Physically Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

Ad in the Newspaper

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the newspaper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

The man said 'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?' And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

I just watched a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered and his son is left physically disabled...

...Then in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Finding Nemo is a real thriller!

Movies

Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Friend 2 : Uhhh....what was it called?

Friend 1: Finding Nemo

I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

A forbidden love

"I'm in love with one of my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep."

"Hmmmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GAY?"

Little girl logic

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith.

I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.

An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.

Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.

Zis is a bit tepid, he complains.

Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?

Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.

Two guys and a girl are stranded on a desert island

All hope is lost and they decide if they're going to die, at least they're going out with a bang. With nothing else to keep them occupied, all they do is have sex. Nonstop mind blowing sex. They're trying everything in the book, every position, physically enjoying each other as much as possible.

After two weeks, the girl approaches the two guys. "I'm sorry, I can't take it any more. I can't live like this." and she kills herself.

After two more weeks, one of the guys speaks up. "I'm sorry, I can't take it any more. I can't like like this."

The other guy looks at him and solemnly agrees. "You know what, you're right. We'll bury her tonight."

A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

Some facts about Hitler

He was shorter than most people would think, standing at 5'8". He was obsessed with self-image, and believed that pants that accentuated the glutes were physically imposing. His boots were hand-made by a friend of the family. An avid golfer, he never cleaned his 4 wood, considering the dirt on it to be lucky. The doors in his house would often need fixing, which he did himself. He was the captain of the rowing crew in college.

To sum it all up:

Shorty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)

Boots for the Fuhrer. (For the Fuhrer)

The four club was full of that dirt

He fixed the doors. (He fixed the doors)

Last thing you know,

Shorty went "Row, row, row, row, row, row, row, row."

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

For my next Halloween costume I'll need to physically disappear out of existence...

I'll be the wage gap.

Independent Opinion

A man and a women are sitting in a cafe chatting.

The man leans over and quietly asks the woman, "What do you think of that girl sitting just behind you? Do you think she is attractive?"

The woman slowly turns, examines the girl, and responds, "I really don't think so. She is physically fit, but she is not beautiful."

The man says, "Well...I, for one, think she is beautiful."

To which the woman responds, "Well maybe we should ask an apiarist, you know, a bee keeper."

The man asks, "Why on earth would we ask a bee keeper?"

The woman, matter of factly states, "Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."

It's often when you misjudge the situation and people's feelings and make an inappropriate joke.

I remember one winter my wife slipped on the ice outside and fell over. She came into the house with her mother and she was sat on the couch crying, more through embarrassment than the fact she was hurt (she was fine physically).

After a short time, she stopped crying and my mother-in-law said, "Is everything okay now?"

In an attempt to lighten the mood I jokingly said, "Well, has anyone checked the pavement's okay?"

There was a stony silence as tumbleweed drifted across ...

When it comes to physically abusive relationships...

They are hit or miss

What's the difference between a pot head and a person who physically abuses children?

One is good at rolling blunts, the other is good at bowling runts.

I just watch a movie...

...where a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnappers for thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman. MAN FINDING NEMO IS A GREAT MOVIE!

Apparently, lesbian relationships are twice as likely to be physically violent than heterosexual relationships

That's because there's twice as many instigators

We have made great strides....

in improving the quality of life for the physically handicapped.

what is the hardest part about having a daughter in your early 20's?

Fighting all of those physically fit teenagers when you're in your late 30's.

You know, after all these years, I hardly remember the first girlfriend I had.

I remember she was Muslim, but physically, all I can recall are the beautiful hazel eyes Jihad.

PQ syndrome

When you point your weener in one direction, pee comes out the opposite.

Physically may be impossible, but scientists have concurred that alphabetically very much possible.

What do you call a person who gets physically ill from not scoring a single point in a tennis match?

Lovesick.

What are the funniest physically jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Physically? Well, here are the best Physically puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Physically pick up lines to share with friends.

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