picking Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious picking puns

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.


My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.


"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."


LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."


A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says "where were you?
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're fucking donuts."


A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."


I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".


a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."


Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows you it works then.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.


I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...


Dad: Son, you were adopted.

Son: "I knew it! I demand to meet my biological parents!"

Dad: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up your shit, the new ones are picking you up in an hour!"


A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says "where were you? " "I was with Jessica." He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were revising." After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely." Dad replies "Wash your hands Martin, they're fucking donuts."


I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite…

I ended up picking 7 Up…


Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade


I found a new way to stop my girlfriend from picking up bad habits or doing anything that annoys me, I just have to say..

..."this is turning me on"


Everyone should stop picking on fat people..

They have enough on their plate already


What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose


My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.

But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.


Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?

Because his number couldn't fit in their phones


An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"


An elephant escaped from the circus...

...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.

"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."

"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.

"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"


A billionaire goes for a drive

... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."


A blond is tired

A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"


Word of the day. Urinate.

A teacher announces to the class at the start of a lesson, "The word of the day is urinate. Can anybody use it in a sentence?"

After none of the students in class attempts an answer, eager Little Johnny with his hand raised and waving, is reluctantly called on by the teacher for an answer.

As she sighs upon picking the only student willing to answer, Little Johnny announces to the class, "You're an eight, ma'am, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"


Little mushrooms

A horny young man is walking down by a mushroom patch behind a nunnery, when he gets an idea. He strips, lies on his back, and buries himself with just his erection sticking out, disguised among the other mushrooms. Before long, a pretty, dainty young nun comes out with a basket and begins picking mushrooms. As she does this she sings sweetly: 'One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket', (she get's to the man) 'Three little... three little... three little...' You get the picture.

Later that day the young man was regaling this tale to his equally horny friend, who decided he must try this for himself. So the next day the other guy goes to the mushroom patch, strips off and buries himself with just his mushroomoid member on display. Soon enough a nun with a basket appears. This nun however is one of the largest, most butch women he'd ever spied. Could have been an Olympic shot-putter. In a gruff voice, she begins to sing... ' One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little... three little... THREE little mushrooms for my basket...'


A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."


Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."


A husband and wife are winding down in the bedroom getting ready to go to sleep

Husband "You want me to put some on TV"

Wife "Sure honey, you can pick"

Husband "Okay, I am picking either golf or porn, what do you think?"

Wife "Porn, definitely porn. You're already good at golf"


A young man was walking along the roadside one day...

A young man was walking along the roadside one day trying to think of a birthday present for his girlfriend. He knew she liked flowers and just then he noticed a field of buttercups, which happened to be her favorite. So he started picking the buttercups, got a little carried away and picked the whole field clean.

That upset Mother Nature so she arrived at the scene and said, "Young man, you shouldn't have picked that whole field of buttercups, I'm going to have to punish you! You're going to have to go a whole year without eating butter, what do you have to say for yourself?"

The young man thought a moment and replied, "Thank God I wasn't picking pussy willows!"


A cowboy rode into a dusty old town...

...and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. Which one of you cow'rdly sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna haf'ta do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."


I got fired from my mail route today.

They said I wasn't picking up people's mail. I should have seen it coming though, there were red flags everywhere.


A man was jogging down the street....

when he suddenly slipped over on a pile of dog shit and landed face first in the gutter. Whilst he was picking himself up an elderly woman rounded the corner and before he could utter a word she too slipped on the shit and fell to the ground.
"Hey, I just did that!" said the man
"You should be fucking ashamed of yourself" replied the woman


A man and his wife are running out of money

A man and his wife are running out of money. Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.

The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05"

The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"


The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.

The first bat goes, and 30 minutes later he returns with blood dripping from his teeth. The others ask what happened, and he says, "See that stone house across the hill," The other two nod, "Well, I went inside and there was a very heafty women asleep in her chambers, ripe for the picking."

Impressed, the second bat goes off, and 30 minutes later, he returns with blood splatered across his face. The other ask what happened, and he says, "See that moated mansion over there," They nod, "Well there was a banquet inside, and by the time they realized what was happening to the guests, I was long gone."

Not wanting to lose the competition, the third bat goes off, and 30 minutes later he returns, his body dripping, wing to wing, with blood. The others, shocked, asked him what happened, and he says, "See that spiked wall castle across the hill," the others had to look quite far into the distance, but eventually nodded and said they saw it. "Well," the bat replies, "I didn't."


What are the most funny Picking jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Picking? Well, here are the best Picking dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Picking pick up lines to share with friends.

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