pianist Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious pianist puns

If a piano player is called a pianist

Wouldn't a racecar driver be called a racist?

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Why was the pianist arrested?

He was caught playing in A minor.

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Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

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If Arnold Schwarzenegger were a pianist..

He'd be Bach.

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Why did the pianist go to jail?

Because he tapped *A Minor*

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A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.

Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.

I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"

To which he replied, "I cannot play piano without my metro-gnome."

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An italian, an Irishman, a German, a talking dog,

a lesbian, a cowboy, the pope, a gambling midget, the president, and a ten inch pianist all walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at all of them and says:

"What is this, a joke?"

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[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed..

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One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;Β 

I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

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The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;Β 

I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

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The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuanaΒ 

and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.Β 

All I had left to work with was the man'sΒ  blonde hair and the Horse's ass.Β 

I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"

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Took me a while

*When I was a kid, my mom always used to quote the punchline of this joke. Today, four decades later, I finally heard the joke itself.*

On a hot day, a guy ducks into a bar for a beer. There is no one in the bar but the bartender, a pianist, and a little monkey dancing on the piano.

The guy is drinking his beer, when the monkey comes over, dancing ever more energetically, stepping, jumping, twirling. The dance reaches its frenzied climax, and the monkey gives a little bow, and walks over to glass of beer sitting on the bar, and dunks his testicles in the beer, saying "Ahhhh" as his over-heated genitalia are cooled.

The guy goes over to the piano. "Hey," he says, "Do you know your monkey is soaking his balls in my beer?"

"No," replies the pianist. "But if you hum a few bars, I can fake it."

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What's the difference between a penis and a pianist?

One sits down and tickles the ivories, the other stands up and tickles the ovaries.

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A guy's auditioning as a piano player at an exclusive, high-profile bar...

The owner sits with him and asks him to play something. The pianist proceeds to play 2 minutes of beautiful, awe inspiring music. The club owner can't believe what he's hearing, and asks what this gorgeous song is called.


"My cat's fucking my dog" replies the pianist.


The club owner is shocked by the title, but asks to hear another. The pianist then knocks out a tune even better than the first, and the owner's jaw drops open. Again he asks what the name of the song is.

"Grandma fingers her pussy violently" replies the pianist.


"I've heard enough" says the club owner. "I will hire you under the condition that you NEVER tell my customers the names of your songs. Just shut up and play."


The pianist agrees, and starts his first shift. The audience are giving him standing ovations, men are breaking down in tears. It's going great!


During his break, the pianist goes for a piss and forgets to zip his pants up. On the way out of the bathroom, a customer notices this and stops him.

"Excuse me, do you know your pants are hanging open and I can see your dick?" asks the customer.

The pianist replies "Know it?! I wrote it!"

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A pianist is currently on trial.

He was accused of fingering A Minor.

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How did the Pianist play without fingers?

Not very well at all...

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tiny pianist

An oldie, but goodie:

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want."

The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head.

The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!"

And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

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Why did the pianist go to jail?

For fingering A minor.

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A man walks into a bar...(note: better told than read)

A man (Bill) walks into a bar, and takes a ten-inch pianist out of his pocket, and puts it on the bar. The Pianist then starts to play Mozart's 7th perfectly. Another man (Jim) walks up to Bill and says, "Wow, that's amazing! where'd you get him?" Bill says, "There's this genie down the street that will grant you one wish, but just a warning, he's a little hard of hearing". Jim then goes to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." suddenly a million ducks fall from the sky. Jim says to the genie, "I wished for a million BUCKS, not ducks!" The genie just shrugs, and walks back into his house. Jim then goes back to the bar, and says to Bill, "I wished for a million bucks, but all I got was a million ducks!" Bill says, "Well ya. Do you really think I wished for a ten-inch pianist."

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The monkey's balls.

A man stops in a little town after a long drive, looking for a place to have a big cold glass of beer. He goes onto the local bar, which is completely empty, except for a blind pianist, who is playing some ragtime tunes. he sits down at the bar, and from the back a bartender appears.

"What do you want?" the bartender asks rather hostile.

"I'd like a big, cold glass of beer please".

Without another word, the bartender pours him a large beer, slams it on the bar and returns to the back. All the while the blind piano player is still playing on this old worn down honky-tonk piano.

Then, as the man picks up his glass to have a drink, from behind the bar comes a little monkey, that jumps onto the bar, gets on the edge of the glass and starts washing its balls in the beer.

This goes on for about 5 seconds. The monkey jumps off the glass and disappears behind the bar again.

The guy can hardly believe what just happened and looks around if anybody else saw this, but it's only him and the blind piano player.

So he walks over to the piano, and says to the guy:

"Do you know there was a monkey on my glass washing his balls in my beer?."

The pianist stops playing, pauses for a moment and says:

"The lyrics sound familiar, but i can't remember the melody."

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It's a well know fact that Elton John is an excellent pianist.

But did you know he sucks on the organ?

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What should pianists take with them to the supermarket?

A Chopin Liszt.

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How do pianists remember which groceries to buy?

They use a Chopin Liszt!

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A drunk walks into a bar...

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!", to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg" So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him"? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit." The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

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The out of work Piano Player.

There's a piano player who's out of work, so he goes to a classy lounge to find a gig. He locates the manager, tells him his circumstance and the manager agrees to hear him play. The pianist sits down at the piano and begins to produce the most wonderful music the manager has ever heard. It fills him with emotion and even brings a tear to his eye. When the last note has ceased, the manager tells the pianist that they were the most amazing songs he had ever heard and asks him their names.

