Picking Jokes

What are some Picking jokes?

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows you it works then.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite…

I ended up picking 7 Up…

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

I found a new way to stop my girlfriend from picking up bad habits or doing anything that annoys me, I just have to say..

..."this is turning me on"

Everyone should stop picking on fat people..

They have enough on their plate already

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.

But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.

Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?

Because his number couldn't fit in their phones

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

An elephant escaped from the circus...

...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.

"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."

"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.

"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"

A billionaire goes for a drive

... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."

A blond is tired

A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

A cowboy rode into a dusty old town...

...and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. Which one of you cow'rdly sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna haf'ta do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."

I got fired from my mail route today.

They said I wasn't picking up people's mail. I should have seen it coming though, there were red flags everywhere.

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.

The first bat goes, and 30 minutes later he returns with blood dripping from his teeth. The others ask what happened, and he says, "See that stone house across the hill," The other two nod, "Well, I went inside and there was a very heafty women asleep in her chambers, ripe for the picking."

Impressed, the second bat goes off, and 30 minutes later, he returns with blood splatered across his face. The other ask what happened, and he says, "See that moated mansion over there," They nod, "Well there was a banquet inside, and by the time they realized what was happening to the guests, I was long gone."

Not wanting to lose the competition, the third bat goes off, and 30 minutes later he returns, his body dripping, wing to wing, with blood. The others, shocked, asked him what happened, and he says, "See that spiked wall castle across the hill," the others had to look quite far into the distance, but eventually nodded and said they saw it. "Well," the bat replies, "I didn't."

Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket...

You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.

a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...

finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".

Giving to the less fortunate

A homeless man had been driven to picking small blades of grass that he could find on the side of the street for food.

Then, a rich man drove up next to him, riding in a limo, and told him to get inside for a more plentiful meal.

The homeless man, almost taken aback by tears of joy, starts to enter the limo, but suddenly stops. He says "This is a very generous offer sir, but I have a wife and young child as well who are just as hungry as I am". "Thats fine", says the rich man, "the more people the better".

The homeless man starts to breakdown, saying, "I will never forget this sir, it has been so long since my family and I have had a proper meal". The rich man gives a confused look, and says, "I don't think you understand, the grass in my yard is a foot tall".

A guy is not having any luck picking up chicks

He notices that there is another little guy sitting by himself who is doing much better. Every hour or so a different girl walks up to the little guy, starts talking and they soon leave together.

The first guy turns to the bartender and asks "Why does he have all the luck. There is nothing special about him. He's just this scruffy little guy sitting all by himself."

The bartender replies "Ya. I don't understand it either. All he does is sit there all evening licking his eyebrows."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

2 blondes in the rain...

2 blondes are leaving a bar when it starts pooring down rain. The first blonde realizes that she left the keys in the car and tries picking the lock. After a couple minutes of trying to open the door, the second blonde freaks out and says, "Hurry up! It's raining cats and dogs and the convertable top is down!"

A server is carrying a tray of cheese when he sees a beautiful girl walk by.

He thinks of something to say and goes in for the kill. But on his way he slips on a wet spot, sending him sliding into an ice sculpture and spilling the cheese in a straight line behind him. People get up to help and start picking up cheese off the ground. The girl goes over to the server and asks if he is okay. The server responds, "I'm fine, but it seems my slick icebreaker has turned into a cheesy pickup line."

I think I want to be a garbage man.

I hear the industry is picking up!

Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm

At first i thought it was mine,
but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton

Picking up girls is like the Cotangent function.

I don't understand the cotangent function.

The Beer-Bottle Genie

A young man is walking along the beach, when he spies a beer bottle in the sand. Picking it up, he brushes it off to see what brand it is, when a genie popped out. In a thundering voice, it proclaimed, "I am the beer bottle genie! For freeing me, I will grant you any three wishes, BUT the condition is, every lawyer in the world will get TWO of that!"
So the kid thought, and decided, "I want a briefcase filled with a million dollars!"
POOF! A briefcase instantly appeared in front if him. Meanwhile, two brief cases with a million dollars each appeared in front of every lawyer in the world.
"And for my next wish," he added, "I would like a red Porsche."
POOF! One appeared in front of him on the sand. And two Porsches appeared in the garages of every lawyer in the world.
"All right," said the genie, " for your last wish think really hard. Okay, time's up! What do you want?"
"Well," said the boy, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

I was picking up some dog poo in the park today and thought to myself...

I really should get a dog…

A man was picking out a Christmas tree

A man was picking out a Christmas tree.

When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."

A king is picking the music to be played at his party

A king is throwing an extravagant party, and wants the perfect music to go along, but he can't decide who to have perform. So, he asks his most highly esteemed servant for advice.

"I am looking for a new unique style of music to be played at the party," says the king.

"Well, how about Johann Bach?" suggests the servant.

"He's great and everything," says the king, "But I want something new and unique"

The servant says, "Well what about oldest son, William Bach? He has mastered the art of classical music"

At this point the King is getting irritated. "No, no, no. I want something fresh and new and refreshing to hear. We've all heard of classical music"

"I know just the person you're looking for!" says the servant. "His youngest son David Bach has a style unlike that of his brothers and father. How does that sound?"

The king, furious at his servants similar suggestions, screams, "What's wrong with you? Can't you think outside the Bachs?!"

Why is everyone picking on Jews?

A comedian was going into his favourite joke, "One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..." when a heckler from the audience interrupted.

