Pick Up Jokes
113 pick up jokes and hilarious pick up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pick up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pick Up Short Jokes
Short pick up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pick up humour may include short pickup jokes also.
- Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00.. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
Riceless - Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. - A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
- My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
- You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.
- I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
- If you could exterminate any race what would you pick? Personally, I'd get rid of the 800m. It's too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
- I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
- I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
- To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza. I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
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Pick Up One Liners
Which pick up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pick up? I can suggest the ones about knock knock pick up and picking up trash.
- "Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up" "Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"
- Sir, you've got a very rare disease Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name" - "Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?" "I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"
- How do women defy the laws of physics? The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!
- Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate? To lay off his campaign staff.
- Modern day bullies be like: "Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"
- What is the best way to pick up American girls? With a crane.
- What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier? Women
- A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket He said, " How could someone stoop so low"
- A guy picks up a girl "Oi, put me down"
- What's the best pick up line at a gay bar? "May I push your stool in."
- What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A Woman
- Turns out when asked who your favorite child is... You're supposed to pick your own.
- I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite… I ended up picking 7 Up…
- How did they name Canada? They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Pick Up Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about pick up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pickle up jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pick up pranks.
Why did the s**... go to college?
To pick up his master's degree.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.
She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
My caller id said "private caller", so I ignored it.
I only pick up if it says "lieutenant caller" or higher.
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
A farmer had three daughters...
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
A Soviet citizen is buying a car
He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.
He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"
"But that's eight years from now."
"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."
"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morning or afternoon?"
"It's eight years away. What difference does it make?"
"The plumber is coming in the morning."
I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.
I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"
Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"
I phoned my wife...
...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"
She had just grunted down the phone.
I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..
...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries
As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.
Two families make a bet on who can be more american
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, t**..."
My car mechanic called me and said, You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.
I said, I don't think I'll be strong enough by then.
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".
The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".
"No. This time it's mayonnaise"
A man walks up to a woman in a bar.
He puts a lime next to her. The woman asks "what this"? The man says "its a lime". The woman says "can you move that lime somewhere else"? The man says "sure".The man tries to move the lime several times but cant seem to lift it. The woman says "is something wrong"? The man says "Sorry, I am bad at pick up limes".
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,
"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Fish and chips
I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
Heard this one at an auto parts store.
I went to an auto shop the other day to get a new bulb for one of my headlights. I grabbed one from the isle and started heading for the counter.
Guy behind the counter looks up and says How can I help you?
I say Oh, I just wanted to pick up a bulb, showing him the one in my hand.
He points to my hand and says Nice job!
caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.
I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.
Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.
At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the f**..., he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
I called my wife and said that I'll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.
I think she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
What is the best thing about liquid soap?
It takes longer to pick up.
Everything I pick up, I drop.
The situation is getting out of hand.
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work.
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up.
The only things that defy gravity are women...
...the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
At willcall for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me.
It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.
Guys that try and pick up girls on Facebook are pathetic..
Girls, if you agree message me your number so we can talk about it.
What's your favorite pick up line?
Mine is the Ford F Series.
So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting.
However, when I returned, I realised that I had picked 7 up instead
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence...
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky
and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few clouds. That's when I realized:
It was the clam before the storm.
What's easier to pick up the heavier it is?
A girl.
When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs
It's the best place place to pick up chicks.
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
I asked my dad what he was planning to do today.
He said he was going to the optometrist to pick up his new prescription then he'd see.
Reggie, Joe, and Chuck
There was once a farmer who had three teenage daughters. On prom night, a young boy rang his doorbell.
**Reggie:** My name's Reggie, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to go eat some spaghetti, is she ready?
He told his Betty that someone was there to pick her up and they left.
A while later, there someone else rang the doorbell.
**Joe:** My name's Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, we're going to watch a show, is she ready to go?
So he told Flo and they left.
A bit later, there was yet another boy at his door. He said:
**Chuck:** My name's Chuck...
And the farmer shot him.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night.
He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low
The best pick up advice I've ever been told is..
..always bend your knees.
A programmer's wife sends him to the store and says get some bread, and
while you're there pick up some eggs.