"The first one was called 'Your daughter has a hairy pussy', and the second was 'Motherfuckers can suck my ass'."

The manager is understandably taken aback by these crass names and negotiates that the man can play in his club under the condition that he not reveal the names of his compositions. The musician agrees without complaint.

Later, after playing amazing music all night, (and enjoying drinks on the house) the musician goes to the bathroom to relieve himself. As he leaves the bathroom, he forget to 'tuck himself back in'. A slightly inebriated patron of the lounge taps him on the shoulder and says,

"Hey buddy, do you know your fly is open and your cock is hanging out?"

"Know it!?", replies the Pianist,

"I fucking wrote it!!"

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Why is someone who plays the piano called a pianist...

... but a person who drives race cars not called a racist?

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"

The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish.

The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."

The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."

The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happened, and his friend replied, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

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The homeless pianoman

On a thursday afternoon, a homeless man walks down a street and sees a "pianist wanted" sign in the window of a bar. The man goes into the bar, sits at the piano and begins to play. The owner of the bar hears the man play and is completely blown away.

"That song is amazing, what do you call it?" the owner asks.

"Tits and ass," the homeless man says and starts to play another song. The owner, again amazed, asks the name of the new song.

"Fucking her slowly," the man answers.

"Alright," the owner says. "How about you come back tomorrow night and play here and I'll pay you, but whatever you do, do not say the names of your songs."

The next night, the homeless man is at the bar playing his first song and all the patrons love it. At the end of the song, the man stands up to take a bow and his dick is hanging out of his pants.

"Hey," says a parton. "Do you know your dick is hanging out?"

"Know it?" The homeless man exclaims. "I wrote it!"

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My friend invited me to a piano concert the other night. The concert was going well till...

Ladies and gentleman, for my next piece, I am going to be playing the piano in a way no other pianists have ever attempted to do so, which is...

The pianist then proceeded to lie down on the ground facing up, arms extending to the reach the keys of the grand piano. Thereafter, continuing with his piece.

Sounds a bit odd, ain't it? I whispered to my friend, to which he replied...

Well, if you haven't noticed, he's actually flat.

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Why do cops make terrible pianist?

They only hit the black keys.

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3 surgeons discuss who is the best surgeon of them.

Says the one: "I am the best surgeon of Texas! A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them on and tomorrow he gives a private concert for the queen."

Says the second: "This is nothing! A young man lost both his arms and his legs in an accident. I stitched them back on and two years later he won the gold medal in the olympic games!"

Says the 3rd: "Amateurs! A few years ago a cowboy rode stoned and drunk in front of a train. All that remained were his buttcheeks and the blonde mane of his horse. I did the surgery on him and today he is the president of the United States."

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A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. When its served a monkey runs up to the drink

and lowers his balls into the martini. Shocked, the man yells at the bartender, "Did you see that? What are you gonna do about that?" The bartender says, "I can't do anything, the monkey belongs to the pianist." The man storms over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini?"

The pianist thinks for a second then says, "No, but if you hum a few bars I'm sure I can pick it up"

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12 inch Pianist

One day, a man walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot tall man playing the piano. He asks the bartender how he got the 12 inch pianist. The bartender says, "Oh yeah, there is a genie out back behind the bar!" so the man walks out behind the bar and asks the genie for 1,000,000 bucks. Sure enough, the genie poofed up a million ducks. So the man goes back inside the bar, and he says to the bartender, " I asked for a million bucks, but it gave me a million ducks!" Then the bartender says smugly, "You really think I would ask for a twelve inch pianist?"

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A Man Walks into a Bar...

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happened, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

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The perverted pianist

A classy bar is holding auditions for musical numbers, when a somewhat disheveled man comes in and starts playing a beautiful number on the grand piano. The manager adores his performance, "Is that an original number? What is the name of that lovely piece?"


"Yeah, I wrote it," the man replies as he slicks his hair."It's called 'I fucked my cousin with a corkscrew'."

"What!? can you play something else for us?"

"Sure, how's about 'Daddy diddle me with a dildo'?" The man starts playing.

The manager so visibly flustered can't begin to speak, but soon the wonderful music wins him over. He hires the pianist but only under the condition that he never announces the names of his songs.

One night when the man returns from his break, a young lady in a table near the piano says to him, "Um sir, do you know, your dick is out dribbling piss everywhere?"

"*Know it?*" The man smiles, "**I wrote it!**"

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A concert promoter was fired for claiming he had the worlds largest piano player booked when he was only 5' 8"...

Just another case of a man lying about the size of his pianist.

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The Pianist

A man walks into a bar and bets the barkeeper that if he can show him something he's never seen before,he gets a free drink. The bartender agrees. The man pulls a tiny man,about a foot high,and a model piano from his pocket and the tiny man plays one of Beethoven's Symphonies perfectly. The bartender gives the man his free drink,and asks where he got the little guy. The man reveals he has a genie who gives him unlimited wishes,and says the bartender can have a wish. The bartender makes his wish,and a countless amount of ducks fill the bar. "What the hell? Your genie's nearly deaf! I wished for a million bucks,not a million ducks!" the bartender yells. The man replies:"You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

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A priest....

A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?"

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What are the most funny Pianist jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Pianist? Well, here are the best Pianist dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Pianist pick up lines to share with friends.

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