Picks Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Picks puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Picks

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

I'm sorry for this

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"

The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why?" the man demanded.

The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant...

He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."

A Dad picks his son up from school

Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?

Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.

* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*

Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

A man is driving down the freeway

when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is counting down while Newton and Pascal are trying to hide. Pascal jumps into the bushes and Newton walks a few steps, picks up a stick, draws a square on the ground and just stands there. Einstein turns around and instantly spots Newton.

- Found you Newton, you lose!
- Now wait a minute good sir, can't you see what I drew below me? I am a Newton on a square meter so technically you found Pascal.

A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?

He says, Put it between your legs.

She says, What about the smell?

He says, Hold its nose.

An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Two electricians are up on a pole

A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:

β€” Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?

The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:

β€” Told you it was the ground.

I went shopping with my wife.

Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn't afford it.

A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.

I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.

She said this makes my face pretty.

I said so will a case of beer for half the price.

Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?

It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.

Obligatory

A guy picks up a hooker

She says, This is your lucky night. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.

The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.

Paint…my….house.

A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined...

The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

The man asks why.

"He's heavy."

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "Vodka Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Okay,' says the vet. 'Let's have a look at him.' So he picks up the dog examines his eyes and checks his teeth. Finally he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' asks the man. 'No,' replies the vet. 'Because he's really, really heavy.'

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts

down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.

Two Electricians Are Working On A Telephone Pole

As they're working, an old woman walks by them. The first electrician calls out "Ma'am! Can you move that wire aside for us?"

She replies "Oh yes, deary", as she picks up the wire and moves it out of the sidewalk and strolls off.

The second electrician says to the first "I told you it wasn't live, moron."

A midget and a man are on a bus

The two of them sit next to each other.

When the next stop comes, the midget falls off of the chair, so the man picks him back up.

Another stop comes, and the midget falls again, and again the man picks him up.

On the third stop he of course falls again and this time, the man says:

"Hold on when we get to a stop, you freaking midget!"

The midget replies:

"Can I please leave the bus? I was supposed to get off two stops ago."

An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are getting drinks, and they each get a fly in their beer.

The Englishman pushes his drink away, disgusted. The Scotsman takes out the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks up the fly and yells to it, "Alright, spit it out!"

A blind man walks into a shop...

...he picks his guide dog up by the tail and starts to swing it around his head. "Can I help you!?" Asks the shop assistant. "No thanks" said the man, "I'm just looking around."

You heard about the new Jewish designed car?

It stops on a dime... & picks it up.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Indian man were all in the maternity ward of a hospital ready to collect their babies.

When a midwife comes over to them and explains, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but there's been a mix-up with the babies and we no longer know whose is whose."

The Englishman immediately goes over to the brown baby and picks it up.

The midwife asks, "are you sure that's your baby, sir?"

"No" says the Englishman, "but there's no way I'm going home with a french one!"

A blind man was walking downtown and he stumbled upon the fish market.....

As he enters the market with his seeing eye dog all of a sudden he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are
you doing?!!"


The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Koala bear and prostitute

This is the first dirty joke I ever learned.

A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.

While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.

After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.

The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary, a person who trades sex for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.

Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.

Blonde genies

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart...

...'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

The husband says, 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

A blonde woman dyes her hair red....

A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...

Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.

Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.

Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...

After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.

A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"

"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.

The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"

The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.

"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.

"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?

The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."

The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"

"Alright. easy enough."

The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"

The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"

Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.


A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...

"Doc, I got a big problem."

"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"

"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."

"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"

"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"My point exactly."

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner.

Next the pot is placed on the floor with the same instructions. The physicist once again picks it up, places it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematician picks it up and puts it on the table, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

A husband calls his wife from his office, and the maid picks up...

The husband ask, "Hello, is my wife around?"

The maid responds with, "No, sir, she's upstairs with her boyfriend."

The husband, completely enraged, orders the maid to kill both his wife and her boyfriend.

Wen the maid returns, she asks what she should do with the bodies. The husband instructs her to simply toss the bodies in the pool.

Silence comes from the other end, and after a few seconds, the maid says, "Pool, sir?"

The husband looks down at his phone and says, "This isn't 229-6342, is it?"

Father Knows Best!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table...

A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If my son takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.


The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.


"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket

The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Fosters, and it's half the price.'

A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese spend the evening drinking in a bar. Who picks up the tab?

The German.

A man is walking on a beach...

And he trips over something. He looks down, and it is an old bottle. He picks it up, and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish, and only one. What will it be?"

The man thinks, and thinks. He lives in California, but really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying. So he asks the genie, "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."

The genie looks at him for a bit. He says "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too much! Please think of something else". The man is pretty angry. He really wanted that bridge, and that was really the only thing on his mind. So he thinks, and thinks, and thinks for days. He had to get the right thing. He sleeps on it, and the next day comes returns to the beach.

The genie is still there, so the man asks him, "I want to understand women."
The genie's eyes widen, and he asks him "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

Golfers wife has a heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

A farmgirl returns home after her first year away at college...

Her father picks her up at the train station and starts driving back to the farm.

After a while the young lady turns to her father and says, "Daddy, I`ve got to tell you something - I ain`t a virgin no more."

Without taking his eyes off the road, the farmer replies,"Sugar-pie, to hear you say that it just breaks my heart. We saved all that money to send you away to get you educated proper, and you`re still using the word "ain`t" ".

Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...

Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"

An eagle goes looking for a mate...

He swoops down and picks up a loon. "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, I love to spoon."

The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon out and finds a hawk. "I'm a hawk, I'm a hawk, I just want to talk."

Realizing that that will not work, he kicks out the hawk and finds a dove. "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, I don't make love."

Frustrated now at three failed attempts, the eagle kicks out the dove and picks up a duck. "I'm a drake, I'm a drake, you made a mistake!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes