Philosophers Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers...

but I Kant.

Two nudists philosophers were sitting around when one of them asked the other, "Have you read Marx?"

The other one replied "Yes, I think it's the wicker furniture".

Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated

Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.

Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

Why do chickens lay eggs?

To confuse philosophers.

Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

A physicist is called into the dean's office to explain his request for funding.

The dean's pissed. "Why are you spending so much money on fancy gadgets and machinery? Why can't you be like the mathematicians? All they need is paper, pencil, and wastebaskets. Or better yet, why can't you be like the philosophers? All they need is paper and pencil."

All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived...

A long time ago, and probably in Greece

How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on the definition of lightbulb.

Who are the greatest philosophers today?

The TSA. They are always asking people, "Who are you?", "Where did you come from?", "Why are you here?", and "Where are you going?"

Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation until much later.
When he finally arrives, he asks the front desk for his room but, unfortunately, no rooms are available.

Struck by this, Aristotle asks Socrates if he wouldn't mind sharing a room with him but Socrates slams the door in his face.

He goes over to Kant's room and pleads with him but Kant also slams the door in face.

Aristotle decides to change his plan. He walks to Descartes' room and tells him "Descartes, there has been a terrible mistake. The front desk has given you my room and has lost your reservation." Descartes, angered by this, replies "I think not!"

And then Aristotle got a room.

What's a philosophers favorite toy?


How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – its a pseudo-problem… light bulbs give off light (hence the name). If the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? And if it wasn't broken, then why does it need changing?

I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers.

Must've been the soccer tees.

What kind of shirt do philosophers wear when kick the ball around?


Philosophers don't get salaries

They get food for thought

Why isn't there a lot of advertising aimed at philosophers?

It's a Nietzsche market

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

Why do philosophers get chicks?

They're thot provoking.

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?

Because I Kant.

What do you call a group of philosophers?

An argument.

How do philosophers greet each other?

"Why are you?"

why do philosophers love the ocean so much?

because it's deep!

What most philosophers can...

Emmanuel Kant.

What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall?

At the Schopenhauer.

In the Philosophers prison...

I shank, therefore you are not

I don't trust insomniac philosophers...

They're up to know good.

Scientists are such a pain, they need so much expensive equipment. Mathemeticians on the other hand ...

They just need a pencil, a paper and a waste paper basket. Philosophers are even easier, they don't even need the waste paper basket.

You know what they say about black philosophers...

They have the biggest premises.

How do philosophers shave off their beards?

Occam's razor

Why do philosophers have bad teeth?

Because they don't get transcendental plans.

Two philosophers walk into a bar, sit down, order a round of beers, and start playing poker.

I Kant tell you the rest; it just wasn't in Descartes.

Why Do Jews Make Good Philosophers?

They think that everything Israel.

Why are philosophers so good at wining the money in Deal or No Deal?

Because they know it is inate.

Philosophers taste best grilled.

I just love Confu-shish kabob.

Coming out with a hair product line....

For philosophers, religious and introspective types...
it's called "The Human Conditioner".

What is a philosophers favorite food?


A group of philosophers started a movie festival...

...and they decided to call it "Immanuel Cannes".

Does anyone if there are any German philosophers?

I Kant think of any.

Why Do Philosophers Have Such Good Teeth?

Because they philos all the time!

What are the funniest philosophers jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Philosophers? Well, here are the best Philosophers puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Philosophers pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes