Philosophy Jokes

138 philosophy jokes and hilarious philosophy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about philosophy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

These philosophy jokes will have you chuckling in no time! Discover the dry wit of greek philosophers, and get a good laugh out of undergrad and professor antics. Get ready for some fun and clever short philosophy jokes!

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Funniest Philosophy Short Jokes

Short philosophy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The philosophy humour may include short philosophical jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between a guy with an Arts Major, and a guy with a Philosophy Major? One will ask WHY you want fries with that!
  2. I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist and worse… she can prove it.
  3. My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university... I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?
  4. What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you *why* you want fries with that.
  5. What's the difference between a philosophy major and a picnic table? A picnic table can support a family.
  6. I'm going to major in Philosophy when I go to college... one day I can ask '*Why* do you want fries with that?'
  7. Why shouldn't you study French philosophy before Roman poetry? Because that would be putting Descarte before the Horace.
  8. What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman? Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?
  9. "One man's trash is another man's treasure," is a great philosophy But it's a lousy way to tell a kid they're adopted.
  10. What's the difference between a social media influencer and a philosophy major? The philosophy major needed a degree to be useless.

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Philosophy One Liners

Which philosophy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with philosophy? I can suggest the ones about philosophical question and ethics.

  1. How do you get a philosophy student off your porch? Thank him for the pizza
  2. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
  3. To all the philosophy majors out there... Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?
  4. How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.
  5. How do you get a philosophy major off of your porch? Pay for the pizza.
  6. I'd really love to study Philosophy... But I Kant.
  7. I have a german philosophy joke, but I don't think you'll get it It's pretty Nietzsche
  8. What kind of a friar loves philosophy? A deep friar.
  9. What do you call a wolf who reads philosophy? AWAREWOLF
  10. It's fun being a philosophy major I get to reflect on why I can't pay for food
  11. When she screams "deeper!"... ...but you already have a degree in philosophy.
  12. What is the world's smallest book? Job listings for philosophy majors.
  13. Not many people are interested in philosophy. It's a nietzsche area
  14. What do you call a homeless college student? A philosophy major
  15. I don't understand chinese philosophy. It Confucius me.

Philosophy Major Jokes

Here is a list of funny philosophy major jokes and even better philosophy major puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan Who would've thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?
  • What is the difference between a philosophy major and a liberal arts major? One will ask WHY you need fries with that!
  • What's the best part about majoring in philosophy? You get to ask people why they want fries with that
  • Never date a philosophy major My last girlfriend was one and she spent most of her time trying to prove that I didn't exist
  • I had an arguement with a philosophy major I told him NO, I don't want avocado on my footlong!
  • What kind of car do most philosophy majors drive? An uber.
  • Telling your parents your a philosophy major is like reading them poetry They snap
  • A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major. He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"
  • What does the Philosophy major say a year after he graduates? "Would you like fries with that?"
  • Philosophy majors are like stem cells They have the potential to become whatever they want/need but they are equally unprepared for everything.

Greek Philosophy Jokes

Here is a list of funny greek philosophy jokes and even better greek philosophy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said, Did you know Aristotle said that we are what we repeatedly do? Therefore, I'm your mother.
Philosophy joke, After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said,  Did you know Aristotle said t

Short Philosophy Jokes

Here is a list of funny short philosophy jokes and even better short philosophy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A short philosophy joke... René Descartes is walking around a party when somebody asks him if he'd like something to drink. Descartes answers, I think not and promptly vanishes.
Philosophy joke, A short philosophy joke...

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Philosophy Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about philosophy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean deep philosophical jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make philosophy pranks.


Why don't you teach prostitutes philosophy?
That would be putting Descartes before the w**....

Philosophy Major: True story

With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.

Dean, to the physics department:

"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

Philosophy final

in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.
"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."
Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.
The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"
His answer: What chair?

The chancellor of the university is complaining to the dean of physics...

"We need to cut costs!" He says. "All this complex technology you guys use! Why can't you be more like the Maths department? All they need is pencils, paper and wastebaskets!"
"Better still," says the dean of physics, "we could be like the philosophy department. All they need is the pencils and paper."


When anyone asks if I'm a philosophical, I responded, "That's a very philosophical question." Then I way away.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister...

Are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your g**...?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."

Descartes in the Bar

René Descartes is sitting in a bar, drinking and going on and on to other customers about philosophy. He goes on and on into the night getting drunker.
The bartender asks Descartes if he'll have another drink.
"I think not," he replies and disappears in a puff of logic.

For all of those Philosophy Majors out there

Philosophy Joke:
If an argument concludes a tree fall without human interaction in a forest for a stump to be made, and there are no lumberjack's in the forest to hear it, does it make it sound?

The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost?

The Physics major asks: How does it work?
The Engineering major asks: How do you build it?
The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?

