Phys Jokes

What are some Phys jokes?

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he threw me off the roof.

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

My physics teacher said i have potential

and then pushed me down the stairs

I just had a physical. The doctor said: Don't eat anything fatty.

I said, Like bacon and burgers?

He said, No fatty, don't eat anything!

A physicist sees a person on the top of a very tall building.

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

What did the physicist say to the man about to jump off a building?

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Physics Joke

A photon walks into a hotel and the bellman says "can I help you with your bags?" And the photon replies, "no it's ok, I'm traveling light."

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"

A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:

DONT JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL

What did the physicist say to the suicidal guy on the bridge?

Don't do it! You have potential!

A physicist sees a man about to jump from a building

'Don't do it! ' he shouts 'You have so much potential! '

What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof?

Don't do that, you have so much potential!

A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang...

....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

A physicist sees a man about to jump off from the top of Sears Tower...

He yells to him "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.

Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?

Tour guide: No, I don't know.

Physicist: Mass over volume.

I'll see myself out.

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge

When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

A physicist saw a man standing on a ledge

The physicist yelled out "Don't jump, you have so much potential!"

A physicist goes outside and sees a man standing on the edge of a roof

The physicist shouts Don't jump, you have so much potential!

Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

Because he was a mass murderer

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist go to the beach...

The physicist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the fluid dynamics." The physicist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Then the biologist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the local marine life." The biologist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Lastly, the chemist looks out over the ocean and says "I have come to a conclusion, physicists and biologists are soluble in water!"

A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump

I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

Physics joke

A man is interested in placing a bet on a horse race; only he's a smart, educated guy and doesn't want to blow his money on the wrong horse. He decides to consult a vet, a statistician an a physicist.

He goes to the vet. The vet examines the horses for a few minutes, then points to a horse and says: "this is the healthiest, strongest, horse. He'll probably win".

He then goes to the statistician. The statistician takes a couple of hours to analyze all the previous races of all contending horses. He takes into account the horse's nutrition, the weather, the day of the week, the number of spectators and many other factors. In the end, he points to a horse and says that, based on past performance, it has the highest probability of winning the race.

Finally, the man goes to a physicist. The physicist thinks for a few minutes and tells him he needs a few days to think it over. A day passes, then two days, then three. It's finally a day before the race and the bets have to be placed. But still there's no word from the physicist. The man decides he has to get an answer so he angrily calls the physicist himself. His reply? "listen, the problem you've given me was harder than I anticipated. By now, I only managed to solve it for a spherical horse in vacuum".

Why was the physics teacher and the biology teacher always fighting?

They didn't have any chemistry.

I went to get my physical today and, of course, the doctor was a beautiful woman...

She said, "Well, you will have to stop masturbating."

I said, "Wait, but why?"

"So I can start the examination," she said.

A physicist walks into a bar

and he orders a beer and turns to the stool next to him and offers it a beer. He finishes his drink and then leaves. The next day he returns to the bar, orders a beer, and offers a beer to the stool next to him before finishing his drink and leaving. This continues on for a week before the bartender finally asks, " Why in the world do you keep offering that stool a beer?" The physicist replies " The laws of physics dictate that there is a slight possibility that at some point the matter above this stool could reform into a beautiful woman, who would then accept the drink." The bartender is puzzled for a second before replying " The bar is full of beautiful women. Why not see if they will accept your drink?" The physicist quickly laughs before saying " Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"

My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he threw me off the roof.

A joke my mate told me after an after-hours lesson.

My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet

After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!

I got a B+

Why did the physics teacher breakup with the biology teacher ?

There was no chemistry

Why do physicists love going to church

It's the center of mass

Physics Joke

I tried having a threeway with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three body problem

A physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and a statistician were all staying at the same hotel.

One night, the physicist wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire. He quickly grabs a bucket of water and puts the fire out.

The engineer is also sleeping and wakes up to see that his trash can is on fire as well. He pulls out his calculator and calculates the exact amount of water necessary to put the fire out. He then proceeds to actually put the fire out.

The mathematician likewise wakes up to see his trash can on fire. He pulls out his calculator and calculates that water can be used to put fires out. He then returns to his bed.

The statistician continues setting trash cans on fire to get a larger sample size.

