The Best 65 Pick Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Pick jokes. There are some pick choose jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pick knock knock pick up puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Pick Jokes and Puns
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..
Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
Riceless
Why did the slave go to college?
To pick up his master's degree.
Father: Son, you were adopted.
Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".
The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".
"No. This time it's mayonnaise"
I just explained Google images to my mum...
"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied.
A farmer had three daughters...
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.
But these are just miner details.
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl
i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"
You can explore pick defy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pick chose dad jokes. There are also pick puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.
I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP
I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.
What is the best way to pick up American girls?
With a crane.
"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.
"What?! Really?!", I said.
"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."
A man walks up to a woman in a bar.
He puts a lime next to her. The woman asks "what this"? The man says "its a lime". The woman says "can you move that lime somewhere else"? The man says "sure".The man tries to move the lime several times but cant seem to lift it. The woman says "is something wrong"? The man says "Sorry, I am bad at pick up limes".
How do women defy the laws of physics?
The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!
A redneck's father passed away in his sleep
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom.
A pick pocket snatches watches.
Little girl: "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up."
Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both."
Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?
To lay off his campaign staff.
I was reading in the paper today about a midget that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.
I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
"Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up"
"Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"
Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"
Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"
Modern day bullies be like:
"Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"
A woman giddily asks her husband...
"Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?"
"Pi," said the husband.
"Oh!" she replied "That's interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?"
"No," he said. "But Pi is irrational, darling."
Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?
Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.
She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
A hot girl asked me if i wanted to watch a movie
Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie
She asked, "What would you like to see?"
I said, "You pick".
She said, "You pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."
You know there's no official training for garbage men?
They just pick it up as they go along.
"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"
"I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"
What's the best pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in."
Three boys were talking after school...
Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"
A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries
As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.
When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...
I always end up at self checkout.
What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?
Women
I phoned my wife...
...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"
She had just grunted down the phone.
I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins
Two families make a bet on who can be more american
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"
Picked up a hitchhiker last night
He said thanks! how do you know i'm not a serial killer though?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical
I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"
Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I'd get rid of the 800m. It's too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
Sir, you've got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name"
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..
...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. Thanks but why'd you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
I'm voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I'm still not sure which one to pick.
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
My wife asked me which of her friends I want to have a threesome with.
Apparently, I wasn't supposed to pick two of them.
A Soviet citizen is buying a car
He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.
He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"
"But that's eight years from now."
"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."
"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morning or afternoon?"
"It's eight years away. What difference does it make?"
"The plumber is coming in the morning."
I came home the other night after work...
... and my wife called down from upstairs:
"Honey, it's your 65th birthday... come upstairs and make love to me."
I replied:
"That's great dear, but you'll have to pick one."
Picked up a hitch-hiker.
Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.
That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.
My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.
Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...
We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up for the rest of the day. I was on cloud nine!
That evening, as we were getting into bed, I took off my new glasses and set them on my nightstand. My wife glanced over at me and said, "Oh. It's you."
How did Canada get its name?
2 people were walking around, and one says, "Oh this is a good country, eh? What should we name it?" So the other one says, "I agree, what should we name it?" The first one says, "Let's pick letters out of a hat." So they put letters in a hat and start to pull them. "We picked a C eh, N eh, D eh"
whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket
i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.
Colonoscopy Prep
My girlfriend is going in to get a colonoscopy tomorrow. She wants me to pick up some large Googly-eyes to make her ass look like a face, then she wants to tuck in a post-it note saying Psssst: we've been wanting to talk to you about your car's extended warranty.
Never a dull moment here.
I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.
She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pick lame pick up jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working pick pick me up piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.