Get ready for a corny joke!

***What is Mr. Corn's philosophy on life?***
Life is a maze.

Why is a university Philosophy Department always cheaper to fund than the Math Department?

The math department needs paper, pencils, and a wastebasket.
The philosophy department only needs paper and pencils.

What do you call the corner of the market that specializes in philosophy?

A Nietzsche market!

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

Chinese Philosophy.

The Great Lao-Tzu said:
"It is only when you see a mosquito
landing on your t**... that you realize
there is always a way to

solve problems without using violence.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" p**...! The horse disappears.

Philosophy Joke

Descartes is in a bar and has had many drinks. He then asks the bartender for another beer.
"Are you sure you can handle another? You've had a lot" the bartender asks.
Descartes replies, "I think not!"
And he disappeared.

I met a p**... with a degree in philosophy.

She'll blow your mind, man.

Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?
The horse ponders for a minute and responds, I don't think I am , and p**... he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, I think, therefore I am.
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

My philosophy to everything I do are governed by the three E's

Excellence, Efficiency, and Intelligence

So I was at a conference for experimental philosophy...

and it was getting a bit dull so I turned to the guy next to me and asked
"So, what do you do?"
He lit up, eager to tell all.
"Well, I'm studying the effects of introducing rodents to Nihilistic thinking through an intricate series of signals and experiments. Nice to meet cha!"
Ah, I replied.....
Mice to Nietszche.

It's finals week and the only question on the test is "what is 2+2?"

A philosophy major writes a long eloquent response but doesn't bother to actually answer the question.
A math major makes a formal proof that 2=2 and that addition is commutative before using the squeeze theorem to prove that 4≤2+2≤4.
An engineering major knows the answer is 4 but writes down 5 just to be safe.

Philosophy is a game with objectives but no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules but no objectives.

What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?


In a philosophy class...

Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.
One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

Sweet Potato Philosophy

"I think therefore I yam."

So a horse walks into a bar...

So a horse walks into a bar. The barkeep seems to know that the horse frequently goes to bars, and he asks the horse, "Aren't you an alcoholic by now?"
The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears, seemingly into thin air.
See, the joke here is based on Rene Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", however, explaining that part first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

How do you use a philosophy degree in a professional context?

*Why* would you like fries with that?

What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships...

Hit it and quidditch.

A university president was complaining to the dean of engineering about his department's expenses...

"Why can't you be more like the math department? The only equipment they need is a blackboard and an eraser. Or better yet, like the philosophy department! They don't even need the eraser."
Repost from 3001: The Final Odyssey.

Did you hear the one about the philosophy major that failed out of school?

Apparently he put the w**... before Descartes

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need only paper and pens."

I told my job interview that I studied philosophy at school.

He said, "Was that useful?"
I said, "I don't know. Was it?"

I asked my philosophy prof about Nihilism

He said it was all pointless.

"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college!"

"Hey man, I haven't seen you since college! How are you?"
"I'm doing well, I got that philosophy degree."
"Thanks. Hey, do you want fries with that?

Why did the Republican hate his logic course?

Because Philosophy is considered a *liberal* art

Difference between Physics, Philosophy and Theology

Physics is like going after a black cat in a dark room.
Philosophy is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded.
Theology is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded, shouting "Heureka, I found her!"

How math, physics, programmimg and philosophy convince that all odd numbers bigger than one are primes...

Math: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime. I'll get the rest of them with induction.
Physics: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 9 measurement error, 11 prime, 13 prime.
I tested enough numbers.
Programming: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime...
Philosophy: 2 prime, 4 prime, 6 prime

My girlfriend thinks I'm pretentious

She walked in on me reading a book on existential philosophy. She was like "oh my God! Are you for real?" I said "that's what I'm trying to figure out."

There is at least one great philosophy in each of Brad Bird's films

The Incredibles: "When everyone's special, nobody is."
Ratatouille: "Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."
The Iron Giant: "Screw our country, I want to live."

My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.

She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.

What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

Did you hear about the p**... who's a philosophy major?

She could really blow your mind.

A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.

The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."

The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
What chair?
He was the only one to pass the exam.

When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike

People would routinely bring him flattened bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

What's the difference from when you've just started school, to when you've completed a philosophy degree?

When you just start school you know nothing about anything. But when you complete a philosophy degree you know everything about nothing.

Philosophy of a skunk

I stink, therefore I am

I saw my sister sobbing in her room, worried that her Philosophy degree might be worthless in today's job market.

I said, Are you having an existential cry, sis?

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

I don't think I am. the horse replies.
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate?

Whether Pepsi is ok.

A horse walks into a bar...

... and orders a pint. The bartender then says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse responds "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy: "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, Are you having an existential cry, sis?

Philosophy joke, My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

jokes about philosophy