Philosophy Jokes

I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.

Philosophy Major: True story

With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.

Dean, to the physics department:

"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

Philosophy

When anyone asks if I'm a philosophical, I responded, "That's a very philosophical question." Then I way away.

For all of those Philosophy Majors out there

Philosophy Joke:
If an argument concludes a tree fall without human interaction in a forest for a stump to be made, and there are no lumberjack's in the forest to hear it, does it make it sound?

So I tried to apply for a job at the Department of Redundancy Department...

I got denied because they said all applicants needed to have a PhD in Philosophy.

Why is a university Philosophy Department always cheaper to fund than the Math Department?

The math department needs paper, pencils, and a wastebasket.
The philosophy department only needs paper and pencils.

What do you call the corner of the market that specializes in philosophy?

A Nietzsche market!

Horses are really smart but they're terrible philosophy students...

You can't put Descartes before the horse.

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

Why shouldn't you tell a philosophy major a joke?

They don't find them Hume-erous.

I thought I could finish this philosophy essay...

...Turns out I Kant.

I'm so bad at philosophy....

.....I Kant even

Science, Philosophy and Religion

What is Science? Looking for a black cat in a black room.
What is Philosophy? Asking whether there is a black cat in a black room.
What is Religion? "I HAVE THE CAT"

What do you call The Bear who loves philosophy?

winnie the Philosopooh

What is the philosophy of a necrophiliac?

Sit back, relax and crack open a cold one

Why can't you tell a Philosophy Student a good joke?

You need to give a three hour lecture and turn in a research paper on "What is 'good'?" first.

What is 50 Cent's guiding philosophy?

Be the change you want to see in the world.

My philosophy to everything I do are governed by the three E's

Excellence, Efficiency, and Intelligence

It's finals week and the only question on the test is "what is 2+2?"

A philosophy major writes a long eloquent response but doesn't bother to actually answer the question.
A math major makes a formal proof that 2=2 and that addition is commutative before using the squeeze theorem to prove that 4≤2+2≤4.
An engineering major knows the answer is 4 but writes down 5 just to be safe.

My philosophy about relationships is the same as my diet...

If I work really hard at it, once a month I should get to have a cheat day.

Philosophy is a game with objectives but no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules but no objectives.

Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor?

He never mentions "on the other hand"

How do you use a philosophy degree in a professional context?

*Why* would you like fries with that?

What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships...

Hit it and quidditch.

My philosophy

I plan to live forever or die trying.

My dad studied Philosophy in college, and he's a pastor

I suppose that makes him a Philosorapture.

What do you get when you cross ancient Chinese philosophy with modern American derivatives markets?

Dao Jones.

I told my job interview that I studied philosophy at school.

He said, "Was that useful?"
I said, "I don't know. Was it?"

I asked my philosophy prof about Nihilism

He said it was all pointless.

"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college!"

"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college! How are you?"
"I'm doing well, I got that philosophy degree."
"Congratulations."
"Thanks. Hey, do you want fries with that?

Why did the Republican hate his logic course?

Because Philosophy is considered a *liberal* art

An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.

The optimist declares, This is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist sighs and says, You're right.

I have a degree in philosophy and I can't find a job.

I've spent a lot of time thinking why.

Difference between Physics, Philosophy and Theology

Physics is like going after a black cat in a dark room.
Philosophy is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded.
Theology is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded, shouting "Heureka, I found her!"

How math, physics, programmimg and philosophy convince that all odd numbers bigger than one are primes...

Math: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime. I'll get the rest of them with induction.
Physics: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 9 measurement error, 11 prime, 13 prime.
I tested enough numbers.
Programming: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime...
Philosophy: 2 prime, 4 prime, 6 prime

My girlfriend thinks I'm pretentious

She walked in on me reading a book on existential philosophy. She was like "oh my God! Are you for real?" I said "that's what I'm trying to figure out."

There is at least one great philosophy in each of Brad Bird's films

The Incredibles: "When everyone's special, nobody is."
Ratatouille: "Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."
The Iron Giant: "Screw our country, I want to live."

My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.

She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.

One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

The people that believe in infinite lives

Have just taken the philosophy of eat, sleep and repeat way too seriously.

A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.

The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."

When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike

People would routinely bring him flattened bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.