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket.

The judge says, "Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?"

The man responds, "It's personal, your honor."

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A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

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A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

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Is this the Rinehart method?

One billionaire was asked how he made his fortune, the fact being known that he was flat broke when he was young. He told this story: he was once wandering the streets hungry and with only 10 cents in his pockets. Saw someone selling some rather unattractive looking apples for 10 cents a piece. He bought one apple and as he was about to eat it, he got an idea. Polished the apple and as it was now much better presenting, he was able to sell it for 20 cents. Which he then used to buy two apples, which he polished and sold for 40 cents. Which he used to buy four apples, earning 80 cents, buying eight apples... and then his childless uncle died and left him a billion dollars.

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My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

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The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."

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A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small,

so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that.

One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a
pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."

So the man said, "Shut the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

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NSFW My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today...

My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "fucking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?"

I said, "The fucking fridge,you piece of shit"

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A piece of string walks into a bar...

And asks for a Beer.

The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string".

So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please".

The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave".

To which the piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".

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A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Sure," the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

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It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it

I saw it with my own eyes

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My therapist told me to I need to learn to love myselfโ€ฆ

That would be settling, though- I can do better than that piece of crap!

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The phone rings at the local police station. Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

Thank you very much for the call, sir. The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Craig, did the police come? Yep. Did they chop your firewood? Sure did, Eric. Thanks! Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed. ๏ปฟ

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A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,

"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"

"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.

As the boy begins to cry the mother says,

"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

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I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes!

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May I have a piece of gum?

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have sex. Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have sex right then and there.

The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."

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A piece of rope walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve rope here"

Rope walks outside, frizzes up his hair, and ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar.

Bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?"

Rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot"

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The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

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I once swallowed a piece of string and it came out tied.

I shit you knot.

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On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

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How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake!

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I have a vegan girlfriend...

and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot

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I accidentally sent my essay to the 3D printer...

it came out as a piece of shit

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".

To which the man responds, "Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

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My friend is panicking because he is missing a puzzle piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle

if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

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I like my coffee like my slaves

FREE, you racist piece of shit...

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A man goes to the doctor and says,

"Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my anus."

The doctor instructs him to drop his trousers, and then examines him.

The man asks, "Is it serious, doc?"

The doctor replies, "Sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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My therapist says I'm a delusional narcissist who uses dismissive indignation as a coping mechanism

That was really hard to hear from a stupid jealous piece of shit.

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I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage.

The sign said "Bread in captivity".

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A man sits down on a park bench...

and sitting next to him is a small boy eating chocolate bar after chocolate bar. The man turns to him and says, "It's probably not that healthy to eat so much chocolate." The boy stares at the man and eats another piece of chocolate. After swallowing, the boy says, "My grandfather lived to be 110 years old." The man asks, "How did he do that? Did he eat a lot of chocolate too?" The boy replies with, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace.

A piece of Ukraine.

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A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise...

"Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?" the lady asks.

Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.

"Oh does he now? Well, that's not enough, why else?" the lady asks.

"He also says I clean better than you ever did" the maid says.

"I shall give him a piece of my mind later then, but that's still not enough to get a rise from me," the lady replies.

"OK, I fuck better than you too."

"WHAT!" screamed the lady. "How dare you. And did my husband tell you that too?"

"No," says the maid, "It was the gardener, and now I think we can settle on double my rate."

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A piece of string walks into a bar...

and tries to order a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here"

The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair.

The string goes back into the bar and orders again.

The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string?"

"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot"

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An elderly couple see a doctor about how to deal with their short term memory loss.

The doctor says to help them remember certain things they should write it down on a piece of paper. One night the couple is watching TV, when the husband starts walking to the kitchen. His wife asks "Can you bring me some strawberries?"

"Sure."

"Aren't you going to write it down so you don't forget?"

"No no. It's fine."

"Well I also want some whip cream. You should write it down so you'll remember."

"Don't worry. I've got it."

"I also want some chocolate syrup on top. You *really* should write it down, dear."

"I got it. Strawberries, whip cream, and chocolate syrup."

The wife sighs as her husband disappears into the kitchen.