"Moskowitz and Finkelstein! why does it always have to be two Jews? Can't you tell a joke with any other nationalities involved!? Why don't you make them Chinese for a change?"

The comedian rejoined, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. How about this: One day, Lee Ho and Mao Chen were on their way to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Lee Ho's nephew..."

A man goes to audition for the circus

A man goes to audition for the circus. The ringmaster says, "Okay, whatcha got?"

The man climbs up the acrobat's mast and dives straight down, 50 feet and picking up speed. Just as he's about to crash, he spreads his arms, lifts his head and *SWOOSH!* pulls up and zooms over the ringmaster's head. He continues flying around the tent, swooping low and somersalting mid-air before gracefully coming to a stop on the trapeze tightrope.

"Well, what do you think?" he asks.

The ringmaster replies, "That's all you got? *Bird imitations?!*"

A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the local supermarket,

But she was having trouble finding one that was large enough for her family.

She decided to ask the shop assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The shop assistant replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.."

Before I started working out, I used to have a hard time picking up chicks.

Now I can toss them in the back of the van no problem.

A man gets married and wants to have children

A man gets married and wants to have children. His wife works hard at her job performing autopsies, and they save up enough money to where the husband starts talking seriously about having a child. She is very stand-offish about it, but he continues to bring it up repeatedly. One day, after picking her up from her job at the morgue, he confronts her, asking "Why don't you want to have children?" Angrily, she turns to him and tells him "Because nobody puts a baby in a coroner."

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.

What's the latest invention to come out of the UA engineering program? A solar-powered flashlight.

How can you tell if someone's a UA graduate? Look at the ring while they're picking their nose.

Why are criminals so hard to catch in Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA.

What does an Alabaman call a six-pack and a dead possum? A seven-course meal.

Since state jokes seem to be the thing today, and, well, I'm from Georgia...

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Really? You're joking, right?" I asked my dad.

"No I'm not", he said. "Pack your bags , they're going to be picking you up in an hour."

I got a good piece of advice for picking up girls

Just keep your back straight and lift with your legs.

A Dad tells his son he is adopted...

Dad: I wanted to let you know you were adopted.
Son: Your kidding right?
Dad: Nope, they'll be picking you up in about an hour.

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store.

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. Tyler, what are you doing? I asked.

Haven't you found a nice card for Daddy yet?

No, he replied. I'm looking for one with money in it.

A blonde goes to the doctors and both of her ears are red...

The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
She replies, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

What's the best thing about picking up a homeless chick?

It doesn't matter where you drop them off.

Take your time picking your Cabinet.

Don't be Russian.

Why is it a bad idea picking a fight with a Dinosaur?

Because you will most likely end up getting jurasskicked.

a child is walking with a stick

when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is stupid and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"

You will never see a black clown at the circus...

Because they are busy picking cotton candy.

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

My dad's best improv

We were driving one day and my dad had to stop the car because a seagull was in the middle of the wet road picking away at a soggy box.
I asked him why he stopped the car instead of driving on.
To which he replied, "He's just trying to get his cardboardhydrates"

Needless to say, everyone in the car was stunned.

what is the key to picking up girls who are musicians?

get a flat and be sharp

I tried to be a gentleman by picking up something heavy for a lady

But she ended up getting mad at me in front of everyone at the gym

Why do Tennesseans always wear orange?

On Saturdays they watch the Vols. On Sundays they hunt. The rest of the week they are picking up trash by the side of the road.

Tough Guy picking on a teen

Tough guy: I bet your still a Virgin! HAHAHAHA
Other Guy: I was a Virgin until last night
Tough guy: As if!
Other guy: Yeah man just ask your sister
Tough Guy: I don't have a sister???
Other Guy: You will in about 9 months

Being Fired

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this.

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,

"I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said,

"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,

"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!

What do you get when you mix a Mexican, and a octopus?

I don't know either but could you imagine that thing picking apples?!

Mother is shocked when her daughter comes back from school with five dollars worth of quarters.

Daughter: the boys at school kept dropping these quarters in front of me and I kept picking them up.

Mother: no honey, don't. The boys at school are probably looking at your underwear when you reach down for the quarters....

So the daughter goes back to school the next day comes back home again with ten dollars in quarters.

Mother: Honey. What did I tell you...? Were you picking up quarters again?

Daughter: it's ok mommy. I fooled them because I didn't wear any underwear under my skirt today.

Two blondes are trying to unlock a car....

The first blonde suggests picking it with a clothes hanger. As she struggles to unlock it the other blonde panicks and exclaims,"Hurry up the top is down and it's starting to rain!".

TIFU by picking up the wrong order at subway.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A friend of mine used to brag about picking up hundreds of women a day.

And then METRO laid him off.

Picking up Women

The worst part about picking up a girl, is when she wakes up halfway through the ride home, and starts kicking the roof of your trunk.

What do pennies and fat chicks have in common?

Unless you're broke and desperate, they're not worth picking up.

Multiple choice test

A teacher has administered a multiple choice test to his students. During the exam he notices one student is flipping a quarter and then filling in his answer key. This continues throughout the exam. Nearing the end of the exam, the techer notices the student picking up pace. He is flipping his quarter faster and faster and frantically erasing and scribbling on his test. The teacher approaches the student and asks "what are you doing?"

"Just double checking my answers"

How to make Picking jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Picking to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Picking? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Picking pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes