Pick Jokes
162 pick jokes and hilarious pick puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pick that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of the same old jokes? In this article, discover the secret of picking the best jokes that your audience is sure to love. Learn a variety of methods, including using a guitar pick, selecting corny jokes, using an ice pick, choosing an elect, and defying selection.
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Funniest Pick Short Jokes
Short pick jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pick humour may include short choice jokes also.
- Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. - A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
- You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.
- I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
- I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
- I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
- To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza. I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
- I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
- I get that the #me too movement is supposed to be empowering... But they could've picked a better slogan than PoundMeToo
- "Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
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Pick One Liners
Which pick one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pick? I can suggest the ones about selection and choose.
- "Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up" "Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"
- Sir, you've got a very rare disease Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: "You pick the name" - "Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?" "I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"
- How do women defy the laws of physics? The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!
- Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate? To lay off his campaign staff.
- What is the best way to pick up American girls? With a crane.
- What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier? Women
- A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket He said, " How could someone stoop so low"
- A guy picks up a girl "Oi, put me down"
- What's the best pick up line at a gay bar? "May I push your stool in."
- Turns out when asked who your favorite child is... You're supposed to pick your own.
- How did they name Canada? They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.
- What is the best thing about liquid soap? It takes longer to pick up.
- I like my pick-up lines how I like my cheetos Dangerously Cheesy
- Everything I pick up, I drop. The situation is getting out of hand.
Pick Me Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny pick me up jokes and even better pick me up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My caller id said "private caller", so I ignored it. I only pick up if it says "lieutenant caller" or higher.
- When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier... I always end up at self checkout.
- Girl named IKEA had to change her name to stop being picked on at school. However stop being picked on at school is arguably a worse choice.
- I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details.
- I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
- I just explained Google images to my mum... "Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied. - Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too" - What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. A pick pocket snatches watches.
- I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but... ...he was too busy juggling.
- My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name... I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
Pick Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny pick up jokes and even better pick up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Really awkward pick-up line. Me: You look like my first wife.
Her: (surprised) How many wives have you had?
Me: None
*wedding music starts playing* - Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up! Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
- Do you know how to confuse a coal miner? Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.
- Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
Old man says "nope, it'll kill em" - My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
- How many ska musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to drop the bulb and two to yell "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!!!"
- Got a new job as a garbage man but I was worried as there's no training. The boss said I'll pick it up as I go.
- My car mechanic called me and said, You can pick up your car by 5 p.m. I said, I don't think I'll be strong enough by then.
- A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant... He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."
- A Dad picks his son up from school Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?
Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.
Ice Pick Jokes
Here is a list of funny ice pick jokes and even better ice pick puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know how many hydrogen bonds I can disrupt? (Chemistry pick-up line) Enough to break the ice, how's it going?
- Leon Trotsky asks a travel agent if they have any hotel rooms in Mexico. The travel agent responded by saying that Mexico would be a very ice pick.
- Sometimes you go to 7-eleven to pick up ice... ...and sometimes ICE goes to 7-eleven to pick you up.
- I picked up a tub of ice cream and a tub of light ice cream They weighed the same.
- Did you hear about the hipster with sticky hands? He tried to pick up an ice lolly before it was cool
- The other day, a man ran into the room screaming with an ice pick raised over his head while my new friends and I were sitting together in silence.... it was a great icebreaker
- A king holds up an ice pick to a boy Someday son this awl will be yours!
- What tool is essential for all social situations? An ice pick. (to break the ice)
- Why does Snoop Dogg carry an ice pick? In case he needs to chizzel, baby.
Guitar Pick Jokes
Here is a list of funny guitar pick jokes and even better guitar pick puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the guitar at the music store say to the customer browsing through their selection of stringed instruments? "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!!!!"
- Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick? He's a plectrum on the spectrum.
- I'm OK at guitar but I can't pick up the piano.
- I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.
- When I finally found the perfect guitar plectrum... I knew it was a good pick.
