Phil Jokes
102 phil jokes and hilarious phil puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about phil that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A laugh out loud collection of Phil Jokes from the "Somebody Feed Phil" series curated from US-based comedian Jim, Pamela and Gerry. Get ready to burst into laughter with their rib-tickling takes on life, love and food.
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Funniest Phil Short Jokes
Short phil jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The phil humour may include short mike jokes also.
- People used to say I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.... Well, take a look at me now!
- The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.
- I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction. I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.
- Someone once told me that I would not get far in life since I spent all of my time listening to Phil Collins. Take a look at me now!
- The bartender says: "Not you again" Weatherman Phil Connors walks into the bar.
Happy groundhog day everyone! - Names that when read out loud sound dirty Hue Janis
Hue Jazz
Dixie Normous
Jack Mehoff
Mike Hawk
Phil Mahooters
Philip Mabung - So Stan,Ben and Phil walked into a bar Bartender says, Mr Dup, Mr Dover and Mr McGroin! What can I get for ya?
- What do Phil Swift and Kim Kardashian have in common? They're only famous because of a tape.
- Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.
- Gf says to me "Phil, you arent the best looking man, the most fun or the best in bed.... "
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Phil One Liners
Which phil one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with phil? I can suggest the ones about quadriplegic and matt.
- What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera? Phil Ming
- My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday.. we call him Phil now
- What do you call an Asian guy with a video recorder? Phil Ming.
- What do you call a man in a hole? Phil.
- What do you call an Asian behind a camera? Phil Ming
- What do you call a man who pours a lot of drinks? Phil.
- What do you call a Canadian fish with no bones? Phil, eh?
- What's the name of the Asian guy with a camcorder? Phil Ming.
- Where does Phil Collins record his music? The Stu-Stu-studio
- Did you hear about the gay Irish Dentists? Ben Dover and Phil Mcavity!
- Have you read the book Grand Canyon mishap? It was written by Illen Dover and Phil Lin.
- Where does Phil Collins record his songs? In a stu-stu-studio.
- Where does Phil Collins record all of his music? The stu-stu-studio.
- I have two friends that are excavators Doug and Phil
- What did the bratty nut say to Dr Phil? Cashew outside. How 'bou dat?
Dr Phil Jokes
Here is a list of funny dr phil jokes and even better dr phil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Syria had a Dr. Phil show, do you think the unruly teen girl would say Gas me Assad how bow dah?
- 35,000 walruses came ashore on an Alaskan beach.... or are those Dr. Phils?
- What do s**... b**... and Dr Phil patients have in common? Both blow up because of mental illnesses.
Fun-Filled Phil Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about phil you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean john jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make phil pranks.
Philosophy Major: True story
With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.
Philosophy final
in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.
"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."
Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.
The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"
His answer: What chair?
Philosophy
When anyone asks if I'm a philosophical, I responded, "That's a very philosophical question." Then I way away.
Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.
What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?
Art.
What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?
Matt.
What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?
Doug.
What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?
Phil.
What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps?
Skip.
What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water?
Bob.
What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a quadriplegic inside of your mail box?
Bill.
Borrowed Car
One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"
What did the philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman?
Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?
What do philosophical dolphins say?
What's the porpoise?
What did the philanderer say to the gardener praying in the shed?
How do you stay faithful in a room full of h**...?
For all of those Philosophy Majors out there
Philosophy Joke:
If an argument concludes a tree fall without human interaction in a forest for a stump to be made, and there are no lumberjack's in the forest to hear it, does it make it sound?
The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost?
The Physics major asks: How does it work?
The Engineering major asks: How do you build it?
The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?
How do you get a philosophy major off of your porch?
Pay for the pizza.
If Philae finds an inhabitant on the comet what would be its first words?
I'm a Comedian ^((because people from Mars are Martians)^) ^^And. ^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out
Birthday at the old-age home
So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous b**... blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90th birthday, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Phil looks at her and says "Please don't take this the wrong way, but at my age, I'd rather have the soup."
So Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the new hunger games . . .
If anything can bring him back, it's some powerful heroine.
