picks Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious picks puns

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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I'm sorry for this

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

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my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "Hey asshole! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"

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Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"

The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

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A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"

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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: Thanks. How much?

Bartender: T... ten... d... dollars

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Bartender: Sorry but... it's the very first time a talking horse comes into my bar

Horse: First and last. TEN DOLLARS A FUCKING COKE?

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A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

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Talking Clock

After a night at the bar, a guy invites his friend over to see his new apartment. During the tour, his friend sees a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" "It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," says the guy. He picks up the mallet, and hits the gong. His neighbor screams from the other side of the wall, "Shut the fuck up, Its 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"

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My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay

He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.

I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.

3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though.

Maybe this strategy isn't for me...

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A man take his dog to the vet, and then...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks, "my dog's cross-eyed... is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

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Jesus is at the last supper with his disciples,

And at the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can fuck right off."

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A guy picks up a beautiful blonde girl and takes her back to his place...

They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it's all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.

"Wait! We should have used a condom! You don't have AIDS, do you!?"

The guy says, "No. I'm clean."

"Whew," the blonde girl says. "Good thing. I sure wouldn't want to catch that shit twice!"

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An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Each one orders a pint. Three flies land, one on each glass.

The American gags and pushes his drink away. The Englishman shrugs, flicks the fly away, and drinks the beer. The Irishman picks up the fly, shakes it up and down, and shouts, "Spit it out, fucker!"

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A man takes his dog to the vet...

He says to the vet
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, 'let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

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A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his friend asks

" hey, so what did you do last night?"

the particle, bruised and beaten shouts "DAMN IT MAN did you have to ask!!"

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A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

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A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why?" the man demanded.

The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

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A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant...

He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."

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A Dad picks his son up from school

Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?

Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

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A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods

After the bear is done he turns to the rabbit and says "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit looks confused and says "no, I've never had a problem with that"

The bear smiles and says "good" and picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with him.

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Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.

* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*

Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

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No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

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A knock at the door

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

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So there's a guy sitting on his couch watching T.V.

He hears a knock at the door and gets up to answer. Opens it and there's a snail sitting there. He picks up the snail and throws it. About a year later he gets another knock and it's that same snail. The snail looks up at him and says "What the fuck was that about?!"

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A man is driving down the freeway

when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them

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A mean English teacher asks his students to write a composition.

The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy, and mystery. You have 30 minutes.

After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads:

"My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"

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Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is counting down while Newton and Pascal are trying to hide. Pascal jumps into the bushes and Newton walks a few steps, picks up a stick, draws a square on the ground and just stands there. Einstein turns around and instantly spots Newton.

- Found you Newton, you lose!
- Now wait a minute good sir, can't you see what I drew below me? I am a Newton on a square meter so technically you found Pascal.

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A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?

He says, Put it between your legs.

She says, What about the smell?

He says, Hold its nose.

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A young, single woman is feeling lonely

and decides to take matters into her own hands. To shy to buy a sex toy, she heads to the grocery store and picks out some scented candles, a bottle of wine, some personal lubricant and a large cucumber. She takes her items up to the till and the cashier says:

"You're single, hey?"

She blushes and looks at her purchases. "How did you know?"

"Because you're fucking hideous".

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An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

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Guy takes his dog to the vet because it's become cross-eyed.

The vet picks the dog up and stares it straight in the eyes for a minute.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down," he says.

"What, just because he's cross-eyed??" says the man.

"No," says the vet, "because he's fucking heavy."

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What are the most funny Picks jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Picks? Well, here are the best Picks dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Picks pick up lines to share with friends.

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