The Best 65 Phone Home Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Phone Home jokes. There are some phone home house jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these phone home home work puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Phone Home Jokes and Puns

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home.

" I went over. Nobody was home.

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

The Heart Attack

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

jokes about phone home


My son got sent home from school today for chewing gum in class.

I had to phone the teacher and explain to her that he's only trying to give up smoking.


The Argument

A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.

"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."

Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"

"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."

The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"

Wrong way

Anna was worried about her husband: he was not home yet from his trip to Birmingham. She phoned him on his mobile, "Where are you, dear?"

"I'm on the M1," he replied.

"I was so worried about you," she said. "The radio reported that some fool was driving along the M1 the wrong way."

"Just one??" he retorted, "There are hundreds of them!!"

Phone Home joke, Wrong way

Jim and his sex life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.

You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his sex life has suffered because of it.

Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.

Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"

His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"

So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.

On the 30th day his doctor phones.

Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"

Jim: "Yeah I did doc."

Doc: "Well how's your sex life? Did it improve?"

Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"

Told to me by my grandmother

Dearest John

John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah, of course! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport.

Fish out of water.

I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.

I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".

She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."

So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"

She replied, "No, he's dead."

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast...

"Yeah?, well you aren't so good in bed either!" The doctor shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and call home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" He said
"I was in bed." came the reply.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

You can explore phone home telephone reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean phone home operator dad jokes. There are also phone home puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.

They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.

All I did was go into my local bookies and put a Β£5 bet on Manchester United to win.

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence...

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

Phone Home joke, Men's Help Line

A joke told to me by an old lady on the phone while i was at work.

What are the three words you don't want to hear while having sex? "Honey I'm home."

A guy gets a phone call

from a girls he likes. She says "Come over, nobody's home!"

So he goes over, and nobody's home.

The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss ....

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone

Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
πŸ˜‚πŸ˜†


Dad joke about phones....

A phone call comes through to a families home and the son looks at it and yells "Dad should I take this"

The dad yells back "who is it calling?"

Son: "It says private caller"

Dad: "Don't answer!! We only take calls from lieutenant callers or higher!!"

I used to be a telemarketer

I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.

"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.

I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:

"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."

What did the Apple Phone designer do when he got home?

Jack off

A woman was having sex with her husband's best friend when the telephone rang

And her husband's cell phone number appeared on the caller ID.

As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry

"Relax," she said after she hung up the phone.

he was just calling to tell me that he'll be home late because he's out bowling with you.

Next time somebody calls your home phone...

Say "Can I call you back? I'm driving."

"What time does the library open?" The man on the phone asks.

"Nine AM," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine AM?" The man said in a disappointed voice.

"No not till nine!" The librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine?"

"Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out."

I phoned the wife last night and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!

Phone Home joke, I phoned the wife last night and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on."

After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

Fish and chips

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I was working in a phone store when I got a message from my girlfriend...

"Spacebarbrokenonphonecomehomeandgivemeanalternative."
As I hurried home I couldn't help but wonder, what does ternative mean?


My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

*On phone* Wife: Fancy coming home for a quickie?

Husband: It's pronounced "quiche"

I was staying at a fancy hotel....

...and it said in the Guest Services, "Dial *75 for Turn-Down Service". So, I dialed *75.

A woman answered the phone saying, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"

It's nice that while I'm traveling, I can still get some things that remind me of home.

What did ET's mom say when he phoned home?

Where on Earth have you been?

I phoned my wife...

...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"

She had just grunted down the phone.

I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins


Betty was away from home on a business trip, and on a break between meetings decided to call home collect...

...as her husband was outside changing the oil on his car, her 6 year old son Bobby picked up the phone.

Putting his ear to the receiver, he heard a man say: *"We have a Betty on the line, will you except the charges?"*

Terrified, Bobby ran outside screaming:

"DAD!!! THEY'VE GOT MOM!!! AND THEY WANT MONEY!!!"

The Librarian

What time does the library open? the man on the phone asked.

Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.

9 am, came the reply. And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?

Not until 9 am? the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry.

No, not until 9 am, said the librarian. Why do you want to get in before 9 am?

Who said I wanted to get in? the man sighed sadly. I want to get o

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."

The man on the phone exclaimed "40 gallons pasturized!?"

She said "heavens no... Just past my waist."

A man is on his way back from IKEA, his wife phones him and says are you bringing some dinner back?

He replies Yes love, I've picked up a Swedish meatball selection, and ITS COMING HOME!

A couple, to have sex, made a code as "Phone call" so that the kids will not know.

A couple, to have sex, made a code as "Phone call" so that the kids will not know.

One day husband to son: Tell your mom that dad wants to make a phone call.

Mom: Tell your dad the network is down.

