Pets Jokes

93 pets jokes and hilarious pets puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pets that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh along with these hilarious pet jokes! From jokes about cats, dogs, and other tamed animals, you'll find something to entertain the whole family. Learn a few fun facts about DC Super Pets while you're at it. Get ready to giggle and have a paw-some time!

Funniest Pets Short Jokes

Short pets jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pets humour may include short cats jokes also.

  1. I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
    That one is a freebie.
  2. I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
    You've given me one too many I said.
    That one is a freebie
  3. How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old) You order it from the Cat-alogue
  4. My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
  5. The best beginner pet is a Hamster. They live for 5 days and don't require any food or water.
  6. My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday I went to the pet store, and the owner said "that'll be $200 please", I said "$200?, it'll be cheaper getting one off the web".
  7. I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus... It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
  8. I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.
  9. A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.
    That's one too many! says the customer.
    The clerk replies It's a freebie .
  10. What do you get when you mix Human DNA and goat DNA? A stern police warning and a lifetime ban from the petting zoo

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Pets One Liners

Which pets one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pets? I can suggest the ones about pies and dogs.

  1. I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny Because he's my newt
  2. What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA? Thrown out of the petting zoo
  3. What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep? ...banned from the petting zoo...
  4. Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Eeeeee....
  5. What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
  6. I have a pet newt. His name is Tiny. Know why he's named Tiny? …because he's my newt.
  7. I've decided I want a pet termite. I'm going to call him Clint. Clint Eatswood
  8. I have a pet tree... It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
  9. Elton John bought his pet rabbit to the gym... "It's a little fit bunny...."
  10. Fidget spinners are useless Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.
  11. What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion? Ryan
  12. Why do white people own so many pets? Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.
  13. What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
  14. How do you discipline your pet rock? You hit rock bottom
  15. I asked my Dad if we could get any pets... He said pets are just a step backwards.

Frogs Pets Jokes

Here is a list of funny frogs pets jokes and even better frogs pets puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My son's pet frog broke his leg yesterday He was very unhoppy...
  • My friend told me a story about his pet frog It was ribbiting.
  • I stabbed my pet frog with a knife He croaked
Pets joke, I stabbed my pet frog with a knife

Heartwarming Pets Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about pets you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pets pranks.

What do Chinese call their pets?


Where do people in Hanoi take their sick pets?

To the vietrinarian.

Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

A man in Texas is driving with twenty penguins in the bed of his pickup…

…when he is stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper approaches and tells the man that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo immediately as they are non-native and not registered to the man as pets. Right away, officer, replies the man, and off he goes.
The following day, the same man is driving on the same road with the same twenty penguins in the bed of his truck. This time, however, the penguins are all wearing sunglasses and straw hats. Sure enough, the man is stopped by the same officer. After pulling the man over, the officer approaches.
What is the meaning of this? I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday, why are they still in the bed of your truck? Did you really think these disguises would fool me?
They're not disguises, officer, you see I DID take them to the zoo yesterday—in fact, we had so much fun, we're going to the beach today.

what's the worst part about having s**... with your pets?

A week later they pretend they don't even know you.

Does your dog bite?

Man walking in a park, sees a woman sitting on a bench with a dog at her feet. He walks up to her...
Man: *Does your dog bite?*
Woman: *No*
Man goes and pets the dog, then...
*OUCH!!! I thought you said your dog didn't bite!!!*
Woman: *That's not my dog.*

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."
The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"
Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick.
"Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know, I've only had him for two years."

Some guys are talking about pets...

They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.
One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"
The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.
"The doberman choked to death."

They say the best way to prepare your kids for loss in later life is to have pets.

So I bought a puppy and shot it in front of them. I'm not having my kids growing up damaged.

What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?

To catch a predator.
Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5?
Because they can't even!
Why do white people have so many pets?
Because owning people is not legal anymore

I thought about getting two pets and naming them One and Two.

So when One dies, I'll still have Two.

Hows come white people have so many pets?

My bIack friend: "How come white people have so many pets?"
Me: "Cause we can't own people anymore"

Did you hear about the King who got killed during a torrential downpour, and his only heirs were pets?

It's been reigning cats and dogs ever since

Don't anthropomorphize your pets...

They hate it when you do that.

I was looking for a new apartment...

and found a nice place in the center of town that seemed ideal.
"It's only $650 a month," the women told me. "But no children or pets."
I had to turn it down. It was a bargain but I wasn't willing to give up my s**... life.

Why is it a bad idea to let a Chinese man look after your pets?

He might wok your dog

A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets!

He was arrested for attempted m**....

Every woman should have four pets...

A mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed...and a j**... to pay for all of it

The wife

My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets...
She'll be back when she's hungry.

What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God.
A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.

Different cultures like eating animals that we consider pets...

For example, did you know that in Japan, they eat fish?

My girlfriend and I were talking about pets, she said she'd like to get a manatee.

I just laughed and said, "Two sugars, please."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog

The bartender says, "No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

I got kicked out of a brothel for breaking the "no pets" rule...

I was just trying to get more bang for my buck.

What camp were jewish pets sent to?


Why do WWII n**... like pets so much?

Because they're veteran Aryans.

Naming rights

My next pets name is going to be peeve I've never heard of a pet peeve before.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."
The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

This is my biggest pet peeve

He's an elephant, all my pets are named peeve

Commas save lives

I love to cook my family and my pets.

I just purchased a new iPhone 7 Plus, and my son dropped it, So i'm giving it away.

He's 8 years old, tall and quite thin. Good with pets.

I have a couple pets.....

.... my dog Peeve is the most annoying

Where do pets go when their tails fall off?

The retail store

My girlfriend screamed when I told her I had c**...

I mean, they make interesting pets. She should be much more worried about my h**... testing results.

2 of my pets just packed their bags and left home!

"It is Cat... alans that have declared independence", I screamed up the road after them.

What do you call a team of pets that works together to throttle the internet?


Are houseplants considered a kind of pet?

If so, then I've killed all of my pets.

After h**... passed away, who took care of his pets?

The veteran-aryans

What kind of pets do clowns have?

Balloon animals!

What do you earn after studying about pets and studying kids?

A pedigree.

I like pets.

So I hired a dude to rub me while I watch tv.

Have you seen the videos in which people confuse their pets by disappearing unexpectedly?

I'm sick of that sheet.

I was formerly sad when my pets came and told me that my wife died

But they were just kitten.

How many pets does a weatherman have?

Four Cats

"Kevin, we got something to tell you... You are adopted"

"I am?! That's awesome!"
"Y-... you're glad to hear that?"
"Yeah. I wonder if they have pets."

A lot of white ppl have monkeys as pets

I guess they remind them of the old days

WHO let the dogs out joke.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

For all the animal lovers out there

A teacher is in front of the class teaching word problems. She asks little Susie,
Teacher: If you had 5 pets and someone wanted 3 of them, how many would you have?
Susie: 5, I'm not going to give them away.
Teacher: Alright, if you had 5 pets and someone forcibly took 3 of them, how many would you have?
Susie: 5...and a dead body.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.

Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

I've been reading this book about how people have a hard time euthanizing their pets

I just cant put it down

It's normal to talk to pets, mirrors and walls.

It's normal to talk to pets, mirrors and walls during the quarantine. Just inform your psychiatrist if they talk back.

Why do anti-vaxxer still get shots for their pets?

They think it causes aww-tism.

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted m**....

Where do rappers go to get pets?

Tha Dogg Pound

After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine

We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years

For the 2020 NFL season, the players will no longer be allowed to keep chickens as pets.

It will be considered a personal fowl.

Ewoks aren't meant to be left outside.

They're Endor pets.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do f**... mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"

A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed.

I tried it once and my goldfish died.

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.
Everyone antes up but the cat.
The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

I was a really poor student...

My English teacher once told me that he loves cooking children and pets. He also tried to teach me about commas being really important but I didn't pay attention to that part.

My wife thinks we should allow our pets to sleep with us in bed. I finally gave in.

After 20 minutes, the goldfish finally settled down.

Ewoks aren't meant outside

They are Endor pets

I asked dad if we could have pets, and he said No.

He said, Pets are just a step backwards.

I recently read that it's beneficial to your mental well being to share your bed with your pets...

... but in hindsight, I probably should have left them in the aquarium.

Why do dinosaurs make bad pets?

Because they're all dead.

My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son...

but I don't think lizards make very good pets for babies.

My son broke my new iPhone, so I'm giving it away free....

He can do a few chores and is great with pets.

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ...

St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden.
-Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign.
Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside.
-What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to nations all around the world, surely I deserve a bigger halo than her!!
-Your Majesty, that is a steering wheel...

I don't like farmers that keep ravens as pets.

They're bad yeomans

I'm really tired of seeing "treat your pets like a member of your family" parroted all over the internet.

I would never treat my pets that badly.

Pets joke, I'm really tired of seeing "treat your pets like a member of your family" parroted all over the inte

jokes about pets