Pick Me Up Jokes
46 pick me up jokes and hilarious pick me up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pick me up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Pick Me Up Short Jokes
Short pick me up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pick me up humour may include short cheer me up jokes also.
- Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00.. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
Riceless - Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. - A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
- My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
- You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.
- I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
- If you could exterminate any race what would you pick? Personally, I'd get rid of the 800m. It's too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
- I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
- I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
- To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza. I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Share These Pick Me Up Jokes With Friends
Pick Me Up One Liners
Which pick me up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pick me up? I can suggest the ones about knock knock pick up and pickup.
- "Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up" "Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"
- Sir, you've got a very rare disease Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name" - "Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?" "I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"
- How do women defy the laws of physics? The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!
- Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate? To lay off his campaign staff.
- Modern day bullies be like: "Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"
- What is the best way to pick up American girls? With a crane.
- What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier? Women
- A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket He said, " How could someone stoop so low"
- A guy picks up a girl "Oi, put me down"
- What's the best pick up line at a gay bar? "May I push your stool in."
- What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A Woman
- Turns out when asked who your favorite child is... You're supposed to pick your own.
- I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite… I ended up picking 7 Up…
- How did they name Canada? They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.
Hilarious Fun Pick Me Up Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about pick me up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cheer you up jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pick me up pranks.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.
"Just count to five and pull on the main c**...," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve c**...."
"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main c**.... Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve c**.... Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said: "I bet that bus won't be there to pick me up either."
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. Thanks but why'd you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night.
He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low
A woman smiling
Not my joke but wanted to post it here. A bit dry but I find it funny.
At a bar a woman keeps smiling at a man. Finally the man walk over to her.
Man: I would like to ask you to come over to my place.
Woman: Are you trying to pick me up?
Man: No. I'm a dentist.
My girlfriend always says the same thing to me after s**.....
Hello, come pick me up.
A man walked into a Walgreens and asked where the tampons were.
Cashier: "Aisle 5."
Minutes later the man returned with a bag of cotton b**... and some string.
Cashier: "I thought you were buying tampons."
Man: "I was, and then I got to thinking about something. The other day I asked my wife to pick me up some cigarettes while she was out, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Her reasoning was that it was just SOOO MUCH CHEAPER. So the way I figure it, if I have to roll my own, then so does she."
A women steps out of the shower and drops her towel...
A women steps out of the shower and drops her towel. She stands in front of the mirror in her bedroom. "I hate my body, i'm too fat", she says sadly to her husband on their bed. "I'm feeling a little down after that, i could use a pick me up. Compliment me?" she says. He says back, "Well for one thing your eyesight is great!"
logician joke (hard to get)
3 logicians walk into a bar. The blonde bartender smiles and says with a mock sigh,
'Hmmm.. Logicians again. I think you're all cute, but you're not ALL going to try to pick me up, are you?'
The first logician says: 'I don't know - maybe?' and looks at the other two.
The second logician says, 'I don't know - maybe?' and looks at the third one.
The third logician says, 'Well, looks like we are!' and orders four beers."
Rap Battle
Hey, can you pick me up from my rap battle?, It's over.
Sure, did you win?
No..no, I lost
What went wrong?
Well grandma, they saw you drop me off and did a pretty devastating rhyme about it.
I asked m**... Jagger to pick me up some swampy plants.
But a Rolling Stone gathers no moss.
What's the difference between an elephant and a dozen eggs?
Since you clearly don't know i won't sent you to the store to pick me up a dozen eggs
My son came to pick me up for a road trip. He had a new luggage rack on top of his car.
He said, See this, it's Iraq. It's for your Baghdad.
I was so proud.
My parents divorced when I was 9, and every other weekend my Dad would pick me up and take me to h**.......practically raised me there.
...so many good mammaries.
WIFE: The car won't start. Can you pick me up at the drive through McDonald's in town?
ME: There isn't a drive through in town
WIFE: There is now
One day I picked up a hitchhiker
He said, Sure is nice of you to pick me up. For all you know I could've been a serial killer.
I turned to him and said, The chances of two serial killers in one car are very slim.
I trust anyone who can pick me up
It's not a good rule, but it's carried me this far
My friend phoned me up at three in the morning.
He said, "Can you pick me up from the bar?"
I said, "No mate, my arms aren't that long."
To this day I remember the time my mom forgot to pick me up from school. The school was already empty, only the janitors were left. I cried but they gave me milk and cookies and told me that everything will be all right.
Worst high school experience ever...
People ask me if my mom dropped me on my head as a baby. I always reply "no,
she'd have to pick me up to drop me"
I picked up a hitchhiker last night, and he said "Thanks, but why'd you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I said "The chances of picking up a second serial killer would be astronomical!"
I'm sorry you lost the weightlifting competition.
Would you like a pick me up?
I always make my girlfriend come twice in the car.
Once to drop me off, the second time to pick me up.
The doctor recommended cutting back on alcohol for a better quality of life. Then he saw my wife who had come to pick me up!
He said, "You can consume all the drinks you want, it's healthy."
My dad got me at the adoption center today
He pretended to just leave me there. Good one dad, now come pick me up please.
Hey Grandma
Hey, grandma? Can you come pick me up from my rap battle? It's over. No, I lost. He saw you drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it.
A man and a priest are sitting next to each other at a bar.
A waitress walks up to the man and say,
"can I get you anything to drink". The man replies,
"I've had a long week, my wife's been screaming at me for days and need a pick me up, give me the strongest thing you've got".
Then the waitress turns to the priest and asks him the same thing. Horrified at the concept of consuming alcohol, the priest says,
"I would rather commit adultery than drink a single drop of booze!!!"
Hearing this, the man turns back around and says, "Excuse me miss, I didn't know we had a choice".
I never want U.S. soccer to pick me up from work anymore,
All they ever do is let me down...
With age comes wisdom...
A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The retd officer said, 'Are you talking to me ?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride !'
The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts ? Didn't you hear what I said ?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said
'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
I bought a new car recently.
I got it for a great deal. Oscar Mayer w**... was going under so they sold me one of their w**... vans. I was really excited so I drove it around town to show off. I pulled up to a Starbucks because I was thirsty and as I was parking I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. She watched me park and smiled as I walked over to her.
I introduced my self and we just started talking. She looked amazing, I complimented her on her dress. This led to a nice conversation about fashion. I began talking about this vest I recently bought at an estate sale. She seemed really interested and said, "We should set up a date, and maybe I can see you in the vest." I excitedly replied, "That would be amazing!"
Things were looking great until she said, "On one condition. You don't pick me up in the hot dog car." Well this upset me greatly and I wasn't sure how to respond. I thought about it for a moment and then I said, "If you can't handle me in my wurst you don't deserve me in my vest."
Bill and Ted were at a bar...
Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
"How?"
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a terrible way to die!"
"Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the fridge tipped over. It knocked down my china cabinet as well, and everything fell on him."
"Flattened by a refrigerator? That's horrible!"
"That didn't kill him either. He managed to stand up but he fell again, this time into my fireplace. He caught on fire, and started running frantically about. Everything he touched caught on fire, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain."
"That's the worst thing yet! Oh man, poor Dave!"
"No, he was still alive after that."
"Wait, he survived all that? How exactly did he die?"
"Well, I shot him. He was destroying my house."
