Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Phone puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
I said, It's for sound effects during sex.
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street
She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
It's called 'Facebook'
It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!
Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
I have hearing aids
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
good thing it was in airplane mode.
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
like my name, phone number, address, etc.
Things like, my job, my phone number and my address
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.
"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."
Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"
She had just grunted down the phone.
I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins
I now have hearing aids
If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.
...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?
She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
....while using my phone's flashlight
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
My name, my address and my phone number
My phone has not shut up for the past three days.
and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."
...they'd even know my birth year!
I ended up with hearing aids
...a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."
You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.
because it was easier than making phone calls?
A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.
Told him to just hit redial.
I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."
But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
I said, "I'm not coming in today. I've got chickenpox."
He said, "Don't give me that!"
I said, "I won't. I'm not coming in."
She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.
Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.
She sends me things like what are your plans for dinner and Your dad and I are going out for dinner there's food in the fridge
Because he was too busy looking at his phone to notice it
Every table was occupied with couples,
there was no seat vacant.
I took out my phone and said loudly
"Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."
9 girls left their seats for me.
A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.