picnic Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious picnic puns

Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?

because nobody made sandwiches

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What's the difference between a philosophy major and a picnic table?

A picnic table can support a family.

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A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...

"My wife missed the bus!!"

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Pierre the brave French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

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The old Man's Pond

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

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Re-post but one of my all time favorites (somewhat altered)

One day a father and his two daughters, Petal and Fridge, were having a picnic. Petal curiously asks her father; "Daddy, why is my name Petal?" to which he replies; "Well honey on the day you were born a petal from a beautiful flower slowly fell through the air and landed right on your forehead. Your mother and I thought the name fit you perfectly." Then Fridge asks; "BRAW WAW AAWWW OOWWW AHH AAWA?"

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An elderly man in Saskatchewan.

An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

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My dad and I were never that close.

The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father

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A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.

The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.

The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."

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Why did the feminists starve at the picnic?

Because no one wanted to make the sandwiches.

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Did you hear about the feminist picnic?

Yeah, apparently it got cancelled, no one wanted to make the sandwiches.

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A Brilliant Old Man and Skinny Dipping Ladies

Ron an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond in the back. It was suitable to swimming so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the Bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

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Teacher makes a call to her student

to inform him:"I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off". The student makes a phone call to his dad:"I'm off tomorrow, let's go picnic". Dad makes a phone call to his secretary immediately:"Hey, I'm busy tomorrow, let's date someday else". The secretary makes a phone call to her husband:"Hey honey, I won't be going to the business trip tomorrow, let's hang out". The husband makes a phone call to the teacher:"Hey, Sorry, my wife won't be leaving tomorrow, we can't meet". The teacher calls the student:"Forget what I said. Tomorrow we go to school"

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The Watering Hole

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

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A bus full of housewives

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.
People cried for a week. But there was a man who was still crying after 2 weeks. When asked why he is still crying, he replied miserably: "My wife missed the bus."

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A man walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says "Jim! You have two black eyes!"

"Yup," says Jim.

"What happened?" asked the bartender.

"Well, you see I was at the church picnic. I was in line behind Mrs. Dunmore, and I happened to see that her skirt was wedged up into her buttcrack. Being a gentleman I pulled it out for her. She turned and punched me in the face!" says Jim.

"Ah, unfortunate," says the bartender. "But how'd the other one get blackened?"

"Well," said Jim. "I figured she liked her dress up in her buttcrack, so I tucked it back for her."

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Once there were three turtles decided to go on a picnic.

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

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I am Pierre, French fighter pilot!!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ' Pierre ! Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude.

Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me, kiss me much lower!'

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her pubes...

He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our 'hero' stands and shouts defiantly, 'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'

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Ron, an elderly man in Florida...

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked."


Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

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I went to a feminist picnic the other day...

It was great, apart from the fact that no one made any sandwiches.

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After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup

No way! You'll start without me

Don't worry, we'll wait for you

I don't believe you

We promise not to start without you

Reluctantly, Junior leaves.

They way for a day... two... five... ten... twenty...

After 30 days, grampa turtle bursts:
I can't take it any longer!!! - and bites the sandwich

At this point Junior suddenly jumps from behind a rock and yells:

AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!

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The Farmer and The Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator…"

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Why didn't the feminist picnic work out?

because they all refused to make sandwiches.

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Feminist picnic

Why did the feminist picnic get cancelled?

Because nobody would make any goddamn sandwiches

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A genetic botanist doesn't show up to the church picnic.

Her concerned husband finds her in her lab working feverishly on a new pesticide resistant strain of maize.

"Aren't you coming to the congregation picnic?". He asks.

"Screw them and their impossible deadlines! They told me I have until today to get the corn bred!"

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An elderly man in Florida . . .

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

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Three trolls go out for a picnic one day.

Upon getting there, they realise that they forgot all the beer back home. So the youngest of the three agrees to go back for it on one condition; that the others wouldn't start eating without him. All three agree that this is fair and he leaves.

An hour passes, then seven hours, a day and finally three days pass and the youngest troll isn't back yet. Hungry and frustrated, the other two decide to eat some sandwiches.

As soon as they begin unpacking the sandwiches, they youngest troll jumps down from a tree above and shouts:

"Guys, if this is how it's going to be. I'm not leaving to get the fucking beer!"

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Skinny Dipping . . .

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to check it out.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked so that I could get a good look at you," holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

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The Picnic

Three turtles, Mick, Alan, and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Okay, Les, give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Turns out Alan didn't bring it either. So they're stuck ten miles from home, on a picnic, without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches while he's gone.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their turtle lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise so they decide to wait more.

Finally, ten days later, they can't take it any longer and think that Les will understand if they just have a bit to hold them over. So they take out a quarter of a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"

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What's the difference between a chicken drumstick and a penis?

If you answered I don't know ? Then would you like to go for a picnic?

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[OFFENSIVE] Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?

Nobody would make the sandwiches

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What did the llama say when he was planning a picnic?

Alpaca lunch.

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are on a fishing trip. They get out on the water and the Priest goes, "Oh darn, I forgot the picnic basket!" so he proceeds to step out of the boat and walk to shore, grabs the picnic basket and comes back out to the boat. The rabbi looks on in bewilderment.

The minister looks around as he's about to cast and realizes, "I forgot the tackle box!" He also proceeds to get out of the boat and walk to shore, grabs the tackle box and heads back to the boat. The rabbi is absolutely shocked at this point.

Finally, the rabbi turns to the priest and minister and says, "I forgot the bait." He steps out of the boat and splashes around in the water.

The priest turns to the minister and says, "You forgot to show him where the rocks are didn't you?"

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Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business trip tomorrow, lets hangout!"

The husband makes a call to the teacher: "Honey, my wife is off tomorrow, you don't come.

The teacher makes another call to the student: "Tomorrow we go to school as usual."

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Old men think fast

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.

Holding the bucket up he said, I'm here to feed the alligator…

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What are the most funny Picnic jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Picnic? Well, here are the best Picnic dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Picnic pick up lines to share with friends.

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