Philosopher Jokes
124 philosopher jokes and hilarious philosopher puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about philosopher that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud over the best collection of philosophical jokes featuring famous Greek philosophers, linguists, and mathematicians. You'll find jokes about postulates, paradoxes, and more! Share with friends, family and colleagues.
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Funniest Philosopher Short Jokes
Short philosopher jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The philosopher humour may include short philosophy jokes also.
- Made this one up at work today. There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.
His name was Popsicles. - Some philosopher said Change does not come from a place of comfort. , but he was wrong. I'm always finding loose coins in my couch.
- What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic? A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
~ Infinite Jest, by DFW - What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night? Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
- What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get? A socra-tease
Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week - Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil? Johann Gottfried
- What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher? Would you like ketchup with your chips?
- All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived... A long time ago, and probably in Greece
- PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"
- Have you heard of the American Philosophical Association? I'm not sure if it exists or not and neither are they.
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Philosopher One Liners
Which philosopher one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with philosopher? I can suggest the ones about logician and philosophy major.
- What's a Philosophers favourite sport? Discuss
- What do you call a scared philosopher? Aristartle
- I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers... but I Kant.
- What's a philosopher's favourite type of tea? Certain *tea*
- What do you call a wise dumpling? A “wonton” philosopher!
- What do you call a fuzzy philosopher? BEARistotle
I'm so sorry - 1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism. It's a Nietzsche market.
- What do philosophical dolphins say? What's the porpoise?
- Why do chickens lay eggs? To confuse philosophers.
- What do you call a philosophical priest? A deep friar
- How do philosophers make money? Philoso-fees!
- How does somebody become a philosopher? Well, there's no short answer.
- My father was a U-boat captain and amateur philosopher. Such a deep sinker.
- What did an Australian philosopher say to the German philosopher? Oi Kant
- What do you call a Greek philosopher who publishes his findings? Articles
Greek Philosopher Jokes
Here is a list of funny greek philosopher jokes and even better greek philosopher puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch? Soccerates.
- What's the name of a lackluster Greek philosopher? Mediocrates
- What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France. Sacre' T's
- Once again, I'm checking out this book "Greek Philosophers: From Aristotle to Zeno" I've never finished it for some reason.
- Have you heard of the, great, ancient Greek philosopher Mediocrates? His primary philosophical viewpoint is "eeeeehhh"
- Why did the greek philosopher break in two? He was made out of Plato
- A Greek philosopher's lecture on knowledge was really confusing and frustrating. Episteme off.
- What do you call a Greek philosopher who won't move from the doorway? Obstacles.
- I scared a Greek Philosopher by accident. No, I'm serious, he was pretty Aristartled
- Which Greek Philosopher was the easiest to manipulate? Play-Doh
Philosopher Stone Jokes
Here is a list of funny philosopher stone jokes and even better philosopher stone puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the philosopher say to the stone?.... I can't believe they made a film about us
- If Socrates had kidney problems He could find a philosopher's stone
- What is the volume of a copy of Harry Potter and the philosopher's stone? One
Philosopher Mathematician Jokes
Here is a list of funny philosopher mathematician jokes and even better philosopher mathematician puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Philosophers and Mathematicians will argue about how bad this one is for centuries A mathematical proof for the existence of surjective functions is an onto-logical argument
- What's the difference between a philosopher and a mathematician? The mathematician has evidence.
Laughter Philosopher Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about philosopher you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean existentialist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make philosopher pranks.
A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...
The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."
Philosophy
When anyone asks if I'm a philosophical, I responded, "That's a very philosophical question." Then I way away.
How do philosophers shave off their beards?
Occam's razor
A common philosophical problem ...
A common philosophical problem is the putting of Descartes before des horse.
So Descartes walks into a bar
and he asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender gets it for him and he drinks it. The philosopher calls the bartender over again, asks for another one, gets it, and drinks it. This time, the bartender sees him finish the beer and goes over and asks Descartes if he'd like another. The philosopher says, "I think not," and disappears.
Did you hear about the philosophical gunman?
He blew people's minds.