- I like my women like I like my guitar picks Thiccc
- Why do girls fall for guitar players? They have good picks
- Chuck Norris killed the devil and is selling his own line of Picks of Destiny, available in all Chuck Norris approved guitar shops.
Fun-Filled Pick Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about pick you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vote jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pick pranks.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the s**... go to college?
To pick up his master's degree.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".
The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".
"No. This time it's mayonnaise"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you like to have s**... while listening to music, always pick a live album
... that way you'll get applauded every 3-4 minutes
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican, a Black guy and a White guy are walking down the beach...
They find a bottle and the Mexican guy decides pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out of the bottle and speaks to them and grants them each one wish.
The Mexican guy goes first and says, "I wish that all my Mexican brethren and I could be transported back to our native homeland and we could all be happy there."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Mexican guy disappears.
Now it's the black guy's turn. He says, "I wish that all my African brothers and I could all go back to our motherland and be happy, prosperous and free."
The genie grants his wish and p**..., the Black guy disappears.
Now it's the white guy's turn.
The white guy pauses for a moment, scratches his head and says "Are you telling me that all the b**... and Mexicans are gone from America?
The genie nods his head and says yes.
The white guy makes up his mind and says, "Ok, well i'll have a Coke, thanks."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...
and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have s**... with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the f**..., he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
Becoming a garbage man isn't hard....
you just pick it up as you go along.
^^^*I'm* ^^^*terribly* ^^^*sorry*
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
A farmer had three daughters...
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
A man goes ice fishing...
He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."
He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, There are no fish there either."
He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."
Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"
"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
my wife finally agreed to a t**..., on the condition that she picks the girl
i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"
I'm against picketing....
But I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg
I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app...
When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP
I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.
A lady walks into a dry cleaners...
...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy who pick pocketed a midget?
How could he stoop so low?
At willcall for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me.
It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.
My mother always said, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your maid."
When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."
A man walks up to a woman in a bar.
He puts a lime next to her. The woman asks "what this"? The man says "its a lime". The woman says "can you move that lime somewhere else"? The man says "sure".The man tries to move the lime several times but cant seem to lift it. The woman says "is something wrong"? The man says "Sorry, I am bad at pick up limes".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium
Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was reading in the paper today about a midget that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
I was reading in the paper...
And I saw this article about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
I thought to myself, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told a man I was voting third party
He said, "That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump"
"Simple," I replied, "I'd pick the bullet."
Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.
They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pickup line: Girl, is your name Medusa?
Because you made me rock hard
A woman giddily asks her husband...
"Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?"
"Pi," said the husband.
"Oh!" she replied "That's interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?"
"No," he said. "But Pi is irrational, darling."
My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."
He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…
I made one little mistake 8 years ago and my wife still won't let it go.
She always forces me to go back to the park and pick him up.
It was my first day at a new school.
When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the midget that got pick pocketed?
I can't believe someone could stoop so low..
"Mom, turn on FOX. I want to hear the news."
You'll have to pick one or the other.
Three boys were talking after school...
Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."
The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"
The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two families make a bet on who can be more american
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, t**..."
Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...
It all comes down to Roe v Wade
When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs
It's the best place place to pick up chicks.
I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"
Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..
...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
I just learned how to lock pick
Its opened so many doors for me
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with r**... allegations this year for president.
But I'm still not sure which one to pick.
Bag Boy: Paper or plastic, sir?
Customer: Whatever, you pick.
Bag Boy: Sorry, baggers can't be choosers.
My boss walks over to my desk as the phone is ringing…
Boss: Why aren't you picking that up??
Me: I pick it up on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.
Boss: PICK IT UP!!
Me: [rolls eyes] fine. 911, what's your emergency?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too s**... to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.
"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
My five year old just told me this one...
Why did the snowman go to the vegetable garden?
So he could go pick his nose.
When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries of mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agree with, but
I couldn't pick a side
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky
and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few clouds. That's when I realized:
It was the clam before the storm.
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
Hamboogers
My 8 year old told me this one, i told him it was snot funny.
