The Best 75 Picking Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Picking jokes. There are some picking basket jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these picking picker puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Picking Jokes and Puns

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

Picking up Women

The worst part about picking up a girl, is when she wakes up halfway through the ride home, and starts kicking the roof of your trunk.

Picking joke, Picking up Women

2 blondes in the rain...

2 blondes are leaving a bar when it starts pooring down rain. The first blonde realizes that she left the keys in the car and tries picking the lock. After a couple minutes of trying to open the door, the second blonde freaks out and says, "Hurry up! It's raining cats and dogs and the convertable top is down!"

What do pennies and fat chicks have in common?

Unless you're broke and desperate, they're not worth picking up.


Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...

You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.

a child is walking with a stick

when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is stupid and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"

Picking joke, a child is walking with a stick

A blonde goes to the doctors and both of her ears are red...

The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
She replies, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

What's the best thing about picking up a homeless chick?

It doesn't matter where you drop them off.

A billionaire goes for a drive

... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

You can explore picking unfazed reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean picking nearer dad jokes. There are also picking puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My dad's best improv

We were driving one day and my dad had to stop the car because a seagull was in the middle of the wet road picking away at a soggy box.
I asked him why he stopped the car instead of driving on.
To which he replied, "He's just trying to get his cardboardhydrates"

Needless to say, everyone in the car was stunned.

TIFU by picking up the wrong order at subway.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Multiple choice test

A teacher has administered a multiple choice test to his students. During the exam he notices one student is flipping a quarter and then filling in his answer key. This continues throughout the exam. Nearing the end of the exam, the techer notices the student picking up pace. He is flipping his quarter faster and faster and frantically erasing and scribbling on his test. The teacher approaches the student and asks "what are you doing?"

"Just double checking my answers"

An elephant escaped from the circus...

...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.

"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."

"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.

"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"

A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

Picking joke, A city bus driver is doing his route.

Tough Guy picking on a teen

Tough guy: I bet your still a Virgin! HAHAHAHA
Other Guy: I was a Virgin until last night
Tough guy: As if!
Other guy: Yeah man just ask your sister
Tough Guy: I don't have a sister???
Other Guy: You will in about 9 months

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

what is the key to picking up girls who are musicians?

get a flat and be sharp


Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?

Because his number couldn't fit in their phones

Everyone should stop picking on fat people..

They have enough on their plate already

What's the difference between a garbage truck and a school bus?

One goes around neighborhoods picking up useless pieces of garbage that nobody wants in their houses anymore..
And the other's a garbage truck.

A blond is tired

A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

I got a good piece of advice for picking up girls

Just keep your back straight and lift with your legs.

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Really? You're joking, right?" I asked my dad.

"No I'm not", he said. "Pack your bags , they're going to be picking you up in an hour."

a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...

finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".

Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm

At first i thought it was mine,
but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton

I found a new way to stop my girlfriend from picking up bad habits or doing anything that annoys me, I just have to say..

..."this is turning me on"

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows you it works then.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.

A Dad tells his son he is adopted...

Dad: I wanted to let you know you were adopted.
Son: Your kidding right?
Dad: Nope, they'll be picking you up in about an hour.

You will never see a black clown at the circus...

Because they are busy picking cotton candy.

Take your time picking your Cabinet.

Don't be Russian.

I was picking up some dog poo in the park today and thought to myself...

I really should get a dog…

I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite…

I ended up picking 7 Up…

A friend of mine used to brag about picking up hundreds of women a day.

And then METRO laid him off.

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

I think I want to be a garbage man.

I hear the industry is picking up!

What do you get when you mix a Mexican, and a octopus?

I don't know either but could you imagine that thing picking apples?!

Two blondes are trying to unlock a car....

The first blonde suggests picking it with a clothes hanger. As she struggles to unlock it the other blonde panicks and exclaims,"Hurry up the top is down and it's starting to rain!".

A server is carrying a tray of cheese when he sees a beautiful girl walk by.

He thinks of something to say and goes in for the kill. But on his way he slips on a wet spot, sending him sliding into an ice sculpture and spilling the cheese in a straight line behind him. People get up to help and start picking up cheese off the ground. The girl goes over to the server and asks if he is okay. The server responds, "I'm fine, but it seems my slick icebreaker has turned into a cheesy pickup line."

Why do Tennesseans always wear orange?

On Saturdays they watch the Vols. On Sundays they hunt. The rest of the week they are picking up trash by the side of the road.

I got fired from my mail route today.

They said I wasn't picking up people's mail. I should have seen it coming though, there were red flags everywhere.

A man was picking out a Christmas tree

A man was picking out a Christmas tree.

When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

I tried to be a gentleman by picking up something heavy for a lady

But she ended up getting mad at me in front of everyone at the gym

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the local supermarket,

But she was having trouble finding one that was large enough for her family.

She decided to ask the shop assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The shop assistant replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.."

Picking up girls is like the Cotangent function.

I don't understand the cotangent function.

Before I started working out, I used to have a hard time picking up chicks.

Now I can toss them in the back of the van no problem.

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.

But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

Why is it a bad idea picking a fight with a Dinosaur?

Because you will most likely end up getting jurasskicked.

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

People should stop picking on anti-vaxxers...

....After all, they're practically defenseless!

My boss walks over to my desk as the phone is ringing…

Boss: Why aren't you picking that up??

Me: I pick it up on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!!

Me: [rolls eyes] fine. 911, what's your emergency?

My grandfather told me this one

Doctor: "so tell me, how did you burn your ear?"


Patient: "I was ironing my clothes and the phone rang, and instead of picking up the phone I put the iron to my ear"

Doctor: "so how did your other ear burn?"

Patient: "well I had to call an ambulance didn't I?"

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.

"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.

The genie shook his head.

"I can't fulfill that wish."

The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"

The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"

What was the snowman doing with his hand in a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

A woman recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes ..."

I saw a disgusting thing at the grocery today. A snowman rummaging through the carrots?!

I mean picking your nose in public? Come on.

Why was the snowman embarrassed when caught buying a bag of carrots?

Because he got caught picking his nose

The sweater my wife gave me for Xmas was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

The highlight of my week was my new vacuum cleaner.

Things are picking up.

My therapist told me that I'm terrible in picking up social cues.

I think she's hitting on me.

What phrase should a veterinarian never say to their patient's owners?

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

Upon seeing a beautiful milkmaid, Thor appears before her in a flash of lightning...

Picking her up, he takes her to the hay loft where he proceeds to make ravenous love to her for thee days.

As the sun rose on the third day, he walked to the door and said "Woman! I must go. I have duties and I am Thor!"

To which she replied... "You're Thour? I'm not going to be able to thit down on that milking thtool for a week!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the picking shutup jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working picking manners piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes