Philosopher Jokes
126 philosopher jokes and hilarious philosopher puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about philosopher that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud over the best collection of philosophical jokes featuring famous Greek philosophers, linguists, and mathematicians. You'll find jokes about postulates, paradoxes, and more! Share with friends, family and colleagues.
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Funniest Philosopher Short Jokes
Short philosopher jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The philosopher humour may include short philosophy jokes also.
- Made this one up at work today. There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.
His name was Popsicles. - A blonde joke A professor is teaching his class and gets philosophical.
"Fame will come to you only if you succeed "
The blonde asks, " Who is seed?" - Some philosopher said Change does not come from a place of comfort. , but he was wrong. I'm always finding loose coins in my couch.
- Two nudists philosophers were sitting around when one of them asked the other, "Have you read Marx?" The other one replied "Yes, I think it's the wicker furniture".
- What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic? A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
~ Infinite Jest, by DFW - What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night? Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
- What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get? A socra-tease
Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week - Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil? Johann Gottfried
- What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher? Would you like ketchup with your chips?
- All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived... A long time ago, and probably in Greece
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Philosopher One Liners
Which philosopher one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with philosopher? I can suggest the ones about logician and philosophy major.
- What's a Philosophers favourite sport? Discuss
- What do you call a scared philosopher? Aristartle
- I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers... but I Kant.
- What's a philosopher's favourite type of tea? Certain *tea*
- What do you call a wise dumpling? A “wonton” philosopher!
- What do you call a fuzzy philosopher? BEARistotle
I'm so sorry - 1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism. It's a Nietzsche market.
- What do philosophical dolphins say? What's the porpoise?
- Why do chickens lay eggs? To confuse philosophers.
- What do you call a philosophical priest? A deep friar
- How do philosophers make money? Philoso-fees!
- How does somebody become a philosopher? Well, there's no short answer.
- My father was a U-boat captain and amateur philosopher. Such a deep sinker.
- What did an Australian philosopher say to the German philosopher? Oi Kant
- What do you call a Greek philosopher who publishes his findings? Articles
Greek Philosopher Jokes
Here is a list of funny greek philosopher jokes and even better greek philosopher puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch? Soccerates.
- What's the name of a lackluster Greek philosopher? Mediocrates
- What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France. Sacre' T's
- Once again, I'm checking out this book "Greek Philosophers: From Aristotle to Zeno" I've never finished it for some reason.
- Have you heard of the, great, ancient Greek philosopher Mediocrates? His primary philosophical viewpoint is "eeeeehhh"
- Why did the greek philosopher break in two? He was made out of Plato
- A Greek philosopher's lecture on knowledge was really confusing and frustrating. Episteme off.
- What do you call a Greek philosopher who won't move from the doorway? Obstacles.
- I scared a Greek Philosopher by accident. No, I'm serious, he was pretty Aristartled
- I hate Japanese Buddhists and Greek philosophers... I guess you could call me Zenophobic.
Philosopher Stone Jokes
Here is a list of funny philosopher stone jokes and even better philosopher stone puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the philosopher say to the stone?.... I can't believe they made a film about us
- If Socrates had kidney problems He could find a philosopher's stone
- What is the volume of a copy of Harry Potter and the philosopher's stone? One
- "Look" said Harry, "Descartes' having a spliff" The philosopher's s**...
- What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece? The Philosophers s**...
Philosopher Mathematician Jokes
Here is a list of funny philosopher mathematician jokes and even better philosopher mathematician puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Philosophers and Mathematicians will argue about how bad this one is for centuries A mathematical proof for the existence of surjective functions is an onto-logical argument
- What's the difference between a philosopher and a mathematician? The mathematician has evidence.
Laughter Philosopher Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about philosopher you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean existentialist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make philosopher pranks.
A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...
The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."
Philosophy
When anyone asks if I'm a philosophical, I responded, "That's a very philosophical question." Then I way away.
A common philosophical problem ...
A common philosophical problem is the putting of Descartes before des horse.
So Descartes walks into a bar
and he asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender gets it for him and he drinks it. The philosopher calls the bartender over again, asks for another one, gets it, and drinks it. This time, the bartender sees him finish the beer and goes over and asks Descartes if he'd like another. The philosopher says, "I think not," and disappears.
Plato and Aristotle were in the music room of the Academy in Athens.
Plato was at the piano, and Aristotle was holding a small lute in his hands.
Plato, do you know the unpredictability and exactitude of ethics and reflective philosophical hermeneutics require phronesis as an ontological counterpoint to peripatetic conjecture?
No, Plato replied. But if you play a few bars, I may be able to pick it up.
What's a philosophers favorite toy?
Plato
Who are the greatest philosophers today?
The TSA. They are always asking people, "Who are you?", "Where did you come from?", "Why are you here?", and "Where are you going?"
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" p**...! The horse disappears.
A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"
The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"
The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"
The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."
I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers.
Must've been the soccer tees.
How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It depends on the definition of lightbulb.
Well now that Nietzsche won the prize for Best German Philosopher...
Immanuel Kant.
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – its a pseudo-problem… light bulbs give off light (hence the name). If the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? And if it wasn't broken, then why does it need changing?
What did the depressed philosopher say?
I drink because I am.
Have you heard of the American Philosophical Association?
I'm not sure if it exists or not and neither are they.
A philosopher and a political scientist are drinking lemonade on a porch in a nudist colony. The philosopher says, "I suppose you've read Marx?"
The political scientist replies, "Yes! It's these darn wicker chairs!"
PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar
The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...
They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a b**... somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.
Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goes in there, then there's no one inside!"
Why isn't there a lot of advertising aimed at philosophers?
It's a Nietzsche market
Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?
My children made me a philosopher
I'm always stopping and asking myself why
A philosopher says to a linguist...
A philosopher says to a linguist What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? The linguist replied, They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.
A Horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.
The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.
See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What's the difference between a Philosopher and a Theologian?
A philosopher is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there and finds it.
What kind of shirt do philosophers wear when kick the ball around?
Soccer-tees
Descartes is sitting at a bar finishing a beer.
When the bartender asks if he'd like another, the philosopher says, "I think not," and disappears
How did I become a philosopher?
Well, there's no short answer
What's the difference between your dentist and a philosopher?
Your dentist helps you solve molar dilemmas.
A horse walks into a bar...
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.
If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.
I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...
But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!
What do you call a meticulous philosopher?
Thoreau!
For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...
Optimist Prime.
Philosophers don't get salaries
They get food for thought
Why do philosophers get chicks?
They're thot provoking.
A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....
......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.
A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...
They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain is that Ireland has at least one half of one brown cow."
I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...
But I just Kant.
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*p**...*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi...
The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"
A few months ago, a time traveller ran up to someone and shouts "I need you to say the 9th letter of the alphabet and the German founder of the philosophical doctrine of transcendental idealism, or the world will fall into chaos!"
...I Kant
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher,
however no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting p**......
Get set.....
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting p**......
Karl Marx
Karl Marx ia a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister and brother: Onya, the inventor of the starting p**..., and Skid, who was generally unpopular.
Duckiiiiiies
Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course, what would occur?
The other philosopher sat and sipped at his drink before replying, I truly don't know... What a pair o' ducks!
Two nudist philosophers are sitting by the pool and one says, "Have you read Marx?
The other replies, "Yes, I believe it's from the cane chairs."
Who's a Weeb's favorite philosopher?
Sakura Tease
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.
When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit .
The physicist states: Truly there is no fruit. The fruit is simply the interaction of fundamental forces and unseeable particles colliding through time until the fruit is formed .
The Common Man replies: It's an apple.
A philosopher saw a p**... having a sale on some of his h**...
The philosopher said: a penny for your thots.
A horse walks in to a bar...
The bartender greets him, and says "You've been coming in here a lot. Do you think you might have a drinking problem?"
The horse pauses for a minute and says, "I think not."
And immediately disappears.
See, this joke plays on the famous Rene Descartes philosophical quote "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained that first, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I proudly invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:
"What the h**... did I drink?"
Why do philosophers like Mexican gangs?
They have a lot of essays
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the horse if he's an alcoholic because he's always there, and the horse replies, "I don't think I am." Then p**...! The horse disappears.
Some of you are giggling at this because you're familiar with the philosophical proposition of *cogito ergo sum*, or "I think, therefore I am."
I could have explained that beforehand, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
why did the philosopher not do well in his french test?
because he Kant speak french :D
What did the philosophical monkey say?
Oooh, oooh, ah, Aahhh!
Why did the ancient philosopher build 2 spots to park his boat?
We'll never know, it's a paradox.
Two guys walk into a bar
A philosopher and a physician walk into a fabulous tiki beach bar in Florida and both order drinks. After a while the philosopher addresses the physician, "Have you read Marx?" The physician replies, "Yes, I blame these wicker bar stools."