picked Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious picked puns

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home

She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away

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I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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I get that the #me too movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could've picked a better slogan than PoundMeToo

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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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So I picked up this girl the other day.....

and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

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Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

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Picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said thanks! how do you know i'm not a serial killer though?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

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Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

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I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of sprite...

... only to realise when I got home i had picked 7up.

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What did Helen Keller say when she picked up the cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read...........

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I bought 6 cans of Sprite from the shop today..

But when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up

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When my wife and I got married,

we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.

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Went to the hardware store today...

I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.

Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"

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A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket

He said, " How could someone stoop so low"

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18 inch harry..

A first-time John went to a whorehouse. He entered a private room, put $50 on the table and dropped his pants.

At the sight of the man's 18-inch penis, the hooker almost fainted.

"Hold on, pal," she said. "I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you are not sticking that in me."

The man pulled up his pants, picked up his money and said, "Screw you bitch. I can do those things myself."

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Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite...

Got back to the office and realized I had picked 7 up.

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I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"

......So I turned it into wine

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The Harshest "Yo Mamma" Joke...

Yo Mamma is like a bowling ball...

She likes to get picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, then comes back for more.

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After hearing Kim and Kanye are having a kid via in vitro fertilization...

Of course Kanye picked the option where he could have sex with himself and still have a kid.

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A couple of hookers are standing on a corner as a police car slowly drives by

One turns to the other and asks:
"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other replies:
"No, but I've been swung around by my tits."

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Two prostitutes are discussing the hazards of their job

One says, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I've been slung around by the tits."

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Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

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Over smart.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

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How did they name Canada?

They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.

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I took my dog to the vet

The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".

"Why, what's wrong with him?"

"He's too heavy"

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A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all," the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

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A man was eating a hotdog...

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all." the woman replied.

The man picked up the dog and tossed him over a wall.

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Small Organ

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.

After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.

"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."

Hurt, he replied, "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

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I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.

The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low'

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Two economists walk down a road...

Two economists walk down a road and they see a twenty dollar bill lying on the side-walk. One of them asks is that a twenty dollar bill? Then the other one answers It can't be, because someone would have picked it up already, and they keep walking.

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Joke from my daughter.

What is bruce banners favourite kind of potato?
HULK'S MASH!

no idea where she picked it up from, but it made me chuckle

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Burnt ears...

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"

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"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

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A Guy was arrested for driving over a bunch of people in a wedding...

The detective asked him, "Why did you do that?"

He replied: "There was 1 guy on the left side of the road, & the wedding was on the right. Which one would you have picked?"

Detective: I Would've picked the left side of course! 1 dead is much better than a dozen...

"Well, That's what i intended to do. But that bastard ran into the wedding!"

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What are the most funny Picked jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Picked? Well, here are the best Picked dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Picked pick up lines to share with friends.

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