After 15 minutes the husband finally comes back carrying a plate of eggs, bacon, and sausage. The wife looks up at him and asks "Where's my toast?"

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It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.


At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

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A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help

Doctor: Can I take a look?

Man: Sure

Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt

Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg

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A cheeky sacrifice

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny, so the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. The doctor took a large piece from her buttocks.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, when he was alone with his wife, he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice and said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon...

Einstein is bored, so he suggests a game of hide and seek and pretends to be "It". The others agree, so Einstein begins counting, "One...Two...Three.."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not! Here I come!"

Einstein looks up immediately and spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you Newton."

Newton laughs and replies, " No! You found one Newton per square meter - you found Pascal."

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Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway?

Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...

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A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says sorry we don't serve you kind round here

The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,

The bartender says sorry aren't you the same guy from before

The string replies I'm a frayed knot

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Wartime meeting

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a good servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here."

Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in Stalin's office.

"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"

"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."

"And who were you talking about?

"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."

Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,

"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did *you* have in mind?

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The faithful Christian

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian, and now found himself in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.

He opened the note, and read, Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!

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A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.

"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my ass?"
She stares at him and says, "No, I'm your daughters teacher!"

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Vegan girls never moan during sex

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat gave them such pleasure.

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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Pascal!"

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A guy is feeling horrible so he goes to the doctor...

During the exam the doctor is shocked, "Oh my god! No wonder you feel bad, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of your butt!"
The man says, "Yeah, and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

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Making your day...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"

Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"

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A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...

After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.

Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".

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A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

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A man survives a plane crash over the ocean...

He is huddled on a piece of debris with nothing but a dog and a pig. After drifting for several days the three land on the shore of a completely uninhabited island. After several weeks, the man feels that he will completely lose his mind if he doesn't have sex soon. After thinking it over he decides to try and have sex with the pig. He catches it, and is about to have his way, when the dog comes out of nowhere and bites him on the ass. Several days later the same thing happens: when the man catches the pig the dog bites him on the ass.
After several more weeks of this the man is looking out to see and notices a piece of driftwood. Upon closer inspection he sees a woman on top of the floating debris. He swims out, drags the unconscious woman to shore, and gives her CPR. Miraculously the woman comes to, and thanks the man profusely. "You saved my life! I will do ANYTHING for you!"
The man is smiling from ear to ear, looks at the woman, and says, "Hold that dog back while I fuck this pig."

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What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most times you get an onion with a tail. But every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

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Never assume that your boss knows what he is doing.

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. Listen, said the CEO, This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?

Certainly, said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper and pushed the start button.
Excellent,excellent! said the CEO as the paper disappeared inside the machine. I just need one copy; can you do that for me?

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Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

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I just saw an Indian guy shaking a piece of carpet outside his door.

I said, "Whats up, Won't it start?"

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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.....

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

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Little Johnny is walking through a park...

When a man in a van pulls up to him and says "Hey kid, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van"

Little Johnny looks at him and says "Shit man, give me the whole bag of candy, and I'll come in your mouth"

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Marylou

One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" cried the husband.

"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"

"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.

Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.

"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.

"Your horse called."

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After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside!

It was unfortunate.

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I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass

I told him it's just the tip of the iceberg

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My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate

Everyone got a piece

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My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

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A piece of string walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

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Frying pan..

A man was sitting reading a newspaper when suddenly his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? "
The man asked.
The wife replied:
"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man said:
"Ooh..When I was at the races last week, the name of the horse I bet on was Jenny. "
The wife apologized & went on with the housework.
3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head again with a bigger frying pan.
The man shouted in pain. .
"What was that for? "
Wife replied:
"Your horse phoned. "

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String

A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.

The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.

The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"

The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."๏ปฟ

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The man who invented AutoCorrect has died.

Restaurant in piece.

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If you struggle cutting cake....

Is it still a piece of cake?

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My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit".

I don't know how I feel about this.

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A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

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Have you heard about the guy who wants to repeal net neutrality?

What a piece Ajit.

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What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria?

A map.

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A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.

The bartender asks, What can I get for ya?

The man says, A beer for me, and another for the road.