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

A physicist walks into a bar...

and orders two drinks, having one for himself and leaving the other one untouched at the stool beside him. The next day, the bartender notices that he does it again, and the day after, he does it a third time. When he does it a fourth time, the bartender finally asks him "why do you keep ordering two drinks but only having one?". In response, the physicist says "according to the laws of physics, there is a statistical chance that billions of atoms could align perfectly and form a beautiful woman sitting on the stool". The bartender then asks "why don't you just ask a woman to have a drink with you and see if she says yes?", to which the physicist replies "well what's the chance that that's actually going to happen?"

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the politician spoke up. "Yes," he said,
"But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician are walking down a hallway...

when they notice with alarm that a fire has broken out in a nearby lab.

The physicist immediately shouts "I know what to do! We must cool down the mateΒ­riΒ­als until their temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture is lower than the igniΒ­tion temΒ­perΒ­aΒ­ture and then the fire will go out."

The chemist then cries "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supΒ­ply of oxyΒ­gen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

The statistician looks around, thinks for a minute, then sets the rest of the building on fire.

The physicist and the chemist look on in horror and yell, "what are you doing?!"

The statistician replies "getting a bigger sample size".

My physics teacher said I have potential...

He threw me off a building to prove it.

So, a physicist finds themselves conversing with their god

"God, " they inquired, "how does time work for you?"

God replies, "Everything is a part of me. To compare, 1 of your minutes is but a billionth of 1 of my own."

The physicist thinks for a bit and then queries further, "God, do you use such a scale for everything?"

God nods, "Yes, as all things are part of me."

At this the physicist grins, "If that's the case, could you spare a dollar?"

God grins back, "I'd be happy to, but you'll need to wait a minute."

Physics Teacher's Story

Speed and Velocity are brothers.

Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.

Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.

Speed lacks Direction.

Physics Joke

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are all hanging out and bored so they decide to play hide and go seek. Einstein decides to count first, and as they are counting Pascal leaves to hide in a bush. Newton on the other hand draws a box under himself and just stands there. When Einstein is done counting he walks up to Newton and is like,"Newton, you're not even hiding". Newton then says,"Ah, but you found Newtons over meters squared! You found a Pascal!!".

Where do physicists attend church?

At the center of mass.

A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician

are having one of their daily meetings for a project when the waste basket catches on fire. The physicist gets up, gets a bucket from the closet, goes out to fill it with water, and puts out the fire. The meeting is concluded without further incident.

During the next day's meeting, the waste basket catches on fire again. The chemist gets up, gets the bucket from where the physicist left it, goes out to fill it with sand, and puts out the fire. The meeting goes on as normal.

The following day, the waste basket catches on fire again. The mathematician gets up, gets the bucket from where the chemist left it, puts it in the closet, and returns to his seat, thus reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.

A physicist is sitting in a bar looking glum...

...so the bartender asks him "Hey man, what's the matter?"

The physicist replies, "Everything."

What was the name of the physician who could smell the future?

Nostrildamus

I made it myself and was proud enough to post it! :)

Why wasn't the physicist angry after he got hit by a car?

Because he knew that he hit the car as hard as it hit him.

A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting...

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer continues grazing.

"You idiot," the engineer says, "you didn't account for gravity or drag!" -- so he pulls out his notebook, does some quick calculations, and fires using his recalibrated aim. BANG! But the shot falls 10 feet short.

Suddenly, the statistician shouts: "We got him!"

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist get coffee at a street cafΓ©.

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are sitting in a street cafΓ© watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house.

The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

The computer scientist says, "They must have used a backdoor."

A physicist, a biologist, a programmer, and a mathematician ....

are sitting at a cafΓ© across from an empty building.

They observe two people enter and then, later, three leave.

The physicist says, "Apparently there was some error with our measurements."

The biologist says, "Obviously, they reproduced while in the building."

The mathematician opines, "If now one more were to enter the building, it would again be empty."

And then the programmer replies "they must've used a backdoor".

Why was a physicist unable to do the double slit experiment?

His wife didn't want a threesome.

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer...

...were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. When he's done, he says "I define myself to be the outsideο»Ώ.

I went to get a physical and the doctor told me I need to stop masturbating...

I said, "why?"