Plato and Aristotle were in the music room of the Academy in Athens.
Plato was at the piano, and Aristotle was holding a small lute in his hands.
Plato, do you know the unpredictability and exactitude of ethics and reflective philosophical hermeneutics require phronesis as an ontological counterpoint to peripatetic conjecture?
No, Plato replied. But if you play a few bars, I may be able to pick it up.
What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall?
At the Schopenhauer.
What's a philosophers favorite toy?
Plato
Who are the greatest philosophers today?
The TSA. They are always asking people, "Who are you?", "Where did you come from?", "Why are you here?", and "Where are you going?"
I don't trust insomniac philosophers...
They're up to know good.
A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"
The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"
The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"
The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."
What do you call an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, logician, political commentator, social justice activist, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate who doesn't eat ham?
NO-HAM CHOMPSKY
I have a knack for philosophical puns...
I guess you could say I have really found my nietzsche.
I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers.
Must've been the soccer tees.
How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It depends on the definition of lightbulb.
Well now that Nietzsche won the prize for Best German Philosopher...
Immanuel Kant.
What do you call a group of philosophers?
An argument.
What did the depressed philosopher say?
I drink because I am.
A philosopher and a political scientist are drinking lemonade on a porch in a nudist colony. The philosopher says, "I suppose you've read Marx?"
The political scientist replies, "Yes! It's these darn wicker chairs!"
Apple trying to be philosophical:
iThink therefore iAm
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the Philosophers prison...
I shank, therefore you are not
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...
They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a b**... somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.
Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goes in there, then there's no one inside!"
What did the linguinist say to the philosopher?
A penne for your thoughts.
Why isn't there a lot of advertising aimed at philosophers?
It's a Nietzsche market
Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?
My children made me a philosopher
I'm always stopping and asking myself why
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest
Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"
Why didn't the philosopher like your way of making 20 cents?
Because it was different from his paradigms.
A philosopher says to a linguist...
A philosopher says to a linguist What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? The linguist replied, They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.
How can you tell if someone is a philosopher?
It depends on what you mean by "philosopher".
Watermelons are the most philosophical fruit...
Cause they're like, "Watermelons"
@caredee
What's the difference between a Philosopher and a Theologian?
A philosopher is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there and finds it.
Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?
Because I Kant.
What kind of shirt do philosophers wear when kick the ball around?
Soccer-tees
What's the difference between your dentist and a philosopher?
Your dentist helps you solve molar dilemmas.
What do you call a meticulous philosopher?
Thoreau!
For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...
Optimist Prime.
Philosophers don't get salaries
They get food for thought
A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....
......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.
How do philosophers greet each other?
"Why are you?"
A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...
They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain is that Ireland has at least one half of one brown cow."
An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi...
The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"
Scientists have discovered a stone tablet 60,000 years old inscibed with pictographs describing the idea of "the glass half empty or half full."
They are calling the prehistoric philosopher "optimist prime."
Imagine studying all of your life to become a philosopher
When you can just look up the definition of a word
A few months ago, a time traveller ran up to someone and shouts "I need you to say the 9th letter of the alphabet and the German founder of the philosophical doctrine of transcendental idealism, or the world will fall into chaos!"
...I Kant
Duckiiiiiies
Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course, what would occur?
The other philosopher sat and sipped at his drink before replying, I truly don't know... What a pair o' ducks!
Who's a Weeb's favorite philosopher?
Sakura Tease
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.
When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit .
The physicist states: Truly there is no fruit. The fruit is simply the interaction of fundamental forces and unseeable particles colliding through time until the fruit is formed .
The Common Man replies: It's an apple.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A philosopher saw a p**... having a sale on some of his h**...
The philosopher said: a penny for your thots.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I proudly invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:
"What the h**... did I drink?"
Why do philosophers like Mexican gangs?
They have a lot of essays
why did the philosopher not do well in his french test?
because he Kant speak french :D
What did the philosophical monkey say?
Oooh, oooh, ah, Aahhh!
Why did the ancient philosopher build 2 spots to park his boat?
We'll never know, it's a paradox.