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Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"

He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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Wealthy woman wants a divorce. NSFW

A wealthy woman tells her mother, I'm divorcing David! I can't take it anymore. All he wants is anal sex, and now my asshole is the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel!

The mother says, You're married to a multimillionaire, you have an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, have a $2,000 a week allowance, take six vacations a year, and you want to throw that away over 45 cents?!

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A man goes to the doctor with a huge problem.

A man walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've got a huge problem..."

"Okay, come in and show me what the issue is," says the doctor.

The man enters the room, reluctantly drops his pants and bends over the doctor's table. He then pulls his cheeks apart, and shows the doctor the piece of lettuce that's hanging out of his rear.

"That is a huge problem!" exclaims the doctor.

The patient then replies, "Doc, that's the just tip of the iceberg."

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A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

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Why did Darth Maul jack off into a piece of fruit?

Because the sith always comes in pears

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Just a compilation of 10 corny jokes that still make me chuckle.

1. What was wrong with the wooden car with wooden wheels?
It "wooden" go!

2. Why can't a dick be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot

3. A guy walks into the doctors office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass. The doc takes one look and he says, "It looks like we have one hell of a problem here!" The guy responds "yea, and this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

4. I went to the zoo the other day. This zoo only had one dog.
It was a shitzu.

5.How did Hitler tie his shoesies?
In little Nazi's

6.If Al gore was a musician his album would be titled "Algorithms"

7.Sex while camping- It's intense!

8.How do Native Americans store their energy?
In ATP!

9.What's 10 inches long, pink and slippery?
A slipper.

10.What's blue and shaped like a square?
An undercover orange.

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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon...

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!" The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..." Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide, but Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square on the ground. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!" Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!"

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From my nine year old...

He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

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This is not a dirty joke.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

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A piece of rope walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here." The rope walks out back, ties himself up, and unravels his ends. The rope walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you that rope that was just in here a minute ago?" The rope says, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

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FBI Investigation.

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."

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A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

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Astute Diagnosis

A guy goes to the doctor, with a carrot up his nose. He's got a piece of celery in his other nostril, and a banana in his ear. He says,"Doc, I don't feel so good."
The doctor says,"You're not eating right."

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How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake.

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A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

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A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...

The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"

To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."

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Islam is a peaceful religion

A piece over there, a piece over there, a piece over here

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A tough piece of back tarmac is having a pint at the bar.

The bartender notices a muscled red piece of tarmac enter the bar, and asks the black piece if he could take him in a fight.

'Of course mate, he's a fucking bus lane.'

A little while later, a blue piece of tarmac enters the bar. The bartender again asks if the black piece could beat him up.

'Listen, he's a fucking disabled parking space. No problem.'

Shortly after, a green piece of tarmac enters the bar, and once again the bartender asks if the black piece is tougher.

'Oi, keep your bloody voice down! I'm not messing with that guy, he's a fucking cycle path!'

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Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the funeral."

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I accidentally ate a piece of rope...

I shit you knot

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A man walks into a steakhouse

A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.

She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."

"And what if I miss?"

"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"

He looks up again.

"No, the steaks are too high."

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A friend once asked me how to get a fat girl to fall in love with me.

I replied, "piece of cake."

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A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

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I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...

When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...

I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.

He replied with 'Fuck off you piece of shit!'

I work in a prison.

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This one time I swallowed a piece of string. When it came out it was all tied up.

I shit you knot.

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While a blonde was driving her car....

One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck and cut him off couple of times. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.


He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.


Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.


This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.


The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so fucking funny.


The blonde giggled and replied, When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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Why you shouldn't be unfaithful.

A guy notices a hot chick giving him the eye in the supermarket.

'Do i know you?' he asks.

She says 'Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?'

He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says

'Were you the hooker I banged over the pool table at my buddy's party while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery and shoved that massive cucumber up my arse?'

She stares at him & says:

'No. I'm your daughter's teacher'.

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Street smart kid. (NSFW)

So a kid is playing outside in the yard when a car pulls up. The guy in the car says to the kid "hey kid, get in my car and i'll give you a piece of candy"

Kid says " Give me the whole bag and i'll let you cum on my face"

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So this piece of rope walks into a bar...