He said, "Because I am giving you a physical!"

My physics teacher said I had potential.

This was right before he pushed me off the roof.

A Physics student is standing on the roof of a building preparing to leap to his death....

His professor calls out to him, "Stop! You have so much potential!"

Welcome to the physchiatric hotline

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are maniac depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you are a depressive, don't press anything. Just sit there and cry.

So one physicist asks another physicist

So what's new? The physicists responds, C over Lambda.

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a street cafe watching a house across the street.

They notice two people entering the house and, after a while, three people leaving the house.

"The measurement wasn't accurate!", says the physicist.

"They must have reproduced!", says the biologist.

The mathematician says, "Should one more person enter the house, then it will be empty."

How many physicians do you need to interrupt the space time continuum?

It takes a paradox.

I took an AP Physics test today and finished early, so I wrote this joke in the test booklet out of boredom

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving along when they get pulled over.

The police officer asks them if they know how fast they were going.

Heisenberg says, "I'm uncertain."

The officer then asks for them to open the trunk, and they oblige.

"Did you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?" the officer asks incredulously.

"I do now!" Schrodinger replies.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician goes hunting.

The physicist sees a deer and calculates a trajectory in a vacuum and pulls the trigger.
The bullet falls short.
The engineer, seeing this, adds in some fudge and calculates high, overshooting the deer by a similar amount.
The statistician exclaims, "We got it!"

Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert

Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert and that occasional situations would arise where somebody would come fetch me for consultation. I would burst into the room wearing a terry aerobics headband and exclaim, "did somebody say let's get physics Al?

What did the physicists say when he accidentally broke his resistor?

Ξ© my ghosh

Physics saves lives

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel...

A physicist, engineer, and a mathematician are in a hotel in 3 separate rooms. All 3 of their waste paper baskets catch on fire and wake them up from their humble slumber.
The physicist sees the fire and thinks quickly! He calculates the amount of water needed to put out the fire, and douses it with water. The fire goes out and he goes back to bed.
The engineer sees the fire and thinks quickly! He draws, designs, and constructs a larger bucket to suffocate the fire. The fire goes out and he goes back to bed.
The mathematician sees the fire and thinks quickly! He gets out a pad of paper and a pen and starts calculating. After a few minutes he yells "ahah! This problem has a solution!" And goes back to bed.

A Physicist Gets Into A Car Accident

A surfer dude approaches the shattered driver's-side window and asks, "Are you hurt, man? The driver replies, "No, I'm Feynman".

I got a G in Physics and my parents grounded me.

They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation!

My physicist gf told me she loves me to the moon and back ....

I don't know if she was referring to the Distance or Displacement.

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are drinking coffee...

Over the course of the day they see two people enter a building across the street and three people exit. They all seem perplexed about this occurrence. The physicist says, "There must have been some error in our measurements!" The biologist replies, "The two must have reproduced!" The mathematician claims, "If one person goes inside then the building will be empty!" The computer scientist concludes, "Someone must have used a back door."

How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: Ο€/3

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need only paper and pens."

Why couldn't the physicist get his paper published?

It was a work of friction.

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench across from a house

They watch as two people walk in, and a while later three people walk out.

"The initial measurement was incorrect," says the physicist.

"They must have reproduced," says the biologist.

"If exactly one person goes in, the house will be empty," says the mathematician.

What does a physics cow say?

Μμ

Im no physicist..

but I know what matters

Physicist Frank Wilczek states that there is life on other planets...

Profesor Stephen Hawking maintains his position.

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 99.9% confident."
He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?"
The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"
They hire the accountant.

A physics professor and his assistant...

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"

My Physics teacher said I have no Potential

Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.

A Physicist and an Engineer take turns shooting at a deer.

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes a turn to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer's pad and a book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he's ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician leaps in the air shouting, "We got it!"

The Physical act of love

[When the couple were about to make love]

girl : i want you to hurt me.

boy : your sister's more successful than you.

girl : wait,

boy : not a big fan of the new haircut.

girl : stop please stop, it really hurts.

A physicist sees a man standing on the edge of a building

He yells to him "Don't do it, you have so much potential"

How to make Phys puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Phys to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Phys? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Phys pick up lines to share with friends.

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