What's a philosophers favorite toy?
Plato
what do you call an Asian with a camera?
Phil Ming
75 story hotel
Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR d**...
A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"
The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"
The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"
The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."
Why did the philanthropist learn how to subtract?
Because he wanted to make a difference.
My first original, time for open mic!
How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It depends on the definition of lightbulb.
To all the philosophy majors out there...
Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?
A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.
The shelter told her the bird lived in a w**... for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."
The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war
while French people remove the red and blue colour
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – its a pseudo-problem… light bulbs give off light (hence the name). If the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? And if it wasn't broken, then why does it need changing?
In a philosophy class...
Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.
One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.
How do you use a philosophy degree in a professional context?
*Why* would you like fries with that?
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...
They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a b**... somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.
Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goes in there, then there's no one inside!"
Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?
A philosopher says to a linguist...
A philosopher says to a linguist What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? The linguist replied, They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.
What do you call a bartender with an empty glass?
Phil
What did the pee say when it was blocked by a kidney stone?
"u**... my way."
Those people who are against gay marriage and say...
''In Genesis it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve'', are so narrow minded..
Everyone knows that in Genesis it was Phil Collins, Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford..
How did I become a philosopher?
Well, there's no short answer
A guy walks into a bar...
...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.
"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"
"He's upstairs with my wife."
"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."
Philosophers don't get salaries
They get food for thought
A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....
......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.
Meanwhile in Philippines
Meanwhile in Philippines, a local barber in my area got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his costumer for years, I didn't know he was a barber.
1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.
It's a Nietzsche market.
Phil Swift has a new product
He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zooms out, and inverts itself, showing Phil standing under an airplane ."I'm on an airplane!" The pilot of the plane looks out the window and says,
"Weird Flex but okay."
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Final words
A man is holding his wife's hand as shes lying on her death-bed.
"j**... , I have something to tell you before I pass on," she whispers."
"No, no, dear," says j**.... "Everything is forgiven now. All is well."
"No j**..." she mumbles." I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I... I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."
"Yes,dear I know," Says j**.... "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
There are two lithium atoms walking along, and one says to the other,
Phil, I think I lost an electron back there.
So Phil says, Really Jason, are you sure?
And Jason replies, Yeah, I'm positive!
Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office
The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"
The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."
The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"
The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache Day!"
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.
When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit .
The physicist states: Truly there is no fruit. The fruit is simply the interaction of fundamental forces and unseeable particles colliding through time until the fruit is formed .
The Common Man replies: It's an apple.
A philosopher saw a p**... having a sale on some of his h**...
The philosopher said: a penny for your thots.
How do philosophers make money?
Philoso-fees!
Why do philosophers like Mexican gangs?
They have a lot of essays
why did the philosopher not do well in his french test?
because he Kant speak french :D
What did the philosophical monkey say?
Oooh, oooh, ah, Aahhh!
What's a Philosophers favourite sport?
Discuss
A couple wakes up in the middle of the night to find a thief in their bedroom
The thief points a gun at the couple.
"Now that you've seen me, I have to kill you both. Tell me your names and you won't suffer. I remember all my victims by their names."
The woman says "Stephanie."
"Wow. I can't kill you after all.. Stephanie was my Mother's name."
He points the gun at the man and asks his name.
"Phil. But all my friends call me Stephanie."
Do philosophers use diapers?
It depends.
What's the most underrated joke you've heard in a movie?
Mine is from The Hangover:
Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil: How'd he die?
Alan: World War II.
Phil: Died in battle?
Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
How does somebody become a philosopher?
Well, there's no short answer.
A Lawyer and an Honest Man
Bill and Phil were taking a stroll through a graveyard when they happened upon a tombstone with the epitaph, "Here lies a Lawyer and an Honest Man"
Bill looked at Phil and said, "Times must have been tough back then, they were burying them two deep."
Who's the most philosophical person?
Security guard
Who are you?
What are you doing?
Where are you going
Some philosopher said Change does not come from a place of comfort. , but he was wrong.
I'm always finding loose coins in my couch.
How do you get a philosophy student off your porch?
Thank him for the pizza