...and he tries to order a drink, the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind roun' here!" The piece of rope walks outside, ties himself in half a couple times, rubs himself in the dirt and drags his edges. He walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey! Ain't you that same piece of rope?!" The piece of rope says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

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A boy and a girl are sitting next to each other

Boy: If you let me kiss you, I'll give you a piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay.

Boy: If you let me touch your boobs, you'll get another piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay!

Boy: If you let me touch your pussy, you'll get another one.

Girl: You know what? At this rate, I'll have diabetes by the time we finally fuck!

(translated from German)

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Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk.

Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of paper, writes "WHERE ARE WE?" in huge letters on it, and holds it up for the officeworker to read. The officeworker grabs a sheet of paper off his desk, scribbles quickly, and holds up his response: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

"Okay, no problem," says the pilot. "I know where we are. We're over the local college and that's the engineering school."

"How do you know that?" asks the copilot.

"Because," says the pilot, "the answer he gave us was technically correct but completely useless."

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How do you starve a black person?

The same way you starve a white person you racist piece of shit

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How do you get a fat girl into bed?

It's a piece of cake

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45 Cents

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."
Her mother says โ€ฆ..
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
You get $2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away
over 45 cents?"

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Men are better cooks

With just a piece of sausage and an egg, they can fill a woman's tummy for 9 months.

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A guy gets pulled over for speeding...

...and when the officer asks him if he knew why he was pulled over, the guy replies "No, sir."

"Well, for starters," says the officer, "You were going 50mph over the speed limit, and on top of that you were driving right down the center of the road!"

"Oh, you've misunderstood, officer," says the guy, "My license says I can do that."

The officer doesn't believe this, of course, and asks for proof, so the guy pulls out his license, which is little more than a temporary learner's permit printed on a piece of paper from the DMV.

"Right there at the bottom," says the driver, "It clearly reads 'tear down the dotted line.'"

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Welcome to the neighborhood

A fella working on Wall St. decides he has had enough of the rat race. He's made a lot of money, so he buys himself a piece of land way out in the boonies where his nearest neighbors will be miles away.

He's been living out there for a couple weeks, fixing up the old house and generally enjoying his solitude, when a pickup truck comes driving down the dirt road to his place. A grizzled old mountain man gets out of the truck, and says "Howdy neighbor."

"Please to meet you." says the fella, "Do you live nearby?"

"Yonder over that ridge, bout 10 miles." says the mountain man "I'm a invitin' you to a hootenanny, seeing as how you're new to these here parts."

"That's very kind of you, but, ah, what's a hootenany?" says the fella.

"Its a good ole time. There'll be drinkin' an a dancin', fightin' and a fuckin".

"Sure does sound like a good time, count me in!" says the fella. "How many people will be there?"

"I reckon it'll just be you an' me."

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I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true...

I saw it with my own eyes.

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How about some Little Johnny...

Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."


Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."

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A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."



Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."



Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

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Why are the vegetarians silent during sex?

Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.

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How do you start an Ethiopian rave?

Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

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What do you call a piece of paper with nudes on it?

A flashcard

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Rednecks git-n-er done!

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do you for?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, be he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day the Sheriff and his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, after the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil, this here is Flloyd... Did the Sheriff come?

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood for the winter?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

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Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

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Didja hear the joke about the piece of paper ripped in half?

It's tearable.

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A Police Officer Pulls Over An Eldery Couple

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple and says, "You were doing 120 in a 90 zone. The lady asks, "What; what did he say!?", to which her husband replies, "You were doing 120 in a 90 zone."
The officer then asks for the lady's licence and registration. The old lady asks, "What; what did he say!?", to which her husband replies, "He wants to see your licence and registration."
The officer asks where they're from; again, the old lady asks, "What; what did he say!?", and her husband replies, "He wants to know where we're from." The old lady tells the officer they're from Fernie, British Columbia.
The officer tells the elderly couple that the worst piece of ass he ever had was in Fernie. The old lady asks yet again, "What; what did he say!?". Her husband replies, "He thinks he knows ya."

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What are the best Piece puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Piece? Well, here are the best jokes about Piece to have fun with.

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