The programmer never returns.
My boss phoned me today...
My boss phoned me today. He said
"Is everything OK at the office?"
I said "It is all under control.
" It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take
a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor" he asked.
I said "Of course, What is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the
f**... behind you."
The Horse and the Chicken
One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.
"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll just get the farmer's BMW and pull you out!"
The chicken did this, and all was well. The following day, without thinking the chicken fell into the same hole.
"Help help Horse! I've fallen into this hole and I can't get out!"
The horse smiled and said, "Don't worry Chicken. Just grab a hold of my w**...!"
"What?!?"
"Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need BMWs to pick up chicks."
Good book is like a good puppy
A good book is like a good puppy, easy to pick up but hard to put down
My boss recently fired me...
So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."
I then realized how much OK resembled a stick-man.
How do you pick up an elephant with one hand?
You can't, there are no elephants with one arm
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...
The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."
After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"
Jake went over to pick up his girlfriend to go on a date.
When he found her n**..., he asked why.
"Well, because I don't have any dresses to wear!"
"Sure you do," Jake replied, opening her closet. "Here's a blue one, a red one, a green one- oh, hi Francis- a yellow one..."
I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up fish and chips on the way home, and she slammed the phone down on me.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
A mother of a boy walks into the school nurse's office to pick up her son...
She sees her son standing nervously off to one side of the office. His mother walks over to the nurse's desk to sign him out of school. She queries the nurse:
"What was he complaining of? He seems fine!"
The nurse responds: "He had a terrible cough when he came in."
The mother, suspecting her son is faking it, asks the nurse: "Well, what did you give him to make him so much better all of a sudden?"
"I gave him a laxative," replied the nurse.
"A laxative?!" the mother exclaims.
"Yep. Look at him; he's afraid to cough."
How do you pick up a s**... bomber?
With a dustpan
An undertaker comes home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?"asks his wife."I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge e**... .Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big n**... guy lying on the bed with this huge e**....So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye? "The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."
Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?
They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
You pick up the grenade from the ground, pull the pin, and throw it back.
Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?
It takes longer to pick up.
I told my friend we should go out and pick up some chicks
He asked, "What about your wife?"
I replied "Nah, she's married"
Today I tried to pick up a girl by telling her I was invisible.
She saw right through me.
How do you tell a lion to pick up the pace?
MUFASA!
A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,
the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.
Steve sees a woman crying on the street
\- "Why are you crying?" he asks.
\- "My husband went to pick up cigarettes' and he hasn't come back home for 2 weeks now."
\- "Don't worry, I can give you cigarettes."
How do cannibals pick up women?
With a fork
Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.
Hmm… Sherlock ponders, I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6' 1 , was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.
Watson was completely confused by his partner's deduction.
How could you possibly get all that from just a button?
Elementary! Sherlock replied. Because it's mine!
An old man goes fishing
An old man is fishing at a lake when a frog approaches him.
The frog says "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman and fall in love with you."
The man is amazed. He pick up the frog, stuffs him in his pocket and heads for home.
On the drive, the frog starts squirming and making a fuss, so the man takes the frog out of his pocket.
The frog says "Hey, did you not hear what I said? Just kiss me already and you'll have the woman of your dreams!"
The old man replies "I'm 80 years old. I'd much rather have a talking frog"
I was having trouble dating but a girl finally asked me if I wanted to get coffee today.
Sure she was wearing an apron and standing behind a register but still, my pick up game is getting better.
Wife:Do you need anything at the grocery store?
Me: pick up 30 bottles of minute maid
Wife: why so many?
Me: didn't you hear the news? O.J. is free!
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number.
You pick up the wrong phone.
The phone rings, and Dad asks: What does the caller ID say?
Mom: It's a private caller.
Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
Why dose the navy use liquid soap?
Because it takes longer to pick up.
Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.
The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.
The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."
Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor where it shatters and spills the ashes everywhere. "Oh no! OH NO!! I'm SO sorry!" they exclaim.
"Don't worry about it. We'll just clean it up, my Dad can tap his cigarettes into a mug until he buys another jar from Walmart."
