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Phone Pay Jokes

34 phone pay jokes and hilarious phone pay puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about phone pay that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Phone Pay Short Jokes

Short phone pay jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The phone pay humour may include short phone call jokes also.

  1. I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies? I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.
  2. iPhone's from the future. 2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack
    2017: iPhone 8=no battery
    2018: iPhone 9=no screen
    2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000
  3. My crush gave me her phone number!! I didn't know she works at the rejection Hotline, hope they pay her well :)
  4. The sign said, "Pay with your phone." Sorry Wendy's, but I think my iPhone7 is worth a little more than your triple baconator.
  5. Told my boss I wanted a pay raise, 3 other companies are after me! He said "Oh yeah, which ones?"
    I told him "the gas and electric company, the phone company and the credit card company"
  6. I was woken up by a phone call telling me I've committed tax fraud They must have had the wrong number cause I don't pay taxes
  7. Why is being an orphan like not being able to pay your phone bill? Because you ain't got no data
  8. The phone rang, and the kidnapper says I have your wife. Now, pay be $1 million or I'll give her back to you.
  9. GF: You're always on your phone, why do you not pay attention to me anymore! BF: Maybe because my phone is smart and it actually reacts when I finger it.
  10. The phone company has been calling me everday threatening to to disconnect me if I don't pay my bill. I'm glad they finally stopped calling.

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Phone Pay One Liners

Which phone pay one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with phone pay? I can suggest the ones about charging phone and phone.

  1. I cut my phone bill in half! It only took a moment and I wasn't going to pay it anyway.
  2. Roaming charges are sexist You have to pay more to use your phone if you're a broad.

Phone Pay Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about phone pay you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean phone dying jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make phone pay pranks.

I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.

I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.
First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for h**.... We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"

"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.

"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

Married man goes out w**.... Time gets away from him and at 2 am, he realizes his wife will be angry, so

he calls her on the phone and when she answers he yells: Darling, don't pay the ransom, I got away!

A man purchases some livestock....

but has no way to get it home. He walks to the only pay phone for miles which has a rate that charges the user $5 per word spoken and recieved. Not one to waste money, he places a call to his wife and says "Com-for-ta-ble"

I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, what's in the news tonight?

Me: Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.
Dude: sounds like some libtard b**....
Me: Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibly infect hundreds of Americans with deadly disease.
Dude: I tell ya. It's always some freaking immigrants... m' rite?
Me: I hear you dude. Who knew Donald Trump returning to the White House from Walter Reed Medical Center can cause so much controversy?

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.

I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?," asked Hillary .

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."

"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

The p**... and the gorilla

A p**... is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the p**...'s skirt and starts performing o**... s**... on her.
The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The p**... says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"
The gorilla just stands there looking confused.
She pulls out her phone and Googles "p**..." and shows him.
>a person, typically a woman, who engages in s**... activity for payment.
He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.
>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.

The phone rings...

...and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello."
"May I speak with Mrs. Smith please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Kent at Metro Labs.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, we also received a biopsy from another Mr. Smith as well.
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for h**.... We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.
"Normally we can, but your insurance will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The insurance company recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!"

Mother and Father

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

A man offers a woman 100 dollars for s**....

He tells her "Excuse me miss, I will pay you 100 dollars if you have s**... with me."
The woman quickly responds saying "I won't have s**... with you for so little money. My boyfriend would be furious!"
The man then changes his offer "Okay how about this? I will drop the 100 dollars onto the floor. I can do whatever I want with you until you pick up 100 dollars. That seem fair?"
The girl says "Let me call my boyfriend and see what he thinks." The girl calls her boyfriend and tells her the deal he says "Yeah just pick it up, he won't even be able to get your pants off. Call me once you have it." The girl friend hangs up and agrees to the mans offer.
The boyfriend waits patiently at his phone for 15 minutes, then 30, then 40 and his girlfriend hasn't called him back. He calls his girlfriend and hears heavy breathing and yells "Why haven't you picked up the money yet?!"
The girlfriend exclaims "He had it in quarters!"

Family xmas problem solved

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a train.

The lawyer, assuming he could make some easy money, wanted to play a game with the blonde; he would ask her a question, and if she could not answer, she would pay him $5. Then she would ask him a question, and if he could not answer, he would pay her $5.
The blonde had no interest in playing with the the lawyer, so he offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5. But every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
The blonde thought about it for about a minute, and decided she did not know the answer. So she gave him his $5.
She then asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Father Knows Best!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account...
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"You a gonna try again!"