piece Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious piece puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

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Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

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I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

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I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

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I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

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A man arrived to a Duel with only a pen and a piece of paper

He proceeded to draw his weapon

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I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.

I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.

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A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

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I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

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What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece

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Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

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A piece of shit walks into the bar

Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit

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Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

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A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money.

It was a strobbery.

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A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

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A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

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My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

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NSFW My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today...

My 4-year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "fucking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?"

I said, "The fucking fridge,you piece of shit"

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A piece of string walks into a bar...

And asks for a Beer.

The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string".

So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please".

The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave".

To which the piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".

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It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it

I saw it with my own eyes

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My therapist told me to I need to learn to love myselfโ€ฆ

That would be settling, though- I can do better than that piece of crap!

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A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,

"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"

"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.

As the boy begins to cry the mother says,

"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

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A piece of rope walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve rope here"

Rope walks outside, frizzes up his hair, and ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar.

Bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?"

Rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot"

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The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

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On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

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How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake!

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I have a vegan girlfriend...

and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot

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I accidentally sent my essay to the 3D printer...

it came out as a piece of shit

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".

To which the man responds, "Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg".

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What are the most funny Piece jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Piece? Well, here are the best Piece dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Piece pick up lines to share with friends.

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