Dad: If the network is down, then I will go to a PCO.

Mom: Tell dad that if he dares to go to a PCO, I will open a call centre at home!

 

(please do not kill me)

Is your mother home?

**Voice over Phone:** Is your mother home?

**Blonde:** Yes, she is.

**Voice:** Will you call her to the phone, please?

**Blonde:** Okay, but I'll have to go down the street to get her.

**Voice:** I thought you said she was home!

**Blonde:** She is. This is my friend's house. I live down the street!

Why is the I phone x the first phone an orphan gets?

Because there is no home button

Two girls are sitting in a bar

The one girl says: "Take my phone, can you please call my mother that I'll be home soon? I really need to use the bathroom now."

The other girl answers: "Sure, what is your password?"

"Snow White and all the seven dwarfs." the one girl replies.

The other girl frowns and asks: "Seriously? Why is that your password?"

"Well, I like fairytales", the one girl says. "and it had to be at least 8 characters."

Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

A Mexican man is in line at the immigration office...

and the judge is tired from a long day. Flustered, the judge yells out, "If you can put these three words into an english sentence you're a citizen and we can all go home: 'pink', 'green', and 'yellow'!"

The man thinks for a second and responds, "I think I have it, SeΓ±or. The phone goes 'green', I 'pink' it up, and say, 'yellow'"!

I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up fish and chips on the way home, and she slammed the phone down on me.

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

The sooner Pubs are open the better.

This drinking at home is getting out of hand.


Last night I nearly asked my wife for her phone number..

Boys will be Boys

I reached home late and dad asked me: "Where were you?"
Me:"Was in friend's house."
In front of me, dad called 10 of my friends.
4 of them said: "Yes, uncle he was here".
2 said: " he just left, uncle".
3 of them said: "he is here only uncle, studying. Shall I give him the phone?"
1 of them went an extra mile to say(in my voice)"Yes, dad tell me what happened?"!!!
Friends forever

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.

"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.

"Yes."

"May I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well can I speak to your mom?"

"No, she's with the policeman."

Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"

"No. He's busy talking to the man in the helicopter that's bringing in the search team."

"My Lord!" says the boss, now really worried. "What are they searching for?"

"Me." the kid chortles.

On my way to work this morning a bird decided to make its home on top of my head. I went to call someone for help but my phone had run out of power

I'm now under a nest without charge

My wife went to work and left her phone at home.

I found it on the kitchen table.

I tried to call and tell her, but she didn't answer.

What's worse is someone kept calling.

Wait 'til I find out who Honey is.

3 Docs needed…

A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We have already opened an 18 year old RARE SINGLE MALT GLENFIDDICH WHISKEY..

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was moving out, his wife asked, "Is it serious..?"

"Oh yes, quite", said the doctor gravely. Shaking his head, he muttered "Only18 years old. 3 doctors are there already..!"

A blonde visits her brunette friend at her home and finds out that she's sick.

The brunette asks "Could you please call the doctor? I'm too sick to go on the phone."

She does so, and calls a doctor. When the doctor comes and visits, the brunette finds out he is a veterinarian.

Confused, the brunette asks, "Why did you call a veterinarian to come see me?"

And the blonde says, "Well I didn't think his religion would make a difference."

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: Can I talk to my wife, please?

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I'll stay on the line

Very well, sir , the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a moment later, the butler returns to the phone.

I shot them both, sir. What should I do with the bodies?

I don't care, throw them in the pool

We don't have a pool, sir

Ah, sorry, wrong number

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch

Driving home, a man sees a car stuck in a ditch.
As he approaches a beautiful brunette steps out.

Man: "Wow! Your the second pregnant woman I've pulled out of this ditch today!"

Woman: "I'm not pregnant!"

Man: "Well you're not out of the ditch yet either!"


Source: overheard on my wife's phone while she was browsing some app and it made me chuckle

I intentionally left my cell phone at home when I went to visit the Vatican for the first time

But somehow I still incurred massive Roman charges.

I got an all out groan on this one

My son turned 18 and moved out. We turned his room into a home school classroom for my daughters. My wife moved her printer in there and needed to print something a little while later.
Wife- "my phone can't find the printer"
Me- "did you tell it that it moved"

A Second Opinion

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. You aren't so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. What took you so long to answer?
I was in bed. What were you doing in bed this late? Getting a second opinion.

I almost didn't post this joke, but I decided you deserve it.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, You aren't that good in bed either!

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?

I was in bed.

What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?

Getting a second opinion

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "Β£100 and it's yours."

I met a girl in the pub

We talked, we laughed, we drank.

We got each other's phone number. We left the pub, said bye to each other. It was late at night, so I told her to call me when she got home.

It's been a week now, I never got a call from her...

She must be a homeless

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the phone home funeral home jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working phone home home school piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes