Philippines Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war

while French people remove the red and blue colour

My high school assignment

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights...

The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.

A joke from my Filipino uncle...

It is common in the Philippines for families to live in one-bedroom homes.

One night a couple wanted to make love, and so they had their child look the window. As the couple made love, the child continued to look out the window without turning around.

When the couple was done, the father asked the child so, what did you see out the window?

The child replied the neighbors were making love too.

Confused, the father asked how could you tell?

The child answered their kid was looking at me from their window.

A business man goes to the Philippines on business, and decides to go to a whore house.

While banging the hooker, she starts to moan "Soon kee". Assuming this meant she was enjoying herself, he begins to go faster. She moans it louder, and he goes faster, until he finishes.

The next day, he is playing golf with the CEO of his company, who has resided in the Philippines for some time. Suddenly, the business man gets a hole in one. So excited, he screams "Soon Kee!!".

The CEO looks at him with some confusion, looks at the hole, looks at him and says, "What do you mean 'Wrong hole'?"

Pacquiao wanted the fight to take place in the Philippines, but Mayweather insisted on Las Vegas.

I guess he likes his venues just like he likes his violence...Domestic.

Who has the most children

There was a contest held to determine which race can produce the most amount of children in their lifetime. The 3 finalists were India, China and The Philippines.

The judges called the first contestant to the stage. Mr. India proudly announced " I have a very big family! I have 100 kids!!!". The judges were amazed and the crowd applauded.

The judges then called the 2nd contestant, Mr. China. He then sneered at Mr. India and loudly said "Only 100? I have 1000 children!!!". The crowd went wild. The judges couldn't believe that it was even possible.

The 3rd contestant was called. "Mr. Philippines, please come up to the stage. He was sweating. Shows on his actions that he was very nervous. On his was up to the stage, as soon as the crowd sees him, they went wild. They crowd cheered. Everyone on was rooting for him. The judges were amazed as they hear the crowd chant "DADDY DADDY DADDY!!!"

what do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?

a Manilla folder

Meanwhile in Philippines

Meanwhile in Philippines, a local barber in my area got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his costumer for years, I didn't know he was a barber.

what do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder.

The president of the Philippines says 3 of 5 Americans are idiots

What a dumbass, there are way more than 5 Americans

What are the funniest philippines jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Philippines? Well, here are the best Philippines puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Philippines pick up lines to share with friends.

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