You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...
It's still fowl language
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
It's still fowl language.
I said, It's for sound effects during sex.
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.
Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?
Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
All of a sudden he jumps up and yells: "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"
She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
They both change your ring tone
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
It's called 'Facebook'
"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!
Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
good thing it was in airplane mode.
And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"
After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"
A dramatic silence prevails
After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting "shit I forgot about the time difference".
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
like my name, phone number, address, etc.
Things like, my job, my phone number and my address
The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."
The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"
"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.
"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."
Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Phone? Well, here are the best Phone dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Phone pick up lines to share with friends.